Tag Archive for Shyness

Summary – Chapter 14

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In this chapter we examined body language as it relates to business. We learned that we can signal the desire to help in a sales environment without developing friendship by first identifying the type of consumer they are. There are four types of consumer; they are clients who prefer to help themselves, the friendly client who is looking to chat and build rapport before deciding on what to buy, the follower who will want the salesperson to take charge and the dominator who wants to stare clerks down and remains suspicious of their motives. We also learned ways of dealing with each type of client.

Next we covered how people prefer to orient themselves while speaking and found regional differences. For example, Americans will speak at forty-five degree angles to each other, but Arabic cultures will speak so close their faces nearly touch. We then covered handshake techniques and types and found that there are three main handshake orientations; palm down (superiority), palm up (submissive) and palm even (equality) and also the ways to deal with them. We summarized a good handshake as having just the right pressure and duration but that it should vary depending on whom you are shaking hands with. We learned that firm handshakes versus “limp” handshakes can equalize women and men in the workplace and supported this with research that tied firm handshakes to extroversion and emotional expressiveness rather than shyness and neuroticism. We then covered the various handshakes one might encounter and provided visually accurate names for them. They were the death grip, the cold dead wet fish, the limp fish, short grabber/finger grabber, stiff arm and trust forward, wrench forward controller, arm twister, over pumper, double gripper politician, the teacup, the undershaker and the oddball.

We then explained how to thwart dominant handshakes particularly the palm down presentation with the step to the right technique, as well as the various other techniques to send particular messages based on your particular handshake partner and intention. We gave women a sequence by which to follow to impress men in the workplace by keeping the hand perfectly vertical, thrusting forward and aiming to meet web to web, the skin between index and thumb. We then gave women some advice to maintain sexuality without appearing unintelligent, one of which included the heels to neutralize prey, the others included avoiding the figure four sitting position and the full body steeple. We also found that women should appear masculine in their attire, yet retain curves, but not cleavage.

Next we covered readiness and attentiveness body language which includes the sprinting positions or leaning forward to show interest, or by coiling the legs to show eagerness to leave, whereas leaning back shows either comfort of disinterest. We followed this up with tips to become a leader and saw why it is important to show better posture, take up more space, hold a serious gaze with eye contact, use appropriate and tactful touching, avoid too much smiling (especially women), avoid excessive placation and fight the urge to nod with agreement especially if someone expresses a thought you disagree with. For those of us who are happy to follow, we provided tips in dealing with the three different types of bosses, the autocratic, democratic and laissez-faire, then covered ways to impress on a job interview, and concluded with buy signals; eye contact, moving in, touching the chin and greater relaxation.

Types Of Bad Handshakes

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The handshake is a very common greeting gesture performed all around the world and up until recently the style with which they were delivered was anecdotally believe to predict personality traits the people who did them. Does the “bone crusher” or “wet fish” handshaker really convey that a person is aggressive or timid? Research conducted in 2000 by Dr. William Chaplin from the University of Alabama set out to get some facts straight about what the handshake really means. He found one hundred twelve students to be a part of his study but kept the purpose of it a secrete. They were simply told there were four parts to the experiment, and they’d be dismissed and welcomed to each part with a handshake in addition to other formalities. Four of the researchers, two men and two women were trained for a month on how to perform certain handshakes.

The researchers had students stand next to smaller rooms and as they entered they greeted them by shaking their hand and then proceeded into the room to fill out a questionnaire. The researchers found that a firm handshake was related to extroversion and emotional expressiveness rather than shyness and neuroticism. Women were also rated as more open to experiences when they used a firm handshake. The results show that our handshakes reveal a lot about our personalities. Women with strong handshakes can equalize themselves alongside men in the workplace and bring more favourable initial ratings from others. While an assertive attitude can be considered “pushy” especially in women, a firm handshake is an acceptable technique to show confidence without appearing too aggressive. According to Dr. Chaplin a firm handshake is a safe place for women to show their dominance in the workplace. They also happen automatically, we don’t consciously think about them and therefore we don’t often realize how good or bad our handshake really is. However, this also means we can tell a lot about people from how they shake hands because, chances are, it’s what occurs naturally to them. While men overall have firmer handshakes, the study shows us that women can level the ground simply by stepping up their firmness.

Introduction – Chapter 11

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A universal facial expression - Anger.

A universal facial expression – Anger.

Emotional body language is a charged topic because it essentially defines people. When we talk about emotions we talk about what motivates people which includes but is certainly not limited to fear, anger, sadness, timidity or shyness, disgust, and happiness. Emotional nonverbal communication is present everyday, and in many forms, and can reduce conflict before it starts, or identify weaknesses that can be soothed or taken advantage of, depending on the particular desires of the body language reader. Before dispelling outright the desire to exploit, remind yourself that in most cases, there exists some degree of competition or cooperation in all of life, which is frequently only differentiated by matters of degree, type and more importantly, outcome. Thus, if one wishes to formulate mutual agreements through cooperation, or feels compelled to assist those who are at a disadvantage, they should welcome and read the body language just the same. In other words, read emotions to discover underlying insecurities or happiness in other people and do with it as you please, but also be aware of your own signals since it will give ammunition to others that can be used against you. Sometimes these cues end up in the less that charitable people around you such as predators. This makes knowing the cues important in displaying victim type body language to avoid appearing like an easy target, and not just to criminals, but to salesman, potentially abusive spouses, and children looking to take advantage of our goodwill.

In this chapter we will cover many topics including displacement behaviour which includes any nonverbal signal meant to quell anxiety due to encroachment on personal space. As we learned previously, personal space and territories play an important function in our lives, however, these zones are frequently breeched when in busy city streets and other public areas. We also cover how the fight or flight mechanism plays into body language and how the catch phrase is a misnomer because animals and people don’t usually respond in that way, at least not in that order. Clenching and gripping body language is also covered. We’ll see how the aforementioned is an important subset of body language since it reveals inner tension and how, and perhaps more importantly, why, nervous hands shake and what it all means to poker players. We will even discover what sort of body language indicates that a person has a poor self image, the role eyebrows play with respect to the emotions they convey, what interlaced fingers that rub together and palm finger stroking mean, and how suckling and mouthing turns us back into babies. Next we cover why compressed lips and lip pursing aren’t the same, nor do they mean that someone wants to kiss. In fact, coupled with the down-turned smile they all mean negative thoughts are being passed around in the mind.

This chapter also covers a smorgasbord of other emotionally charged cues such as how tongues show concentration and cheekiness, the sneering of the nose, what ear grabbing means and hostile body language in brief, since it was extensively covered previously, and how rejection takes place in sequence so we can run when we see it, or emit it when we wish to repeal the boring! If rejecting is too pessimistic for you, what follows is how relaxation is made evident through body language. Neck and nose body language is hit on next which become particularly sensitive under pressure and tends to require frequent touching or covering so as to produce feelings of comfort through protection. Blocking is also dealt with which can happen through various forms, such as the body or eyes, but each have roots in the fight or flight response. We hit on the colour of emotion including blushing and blanching, as well as gravity defying body language found when people experience joyful exuberance. The six main facial expressions which are happiness, sadness, surprise, fear, anger and disgust are cataloged and described leading into whether or not emotions can easily be faked. We also learn in this chapter that people will take “emotional downtime” frequently throughout the day, laypeople call this “daydreaming.” Cocooning and turtling body positions are described which both point to insecurity and timidity as roots. We’ll also cover how we can tell if people are related or having intimate relations based on how they hug and conclude with the remaining emotional body language.

Partial Arm Cross

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One variation of the partial arm cross.

One variation of the partial arm cross.

This is a typically female posture and happens by holding reaching across the body to grab the opposite elbow in the hand while that arm is left vertically dangling to the side.

A variation of the posture happens by reaching across the body and grab the opposite shoulder rather than the opposite arm. While the double arm huge is a defensive postures, the partial arm cross is a subtle posture that indicates fear, timidity, shyness and lack of self confidence. Both are barrier type postures which protect the core of the body like a shield to signals to others that we don’t wish for them to come close. The origins of the partial arm cross likely stems from the comfort felt by a child who’s hand was held or who’s shoulder was grasped by a parent, when in novel situations.

The posture feels natural and comfortable when in fearful situations because it provides the sensation of being hugged and protected, like having our hand held. It might have a childhood throwback when our parents scooped us up when visiting unfamiliar houses, distant relatives to help sooth us over our fears. While men can be seen to perform this posture, it is much more rare, likely due to their broader shoulders. Men will instead take up the fig leaf position by holding their hand-in-hand to cover their most coveted assets, their genitals.

We see the posture when people meet for the first time, when being singled out of a crowd or any other stressful situation that causes fear. Sometimes this posture is by default as it is with particularly shy individuals who take some time to warm up to other people. To reduce this posture in others and help them ease up, use more submissive body language and tone down dominant language. You might also experiment with acting timid yourself which will help quickly build rapport. It is nearly universal that people feel most confident surrounded by people who similarly match our own self-esteem and ideologies.