Tag Archive for Willingness

So Which People Are Good At Detecting Lies?

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

At this point in the chapter it might seem out of place to admit that some individuals can actually detect lies better than chance, but this is true, and has been backed up empirically through research. Studies have shown that while the rest of the world is limited to fifty percent, or the same accuracy as that which would occur by chance, the CIA (central intelligence agency) scores seventy-three percent, sheriffs sixty-seven percent, psychologist sixty-eight percent whereas the secret service scores sixty-four percent.

So why do the experts have an advantage over the layman? Well, part of the explanation lies in experience. The group of psychologist was chosen due to their special interest in lying and lie detection, not to mention their willingness to participate in a two day seminar covering various topics related to lying and lie detection. Each group including the psychologists, the CIA, and the secret service all have an interest in lie detection coupled with the training to back it up. Experts are drawing on information from many facets about a person, including their paraverbal and nonverbal language as well as other cues as we have covered which is unlike regular lay-people who have little if any experience in analyzing people, let alone the ability to repeatedly test their skills. Because lie detection and reading people is a huge part of their occupations, they get a lot of practice and feedback.

Personality characteristics might also play into the ability to detect lies. For example, empathy, sensitivity to social cues, and conscientiousness can all help in reading people more accurate because it allows a person to put themselves in someone else’s shoes. Experts are also more aware of the truth bias, which we covered earlier, and so can properly adjust for this phenomenon. It is important to conclude on these matters that the accuracy, while impressive in relation to ordinary people, is still far from perfect. While the experts are far from perfect, they do give us some hope that lie detection is more than a chance operation. No doubt, by reading this chapter alone, you will be able to make huge strides in reading others, perhaps not pegging every liar dead on the spot, but the cues in this chapter will help you at least identified those who are worthy of a second look.

Above: Paul Ekman talks about microexpressions.

Wrist And Neck Exposures

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

The wrist is a vulnerable part of the body, so when it is flashed, we know that our company trusts us.

The wrist is a vulnerable part of the body, so when it is flashed, we know that our company trusts us.

What is sexier than an exposed wrist and neck? Well, almost anything I suppose! While these body parts aren’t inherently sexy on their own, they have roots as visceral responses linked to submissiveness. These two areas of our body contain many nerve endings so are very sensitive. A kissing on the neck can run shivers throughout the body and send a woman into fits. Our wrists, to a degree, but our neck in particular, is an extremely vulnerable part of our bodies which we defend rigorously if attacked and the genes we have as a result of eons of evolutionary history supports this. One well placed bite to the throat by cat like predators instantly immobilizes their prey. In a dating context, women show their trust and willingness to submit to men, by revealing their necks and wrists. You can imagine a woman might seductively remove her long hair by bringing it over to one side, or twisting it around a finger then flexing over flashing her neck. She might tilt her head to the side by dropping her head and bring her hand up to carefully stroke and caress the skin on her neck just lightly, so as to draw a man’s eyes on her. In more over cases, woman can even display sexually by coming so close that the neck invites a kiss.

Stroking the neck is a way women can ramp up sexual flirtation.

Stroking the neck is a way women can ramp up sexual flirtation.

Exposed wrists can come in many forms. They might be revealed in an obvious fashion by placing them on a table with palm up. Added emphasis maybe placed on them by stroking them with a hand or even with the wrist of the opposite arm. Self touching also shows arousal and shows that someone is thinking about being touched, only in this case she is using self touching to satisfy the needs that are currently not being met by the person she fancies. Wrists can be exposed in less obvious ways as well, and these are called wrist flashes. Whenever the palms come up the wrists can flash. Palm flashes are also form of submissiveness and also honesty as we have hit on before. The more flashes, the more interested is delivered. Other incidences of flashes appear as a woman, pulls up a sleeve, plays with her earlobe, or strokes her hair.

Above: While constructing the photographs for the book Body Language Project: Dating, Attraction and Sexual Body Language we ask Julie to show female interest through a neck display. Neck are sensual in dating and attraction because they are full of nerve endings and are vulnerable so when exposed could lead to certain death. While this might not sound sexy in the least, a neck exposure is a signal of the desire to appear subordinate to a more dominant suitor. Neck displays are thus a way of saying that a women is prepared to accept a man. Learn more about sexual body language of women by picking up a copy of the Ebook Body Language Project: Dating, Attraction and Sexual Body Language today!

The Most Common Female Sexual Signals

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Lip licking can be a cue of sexual interest, but only if other cues are present. No cue, by itself can be taken to mean any one thing.

Lip licking can be a cue of sexual interest, but only if other cues are present. No cue, by itself can be taken to mean any one thing.

Nearly every motion of the body can be construed sexually, but only properly read as sexual within the right context. Take for example proximity, which can mean interest, but independent of context, means nothing. Getting stuffed into an elevator may lead to accidental touching but this doesn’t mean a girl fancies a guy, but in context with other signals, could mean that she does. She might go out of her way to stand next to him even if the elevator is only partially full, or she might cast intermittent gazes. Unfortunately, these low key signals are often thought to be clear signals of interest by the women who send them. Women figure they’re obvious and overt, and when the man she fancies doesn’t reciprocate, she takes this to mean that he’s disinterested. Even if she gives him the benefit of the doubt she might “ramp” things up a little bit to get him excited by looking up into his eyes and licking her lips making them glossy, but even these subtle hints can pass for normal affect. From these cues alone, should he know what is going on?

The simple answer is, no, he shouldn’t, he needs more obvious clues to discern interest. Maybe she licks her lips regularly, maybe she’s a natural close talker and ignores the personal space of those around her as part of her personality explaining her willingness to stand so close or maybe she’s just a friendly kind of person. Men need concrete reasons to solicit because what women are asking of them is risky and potentially embarrassing. Without “coming over the top” which can than be risky for women, they should offer controlled, directed and continuous signals of interest to test his willingness to pursue. Signals should begin subtly and grow in intensity with the passage of time, especially if the hint isn’t being picked up and there is a strong interest in creating attraction. Women should not assume that just because he doesn’t respond to a smile, that he’s completely without interest. He might be doing his version of being polite, or gentlemanly. Along similar lines, men should resist approaching any and all women, especially those that only put out mild cues. Men should let women dance a little too, as this will raise sexual tension, show that they are worthy as a mate because they aren’t supplicating all over them, and that they have inherent value. This isn’t to say that they should ignore cues altogether, all cues are important to recall, but it does mean that they should resist acting on vague ones.

In this chapter we first we cover the most common sexual signals for women, and then we move onto ways in which men can signal sexually in the pages that follow. For now, let’s look at what women can do to be clear about their sexual interest to men, so as to reap the results they desire, and in the same breath we outline the cues that men should be watchful of in women as cues worthy of pursuit.

Introduction – Chapter 13

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

He could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

He could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

In dating, men are the initiators, or aggressors, right? Wrong! In fact, the vast majority of the time women are the ones to give off signals first which cue men to approach rather than the other way around, and men usually don’t approach unless they perceive some form of attraction. I suppose the problem as women see it, is that the signals they give off are often under subconscious control so they never realize they are actually compelling men to approach them. This is what makes this chapter so important for both men and women who are newly entering, still playing, or even those who are re-entering the dating game. It will help men identify sexual cues from the cues we’ve seen so far which are non-sexual, and will help women focus on delivering the message they truly wish to communicate, or don’t wish to communicate, so as to avoid any confusion or unwanted solicitation.

She could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

She could learn a thing or two from this chapter.

Dating and courtship is ultimately about testing the willingness of a particular man to invest in a particular woman, with the net result producing children and hence a family. Sometime we fool ourselves into thinking there is much more than this involved, or that family creation has nothing to do with dating and courtship, but in reality there isn’t so. Some feel that dating is just for fun and nothing serious is at hand, and while some encounters are aimed in that direction, inevitably with brains that are evolutionarily hardwired to assess and realize the real risk of pregnancy stemming from sexual encounters, everyone considers and catalogs this risks with each and every partner. Thus, at play are cues to our fitness, health, vigor, sexiness and attractiveness which we evaluate as spoils which may be passed onto our children through our sexual partners. Birth control has played an effect on us, and we do treat sex more casually, but we still don’t choose partners willy-nilly. Women, try to draw courtship out by putting off sex, so as to solidify her bond with potential mates. Courtship, especially long ones, give women cues to a man’s ability and desire to invest in her with our form of resource; money. In our evolutionary history, men would have been good catches if they could build and maintain shelters, protect women from dangers such as other men and predators, had various skills like fire building, and of course the ability to regularly predating other animals for meat. The more time he invests initially, she thinks, the greater investment she will receive from him in the future.

Body language is a fundamental part of courtship. As we have learned, verbal language is risky and not only because it may lead to embarrassment, but because it often requires a verbal response from others, which can turn out to be tragically embarrassing. Keeping spoken words out of courtship initiation process and therefore out of consciousness will save us plenty of grief from being openly rejected, or perhaps even worse, negative feelings with having to reject. Using and reading nonverbal cues therefore is important in courtship, so pay particular attention to the following signals so you can judge interest yourself, without saying a word. Courtship signals are extensive and complex, perhaps numbering in the thousands, so I will only cover the basics here. For those that want more detail, they may wish to read my e-book Body Language Project: Dating, Attraction and Sexual Body Language (2007). Much more emphasis is placed on instruction for men to help them read women better, although it can be helpful to women who wish to send more appropriate signals of attraction, rejection or to simply bring from the subconscious the signals they use all the time.

When Mirroring Creates Flow

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

We're both "the captain!"

We’re both “the captain!”

Matching speech patterns is an effective way to build rapport and create flow and it includes changing dialect, speech rate or tempo, pitch, tonality, voice inflection, use of words and even accent. This is what is called the “communication accommodation theory” and it has been heavily researched. It also forms a part of neurolinguistic programming (NLP) which was covered previously. The theory’s main proposition is that during interactions, people modify their communication behaviour and patterns to more closely resemble the person with which they are trying to gain the most from. Gains in this context can include social approval, employment, or to build friendships and rapport. NLP also goes much deeper than just mirroring speech patterns to include mirroring other facets of a person’s traits.

The theory says that people can also differentiate their speech patterns so as to appear more dissimilar, and thereby create division in personalities or ideas. As is the case with all forms of mirroring, similarities attract. Whereas a significant portion of mirroring involves body positions, verbal mirroring can also be potent. Accents are immediately recognized and when they appear they immediately conjure thoughts of dissimilarity. Mirroring language patterns is a good way to quickly reduce differences and show a willingness to interact positively. Mirroring in language can include matching humour type, frequency and style. If speech is free of humour, than to connect with that person, dropping humour altogether would be advantageous, but if they lace personal humour or self deprecating humour then using a few jokes yourself can help build a connection. Similarly, matching analogy use, the use of questions, matching chattiness or matter of factness of the conversation, use of hand gestures, eye contact and even sentence structure can build rapport quickly. Far from being a copy-cat game, it’s a subtle matching of the speech patterns preferable to your counterpart and adopting them yourself. Even if we don’t consciously use this technique to build rapport, subconsciously we do it anyway, especially if we like the person. Effective use of NLP can build comfort, relaxation and create familiarity. Perfected, the technique will create instant friendships and lifelong bonds. At worst, its use will lead to a lowering of barriers between people and a greater likelihood of being welcomed.

When two people match speech patterns exactly or nearly, we can this “pacing.” Conversation will appear to flow uninterrupted and information will be shared backwards and forwards between the two people. Pacing can include more than just verbal actions. Regulators such as head nods, gestures and micro movements call all work together to create a rhythm. Speed of speech is one important factor to maintain. Speaking too quickly can put pressure on people as they will feel that it is difficult to properly express their views and opinions. Anyone who’s conducted an important interview over the phone with a broken connection with someone they’ve never meet in person knows how hard it is to maintain pacing. The pauses created by the poor connection leads people to jump in to speak despite the fact that the other person hasn’t yet reaching their conclusion. This creates a choppy, disjointed, cumbersome, and even painful conversation. Twins and family members are best at pacing, as are close friends. Rapport is when closeness is developed making people more alike in their thought process, than different. Speech matching is a technique that recognizes the differences in communication styles between people, but rather than dwelling on these differences, forces people to accept and even incorporate these traits into their own speech to quickly build rapport with others.

High order NLP in speech and rapport requires much more attention than this book can ever give it, so this brief summary was only meant as a primer for future research. If this kind of technique fascinates you, I highly recommend reading further, it is a very illuminating area of study.

Standing Positions And Their Hidden Meaning

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

There are four main ways in which a person might stand [a] Straight up with their feet together [b] feet slightly apart, but parallel [c] one foot forward and [d] legs crossed at the ankle.

The first posture with the legs straight and feet together is an attentive pose seen in obedient children when speaking to their parents. It is a neutral, honest pose and is found in adults of differing status like a boss and his employees. The second pose, as we saw earlier, where the legs are spread at shoulder width while standing, is a form of crotch display. This posture says “I’m going nowhere, and fast.” The standing crotch display can be made even more powerful by adding the thumbs in a belt loop, called the “cowboy pose.” The cowboy pose was made famous by old Western movies. The third posture where one foot is moved forward, with respect to the other, indicates subtle interest toward the direction in which the foot is advanced. To show interest, the foot will be moved toward the speaker, but it can also be moved away from the speaker toward someone we would rather have speak, or to the door when we wish to end the conversation. The foot takes the “first step” toward where the mind wishes it where.

The final pose where the legs are crossed at the ankle is a submissive posture. It reveals that the target isn’t ready to commit to a proposal, and shows reservation to the situation, but also that he isn’t ready to leave. The ankle cross is figurative denial of access to the body and mind. Our minds and bodies are linked so when we uncross our bodies we show others that we are willing to hear them out, which is an excellent indication that, our opinions either already match, or that there is at least a willingness to consider the facts.

An open posture while standing shows supreme confidence because it exposes the midsection to attack. When people meet for the first time, they will show timidity by crossing at the ankle. In fact, this is the most common way in which people will stand when meeting new people, those exempt will both, carry a higher status, and be aware of it.
Arm crossing, or tucking the hands in pockets, are two other ways to raise barriers when uncomfortable. These posture don’t mean negativity per se, they are simply indications that someone needs more time to acclimatize themselves to new people. Introverts over extroverts, will be found to hold this posture for much longer and more frequently than extroverts. In fact, extroverts might warm up to people so fast that they never show timidity at all, they usually jump right into any group and feel at home. When dealing with an introvert, on the other hand, offer to take them to a quiet and less busy environment to make them more comfortable. Offering a drink too, can give their hands something to do to breaking their rigidity. Providing an environment where your ideas might stick, first begins by removing barriers, even if they are nonverbal.

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Feet together - attentive.

Feet together – attentive.

Normal standing posture with feet at shoulder width apart - shows calm confidence.

Normal standing posture with feet at shoulder width apart – shows calm confidence.

One foot pointed away - shows disinterest.

One foot pointed away – shows disinterest.

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How does this posture appear fully nude?

How does the ‘cowboy posture’ appear fully nude?

Legs crossed at the ankles says I'm not happy - but I'm not going anywhere.

Legs crossed at the ankles says I’m not happy – but I’m not going anywhere.

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Pigeon Toes

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Pigeon toes or 'tibial torsion' is a submissive posture because it forces the body into taking on a smaller form.

Pigeon toes or ‘tibial torsion’ is a submissive posture because it forces the body into taking on a smaller form.

Having the toes pointed inwards, often called pigeon toes or anatomically “tibial torsion” is a submissive body posture. Children, and women who are smitten, will point their toes inwards to show their meekness signally their willingness to be lead by more dominant individuals. Pigeon toes makes the body appear smaller forcing it into a less threatening profile. In a sexual situation, it reflects subjugation from the women and is an indication to others that they aren’t in charge, nor wish to be. This claim assumes that most women wish for and choose more dominant men than themselves, which of course isn’t always the case. However, the dichotomy that exists between the relative sizes of men and that of women, is one extra clue of the desire women have for men to dominate. If this wasn’t so, women would consistently choose shorter and weaker men than themselves which is obviously not the norm.

Young women often subconsciously submit to boys in this way as they take “orders” from someplace inside them. Some might taken offense to this claim, but our sophisticated minds remain a product of evolution and for sex to happen, one person must necessarily submit to that of another, making the submissive process a necessary evil. Submission isn’t a bad thing either, and is present everywhere we look, be it in the workplace between employee-employer, our homes between spouses-someone has to wear the pants and within our extended family-since someone must take the head of the table. In all facets of life there exist power imbalances, and necessarily, someone needs to take charge while others are left to follow. Peace is impossible on the greater context without submission, and pretending to be, or actually being equal, only leads to squabbles.

Regulators, Regulate Speech

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Putting the hand up is a way to show others that we wish to speak - particularly in a large group.

Putting the hand up is a way to show others that we wish to speak – particularly in a large group.

The final type of gestures are called regulators because they are used to modulate and maintain the flow of the speech during conversation. Essentially, we use regulators to control turn-taking in conversation and they can take the form of kinesic such as head nods or nonkinesic such as eye movements. Regulators are different across cultures more so than any other element of body language discussed thus far.

In a study by Marjorie Vargas in 1986, it was noted that black students in the United States felt insulted by the white educators. The educators weren’t picking up on cues that the students understood what was being instructed. For example, the white students would nod and murmur “uh-huh” but the black students would nod much less and use “mhm” instead. The teachers took this to mean that the students didn’t fully understand the material, but this wasn’t so, they just expressed their understanding differently.

In Japan, the up and down nod of the head or “yes motion” is utilized not to show ‘agreement’ but to show ‘understanding’. Therefore, while pitching a new idea or venture, it would be foolish to think that the continuous head nodding by the Japanese was do to their willingness to invest. Creating a simple dos and don’ts list is not feasible for these nonverbal kinesics in speech for the simple fact that there are far too many to list and the variation of meaning across culture is so varied. With the simple awareness of emblems, illustrators, affect displays, adaptors and regulators the incidence of misinterpreting their meaning can be reduced.

Caution is therefore important when dealing with international business so as to avoid any harm in interpretation. Some other examples of regulators include putting the hand up to signal that you are ready to speak, putting the finger up to the mouth to bring silence, waiving the hand around in a circle so as to speed things up, rolling of the eyes showing disapproval, a gasp to show shock, throwing the hand to someone to include them in the conversation, or shaking the head disapprovingly. All these gestures control the flow and pattern of speech by directing, disapproving, speeding things up or slowing them down, and even cutting the speaker short.

Using regulators in speech is necessary to create seamless turn-taking and to avoid appearing rude, dominating or frustrating the people you are talking with. It prevents having to interrupt, eases the flow of speech and allows everyone to make the points they wish to make without having to cut each other off mid-sentence. The net effect of a good conversation is connectivity through the creation of seamless turn-taking.

Recognizing Body Affect By Culture

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A universal facial expression - Anger.

A universal facial expression – Anger.

In 1969 researchers Albert Mehrabian and John Friar found that a person’s state, their mood, and their emotional state were reflected by changes in body positions. In this context we are referring to affect in terms of simple gestures like leg crossing and arm crossing to indicate a closed mind or palms up and arms uncrossed to show openness or a willingness to listen. In fact, most of this book covers body affect and systematically breaks it down in future chapters. This cultural discussion is therefore important in that it describes the universality of body language.

While little research has focused specifically on measuring emotion from body positions, it has been found that the central nervous system is responsible for perception of emotion and this emotion is fed back into our body’s machinery to produce affect. The ways in which people convey emotion through body positions (or affect) is mediated by many factors including age, gender and context. Despite these factors though, body positions due to emotion, also has a cultural component. It is generally agreed that the face holds particularly universal expressions in terms of emotions as mentioned in the previous section, but the remaining language spoken by the body seems less obvious.

For example, the Japanese tend to be less expressive with their body language overall and therefore rate others more intensely on their nonverbal language. In a 2006 study by Andrea Kleinsmith and her colleagues out of London it was found that even mild expressions were rated as more emotional by the Japanese subjects over the ratings of other cultures on the same affect. A Westerner in the eye of the Japanese appears like a flailing uncontrolled windmill with their arms moving about as they gesticulate while they speak, whereas the Japanese appear rigid and uptight to a Westerner. In the study however, the meaning behind body language was still rated similarly across all cultures showing that emotion does have universal traits and crosses cultures. Thus, while the amount of affect does vary across cultures, the meaning behind the body language crosses boarders.