Tag Archive for Counterpart

Duping Delight, Eye Contact And Smiling

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Unlike this fella, good liars often appear very charismatic and this trait helps carry them through their lies.

Unlike this fella, good liars often appear very charismatic and this trait helps carry them through their lies.

Paul Ekman coined the term “duping delight” to explain possible reasons for an increase in certain cues while lying was taking place. For example, fear and guilt associated with lying should decrease nonverbal cues such as eye contact and smiles, but the research shows us that eye contact usually increases during lying. Ironically, it is the reverse that is commonly thought of by the general public to be true. That is, most people think that eye contact decreases during lying. Two possible explanations exist for an increase in eye contact and smiling. One is that smiling happens more often because the liar is experiencing pleasure with the act of lying which has been extensively proven through research on psychopaths, con-men and pathological liars, the second says that a smile is in fact due to stress and embarrassment which causes a stress smile. An increase in eye contact is also explained in terms of a desire to measure the efficacy of the lie. The liar holds eye contact to watch for signals of disbelief in his counterpart to allow him to calibrate his tactics accordingly. So by this reason, the liar holds eye contact more than truth tellers in order to gauge how well his lie is being pulled over on his victim and to revel in joy as his ploy washes over his victim.

Duping delight means that nearly any signal can be used during a lie to convey honesty, and the greater the pleasure felt by the liar, the more relaxed and honest they will appear. The converse can happen too, the duper can appear more excited and happy throwing a wrench in this signal as universal amongst liars. Signals of duping delight can include higher voice pitch, faster and louder speech, increases in nodding and smiles, and use of more illustrators. Also, the more a lie is being perceived as true, the stronger these signals will be since the excitement of the liar increases in tow. Thus, just because some signals are present, does not necessarily mean that at lie is either present or absent. Although the willful modification of our natural traits often make us appear more or less sincere. For example, a perpetual feigning of friendliness comes across as phony. Incidentally, things like voice pitch, which can be difficult to control amongst all other factors when lying, might go unusually high through anxiousness when the true intent was to appear enthusiastic. It is the difference between a normal interaction and one that is unusually energetic that gives the dupers away.

Other Attentive Cues

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

There are a variety of singular cues that also serve to indicate attention. Concentration for example, is obvious when the face is scrunched together, the eyes narrowed as if to focus on a prey, with the eyebrows tightened inward.

Reflective activities can also include matching the body language of the speaker, not interrupting and using agreement sounds such as ‘uh huh’ and ‘mhum’. We rarely think about the powers of these small sounds but it can make the difference between having your counterpart believe they made a connection right up to contempt as in “He just sat there and didn’t say a word”. By nodding and adding agreement sounds, the person will feel heard and therefore appreciated. Paraphrasing back what was just said to the speaker, is another method of sending the correct message. This technique shows what is called active listening and shows that you are internalizing what is said and affords a chance to clarify any misinterpreted information.

How To Use Barriers To Your Advantage

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Objects can be erected to deflect emotional attacks.

Objects can be erected to deflect emotional attacks.

My wife frequently uses headphones in public places to avoid talking to strangers even if she isn’t playing music into them. If strangers come up to her, she points to her headphones as if to say that she can’t hear them. If she was really interested in a conversation, or minding other people’s business, she could remove them, but her point is that she isn’t. Headphones are therefore a strong message of introversion of which we wish not to be bothered. If a person strongly insists on interacting with her, she takes a long time to remove her headphones and accompanies it with irritated body language. She might even only partially listen to the person who has infringed on her privacy, although this is an advanced technique, before placing the headphones back on.

Now you might think that she’s being rude, but this is far from the case. She, like you, and everyone else, has the right to refuse to speak to whomever we please. We each owe no service to anyone else, especially interactions that were not mutually invited. Lack of eye contact in this case is a big factor in the right to refuse to interact. Dark eye glasses can close people out even more successfully, because it avoids accidental eye contact. Eye glasses make conversations shorter and less productive than one’s that occur when the eyes are exposed. Obviously, if we wish to welcome and continue a conversation or increase its effectiveness, we should promptly remove our sunglasses, even in really sunny conditions, so we might benefit from mutual gaze. When your counterpart wears glasses too, you might however, both agree to keep them on.

Barriers for negatively reasons are most common, but as in the peek-a-boo game that is played by men and women, objects can be used to tease and arouse in courtship. This is the case with “eye hiding”, which happens when a drinking glass, menu, or even people moving about a room temporarily put out of vision our object of affection. It can also happen by slightly turning away, or lowering the eyes coyly. Dropping the eyes out of sight or looking over the shoulder when done by women is particularly seductive. The loss of sight sends us into spells of worry, but when they suddenly reappear it sends our hearts races with relief. Small babies especially enjoy this game, sending them into giggle fits, and adults play along happily. When adults play the game with each other, it is only slightly more sophistication.

How one holds their arms while seated at a table can tell us the degree of acceptance or defensiveness they have toward us or our views. For example, having the arms apart indicates general agreement, having both arms parallel but uncrossed shows partial agreement, and having the arms folded on the table indicates disagreement. In this case, arms are being used as barriers. We have covered ways to break barriers and open those who show closed body language earlier. To reiterate though, we concluded that while it’s possible to open someone by offering them objects such as a drink or reading material to uncross their arms, it is usually best to openly address their concerns.

Improper use of barriers happen to all of us, because we aren’t totally aware or continuously conscious of their hidden meaning. Take a social gathering for example, where nearly everyone will have drinks and snacks on hand. How do we hold them while we stand, what about while we sit? While standing, more times than not, our arms are cocked at ninety degrees keeping our arm parallel to the floor to keep our drink upright preventing it from spilling. Unfortunately, this sends a bad message because it is a partially closed body position since it creates a barrier that isolates our bodies from others. While drinking alcohol can make people more social, having to hold the drink at the chest impedes our ability to use our hands properly and expressively. If you absolutely must drink or you think it is required to fit in with the crowed, then try holding your glass to your side so that you don’t block off the center-line of your body. If a table or bar top is nearby, use it to store your drink and so free your hands to gesture with palms up. While sitting at a table, feel free to put your drink to your flank so that you aren’t talking over it, and your arm, the entire evening. For a lot of people, drinks are crutches, something to hold on to, and as described earlier, are a form of security blanket. If you think you’re ready to “grow up”, try standing free form instead of toting your drink around at your chest. It’s not as easy as it sounds!

Objects as small as pens, but as large as books or newspapers, can be used to indicate division between people and create space between them. Just like the beverage example however, using the pen to write on a piece of paper by crossing the center-line of the body effectively closes it off. If no object is present at all, the barrier can still be formed by leaning on the table with both forearms and putting weight on them. This anchors and locks the barrier into the table. Although it is a closed message, it can be diminished to a degree by leaning forward toward your company. Holding the pen out and away from the body shows the opposite message. It is an indication that someone wishes to “extend” or offer an idea to them, and they wish their idea would cross the center-line of the table and enter into the other person’s ideology. The same sort of casual invasion of space, showing a desire to become connected, happens anytime the center-line cut evenly between two people, is breached. This can happen with reading material or business documents, hands in gesture, hands to touch, the sharing of food and of course love letters.

Conversations in busy places can be shut off completely just by raising a book and beginning to read. Sometimes this isn’t enough, so emphasis needs to be placed on it. We do this by peering rudely over them with an off-putting face and then slowly raising the reading material again. Obviously, this message is only rarely missed or ignored.

If you are the subject of unwanted blocking then begin by reviewing the pattern of communications that has lead to this result. Have you come on too strong? Were your ideas overly political or religious? Have you been too expressive or aggressive? Whatever the case, your best bet is to back-off and use relaxed body language to diffuse whatever anger you might have created. Ease the tension by taking a break and allowing your partner to have some emotional downtime. Try to devise a way to regain common ground, even if it means changing the subject or leaving it entirely to start fresh another day. Whatever you do, don’t bother trying to push your ideas forth too strongly, as they will simply be met with increased resistance. Finally, not everyone who uses barriers do so because they dislike other’s based on personal grounds, rather some just require more space and privacy, even in public.

Raising Status Through Relaxed Body Postures

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

Leaning back and taking up space is a way to show that we own the joint.

Leaning back and taking up space is a way to show that we own the joint.

It might seem counter-intuitive, but taking on a relaxed position and postures when around others, such as slumping in your chair can be a way to increase your status. This might be opposite to what you would expect given the rules of height and power but slouching shows to everyone that you are comfortable with yourself and don’t feeling anxious by someone else’s presence. By extension, most people will find it difficult to relax when in the presence of higher ranking people. Therefore it follows that if someone shows relaxed body postures, they must be high ranking! Subconsciously, we do think this, although, when we know definitively that we outrank our slouching counterpart, we find them to be brazen and ignorant which fosters more negative attitudes. This can go both ways, and it will be up to you which route you take. Do you want to fit in, or “rock the boat”, so to speak.

Imagine entering your boss’s office because he wants to speak to you about your performance. You promptly sit down, without permission, and slam your feet on top of his desk taking up an ownership (comfortable) position. Without question, he will take offense. The rare exceptions can happen though. Say you are close personal friends on top of your work relationship, or maybe you are of similar rank in the office, say partners. What would happen if instead of putting your feet up on his desk you instead slouch over the arm rest and open your legs? While this isn’t equally as offensive, it will come across as a challenge to your boss’s dominance and put him on edge. In subordinate/dominant relationship relaxed body language quickly upset whatever hierarchy was thought to have existed setting the tone for future struggles which may or may not be your ultimate goal.

When competing with those of equal status, relaxed and dominant body language can help, rather than hinder, your chances of success because it will set you above your competitors without using risky verbal language.

Let’s take another example where the new boyfriend enters his girlfriend’s house, sits down on the sofa, and makes himself at home totally oblivious to her father. The boyfriend has set a competitive tone and if not challenged by Dad, he will continue to experience the upper hand. His relaxed ownership has said to his girlfriends father that he is willing (but possibly not able – this is yet to play out), to usurp his daughter’s interest and therefore take over his role as her caregiver. If Dad is a pusher-over, the boyfriend wins. Smart Dad’s set the rules early and emphatically by polishing their guns in their rocking chairs on the front porch!

As we see, territoriality means everything to relaxed postures. Where appropriate, such as with close friends of equal rank, relaxed postures are insignificant, but when they happen within someone else’s boundaries, they send a powerful message that are especially salient to the person who has laid claimed to such boundaries. The owner of the property, wherever it might be, would much rather see cautious and reserved body language from those entering their boundaries as a signal of respect. No matter the result of the challenge, relaxed body language can help set the stage to achieve higher status. When the challenge is not met, the user of relaxed body language enjoys his “free lunch”, and with this comes freedom to choose and control future scenarios.

So far we have examined how relaxed body language can set up nonverbal power struggles between those of differing rank, however, they can also maintain power rank when used by higher status individuals in lower ranking person’s territory, or to tip the balance, when use by those in equal rank. To see those of equal rank struggle for power, carefully examine the body language of leaders when they meet. One of the best examples is when presidents and prime ministers, leaders of entire countries, meet and jockey for the upper hand. Which leader appears more at home, relaxed, calm and collected? Which one fidgets, or pulls at a collar, or tries to keep himself in the picture? You can learn a lot by how leaders act when confronted with those of equal status.

I have mentioned a few examples thus far depicting relaxed body postures such as slouching in a chair and tossing the legs up on a desk. They can also include leaning further back far in a chair, sitting deep inside a comfy sofa (versus sitting at the edge in a ready position) dangling an arm over the back of the chair, opening up the legs instead of crossing them, generally taking up more space and more open body positions. A particularly obvious territorial display of confidence, authority and ownership is achieved by spreading the finger tips on a desk carrying part of the body’s weight while standing hunched over it. Onlookers will respect that the desk is in full control of the person carrying this posture. If you want to know exactly how much trouble someone is going to give you, meaning just how authoritative they are, just watch for how wide they spread themselves out across a surface. For example, a store clerk might watch just how far the arms are splayed across the top of the counter. The more spread the arms, the more trouble is coming their way. We see this type of body language most often when there is a customer service issue where a sale failed to please. The gesture will be accompanied by verbal demands and displeasure.

Relaxed body postures are really all about spreading out, taking up more space and looking as if you own your environment so if your goal is to show ownership, picture yourself in your own domain, and transport this frame of mind wherever you happened to be.

Of course with this type of body language there needs to be a disclaimer about intent. Most people, especially high ranking people, are normally protective of their property (whatever this happens to be – their house, office or favourite chair) so usurping their stuff, has the potential to alienate them, which is why you really should consider what type of battle you are orchestrating. By extension, more submissive gestures can serve to help gain someone else’s trust and instill in them a desire to help, which can sometimes be a more effective way to achieve your goals.