Tag Archive for Gestures

Interlacing Fingers and Palm Finger Stroking

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Interlaced fingers is a low confidence hand display.

Interlaced fingers is a low confidence hand display.

When the fingers massage the palm or the fingers are interlaced together then gently rub up and down as the fingers stroke the inside of the other indicate a person who is in doubt, has low confidence, or is experiencing stress. As tension escalates the gesture will move from palm stroking into more rigorous interlaced finger stroking making the two a progression of intensity. Thus while palm stroking is due to mild doubt or slight confidence issues, interlaced fingers that rub up and down is to do a higher level of anxiety.

Both gestures are excellent examples of pacifying behaviours meant to sooth underlying emotional discomfort. As conversations intensify watch for increases in soothing body language revealing the underlying anxiety.

Poor Self Image And The Body Language That Tells

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Tugging at the ears helps distract the mind from emotional stress.

Tugging at the ears helps distract the mind from emotional stress.

“Auto contact” is a term used to describe any gesture such as stroking the beard, rubbing the hands, tugging the ear, massaging the throat, pulling the fingers, rubbing the back of the neck and so forth, which is meant to sooth the body and create comfort. These gestures are also used to eliminate internal tensions and provide reassurance. It is believed that these mannerisms stem from childhood sources when our parents would comfort us with touch. Social touching has been shown to increase oxytocin which is a natural chemical messenger released by the brain. Oxytocin also helps in reducing anxiety, and creates feelings of contentment, calmness and creates trust. Studies reveal that oxytocin plays a big role in orgasm since it helps control fear and anxiety. In fact, when negative emotions aren’t controlled, orgasm is impossible. Self touching serves to fight the underlying stress associated with the negative stimulus so as to recreate the feelings of having someone sooth you. This reminds people of more pleasurable situations. In short, it takes the mind to a better place. Grooming and self touching, stem wholly from arousal but this arousal can be due to a variety of reasons. It might stem from anxiety, anger, stress or uncertainty. It will be your job to decide which is the main cause, and part of this means that you need to take context in mind.

Interestingly manipulations, in this way, provide others will ‘tells’ that indicate which parts of our bodies we don’t like. For example, a man who is self conscious about his hair loss will frequently brush or stroke his head in a failed effort to hide the bareness, especially so when under stress He might also run his hand backwards over his head or smooth it or pat it. A woman with a large nose will motion or touch it whenever she feels insecure. Thus, not only do these ‘tells’ indicate that someone is stressed, but they tell us what parts of their bodies they find most troublesome. In a chain reaction, the stress produces an underlying emotion that then creates a behaviour – a gesture, that serves to fight the stress. This behaviour then in turn reveals an underlying self conscious attitude toward a part of our bodies. The method used to “attack” the ‘tell’ will give you additional clues to the intent. For example, a child who is angry will pick and pull at a scar whereas one that is embarrassed will tend to cover it from sight or brush it.

Touching or stroking the body helps relieve stress by releasing the hormone oxytocin.

Touching or stroking the body helps relieve stress by releasing the hormone oxytocin.

Small children, especially boys will sometimes grab at their genitals when stressed. Being unacceptable for adults, it can be replaced with a tight leg cross where the genitals are squeezed. Women have been known to do the same thing, even bouncing a leg up and down and squeeze their upper thighs tightly together which can even result in orgasm. Not every leg bounce with tight leg crossing produces orgasm though, yet this form of soothing still produces comfort, and quite likely a dose of oxytocin to boot! Women may also lightly brush the lower parts of their breasts as they crossing their arms, which is also in effort to self sooth. With careful observation (be careful here) the breast will seem to slightly lift as the second arm crosses over the first, locking it in place. This is one of the postures that becomes much more obvious after being recognized once. Resting the head on a hand or rubbing the back of the neck, wringing the hands or rubbing the legs are all substitutes to more overt self-stimulation. Men might resort to rubbing their temples and women might employ hair touches and grooming or stroking the sides of their arms. No matter how self touching unveils itself, it can show hidden insecurities, so can provide useful information about someone especially when taken in proper context.

Nervous Hands

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Nervous hands clasp to steady.

Nervous hands clasp to steady.

A telltale clue to nervousness is when the hands begin to shake. Since the hands are designed for fine motor control, they are easily affected by a surge of adrenaline stimulated from stress from nervousness or excitement. Any stimulus, good or bad, can stimulating the muscles in the hands to fire out of control creating quivering. The limbic mind driven by fight or flight response is what causes hand shaking which makes the nonverbal cue particularly honest and predictive.

As mentioned even positive events can create shaking, such as an excellent hand in poker or seeing someone we have a deep crush on. Hands more often than not however, will quiver when bad things happen that send us into a fear response such as preparing to take the stage to present in front of an audience, being in a serious car crash or swerving to avoid one at the last minute. When in any sort of confrontation, we can also experience hand shaking. To decide what sort of stimulus, be it fear or excitement that it causing the quivering one doesn’t have to go much further than context. From there, it should be obvious why someone is shaking.

A hand-to-mouth gesture used to placate nervous hands.

A hand-to-mouth gesture used to placate nervous hands.

To disguise handshaking, some people will grasp at objects such as drinking glasses, will clasp their hands together or occupy them with “busy work.” Other times people will steady their uneasy hands by grabbing the hand of a relative, cupped them hand-in-hand at the chest, or thrust them underneath the armpits or in pockets. People who suffer from pronounced handshaking will develop elaborate ritualized gestures to keep their hands from being noticed. They will play with the arms of eye glasses, twirl pencils, or fidget with clothing. To others it will go unnoticed because they will appear as a normal part of their repertoire – their baseline.

Does he always sit on his hands or is he hiding something?

Does he always sit on his hands or is he hiding something?

Teenage girls meeting a celebrity pop singer are often seen fidgeting with their hands as they defy gravity by bouncing up and down. Their hands will often be flung sky-high and they clasp together in excitement. This is nervous energy personified and the hands show the limbic system in overdrive. Watch for this “tell” in a poker game as hands might come together underneath the table to steady each other. Hand shaking in poker, however, can be due to either fear of getting caught bluffing or the excitement good hand. In this case, it is a person’s baseline that helps predict which of the two is really happening. Hand quivering is important only when it deviates from a person’s normal repertoire of actions. For example, if hand quivering suddenly starts up or stops when discussing a particular event, we know that event is the root. It will then be our job to decide why the event caused nervousness or excitement. The same goes for any other cue, be it a new person added to a social gathering, nearing the edge of a cliff (fear of heights), being asked a question that is difficult to answer and so forth.

Summary – Chapter 10

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In this chapter we looked at attentive and evaluative body language. Here we defined attentive in terms of active participation in a conversation or presentation and evaluative in terms of thought or processing of information to reach a decision. We saw that undivided attention is obvious when a rate of eighty percent eye contact, or nearly so, is achieved while being listened to, and whilst speaking occurs at a rate of sixty percent with any significant deviation representing a loss of attention. We saw that fidgeting or repetitive behaviours such as tapping the toes, swinging the feet or drumming the fingers can signal boredom. We covered other boredom indicators like the body sagging or slouching in a seat, leaning against the wall or dropping the head.

We then moved onto agreement indicators and found that slow nodding shows general agreement, but that quick nodding can show impatience or a desire to interject and also that the brain is hardwired to think positively either when nodding or viewing nodding by others. Next we learned that when the hand holds the chin it shows varying levels of negative thoughts by how much weight it supports. The more the weight held by the hand, we saw, the more boredom present.

We then looked at other evaluative body language such as chin stroking, signifying that the decision making process had begun but that a conclusion had not yet been reached, what glasses mean, peering over the glasses means judgment, hand steepling which shows confidence and hidden superiority, and neck rubbing, which is a restraint posture indicating negative feelings. Lastly, we covered additional evaluative body language such as stroking the side of the nose, flared nostrils, pinching the bridge of the nose, looking upwards, or looking around the room, but cautioned that some of these same gestures can be indicators of other thoughts. For example, we learned that looking up might also mean that someone is in disbelief and is ‘sending a prayer to God.’ We found that flared nostrils can also mean an internal judgment is forming, agitated or even aggression. We concluded that when we witness evaluative gestures we should prepare to mount a better case, or prepare for a possible negative outcome.

Other Evaluative Gestures

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To conclude this chapter, there are some other subtle gestures that tell us that someone is thinking or evaluating a decision which includes stroking the side of the nose, flared nostrils, pinching the bridge of the nose, looking upwards and looking around the room. These gestures all show us that a person is trying to come up with the best course of action, or to come to a satisfactory decision. Some evaluative gestures also have confusing meanings, for example, looking up might mean that someone is bored or in disbelief – a form of evaluation. When looking up refers to disbelief the person is ‘sending a prayer to God’ or saying “I can’t believe what I’m hearing”. Flared nostrils might also be an evaluative gesture as well because it reveals an internal judgment but it can also indicate agitated or aggression. In the same general ballpark, one might turn their nose sideways by twitching the muscles slightly revealing dislike or disbelief. This last gesture likely has origins in avoiding a particularly bad odor.

These last clues should always be taken in context and be paired with other evaluative cues in clusters, of which have been discussed in this chapter. Many times, evaluative body language shows reserved disagreement, which gives us time to prepare a better case or prepare for a less desirable outcome, such that we aren’t taken by surprise.

Some evaluative gestures:

Nose twitching.

Nose twitching.

Pinching the bridge of the nose.

Pinching the bridge of the nose.

Neck Rubbing

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He's holding himself back by the scruff of the neck.

He’s holding himself back by the scruff of the neck.

The neck hold, scratch or rub is a response to negative feelings. It is a restraint posture as in “holding one’s self back” as one might do to a wily cat or dog by grabbing them by the scruff of the neck. In this case, though, we are doing it to ourselves. While not a full blown emotional displacement posture it does serve to alleviate the negative sensation we have. Like taking medicine fixes illnesses, and an itch fixes a scratch a gesture treats and underlying emotion. Not until we allow ourselves the opportunity to do the gesture can we treat our underlying emotion. This is what makes gestures and postures in body language so predictive of emotional roots. They are connected.

Touching the back of the neck is not the same as touching any other part of the neck such as the side, which can be used as a filler gesture to pause for thought, or the front which can be used to show sexual interest in a dating context. Scratching the back of the neck, rather, is a primitive gesture, that is a response to arrector pili muscles in the scruff that our body uses to make our hair stand on end. The arrector pili are a microscopic band of muscle tissue that connects hair follicles to the skin. When stimulated, the muscles contract and cause the hair to turn upward and perpendicular to the skin surface, or stand on end. While the purpose of the muscles in humans is vestigial, meaning they are an evolutionary throwaway, they were once used to trap air next to the skin to help keep the body warm. Other uses are for display and competition to make the body appear larger and more threatening. You have probably seen a domestic cat put its hair up when challenged by another cat. In porcupines, the muscles contract to bring the quills up as a defense. As a defense, and for heat retention for people, the purpose of the arrector pili is laughable at best, but our bodies still react to cold and fear, even aggression by stimulating the muscles. A cold chill down the spin and “goose bumps” or “goose pimps” is a reference to the same thing. When we reach for our scruff, we are showing an evolutionary throwaway to a time when our hair would have stood on end!

Neck touching can be a positive signal when it's done in the right context - here neck exposure shows comfort and attraction.

Neck touching can be a positive signal when it’s done in the right context – here neck exposure shows comfort and attraction.

Neck touches are therefore, connected with negative thinkers and restraint. To discover the true meaning of the gesture, we need to look at this cue in context accompanied whatever other cues are present. For example, let’s imagine two men in a bar, one of which is yelling and swearing promising to send him to the next county, while the other, much larger and more muscular wearing an official MMA (mixed martial arts) attire, keeps his distance holding his arm to his neck. What is the MMA fighter doing here, is he thinking negative thoughts, or holding himself back from using his fighting skills to defend himself. I think the answer is obvious. The context tells us exactly what is happening. The neck hold, versus a scratch can be in response to making a mistake and trying to take it back as in “Whoops, sorry, that was stupid of me and I won’t do it again.” The neck rub or hold can be seen when being verbally assaulted by a boss, here what is said is “He’s a real pain in the neck.” Even my nine-month-old son thinks I’m a pain in the neck when I won’t let him do something dangerous! Since he’s just little he can’t reach all the way back, so his arm comes up and back at about ear level when I tell him he can’t do something. If he just laughs, I know he hasn’t really taken me seriously. When that happens I re-iterate my instruction making sure he gives me some sort of retrained gesture or given me eye contact.

What Glasses Mean

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Chewing or sucking on the frames of the glasses signifies deep thought.

Chewing or sucking on the frames of the glasses signifies deep thought.

As an artifact, glasses can be used to convey nonverbal meaning. Chewing or sucking on the frames of the glasses signifies deep thought. Pens placed in the mouth have the same effect. As we saw with chin stroking, what immediate follows evaluative gestures tells us what sort of decision has been made, be it positive or negative. If arms and legs become crossed, or the body leans back, it means that the person has reached a negative conclusion. The glasses can be shaken from side to side signaling a rejection of an idea which is a tempered way to finger shake – the finger shake by itself indicates a much more powerful message. Boredom can also be signaled with glasses such as folding and unfolding them repeatedly, bending them at the center can indicate agitation, and touching the tips signal tension or stress. Putting the glasses back on means the person wants to see more of the facts, setting them aside can mean that the meeting is over and throwing them aside altogether or dropping them abruptly means a full rejection of the meeting. Quickly anticipating a negative decision can be of assistance to thwart an overt conclusion in effort to leave the door open, even if just a crack. However, obviously, your work is cut out for you to sway someone who is so close to a final decision. You will need to work in overdrive to bring them back from the brink.

Moving the glasses up on the forehead can signal honesty while peering over the glasses is a classic evaluative gesture that signals scrutiny and judgment. The image it invokes in people is that of the discerning librarian or catholic school teacher bearing down on naughty students. The presence of glasses is not paramount to the gesture, but does help make it more salient. With or without glasses it happens by tilting the head downward with the eyes peering onto the subject across the bridge of the nose. With glasses, the gesture includes pulling them forward with the hand and simultaneously peering over them. If the head is cocked to the side it says “Really? You can’t be serious.” The cue cluster also includes arms folded or on the hips, legs crossed, squinted eyes and pursed lips, scowling and or an index finger that wags from side to side (meaning naughty).

Studies show that we also rate wearers of glasses as being more studious, intelligent, sincere and conservative, although having particularly thick glasses negates those positive attributes. We think thick glasses are for those with low social skills who are overly-intelligent (geeks or nerds). While not all of these gestures are perfectly predictive glasses, just like pencils, pieces of paper, folders or books, they are an extension of the hand so carry the same message but in an exaggerated way.

Undivided Attention

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An interested listener is focused on the entire person, their gestures, voice tone and the information delivered.

An interested listener is focused on the entire person, their gestures, voice tone and the information delivered.

Meeting in crowded areas offers plenty of distractions, which in and of itself might lead one to belief that measuring attention would be difficult. However, the opposite is actually true; in other words, it’s easier to measure interest in busy places because the eye can be caught wondering. As we covered earlier in the chapter on eye language, we can verify interest based on where eyes are cast. The eyes tell where the body wants to be, and when the mind is fully engaged on the presentation, the focus will be on the speaker rather then what is going on around them.

Looking away rarely happens with someone who is completely engrossed in a conversation unless they do so to concentrate. We know from an earlier discussion, that faces are complicated making it difficult to process information. However absent of complex thought, we know that when someone looks away, it’s due to disinterest in the subject matter. Take for example, a very important news item appearing suddenly on television and the sequences of events that follow. First, we try to quiet a room so we have time to tune into the broadcast, next we locate the remote and turn the volume up loud enough so that even random noises don’t supersede the broadcast. Our eyes become fixated at the exclusion of anything else in the room and our ears become finely tuned to the voice of the broadcaster. When completely engaged, there is a fear of missing something important. This doesn’t just occur while watching television or movies, but can happen when in deep conversation, while reading something interesting or any other task for that matter. Any husband will tell you how easily it is to “tune” women out when watching sports!

An interested listener is focused on the entire person, their gestures, voice tone and the information delivered. For most, the picture they pick up about the speaker’s body language is subconscious, but it does help them form an overall impression of their honesty, integrity, emotionality and so forth. Therefore the focus doesn’t stop on the words alone, but on the entire message. An attentive listener is directed, having their bodies oriented toward the speaker, their arms open and apart willing to take information in, their legs will be crossed or open but aimed at the speaker, their head might be cocked to the side at forty five degrees showing interest, and any information they add will be appropriate to the given subject rather than off topic.

There will be times, when a fully attentive person will look away, down or about the room, but these ganders are few and brief, with the primary attention placed back on the speaker. It has been shown that up to eighty percent eye of contact is made while listening and about forty to sixty percent while speaking. Thus, we can measure the level of interest simply by making note of how often the person looks away. Someone that is bored will almost seem to look everywhere but at the speaker, or will appear to glaze over in an unblinking stare. Looking away is a subconscious indication that the other person is looking for an escape route – a way out of the conversation.

Introduction – Chapter 10

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Trying not to pay attention.

Trying not to pay attention.

It’s not a stretch to say that reading attentive and evaluative body language is a useful skill for everyone at one time or another. For teachers, attentive and evaluative body language cues are useful to read student interest and their level of active thought, for sellers it provides a gauge to the efficacy of a pitch, and to acquaintances at a social even, the level of engagement.

A presenter at a conference might want to measure his story telling skills and so might look for cues to “undivided attention”. He might therefore be interested in shortening presentation points that create fidgeting and shuffling. The salesman, on the other hand, also wants to avoid boredom, but needs to watch for evaluative gestures such as chin stroking, flared nostrils, pinching the bridge of the nose and rubbing the back of the neck to see how close he is to closing the sale and what level of decision making is at hand in his target. Does a chin stroking mean he’s already made up his mind and is mulling things over, or is he just satisfying and itch?

Naturally, as the stakes rise, so too does the importance in reading evaluative and attentive body language accurately, so it is important to keep these cues at hand. In this chapter, “attentive” refers to the level of interest expressed during an interaction whereas “evaluative” delineates indicators that a decision is in the process of being made. This chapter, while brief, covers a significant subset of the body language that happens as people are in thought, give undivided attention or lack thereof and show that they are preparing to reach a decision. We also hit on the hidden meaning of glasses, hand steepling, neck rubbing and a subset of additional evaluative gestures we might encounter in our daily lives.

The Security Blanket

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Playing with a sleeve of cufflink is a leaked gesture because it replaces a full arm cross but still provides the feeling of comfort.

Playing with a sleeve of cufflink is a leaked gesture because it replaces a full arm cross but still provides the feeling of comfort.

As we get older we are taught that certain behaviours and habits are unacceptable. Carrying a security blanket, for example, while acceptable as a toddler is unbecoming in grade school so it is weaned. Perhaps as a by-product of our recent, in evolutionary terms at least, bipedalism, we’ve failed to fully adjust methods of keep our hands busy. Bipedalimsm is the term used to describe walking on two feet which is rare in the animal kingdom. When under pressure, our hands and arms are the first to feel out of place and give away our awkwardness. Even those that spend a lot of time in front of large audiences can still be found with “security blankets”, as it were whose purpose is to keep busy our free appendages.

The cuff link is a common choice for men attending formal affairs because it gives their hands a use instead of dangling awkwardly as they walk. Next time you see a televised awards show watch carefully as a presenter or an award winner make his way up to the stage, he just might show his awkwardness by fingering his cufflink. Reaching across the body in this way is also an abbreviated arm cross since the hands come out in front of the body forming a barrier, in this case a loose loop.

A purse can be used as a shield to protect the torso. If you want to know how she really feels about you, just measure much she trusts you around her purse.

A purse can be used as a shield to protect the torso. If you want to know how she really feels about you, just measure much she trusts you around her purse.

This type of body language is defined as ‘leaked’ because consciously the person is trying to prevent it from happening, but their conscious mind is only successful at blocking a more obvious gesture by replacing it with one that is slightly less pronounced. The gestures are also considered “masked arm crosses” because they create a barrier-effect protecting the body, but aren’t full blow arm crosses. Other forms of gestures that fall in the same family include holding or clutching a bag, checking the contents of a bag or briefcase where the arms must cross the body, playing with a bracelet, watch or shirt button and holding a drink with both hands. Any sort of motion that allows one hand or arm to cross the center of the body, or where a crutch object is sought that otherwise serves little or no appropriate purpose, qualifies as a security blanket. To those aware of the cue, it is a very easy ‘tell’ to catch, because there really is no purpose for the behaviour aside from tension relief.

What to know if a women trust you? See how she reacts around her handbag! The handbag is a very personal item for women and she uses it as an item of security. When nervous or out of place, she can dive into her bag and checks its contents so as to symbolically connects her to the comforts of home and exempt her from outside interruptions. In other words, while she checks her back, she’s busy, don’t bother her! Handbags give women something to grasp onto and hold especially if they feel particularly self-conscious or insecure and will feel naked without it. On the other hand, if she allows the handbag contents to be viewed by a potential male suitor, or trusts him to guard it, you can bet that she is willing to explore a relationship. Women are personally connected to their handbags!