Tag Archive for Sexual Signals

Summary – Chapter 13

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In this chapter we looked extensively at courtship signals. We learned that men who are not familiar with body language tend to miss the signals put out by women, but that women can be misleading or confusing as message senders, and that it is the women’s job to signal sexual interest. We talked about the most common sexual signals women use, starting with displays of submission including pigeon toes or tibial torsion, shoulder shrugs, exposing the neck or wrists, head tilt, smiling, the forehead bow and childlike playfulness. The second class of signals, we discussed where ways to create sexiness such as tossing the hair, tilting the pelvis, the parade, the room encompassing glance, grooming and preening, the leg twine and leg crossing, hiking the skirt and or dressing provocatively. The third way women use to indicate interest that we covered related to proximity such as moving closer, pointing and eye contact and crossing the legs towards her object of affection. The remaining sexual signals were rapport building. We learned that women dress more provocatively and ornament more elaborately when most fertile and receptive to male advances, that echoing and mirroring is a big component in the mating dance, and how squeezing the hand can be used as a kiss test.

We then looked at the main behaviours that can be used by women to avoid male solicitation which included facial expressions such as yawning, frowning, sneering, gaze avoidance, upward gaze, looking away, and staring and gestures such as negative head shaking, nail cleaning, teeth picking or pocketing hands and postural patterns such as arm crossing, holding the trunk rigidly, closing the legs, body contact avoidance or pulling away. These were classified into three main categories; gaze avoidance, gestures and posture patterns.

As we saw, men solicit attention from women in a different way. Men will demonstrate dominance and virility to appear sexier to women, whereas women traditionally display submission. We saw that alpha men will use the cowboy posture to draw attention to their genitals, they will and should eliminate beta male body language to attract women, use more open postures such as legs spread apart, arms uncrossed, keep their hands away from their face, hold a firm upright torso, use their arms and hands to punctuate points in speech, speak slowly with a calm voice, use fewer filler words such as “umms” and “ahhs” and generally take up more space to appear more relaxed and in control. We learned that the dominant male posture happens by placing the feet flat with the body’s weight spread evenly with hips forward and legs slightly wider than shoulder width. We then looked at how men can use negative body language to trick women into thinking they are disinterested in a cat and mouse game, how tonality affects attraction with deeper being sexier, that random smiling can bring about good things and that men should wait until eye contact is established before smiling to anchor a smile to a specific target before breaking eye contact by looking downward. In our final section we covered the tens steps to intimacy.

Grooming And Preening

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A woman grooming a man is a good sign that she's trying to keep him looking good for her own benefit.

A woman grooming a man is a good sign that she’s trying to keep him looking good for her own benefit.

Grooming includes smoothing clothing, rearranging attire, rubbing the hands, glancing in a mirror and, applying lipstick, fixing the hair amongst many others. While not a grooming gesture per se, women can also provocatively leave buttons unbuttoned, especially a button-up blouse in effort to peek men’s curiousity. These are all signals of interest within the proper context. We all, men included, groom and preen ourselves in order to appear more presentable and attractive to others. The more concerned we are with our looks, the more it indicates our desire to show off and attract and the timing with which this happens is extremely important because it indicates to us the purpose of the adjustments and whom the fixes are meant for. For example, if a woman appears relaxed in her attire, perhaps wearing comfortable jeans and a sloppy sweat shirt rather than something more “put together”, and stumbles upon someone she feels is attractive, she might begin to panic and hyper groom in effort to minimize whatever damage she figures she has caused to her image. Grooming tells us that she feels his opinion matters which is no different from men. Men will smooth out ties or a shirt, button up a jacket to appear more formal, smooth out their pants or fix their hair.

Grooming gestures become particularly powerful delivered with eye contact too, not just with respect to proximity and visibility. Eye contact for example is an “anchor” for sexual signals as it hooks the signal to a particular target. Grooming absent of a target and hence eye contact, might mean, either, the desire to attract in general as we saw in the “parade” where women are just acting like magnets to see what sticks, or else a superficial desire to appear put together for it’s own sake. Grooming and preening can also be done on other people to indicate interest. A woman might pluck some imaginary lint from a man’s clothing that she fancies, while another she detests might go an entire evening with food stuck to the side of his face. She might also fix a man’s hair, straighten and adjust clothing or rub his back, all methods of showing interest. The touching and proximity that comes as a result of grooming is not just incidental, it’s the driving force. Touching is a strong indicator of interest especially when initiated by a woman.

Above: Preening gestures indicate that a woman is preparing herself for someone else to touch her but when a woman plucks some imaginary lint from a man’s clothing she’s probably interested. She might also fix a man’s hair, straighten and adjust clothing or rub a man’s back to show interest. Back touching, scratching and massaging is an evolutionary throwback when we used to have totally hairy bodies and removing tics would have been a major hygienic necessity. It’s where “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” came from. Regardless, touching and close proximity when done by a woman to a man, can be taken as a strong sign of sexual interest. Learn how to build a proper foundation for dating and attraction by reading the Ebook Body Language Project: Dating, Attraction and Sexual Body Language!

She Displays Submissively, Sexually, Gets Closer And Builds Rapport

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Many sexual cues are submissive in nature - it evokes a protective response in men.

Many sexual cues are submissive in nature – it evokes a protective response in men.

Most sexual signals a woman imparts has some component that is rooted in appearing submissive. A very large part of dating involves relinquishing power to our partners and most often it is the woman who allows herself to be dominated by men, rather than the other way around. You might think that it untrue, that women today share equally or tend to “wear the pants in the household”, and that feminism has equalized the sexes, but if you take the act of sex by itself, absent of whatever else happens in the couple’s dynamic, it is plainly obvious that men dominate the act. Sex, is done by penetrating the women’s vagina with the man’s penis. The very act alone requires her to submit to him, and relationships are no different. Now I do understand that women control the household, some even control the finances, but women still hold and give birth to children and the brain is still hardwired to prefer a dominant man who can assist in raising that child. These points, and not withstanding the myriad of variations with respect to dominance and how it fits into relationships male dominance still holds true for the “norm” – for the average. There’d be no point in talking specifically to couples that use sex in more creative ways that what the human body is naturally equipped for, or couples where women seek the upper hand and wish to be in control at all times, for the exact reason that it is a huge minority. Almost universally, women prefer men who are larger and more dominant in relation to themselves. When women select their mates the seek men who they can respect, and part of this is directly related to his status. When women, and men for that matter, lack respect for their partner, it has a directly influences on their level of happiness and the amount of conflict they endure in their relationships.

The "hands on hips" or hands "akimbo" make men appear larger and more dominant and therefore more sexually attractive.

The “hands on hips” or hands “akimbo” make men appear larger and more dominant and therefore more sexually attractive.

Body size differences between the sexes are a good indicator of how we come together. The average man is universally larger and more muscular than the average woman, which gives us predictive powers of how men and women come together. Nearly in all cases, women choose men who are larger and taller than them, and the research shows this. People are not alone in the sexual dichotomy, as many other species where the male is larger on average come together similarly. In a solid relationship each party is submitting to the needs and desires of the other, which naturally leads into a perpetual negotiation. However, during the initial stages of intimacy, it is the woman who is nearly universally required to submit for sexual intimacy to develop. It is my contention that men require women to submit through their ego and preference, and women crave it in order to set off a visceral response that eventually produces within them a desire to have sex or submit. If men and women can’t get over this initial stage of negotiation, no long term relationship will follow and no partnership, equal or unequal will follow. Therefore, accept it or not, men prefer women that show submissive postures, and as mentioned, I believe that women if allowed to, actually enjoy the submissive process, no matter how archaic it sounds. In other words, there’s nothing sexier to a women than “being swept her off her feet.”

Some of the most common ways to display submissively includes turning the toes in called pigeon toes or “tibial torsion”, shoulder shrugs, exposing the neck or wrists, head tilt, smiling, the forehead bow and childlike playfulness. The second class of signals relates to making a women appear sexier and playing up her sexual aspects. Some of those signals include tossing the hair, tilting the pelvis, the parade, the room encompassing glance, grooming and preening, the leg twine (where the legs are tightly pressed together) and leg crossing, hiking the skirt and or dressing provocatively. The third way to indicate interest are proximity related such as moving closer, pointing and eye contact which is figurative closeness, touching and crossing the legs toward rather than away. The remaining signals are rapport building and are the ones we find most obvious, although as they relate to interest, aren’t as significant. These signals include verbal contact and are less significant because by this time we usually know things are going well, and that interest is present. Echoing and mirroring is also part of sexual body language and is known within this category as “the nonverbal mating dance.” Now that we have cues in loose categories, we can look at them in more detail.

The Most Common Female Sexual Signals

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Lip licking can be a cue of sexual interest, but only if other cues are present. No cue, by itself can be taken to mean any one thing.

Lip licking can be a cue of sexual interest, but only if other cues are present. No cue, by itself can be taken to mean any one thing.

Nearly every motion of the body can be construed sexually, but only properly read as sexual within the right context. Take for example proximity, which can mean interest, but independent of context, means nothing. Getting stuffed into an elevator may lead to accidental touching but this doesn’t mean a girl fancies a guy, but in context with other signals, could mean that she does. She might go out of her way to stand next to him even if the elevator is only partially full, or she might cast intermittent gazes. Unfortunately, these low key signals are often thought to be clear signals of interest by the women who send them. Women figure they’re obvious and overt, and when the man she fancies doesn’t reciprocate, she takes this to mean that he’s disinterested. Even if she gives him the benefit of the doubt she might “ramp” things up a little bit to get him excited by looking up into his eyes and licking her lips making them glossy, but even these subtle hints can pass for normal affect. From these cues alone, should he know what is going on?

The simple answer is, no, he shouldn’t, he needs more obvious clues to discern interest. Maybe she licks her lips regularly, maybe she’s a natural close talker and ignores the personal space of those around her as part of her personality explaining her willingness to stand so close or maybe she’s just a friendly kind of person. Men need concrete reasons to solicit because what women are asking of them is risky and potentially embarrassing. Without “coming over the top” which can than be risky for women, they should offer controlled, directed and continuous signals of interest to test his willingness to pursue. Signals should begin subtly and grow in intensity with the passage of time, especially if the hint isn’t being picked up and there is a strong interest in creating attraction. Women should not assume that just because he doesn’t respond to a smile, that he’s completely without interest. He might be doing his version of being polite, or gentlemanly. Along similar lines, men should resist approaching any and all women, especially those that only put out mild cues. Men should let women dance a little too, as this will raise sexual tension, show that they are worthy as a mate because they aren’t supplicating all over them, and that they have inherent value. This isn’t to say that they should ignore cues altogether, all cues are important to recall, but it does mean that they should resist acting on vague ones.

In this chapter we first we cover the most common sexual signals for women, and then we move onto ways in which men can signal sexually in the pages that follow. For now, let’s look at what women can do to be clear about their sexual interest to men, so as to reap the results they desire, and in the same breath we outline the cues that men should be watchful of in women as cues worthy of pursuit.

Why Men Don’t Seem To Get It And Why Women Are Half The Problem

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Some men are naturals - the rest of us need to work at it!

Some men are naturals – the rest of us need to work at it!

Research conducted in 2008 by Dr. Coreen Farris of Indiana University shows that men just don’t get it when it comes to sexual signals. Her study had an initial group of both males and females rate images based on four categories (called affect groupings): friendly, sexually interested, sad, or rejecting. From that sample they chose an additional set of eighty men and eighty women to rate the final images into affect groupings once again. A photo was kept if the majority of men and women categorized the picture into the same affect group. The results showed some interesting findings. Men not only mistook non-sexual cues for sexual cues, but they also mistook the sexual cues as non-sexual.

The confusion men have when rating women’s nonverbal sexual signals probably has everything to do with the fact that men have twenty times more testosterone than women and so their perception of the world is viewed through ‘sex-coloured-glasses’. In terms of evolution and efficacy of spreading their seed, this makes sense, even though at times it can lead to unwanted or embarrassing confusion. Because of men’s inability to read cues properly, this chapter is heavily aimed identifying cues that will help men read the signals more precisely. The subtext of the chapter though, is aimed squarely on women to turn them into better deliverers of their true intent so as to avoid unwanted solicitation. In other words, women carry a clear fifty percent share of the fault when it comes to poor courtship cues, as are men in reading them. If women can improve the clearness of their signals, men can, and will respond more appropriately. When it comes to men, a precise, direct signal is best.