Tag Archive for True Emotions

How Women Can Avoid Solicitation By Men

by  • March 6, 2013 • 1 Comment

She's just not that into you.

She’s just not that into you.

The chapter has a heavy focus on ways that women attract sexual attention, but there were a few hints dropper here and there with regards to ways women can avoid attention. The problem as women might view it is that most of the tactics involved dropping cues, or ‘inaction’ rather than actionable body language. Because there are times when women require the opposite result, I have devoted this section to ways women can actively send rejection signals. It is far easier and less embarrassing to use nonverbal language to send negative signals and they can be implemented earlier to reduce escalation before it’s too late. Women far too often make the mistake of placating others to their own detriment. When men are bored, they feel no pain, no discomfort, no desire to offer anything other than a barren despondent look on their face. It might surprise you to hear me say to this, congratulations! Men who show their true emotions have mastered, all-be-it passively, the use of effective body language and use it to convey their boredom to others. When men are bored, they say “shape up or ship out”, women should heed this and follow. So women, please pay careful attention to the tips that follow to avoid unwanted approaches.

My conclusions are drawn in large part from the research of Dr. Monica Moore in 1998 who looked at rejection patterns in women. She found seventeen main behaviours in her study that indicated rejection of potential male partners. They included facial expressions such as yawning, frowning, sneering, gaze avoidance, upward gaze, hair gaze (looking at one’s own hair), looking away, and staring, as well as gestures such as negative head shaking, nail cleaning, teeth picking or pocketing hands, and finally, posture patterns such as arm crossing, holding the trunk rigidly, closed legs, body contact avoidance or pulling away. Here they are by category in a bit more detail.

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Avoiding eye contact shows men that we're not interested in interacting.

Avoiding eye contact shows men that we’re not interested in interacting.

Gaze avoidance happens when the woman refused to make eye contact with the man, despite him looking directly at her. She will look at other people, make eye contact with someone else, or pretend to be taken by something else in the room. This can and in fact, should be done while a man is currently speaking. Buck up women, grow some and spell it out! Look at it this way, you’re saving him time by being direct and upfront and in the long run, he might even thank you if it gives him the time to pursue someone else. To display disinterest a women can also look upward by raising the chin only a quarter inch or look at the ends of her hair which is a strong signal of boredom and detachment. Any behaviours should include prolonged inattention, lasting at least ten seconds, but more is always better! Staring is also used, in this case staring lasts multiple seconds or until the man looks away, but when he does, don’t look him over, start a conversation with someone else or leave altogether without saying anything. If none of these messages seem to be working, add frowns or sneers to your repertoire. The sneer happens with furrowed brows and the mouth is compressed and turned downward. The sneer happens when the mouth is twisted and the nose wrinkled. Next you can use head shaking and yawning which shows negative thoughts rather than using more affirmative head movements such as nods.

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Turning the body away and taking a step amplifies disinterest.

Turning the body away and taking a step amplifies disinterest.

Gestures are nonverbal rejection patterns that involved movement of the hands and arms. Interested women perform palm displays, however, disinterested women will pocket their hands instead, or cross their arms over their chest. To further disinterest, an increase in distance would occur by taking steps backwards or using barriers to reduce closeness. Self grooming can also be used to show disinterest, but not in a flirtatious way. Instead picking the nails, or teeth is used to turn men off and efficiently display disinterest.

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Crossing the arms denies a man exposure to your torso - an unwelcome signal.

Crossing the arms denies a man exposure to your torso – an unwelcome signal.

Posture patterns involve movement and positioning of the body. These are tied to closed body positions and include such items as tightly crossing the legs, legs crossed at the ankles or hidden under a chair. Other postures include a rigid upright torso and positions that avoided body contact and if contact was initiated the women would pull away. Leaning back and turning the back to the man is also effective.

 

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Whatever cues you plan on using, be sure of your intent before emitting them. If you are serious about rejecting someone it is important that you be deliberate, predictable and consistent. If you flip-flop from positive to negative cues, he’ll just think that you are “moody” which will create a situation that makes negative cues less effective in the future. It will also prolong pursuit because the positive cues mixed into the interaction will provide him incentives to continue. Finally, be prepared to be called bad names like “grumpy” and of course “bitch.” It is unfortunate for women that they aren’t given the same latitude as men in terms of their ability to display negative emotions in an outward fashion, but this is the world we live in and no amount of complaining will change it. The research tells us that women are expected to smile even if unhappy, and be chipper when depressed, but when it comes to rejecting someone, it’s best done quickly and without remorse. Afterall, when it comes to rejection, do you really care what their opinion is of you?

If this sort of tactic makes you uncomfortable, you are welcome to use an integrity based, verbal rejection. “Sorry, I’m not interested” will work just fine in most cases. Whatever method you choose, it will be you that has to live by it.

Fist And Arms Clenched

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Fist clenching can be subtle and show hidden insecurity and hostility.

Fist clenching can be subtle and show hidden insecurity and hostility.

Holding the fists clenched and holding a full arm cross shows hostility, defensiveness and also readiness to attack. It can also be accompanied by a red face, clenched teeth, lowered eyebrows, a forward thrust of the lips or an angry expression. These accompanying signals show that physical aggression is imminent and likely, and ignoring them can be a huge mistake. Part of the reason we have aggression signals at all is to avoid risky physical confrontations. Our minds are hardwired to avoid possibly deadly or damaging situations. The signals are our way to warn others, or be warned by others, that we are nearing our threshold. All people are capable of lashing out with force if provided with the proper stimulus, any mother will agree.

In business and other context were violence is strictly forbidden we see an abbreviation of the hostile cues listed above. Here we see a more subtly form with the fists clenched tightly and the arms folded across the chest, usually while seated. Other times the dominant hand will make a fist with the other hand clasping the wrist. This is a mental way for the person to figuratively ‘hold themselves back.’ When we lack the right to express ourselves to our satisfaction, we hold back our negativity. Social norms and customs prevent us from expressing our true emotions whenever we desire.

Fist clenching happens very naturally and subconsciously; a slip of the hand so to speak. Women can even be seen doing this while being verbally berated by a partner. President Nixon was videotaped intensely balling his fist such that his knuckles turned white during a press conference called to discuss what was supposed to be a temporary incursion into Cambodia. The rest of his body was confident and his voice was smooth, yet his hands gave his restraint and dishonesty away. Of course, holding a tight fist does not necessarily mean they intent to strike out, rather it shows just the opposite – that their minds are dealing with a dilemma, of which social norms prevent physical resolutions. So very rarely are we allowed to fully express our emotions. In fact, one of the most important lessons we learn early in life is self control and this is exactly what happens when the fist is balled, clenched, but resists striking. We learn very early on that it’s not acceptable to throw fits and tantrums so we do the next best thing – we get very close to striking, but stop at the last second.

Whenever you are privy to clenching body language your first inclination should be to diffusing the situation. You might start by slowing down speech or stopping it altogether to allow the situation to simmer rather than continue boiling. You should then use open body language with palm up gestures to show honesty. Next, add submissive postures, head down, shoulders slumped and a reduction in body size. Your goal is to show that you are not interested in confrontation. You might even consider succeeding to their point of view, even just temporarily to allow them to take a saner headspace. In many cases it will be impossible to recover from this position successfully depending on what level of negativity is present. It’s always best to reduce tension early on before it gets out of control.

The Fetal Position

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

We curl up in a ball when we feel upset - as a fetus does in utero.

We curl up in a ball when we feel upset – as a fetus does in utero.

An extreme form of closed posture is the fetal position. While it might seem far fetched to expect someone in your company to have this posture, it does occur although in more abbreviated adult acceptable ways. While at an informal party, for example, a women in might find herself hugging her knees at the end of a couch. To her, this feels comfortable, which is why she does it, but it reveals her true emotions. When in a public she is timid and reserved so she curls up in a ball. The abbreviated form of this position, of course, and one that is more acceptable in public is to pull the limbs in closer to the body and across the center-line as in the “self hug”. With age, we learn that taking up the fetal position, like thumb sucking, is not an acceptable way of dealing with our insecurity so we drop the extreme form of the gesture in favour of more subtle cues. Playing with the hair, rolling it around a finger, sucking on it, or a pen, or other oral fixations are also juvenile coping behaviours that become unacceptable, although often still continue, into adulthood.

Sucking on a pen or piece of hair serves as a replacement for a soother.

Sucking on a pen or piece of hair serves as a replacement for a soother.

Nail biting is an oral fixation that replaces thumb sucking and allows the body to burn off nervous energy.

Nail biting is an oral fixation that replaces thumb sucking and allows the body to burn off nervous energy.