Tag Archive for Body Language

Invasion Of Space

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A violation of personal space is indicated by her withdrawal.

A violation of personal space is indicated by her withdrawal.

Most hostile interactions in our lifetime will fall short of physical conflict but that doesn’t mean aggression was never present. We hold a buffer around our bodies at a premium and yet others still fail to acknowledge this, and choose to move closer then we wish. Disrespecting someone’s personal space is a form of aggression and dominant individuals routinely ignore personal space buffers, in fact, it’s one of the ways they maintain their dominance! Invasion of personal space can even come from brief touching or pats on the back, but also from more inappropriate touching such as jabs to the ribs with fingers, pens, or worse yet, slaps to the buttocks! Sometimes space invades will gain unwanted closeness by using friendly conversation, that we naturally read correctly as feigned.

Overstepping territorial boundaries is obvious to almost everyone because most have at least a rudimentary ability to read body language. We can test proximity comfort levels by stepping only so close as that which causes the next party to step or lean back. Leaning back carries the same weight, as a message, as a full or partial step back, it is just more polite. We can use the step back technique to send this message to space invaders, but it is often ineffective, as their intentions are usually intended to yield such results. Stepping back, and then quickly placing an open palm on their wrist or arm, or hovering a hand palm-vertical near the midline between you and them will serve to anchor them, preventing further advances. Often, the only solution is to be outright with the invasion and call them out. In this case, we should expect it to cause openly negative feelings which could strain a relationship, so should be carefully considered.

Signs Of Aggression

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She's displeased and thinks you should know better.

She’s displeased and thinks you should know better.

We’ve seen the hands-on-hips posture before but it resurfaces again in the aggression classification because it is ready posture. In this case, the hands on hips, feet together at attention is accompanied by leaning forward with the head and chin up, or out, and exposed. The hands-on-hips puffs the person out making them seem larger and the feet spread at shoulder width increases stability putting them in a fighting stance. Observations have shown us that ignoring the puffed out chest is to be done at one’s own peril as it is a very strong indicator that a person is about to strike out in aggression. The classic ‘in-your-face’ type of posture indicates readiness for fight and isn’t to be confused with a business ready posture. The accompanying clues which are discussed next, shows an intent to fight, but also tension so there is overlap in fighting nonverbal language and that which stems from other negative emotions such as displeasure, fear, anger, antipathy and disgust. Therefore it is the context, once again, that will tell us the root source of the body language, be it fight or flight.

As aggression nears, our blood “boils” and rushes to the surface of the body making our faces and ears turn red with anger. While blood doesn’t actually boil there is some truth to it. As our nervous system is shifted in the “fight or flight” response our blood pressure increases through a faster heart rate preparing us for action. Since our faces have a high concentration of capillaries and vessels, and the vessels, especially in the cheeks are much wider in diameter than other areas of the body, coupled with the thin skin in the face, permit the redness of the blood to show through in the characteristic “flushing.” This anger reaction shouldn’t be confused with feeling embarrassed or the blushing we see through exercise. The accompanying cues in cluster will tell us which emotional response we are seeing.

Fists clenching is an early sign of aggression. It shows that the body is ready to fight - even if not literally by punching someone.

Fists clenching is an early sign of aggression. It shows that the body is ready to fight – even if not literally by punching someone.

During aggression we might see the arms show defensive postures by becoming crossed showing a negative emotion, or dropped to the side and clenching. Fists clenching is an important cue to aggression since it indicates the underlying thought process that one is nearing physical action. Other cues in the cluster include finger pointing, overall tensing of the body or extreme body loosening to ready for fighting, tightening of the jaw and lips (called “lip occlusion”), quivering in the lips, frowning, furrowing, or lowering the eyebrows, dilated pupils, squinting of the eyes, crotch displays such as legs open, sneering or flared nostrils.

The technical term for flared nostrils as mentioned before is “nasal wing dilation” and is of particular in the fight and flight response because it tells us that someone is actively oxygenating their bodies in preparation to do something important. Our bodies consume oxygen during work, and we can get our bodies ready by loading up hemoglobin which is the carrier of the oxygen molecule, just in case it’s needed for a condense bout of work. As people get ready to fight their chests can be seen rapidly expanding and contracting as if panting. The body is essentially saying “We’ve probably got a problem on our hands, time to load up on oxygen as we might need to fight or take flight!” Sometimes though, nasal wing dilation is in response to doing anything physical at all, be it to move a heavy sofa or taking to a flight of stairs. Other times, nostrils flare when aroused by a potential mate who is seeking to take up an alluring scent laced with sexual pheromones. However, as mentioned this cue can be very important in certain context as it may provide clues to potentially aggression. School aged children should learn this nonverbal cue early on so as to diffuse aggression by bullies.

Nose flaring signals displeasure and negative thoughts.

Nose flaring or “nasal wing dilation” signals displeasure and negative thoughts. Noses flare because extra oxygen is being consumed to prepare for battle.

It might be counter-intuitive to think that opening the body up and keeping it loose, is a sign of aggression, since it exposing the body to attack, but in this cue cluster, the posture challenges others to attack. The limbs can seem to dangle from the body and the upper torso might begin to sway back and forth, or bob, similar to what a boxer does seeking an angle to attack. Only in this case, it happens much more discretely such that a surprise attack might be possible.

Conversely, the arms and body can become stiff and rigid as they prepare to defend whereas others will visibly start shaking. As a last resort, aggressive individuals may begin expressing the same thoughts over and over again to assert their position in effort to have their opponent back down. Under more extreme cases, people fall back into more primitive displays of aggression such as banging fists against a table, slamming doors, and even throwing objects. Figuratively, the message being advertised is that the table, the door being slammed, or the chair being thrown, will soon be you!

As the person nears aggression they will begin to invade your personal space, sometimes even ‘head-to-head’ and issue verbal challenges and might burst into nervous laughter even though nothing funny has been said. The solution to aggression is to always back away and give the person as much space as possible while showing defensive postures. Nearly all individuals will cease aggressive behaviour given the proper cues and switches, while other times, the only avoidance to physical combat is the flight response. In other words, run!

Aggressive Body Language

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

The amygdala is in here somewhere!

The amygdala is in here somewhere!

Researchers have defied seven major classes of aggression: predatory, inter-male, fear, irritable, maternal, instrumental (to obtain a goal) and territorial. The amygdala and the hypothalamus, two brain centers, have been centered out as important motivators in aggressive situations. Thankfully, with the potential for such conflict we are given tools in the form of body language that help us gauge aggression in others in order to prevent us from serious injury or death. Since modern humans are primarily vocal, we often ignore some of the cues signifying aggression, but these become very potent as conflict escalates and our verbal language deteriorates to uncontrolled screaming and cussing.

How To Use Barriers To Your Advantage

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Objects can be erected to deflect emotional attacks.

Objects can be erected to deflect emotional attacks.

My wife frequently uses headphones in public places to avoid talking to strangers even if she isn’t playing music into them. If strangers come up to her, she points to her headphones as if to say that she can’t hear them. If she was really interested in a conversation, or minding other people’s business, she could remove them, but her point is that she isn’t. Headphones are therefore a strong message of introversion of which we wish not to be bothered. If a person strongly insists on interacting with her, she takes a long time to remove her headphones and accompanies it with irritated body language. She might even only partially listen to the person who has infringed on her privacy, although this is an advanced technique, before placing the headphones back on.

Now you might think that she’s being rude, but this is far from the case. She, like you, and everyone else, has the right to refuse to speak to whomever we please. We each owe no service to anyone else, especially interactions that were not mutually invited. Lack of eye contact in this case is a big factor in the right to refuse to interact. Dark eye glasses can close people out even more successfully, because it avoids accidental eye contact. Eye glasses make conversations shorter and less productive than one’s that occur when the eyes are exposed. Obviously, if we wish to welcome and continue a conversation or increase its effectiveness, we should promptly remove our sunglasses, even in really sunny conditions, so we might benefit from mutual gaze. When your counterpart wears glasses too, you might however, both agree to keep them on.

Barriers for negatively reasons are most common, but as in the peek-a-boo game that is played by men and women, objects can be used to tease and arouse in courtship. This is the case with “eye hiding”, which happens when a drinking glass, menu, or even people moving about a room temporarily put out of vision our object of affection. It can also happen by slightly turning away, or lowering the eyes coyly. Dropping the eyes out of sight or looking over the shoulder when done by women is particularly seductive. The loss of sight sends us into spells of worry, but when they suddenly reappear it sends our hearts races with relief. Small babies especially enjoy this game, sending them into giggle fits, and adults play along happily. When adults play the game with each other, it is only slightly more sophistication.

How one holds their arms while seated at a table can tell us the degree of acceptance or defensiveness they have toward us or our views. For example, having the arms apart indicates general agreement, having both arms parallel but uncrossed shows partial agreement, and having the arms folded on the table indicates disagreement. In this case, arms are being used as barriers. We have covered ways to break barriers and open those who show closed body language earlier. To reiterate though, we concluded that while it’s possible to open someone by offering them objects such as a drink or reading material to uncross their arms, it is usually best to openly address their concerns.

Improper use of barriers happen to all of us, because we aren’t totally aware or continuously conscious of their hidden meaning. Take a social gathering for example, where nearly everyone will have drinks and snacks on hand. How do we hold them while we stand, what about while we sit? While standing, more times than not, our arms are cocked at ninety degrees keeping our arm parallel to the floor to keep our drink upright preventing it from spilling. Unfortunately, this sends a bad message because it is a partially closed body position since it creates a barrier that isolates our bodies from others. While drinking alcohol can make people more social, having to hold the drink at the chest impedes our ability to use our hands properly and expressively. If you absolutely must drink or you think it is required to fit in with the crowed, then try holding your glass to your side so that you don’t block off the center-line of your body. If a table or bar top is nearby, use it to store your drink and so free your hands to gesture with palms up. While sitting at a table, feel free to put your drink to your flank so that you aren’t talking over it, and your arm, the entire evening. For a lot of people, drinks are crutches, something to hold on to, and as described earlier, are a form of security blanket. If you think you’re ready to “grow up”, try standing free form instead of toting your drink around at your chest. It’s not as easy as it sounds!

Objects as small as pens, but as large as books or newspapers, can be used to indicate division between people and create space between them. Just like the beverage example however, using the pen to write on a piece of paper by crossing the center-line of the body effectively closes it off. If no object is present at all, the barrier can still be formed by leaning on the table with both forearms and putting weight on them. This anchors and locks the barrier into the table. Although it is a closed message, it can be diminished to a degree by leaning forward toward your company. Holding the pen out and away from the body shows the opposite message. It is an indication that someone wishes to “extend” or offer an idea to them, and they wish their idea would cross the center-line of the table and enter into the other person’s ideology. The same sort of casual invasion of space, showing a desire to become connected, happens anytime the center-line cut evenly between two people, is breached. This can happen with reading material or business documents, hands in gesture, hands to touch, the sharing of food and of course love letters.

Conversations in busy places can be shut off completely just by raising a book and beginning to read. Sometimes this isn’t enough, so emphasis needs to be placed on it. We do this by peering rudely over them with an off-putting face and then slowly raising the reading material again. Obviously, this message is only rarely missed or ignored.

If you are the subject of unwanted blocking then begin by reviewing the pattern of communications that has lead to this result. Have you come on too strong? Were your ideas overly political or religious? Have you been too expressive or aggressive? Whatever the case, your best bet is to back-off and use relaxed body language to diffuse whatever anger you might have created. Ease the tension by taking a break and allowing your partner to have some emotional downtime. Try to devise a way to regain common ground, even if it means changing the subject or leaving it entirely to start fresh another day. Whatever you do, don’t bother trying to push your ideas forth too strongly, as they will simply be met with increased resistance. Finally, not everyone who uses barriers do so because they dislike other’s based on personal grounds, rather some just require more space and privacy, even in public.

Objects As Barriers

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The chair is employed to maintain distance.

The chair is employed to maintain distance.

How the environment is used by people can provide clues to their inner thoughts and emotions. For example, propping up against the wall indicates that the person is in need of support (or is really tired) which shows that they are incapable of comfort without the assistance the structure affords. Hiding a portion of the body behind a desk also indicates insecurity and we rarely invite commerce onto ourselves without placing a desk between us and our clients because we require the security it provides.

Imagine what it would be like to meeting face-to-face in an empty room. Desks and tables are more than just places to store notes! The “employee’s line” by which customers are forbidden to cross in retail stores has more to do with privacy, power and territoriality than security. What would happen if retailers could freely move into storage rooms and behind the counter, what about enter the kitchen at a dinner? The formalities of the establishment would drop significantly and it would be like being at home, free of boundaries.

The chair is a prop used to shield the body from "attack."

The chair is a prop used to shield the body from “attack.”

Even podiums creates a much needed refuge, a place of security for presenters where the self conscious can be partially out of sight, or even dodge flying tomatoes! Only those that are supremely confident or experienced in front of others will ignore the podium and instead immerse themselves into the embrace of the crowd. Women who wish to quell an advance by men can steer them away by turning a cold shoulder, a barrier, or if possible, moving to the backside of a chair which can be used as a shield. When nervous around women, on the other hand, men can use bar tops to prop up against to protect them from rejection. As you see, objects are sometimes used as crutches and at the same time indicated to us as body language readers that a person is uncomfortable standing by themselves. In other words, it tells us that they are worried that they might suffer an emotional attack so they limit their exposure. People can use chairs, lean against a bar as discussed, a beam, a table, or might simply use objects like mugs or cups, or even pens and utensils which can figuratively represent make-shift weapons. Obviously pens would never be drawn, so to speak, as a weapon, but they still offer a psychologically comforting mechanism.

The Stiff Or Curved Arm

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The stiff arm is an obvious signal that approach is unwelcome as it forms a solid barrier around our personal space zone.

The stiff arm is an obvious signal that approach is unwelcome as it forms a solid barrier around our personal space zone.

A more obvious defensive posture is the stiff arm which happens by thrusting the arm forward and away from the body with the palm face vertical in a “stop” type signal. Another defensive posture is the curved arm, a variation of the stiff arm, where the arm is bent and locked at the elbow and thrust outward facing down or horizontally. As a cluster, the stiff arm and curved arm is accompanied by a step backwards to reclaim stolen space, which is the true intention of the stiff arm. Both postures are called “arm-distancing” tactics because the arms are used to control space. When we say “Keeping people at arms length” this is the body language we refer to. The curved arm also creates a closed body position since the arm crosses over the middle of the body. At times, the arm fails to come up any higher than a few inches, or the hand might flip upwards slightly while being held at waist level, however, the message is the same. As the intensity of the approach increases, the hand and arm will rise even further and a person will shift their weight backwards.

Football running backs use the stiff and curved arm to provide a space buffer in order to fend off tackles by keeping the arms of defenders away from their bodies. The space created next to the body, to the inside of the elbow in the curved arm, is reserved so that no one can enter. The curved and stiff arm both serve to deflect a possible attack away from the body or when navigating crowded areas such as airports, amusement parks or nightclubs. Women can also be found doing this too, especially when men get too close for comfort. The signal is a strong indicator that personal space is being violated and the carrier of the message does not want someone to come even an inch closer. Men in dating situations should be particularly aware of this body language and treat it appropriately, back up, and give some space.

Other times, the stiff or curved arm is used to thwart closeness that is not necessarily due to physical threat. Sometimes we keep our arms out just to keep people we don’t like from getting too close. The arms can also indicate how much someone likes or dislikes someone by their proximity to other people. When someone is particularly turned off by someone else they will keep their arms away from them in-so-much as their bodies can maintain enough personal space and don’t need to be thrown in harms way, so to speak, to serve as stiff arms.

The Security Blanket

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Playing with a sleeve of cufflink is a leaked gesture because it replaces a full arm cross but still provides the feeling of comfort.

Playing with a sleeve of cufflink is a leaked gesture because it replaces a full arm cross but still provides the feeling of comfort.

As we get older we are taught that certain behaviours and habits are unacceptable. Carrying a security blanket, for example, while acceptable as a toddler is unbecoming in grade school so it is weaned. Perhaps as a by-product of our recent, in evolutionary terms at least, bipedalism, we’ve failed to fully adjust methods of keep our hands busy. Bipedalimsm is the term used to describe walking on two feet which is rare in the animal kingdom. When under pressure, our hands and arms are the first to feel out of place and give away our awkwardness. Even those that spend a lot of time in front of large audiences can still be found with “security blankets”, as it were whose purpose is to keep busy our free appendages.

The cuff link is a common choice for men attending formal affairs because it gives their hands a use instead of dangling awkwardly as they walk. Next time you see a televised awards show watch carefully as a presenter or an award winner make his way up to the stage, he just might show his awkwardness by fingering his cufflink. Reaching across the body in this way is also an abbreviated arm cross since the hands come out in front of the body forming a barrier, in this case a loose loop.

A purse can be used as a shield to protect the torso. If you want to know how she really feels about you, just measure much she trusts you around her purse.

A purse can be used as a shield to protect the torso. If you want to know how she really feels about you, just measure much she trusts you around her purse.

This type of body language is defined as ‘leaked’ because consciously the person is trying to prevent it from happening, but their conscious mind is only successful at blocking a more obvious gesture by replacing it with one that is slightly less pronounced. The gestures are also considered “masked arm crosses” because they create a barrier-effect protecting the body, but aren’t full blow arm crosses. Other forms of gestures that fall in the same family include holding or clutching a bag, checking the contents of a bag or briefcase where the arms must cross the body, playing with a bracelet, watch or shirt button and holding a drink with both hands. Any sort of motion that allows one hand or arm to cross the center of the body, or where a crutch object is sought that otherwise serves little or no appropriate purpose, qualifies as a security blanket. To those aware of the cue, it is a very easy ‘tell’ to catch, because there really is no purpose for the behaviour aside from tension relief.

What to know if a women trust you? See how she reacts around her handbag! The handbag is a very personal item for women and she uses it as an item of security. When nervous or out of place, she can dive into her bag and checks its contents so as to symbolically connects her to the comforts of home and exempt her from outside interruptions. In other words, while she checks her back, she’s busy, don’t bother her! Handbags give women something to grasp onto and hold especially if they feel particularly self-conscious or insecure and will feel naked without it. On the other hand, if she allows the handbag contents to be viewed by a potential male suitor, or trusts him to guard it, you can bet that she is willing to explore a relationship. Women are personally connected to their handbags!

Partial Arm Cross

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One variation of the partial arm cross.

One variation of the partial arm cross.

This is a typically female posture and happens by holding reaching across the body to grab the opposite elbow in the hand while that arm is left vertically dangling to the side.

A variation of the posture happens by reaching across the body and grab the opposite shoulder rather than the opposite arm. While the double arm huge is a defensive postures, the partial arm cross is a subtle posture that indicates fear, timidity, shyness and lack of self confidence. Both are barrier type postures which protect the core of the body like a shield to signals to others that we don’t wish for them to come close. The origins of the partial arm cross likely stems from the comfort felt by a child who’s hand was held or who’s shoulder was grasped by a parent, when in novel situations.

The posture feels natural and comfortable when in fearful situations because it provides the sensation of being hugged and protected, like having our hand held. It might have a childhood throwback when our parents scooped us up when visiting unfamiliar houses, distant relatives to help sooth us over our fears. While men can be seen to perform this posture, it is much more rare, likely due to their broader shoulders. Men will instead take up the fig leaf position by holding their hand-in-hand to cover their most coveted assets, their genitals.

We see the posture when people meet for the first time, when being singled out of a crowd or any other stressful situation that causes fear. Sometimes this posture is by default as it is with particularly shy individuals who take some time to warm up to other people. To reduce this posture in others and help them ease up, use more submissive body language and tone down dominant language. You might also experiment with acting timid yourself which will help quickly build rapport. It is nearly universal that people feel most confident surrounded by people who similarly match our own self-esteem and ideologies.

Summary – Chapter 8

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

This chapter was focused on dominant and submissive gestures and how they can be used to reach specific goals depending on the situation. One of those goals was conflict avoidance by reducing body size. We found that melting into the background by “sinking in the chair” or pulling the arms inward, pulling the shoulders down and rounding them, hunching in, pulling the chin in and pulling the legs or knees closer together can help to send a non-threatening signal and calm an attacker. Next we looked at how height relates to dominance and spelled out tactics to put ourselves at an advantage be it by taking up a seated position (to level ourselves) or taking to an elevated stage or position. We saw in this chapter that relaxed body language signals ownership and confidence so we should look for a lack of muscle tension, freely moving hands, feet and torso, along with open body postures, to read which people are most confident.

We also found that the head signals nonverbally, for example, the headshake signals a negative thought, whereas the head nod can mean agreement such as in the west or can mean submission or even that a speaker is being heard in Japan, head down represents judgment or a negative thought when accompanied by similar cues in cluster, head tilted shows interest and head back means disapproval.

We discovered that dominant positions are generally also considered open postures and submissive postures are also usually considered closed postures. This theory allowed us to conclude that the chair straddler was both opened and therefore dominant, but also cowardly because the back of the chair formed a barrier from where he or she might throw figurative arrows or spears. We found that legs spread is a dominant gesture and of degree; the greater the spread the more dominant and at some point outright offensive, as in the case of having the leg over the arm of a chair. The full body steeple where both hands are up and behind the head while seated with or without the figure-four leg cross is both confident and dominant, but also depicts a relaxed disposition. We covered that titling backwards in the chair is dominant and casual, having the hands on hips is to imitate a peacock and appear larger and more attractive dominant or in charge, and that the cowboy pose with thumbs in belt loops popularized by old western’s is macho. We learned that the military man who exposes his torso with his hands, palm in palm to his back delineates power.

We then covered the importance of thumbs and how they show importance and superiority, how fences make great neighbours, and methods we display ownership one of which is by breaking social rules or via body language through control of facial expressions. We found that touching between men symbolizes power plays and social jostling, but between men and women, usually signifies sexual interest and that light touching helps gain compliance even from strangers. We also outlined why we should avoid filling our language with junk instead of simply punctuating a point, how talking fast makes us appear insecure or nervous unlike Barack Obama and how low-pitched masculine voices increased ratings of men’s physical and social dominance.

The Dominant Control Their Faces

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Extremely dominant individuals will smile far less then subordinate people because their disposition requires them to do so. They don’t want to appear emotional, because emotions stem from feelings and dominant people have none! Of course this isn’t entirely true, they do show emotions, but the emotions they do disclose via facial expressions are limited and usually meant to show that they are reserved and in control.
Dominant people will use disapproving frowns, snarls or pursed lips. They might squint while in conversation, or avoid eye contact altogether, or even hold prolonged unblinking eye contact. Dominant people can also hold a blink for longer periods of time as if to temporarily shut the world out. To disarm this “extended blinker” try moving one step to the side while they are in mid blink. It is sure to freak them out!

To summarize, being social isn’t a huge priority to a dominant person, they are more concerned with maintain control of others around them instead of trying to make friends or maintain strong emotional bonds. Dominant people figure that whatever socialization is will find them so they won’t go looking for it. Obviously, in business and in life certain characteristics held by dominant people are important, but extremities in any facet is nearly always counterproductive. Showing confidence by holding eye contact is important, but maintaining too much eye contact such as what an extremely dominant person might do, such that it sends shivers down the spine, sends the reverse message. It can negate the existence of others as people, turning them into objects, and seem to cut through them.

Ways of responding to dominance is by using more open body language to disarm them. Cutting through their rigidity with jokes and light hearted humour is another great way to put them into a good mood and break their serious attitude. When trying to break dominant people it is important to avoid submitting from the start, instead try to build an equal footing to foster their respect. You can try to out-stare them by looking at the bridge of their nose instead of their eyes, which can really unsettle them. However, fighting fire with fire in this manner is risky, at best, and requires one to put on a possibly uncomfortable show. The safest alternative is to just ignore their negativity and play yourself up as even more friendly trying to find common interests to help build rapport.
Breaking down touch barriers can also help, but again, this is risky. Touching breaks shields down and the most dominant of people will be taken aback unless the touching is warranted and tactfully executed. When you touch a dog, be prepared for the bark!