Tag Archive for Cues

Loving Tight Jeans, Short Skirts And Ornamentation Means You’re Shopping

Dressing sexy is not a sexual invitation by itself, but it does give us clues to the intensions and attitudes present. In most cases, overt cleavage, short skirts and heavy make-up tells us that women are available and shopping. Women who dress sexily all the time appear as non-cues though, because it is just what they do. Their baseline says that nothing new is happening, although it does tell us something about their general baseline, doesn’t it. These women appear “dressy” and always put together, but if we notice extra dressiness, or as we shall see extra frills or “ornamentation” we know she’s probably feeling receptive. Conversely if we see a lack of dressiness, we know that maybe she’s particularly down and unreceptive. The research supports this. Women, at around the time of ovulation, will display more sexually, they will break out their high heels, tend to dance more, talk more suggestively, and even walk differently near ovulation.

In one such study by Martie Haselton and her colleagues of the University of California in 2006 it was found that women chose more revealing outfits, and outfits containing more ornamentation when they were close to their peak fertility. In other words, as women near ovulation, the most fertile phase, they tended to dress “to impress.” This particular study had a panel of judges rate a pair of couples throughout the women’s fertility cycle. This allowed the researchers to create a baseline by which subjects could be compared to themselves. If they noted any differences in dress, they could then correlate it back to their fertility. They found noticeable differences in terms of overt self-grooming and ornamentation especially in terms of choice of dress as women approached their most fertile. They chose tops laced with trim and wore skirts rather than pants. The overall trend was to show more skin. The study also found that men rated women as more attractive when they were in their ovulation cycle.

Other studies show that women are more apt to find dominant men with square jaws and facial hair more attractive during ovulation and even find male body odor less pungent and more tolerable. During their high fertility days, women tend to flirt more often and solicit male attention, or in other words, tend to be more in tune with overall ‘maleness.’ Women are also found to go out more to parties or clubs, and other target rich environments, where they might meet men. No doubt there are many factors that play into how a woman dresses, but when it comes to being seductive, she turns it on when she’s ready to procreate despite what thoughts come into consciousness. While dress alone isn’t a full on invitation to pursue, it does tell us a little bit about what frame of mind a woman is in.

Advertising fertility with overt dress makes sense because women, unlike most animals, fail to advertise their ovulation. This is what scientists call “hidden ovulation” or “concealed ovulation” of which dozens of competing theories try to explain, but of which all fail to do conclusively. One of them says that women hide ovulation to keep men around so they will continue to provide her with resources while she offers sex in exchange. Hidden ovulation is a fascinating topic for discussion, because it is very complex and will likely never be solved. In other animals ovulation or “heat” is prominently advertised. Two such examples include swelling and redness of the genitalia in baboons and the release of pheromones in many animals including cats. However, in humans, even women themselves fail to consciously realize when they are fertile. To be accurate this last point has been disputed by various studies, even by this very section, but the point remains that aside from really trying to tune in, it would go unnoticed by many. The point is that women are rare in the animal kingdom by not prominently signaling fertility as do many other animals. However, this study and this chapter at large, shows us that they have other ways to convey this to men, even if in a more discrete manner.

While women might not be aware of the reason for dressing provocatively, most women are aware of the signals they give off to men, and therefore shouldn’t be surprise to receive additional attention when they show more skin. From a prowling male perspective therefore, it would pay back in dividends to make note of which women dress provocatively and deviate from their baseline and which women wear more frills and glitz. Tight jeans, elaborate decoration and short skirts, not only signal sexuality, but also interest in sex.

Sexual Hair Play

Women's nearly uniquely long hair is a feature to be exploited in seduction.

Women’s nearly uniquely long hair is a feature to be exploited in seduction.

Hair tossing is done by women to show off their luxurious hair to men. Hair tosses can be done by flicking the hair over the shoulder or away from the face. Hair can be removed from a band and twirled or rolled and placed on top of the head to expose the neck. Other hair signals include running the fingers through the hair to preen it, wrapping the hair around the neck or curling it around the finger. Added sexuality can come with a lip lick or moistening of the lips with lip gloss or adding lip stick to make them appear red and seductive. Having the lips slightly parted as if blowing a small stream of air through them can escalate the cues even more dramatically.

For hair play to be a sexual cue, it will be done in association with eye contact, absent of which might just be a form of soothing auto contact. Eye contact turns a fairly random gesture like touching the hair into one that is directional, meaning the eye contact sends the message to a person of interest. Other times, women use signals to “fish and lure” where signals happen in a more broadstroke fashion, absent of eye contact and direction, sent off into the room at large. These types of signals are done by women out of their conscious awareness by women who are hopefully available, but not always, as a response to inner thoughts and desires, turned into motivators. Women will deny this last fact, but the results speak for themselves by increased male attention. Playing victim by stating male come-ones as unwanted and annoying is naïve at best as the science says that women put out these signals so that men will see them during peek sexual receptivity. I suppose this does give women a case, for while they may have subconscious sexual feelings, they may not wish to act on them, but because of their hardwiring do. However, now that you have read this (as a woman), you are more aware of the underlying reasoning, and so have no more excuses! If women don’t want to be approached, show a cold shoulder, if they want not to be approached by specific men, given them no leads or incentives. Use body language to get the results you want.

Some other examples of hair play in courtship:

BodyLanguageProjectCom - Sexual Hair PlayBodyLanguageProjectCom - Hair TwirlBodyLanguageProjectCom - Hair PlayBodyLanguageProjectCom - Hair Toss 2

Above: Have you ever wondered what the significance of the tie is in male fashion? It’s a giant arrow that points to a man’s crotch! Yes, that’s right — it’s a great, big beacon drawing women’s eyes down from a man’s face to his boys! Getting that out of the way, let’s look at the clip! Here Julie shows interest by playing with her hair. Any motion we do, even subconsciously, serves to draw attention to our features.

She Displays Submissively, Sexually, Gets Closer And Builds Rapport

Many sexual cues are submissive in nature - it evokes a protective response in men.

Many sexual cues are submissive in nature – it evokes a protective response in men.

Most sexual signals a woman imparts has some component that is rooted in appearing submissive. A very large part of dating involves relinquishing power to our partners and most often it is the woman who allows herself to be dominated by men, rather than the other way around. You might think that it untrue, that women today share equally or tend to “wear the pants in the household”, and that feminism has equalized the sexes, but if you take the act of sex by itself, absent of whatever else happens in the couple’s dynamic, it is plainly obvious that men dominate the act. Sex, is done by penetrating the women’s vagina with the man’s penis. The very act alone requires her to submit to him, and relationships are no different. Now I do understand that women control the household, some even control the finances, but women still hold and give birth to children and the brain is still hardwired to prefer a dominant man who can assist in raising that child. These points, and not withstanding the myriad of variations with respect to dominance and how it fits into relationships male dominance still holds true for the “norm” – for the average. There’d be no point in talking specifically to couples that use sex in more creative ways that what the human body is naturally equipped for, or couples where women seek the upper hand and wish to be in control at all times, for the exact reason that it is a huge minority. Almost universally, women prefer men who are larger and more dominant in relation to themselves. When women select their mates the seek men who they can respect, and part of this is directly related to his status. When women, and men for that matter, lack respect for their partner, it has a directly influences on their level of happiness and the amount of conflict they endure in their relationships.

The "hands on hips" or hands "akimbo" make men appear larger and more dominant and therefore more sexually attractive.

The “hands on hips” or hands “akimbo” make men appear larger and more dominant and therefore more sexually attractive.

Body size differences between the sexes are a good indicator of how we come together. The average man is universally larger and more muscular than the average woman, which gives us predictive powers of how men and women come together. Nearly in all cases, women choose men who are larger and taller than them, and the research shows this. People are not alone in the sexual dichotomy, as many other species where the male is larger on average come together similarly. In a solid relationship each party is submitting to the needs and desires of the other, which naturally leads into a perpetual negotiation. However, during the initial stages of intimacy, it is the woman who is nearly universally required to submit for sexual intimacy to develop. It is my contention that men require women to submit through their ego and preference, and women crave it in order to set off a visceral response that eventually produces within them a desire to have sex or submit. If men and women can’t get over this initial stage of negotiation, no long term relationship will follow and no partnership, equal or unequal will follow. Therefore, accept it or not, men prefer women that show submissive postures, and as mentioned, I believe that women if allowed to, actually enjoy the submissive process, no matter how archaic it sounds. In other words, there’s nothing sexier to a women than “being swept her off her feet.”

Some of the most common ways to display submissively includes turning the toes in called pigeon toes or “tibial torsion”, shoulder shrugs, exposing the neck or wrists, head tilt, smiling, the forehead bow and childlike playfulness. The second class of signals relates to making a women appear sexier and playing up her sexual aspects. Some of those signals include tossing the hair, tilting the pelvis, the parade, the room encompassing glance, grooming and preening, the leg twine (where the legs are tightly pressed together) and leg crossing, hiking the skirt and or dressing provocatively. The third way to indicate interest are proximity related such as moving closer, pointing and eye contact which is figurative closeness, touching and crossing the legs toward rather than away. The remaining signals are rapport building and are the ones we find most obvious, although as they relate to interest, aren’t as significant. These signals include verbal contact and are less significant because by this time we usually know things are going well, and that interest is present. Echoing and mirroring is also part of sexual body language and is known within this category as “the nonverbal mating dance.” Now that we have cues in loose categories, we can look at them in more detail.

The Most Common Female Sexual Signals

Lip licking can be a cue of sexual interest, but only if other cues are present.  No cue, by itself can be taken to mean any one thing.

Lip licking can be a cue of sexual interest, but only if other cues are present. No cue, by itself can be taken to mean any one thing.

Nearly every motion of the body can be construed sexually, but only properly read as sexual within the right context. Take for example proximity, which can mean interest, but independent of context, means nothing. Getting stuffed into an elevator may lead to accidental touching but this doesn’t mean a girl fancies a guy, but in context with other signals, could mean that she does. She might go out of her way to stand next to him even if the elevator is only partially full, or she might cast intermittent gazes. Unfortunately, these low key signals are often thought to be clear signals of interest by the women who send them. Women figure they’re obvious and overt, and when the man she fancies doesn’t reciprocate, she takes this to mean that he’s disinterested. Even if she gives him the benefit of the doubt she might “ramp” things up a little bit to get him excited by looking up into his eyes and licking her lips making them glossy, but even these subtle hints can pass for normal affect. From these cues alone, should he know what is going on?

The simple answer is, no, he shouldn’t, he needs more obvious clues to discern interest. Maybe she licks her lips regularly, maybe she’s a natural close talker and ignores the personal space of those around her as part of her personality explaining her willingness to stand so close or maybe she’s just a friendly kind of person. Men need concrete reasons to solicit because what women are asking of them is risky and potentially embarrassing. Without “coming over the top” which can than be risky for women, they should offer controlled, directed and continuous signals of interest to test his willingness to pursue. Signals should begin subtly and grow in intensity with the passage of time, especially if the hint isn’t being picked up and there is a strong interest in creating attraction. Women should not assume that just because he doesn’t respond to a smile, that he’s completely without interest. He might be doing his version of being polite, or gentlemanly. Along similar lines, men should resist approaching any and all women, especially those that only put out mild cues. Men should let women dance a little too, as this will raise sexual tension, show that they are worthy as a mate because they aren’t supplicating all over them, and that they have inherent value. This isn’t to say that they should ignore cues altogether, all cues are important to recall, but it does mean that they should resist acting on vague ones.

In this chapter we first we cover the most common sexual signals for women, and then we move onto ways in which men can signal sexually in the pages that follow. For now, let’s look at what women can do to be clear about their sexual interest to men, so as to reap the results they desire, and in the same breath we outline the cues that men should be watchful of in women as cues worthy of pursuit.

It’s A Women’s Job To Attract Attention

Men prefer a direct approach - study the signals, put them out there and men will respond.  Simple.

Men prefer a direct approach – study the signals, put them out there and men will respond. Simple.

Researcher in 1989 by Dr. Monica Moore of the University of Missouri in St Louis conducted a study of how women interacted in public. They specifically examined nonverbal language as it pertained to attracting attention from men. In the study, they followed eighteen to thirty-five year old women in singles bars. In all, she monitored her subjects for fifty-two different kinds of gestures and behaviours so she could relate them back to their effects on others. Some of the cues included, smiling, touching, pouting, skirt hiking, leaning toward males, brushing up against a man with her breasts or body, tossing her hair, gazing such as lowering eyelids, raising and widening eyes, throwing quick glances, flipping or tossing the hair or giggling.

Two interesting results stemmed from the research. One, the flirting was location specific. Most of the flirting happened in singles bars and was virtually non-existent in other locations. The second major finding was that women who signaled most often, where also most often approached by men. However, men that sent out signals in this way, fail miserably at receiving attention from women. In another study, researchers found that up to seventy percent of all courtship is initiated by women and ninety percent of the time, trained observers were able to accurately predict the outcome of interactions that stemmed from overt female behaviour. In this study, observes looked for cues such as upward palm gestures, primping, caressing one’s body with the hand, requesting aid, crossing and uncrossing legs, and exhibiting solitary dance movements. If you think attractiveness of subjects had anything to do with approach, think again. In fact, it’s the frequencies with which these behaviours occurred which had the greatest affect on drawing men in to approach. Attraction is in the eye of the behaviour. More attractive females showing few signals, attract less attention. If it’s your goal to reduce attention, eliminate positive body language. It’s not much more complicated than this.

'Accidental touching' is a subtle and low risk way women can initiate courtship.

‘Accidental touching’ is a subtle and low risk way women can initiate courtship.

Attractiveness plays little or no beneficial part in solicitation, as mentioned above. It has been said that men approach women who are near average or slightly above average most frequently and mathematically this should be obvious. Most men are average looking and it is them who are seeking out average women. Men might gawk at particularly hot women, but they rarely build up the courage to cross their “league” for fear of being rejected (or wasting their time). While average men could approach and possibly succeed in lower leagues, they’d be faced with having to lower their standards. As sad as it is, men and women seek to best maximize the attractiveness of their partners, and in most cases it involves dating someone of similar attractiveness.

Researcher Adam Kendon filmed a kissing couple in 1975 and found that it was the woman’s behaviour, particularly her facial expressions, that regulated and modulated the behaviour of her partner. Other research shows that women also modulate stages of intimacy through their nonverbal body language by allowing or disallowing the breach of stages. Women also tend to control the initiation of conversations between strangers too. For example, when no eye contact is made by the women, others don’t approach or start conversations. So in summary, there really is no excuse, it’s the women’s job to solicit, or reject, as the case may be making it vitally important for both women and men to recognize the signals of sexual solicitation. Next, we do just this!

Why Men Don’t Seem To Get It And Why Women Are Half The Problem

Some men are naturals - the rest of us need to work at it!

Some men are naturals – the rest of us need to work at it!

Research conducted in 2008 by Dr. Coreen Farris of Indiana University shows that men just don’t get it when it comes to sexual signals. Her study had an initial group of both males and females rate images based on four categories (called affect groupings): friendly, sexually interested, sad, or rejecting. From that sample they chose an additional set of eighty men and eighty women to rate the final images into affect groupings once again. A photo was kept if the majority of men and women categorized the picture into the same affect group. The results showed some interesting findings. Men not only mistook non-sexual cues for sexual cues, but they also mistook the sexual cues as non-sexual.

The confusion men have when rating women’s nonverbal sexual signals probably has everything to do with the fact that men have twenty times more testosterone than women and so their perception of the world is viewed through ‘sex-coloured-glasses’. In terms of evolution and efficacy of spreading their seed, this makes sense, even though at times it can lead to unwanted or embarrassing confusion. Because of men’s inability to read cues properly, this chapter is heavily aimed identifying cues that will help men read the signals more precisely. The subtext of the chapter though, is aimed squarely on women to turn them into better deliverers of their true intent so as to avoid unwanted solicitation. In other words, women carry a clear fifty percent share of the fault when it comes to poor courtship cues, as are men in reading them. If women can improve the clearness of their signals, men can, and will respond more appropriately. When it comes to men, a precise, direct signal is best.

Introduction – Chapter 13

He could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

He could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

In dating, men are the initiators, or aggressors, right? Wrong! In fact, the vast majority of the time women are the ones to give off signals first which cue men to approach rather than the other way around, and men usually don’t approach unless they perceive some form of attraction. I suppose the problem as women see it, is that the signals they give off are often under subconscious control so they never realize they are actually compelling men to approach them. This is what makes this chapter so important for both men and women who are newly entering, still playing, or even those who are re-entering the dating game. It will help men identify sexual cues from the cues we’ve seen so far which are non-sexual, and will help women focus on delivering the message they truly wish to communicate, or don’t wish to communicate, so as to avoid any confusion or unwanted solicitation.

She could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

She could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

Dating and courtship is ultimately about testing the willingness of a particular man to invest in a particular woman, with the net result producing children and hence a family. Sometime we fool ourselves into thinking there is much more than this involved, or that family creation has nothing to do with dating and courtship, but in reality there isn’t so. Some feel that dating is just for fun and nothing serious is at hand, and while some encounters are aimed in that direction, inevitably with brains that are evolutionarily hardwired to assess and realize the real risk of pregnancy stemming from sexual encounters, everyone considers and catalogs this risks with each and every partner. Thus, at play are cues to our fitness, health, vigor, sexiness and attractiveness which we evaluate as spoils which may be passed onto our children through our sexual partners. Birth control has played an effect on us, and we do treat sex more casually, but we still don’t choose partners willy-nilly. Women, try to draw courtship out by putting off sex, so as to solidify her bond with potential mates. Courtship, especially long ones, give women cues to a man’s ability and desire to invest in her with our form of resource; money. In our evolutionary history, men would have been good catches if they could build and maintain shelters, protect women from dangers such as other men and predators, had various skills like fire building, and of course the ability to regularly predating other animals for meat. The more time he invests initially, she thinks, the greater investment she will receive from him in the future.

Body language is a fundamental part of courtship. As we have learned, verbal language is risky and not only because it may lead to embarrassment, but because it often requires a verbal response from others, which can turn out to be tragically embarrassing. Keeping spoken words out of courtship initiation process and therefore out of consciousness will save us plenty of grief from being openly rejected, or perhaps even worse, negative feelings with having to reject. Using and reading nonverbal cues therefore is important in courtship, so pay particular attention to the following signals so you can judge interest yourself, without saying a word. Courtship signals are extensive and complex, perhaps numbering in the thousands, so I will only cover the basics here. For those that want more detail, they may wish to read my e-book Body Language Project: Dating, Attraction and Sexual Body Language (2007). Much more emphasis is placed on instruction for men to help them read women better, although it can be helpful to women who wish to send more appropriate signals of attraction, rejection or to simply bring from the subconscious the signals they use all the time.

Emotional Downtime

We all check out and spend some time inside our own heads - even while out in public.

We all check out and spend some time inside our own heads – even while out in public.

It might not surprise you to know that everyone needs time alone every once in a while, or even once a day, but what might surprise you is that we actually need time to ourselves minute by minute. All day long we are bombarded with a multitude of people, from our coworkers, to our spouses, friends, to cashiers at stores and those who share our commute with us in the streets. Even with almost seemingly endless social interaction the research shows that every three seconds, on average, we ‘slip away’ to be with our own thoughts and to internalize what is happening around us. This ‘downtime’ allows our brains the time it needs to process, the information that is happening all around us.

We know someone is in downtime by their body language which includes having the head titled away or to the side, shifting the shoulders at an angle, or looking to the right or left for a fraction of a second. The eye patterns in downtime are what psychologists call ‘conjugate lateral eye movements.’ All these cues are tells that the mind has moved into processing mode and is no longer accepting new information. Other cues indicating emotional downtime include pauses in breathing, subtle chewing of the lips, or very brief eye freezes or glazing over.

Knowing about downtime can be used to our advantage so as to give people enough time to take in the new information presented rather than overwhelming them, confusing them and possibly putting them off for good. The simplest way to do this is to watch for downtime cues and then pause or slow speech accordingly. This will give the listener enough time to look away momentarily and process the information. Once we learn about someone, and their character, it will be easy to find their cues to downtime and therefore proceed at a reasonable pace for them specifically.

A second type of downtime is more extended, and happens in the absence of other people. The purpose of this downtime is to escape daily stress and pressure, and to help us recover. The need for downtime is obvious. We become stressed or over-stimulated, our thought process becomes hazy and we can’t think straight. Our faces will also become blank and expressionless, and our eyes will glaze over and be unmoving. Other times we feel under-stimulated and detached from what is going on around us, and feel that we need to get away to re-connect. During this period we begin to withdraw by avoiding eye contact, dropping our heads and shoulders, and switching off our ears. We may zone out in such a significant way that we have trouble even feeling someone if they happen to brush up against us. When downtime like this happens around other people we’re asked to ‘snap out of it’ only to reply with “Sorry, I was zoned out” or “I must have spaced out.” The most respectful thing to do when you notice someone in this state, is to leave them be, instead of interrupting them. Remember that they slipped into downtime for good reason, it’s not just to ignore you! In fact, as we saw, it has much less to do with negative reasons, than personal constructive ones. Downtime serves to relax the minds and set it back onto the right course before getting back to business.

The Sequencing Of Rejection Body Language

The conversation ended a long time ago!

The conversation ended a long time ago!

There are times when we are cornered or end up corning someone else through conversation, so understanding the cues that indicate rejection (and acceptance, covered next) can be useful to avoid unproductive conversations or as the case may be, to make the signals more poignant to others.

When people meet and rejection is present we see:
[A] The disinterested party turns their body and head away at a half turn.
[B] An expressionless face is assumed.
[C] The toes are re-oriented away from the speaker toward an exit, or other people. Distance separating the speaker and listener may increase by taking a step away.
[D] Fidgeting increases, swaying from side to side, picking finger nails and so forth.
[E] Poor eye contact is present and the listener frequently looks away or down.
[F] No, infrequent, poor, or random regulators are given such as “mhum” and head nods.
[G] No engagement in the conversation, no addition of unique input.
[H] Opportunity to leave is actively sought despite lack of necessity.

Compressed Lips, Down-turned Smile And Lip Pursing

When the mouth becomes inverted in an upside down “u” shape (down-turned smile) the facial expression turns into a high stress indicator.

When the mouth becomes inverted in an upside down “u” shape (down-turned smile) the facial expression turns into a high stress indicator.

Compressing the lips to make them disappear is a universal trait done to signify stress. The subconscious mind is essentially telling the body to close down and not let anything in. Babies do this when we try to feed them yucky vegetables and when adults do it it’s because they want to shut out the outside world. Tight compressed lips happen honestly and immediately so reflect true stress sentiments revealing a troubled mind. When the mouth becomes inverted in an upside down “u” shape (down-turned smile) the facial expression turns into a high stress indicator. In 2008 at Eliot Spitzer’s news conference where he discussed the matters of his involvement in a prostitution scandal he was photographed quite obviously with a down turned mouth. The down-turned smile can show unhappiness, anger, tension and depression when held for any permanent length of time. However, Mr. Spitzer only briefly flashes this expression indicating the high level of stress he was experiencing as he made his comments.

Lip pursing is done to indicate thought processing. It usually happens when someone is trying to come up with an alternative idea. Catching this cue is highly useful during a proposal, such as reviewing a contract, or a sales document, since it tells us that someone is at least considering our offer, but that they might not be in total agreement. This can be useful while reading the document aloud because lip pursing will happen in real time as judgment arises. Other adjoining cues will tell you whether or not someone is prepared to accept or reject the offer and tell you how best to carry on. Other times, lip pursing is done to show outright disagreement. Usually the eyebrows will frown in unison with pursed lips. Lip pursing is a very reliable indicator of different thought processing, and it would be foolish to ignore it. The reverse to lip pursing-judgment is full-lips which indicates contentment. Watch the lips for these quick flashes will tell you a lot about what is going on inside someone’s head. In review, compressed lips show stress, u-shaped mouth shows high stress, pursing shows that a person is considering an alternative or when accompanied by frowning or additional negative cues, disagreement.