Tag Archive for Gestures

How Women Can Avoid Solicitation By Men

by  • March 6, 2013 • 1 Comment

She's just not that into you.

She’s just not that into you.

The chapter has a heavy focus on ways that women attract sexual attention, but there were a few hints dropper here and there with regards to ways women can avoid attention. The problem as women might view it is that most of the tactics involved dropping cues, or ‘inaction’ rather than actionable body language. Because there are times when women require the opposite result, I have devoted this section to ways women can actively send rejection signals. It is far easier and less embarrassing to use nonverbal language to send negative signals and they can be implemented earlier to reduce escalation before it’s too late. Women far too often make the mistake of placating others to their own detriment. When men are bored, they feel no pain, no discomfort, no desire to offer anything other than a barren despondent look on their face. It might surprise you to hear me say to this, congratulations! Men who show their true emotions have mastered, all-be-it passively, the use of effective body language and use it to convey their boredom to others. When men are bored, they say “shape up or ship out”, women should heed this and follow. So women, please pay careful attention to the tips that follow to avoid unwanted approaches.

My conclusions are drawn in large part from the research of Dr. Monica Moore in 1998 who looked at rejection patterns in women. She found seventeen main behaviours in her study that indicated rejection of potential male partners. They included facial expressions such as yawning, frowning, sneering, gaze avoidance, upward gaze, hair gaze (looking at one’s own hair), looking away, and staring, as well as gestures such as negative head shaking, nail cleaning, teeth picking or pocketing hands, and finally, posture patterns such as arm crossing, holding the trunk rigidly, closed legs, body contact avoidance or pulling away. Here they are by category in a bit more detail.

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Avoiding eye contact shows men that we're not interested in interacting.

Avoiding eye contact shows men that we’re not interested in interacting.

Gaze avoidance happens when the woman refused to make eye contact with the man, despite him looking directly at her. She will look at other people, make eye contact with someone else, or pretend to be taken by something else in the room. This can and in fact, should be done while a man is currently speaking. Buck up women, grow some and spell it out! Look at it this way, you’re saving him time by being direct and upfront and in the long run, he might even thank you if it gives him the time to pursue someone else. To display disinterest a women can also look upward by raising the chin only a quarter inch or look at the ends of her hair which is a strong signal of boredom and detachment. Any behaviours should include prolonged inattention, lasting at least ten seconds, but more is always better! Staring is also used, in this case staring lasts multiple seconds or until the man looks away, but when he does, don’t look him over, start a conversation with someone else or leave altogether without saying anything. If none of these messages seem to be working, add frowns or sneers to your repertoire. The sneer happens with furrowed brows and the mouth is compressed and turned downward. The sneer happens when the mouth is twisted and the nose wrinkled. Next you can use head shaking and yawning which shows negative thoughts rather than using more affirmative head movements such as nods.

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Turning the body away and taking a step amplifies disinterest.

Turning the body away and taking a step amplifies disinterest.

Gestures are nonverbal rejection patterns that involved movement of the hands and arms. Interested women perform palm displays, however, disinterested women will pocket their hands instead, or cross their arms over their chest. To further disinterest, an increase in distance would occur by taking steps backwards or using barriers to reduce closeness. Self grooming can also be used to show disinterest, but not in a flirtatious way. Instead picking the nails, or teeth is used to turn men off and efficiently display disinterest.

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Crossing the arms denies a man exposure to your torso - an unwelcome signal.

Crossing the arms denies a man exposure to your torso – an unwelcome signal.

Posture patterns involve movement and positioning of the body. These are tied to closed body positions and include such items as tightly crossing the legs, legs crossed at the ankles or hidden under a chair. Other postures include a rigid upright torso and positions that avoided body contact and if contact was initiated the women would pull away. Leaning back and turning the back to the man is also effective.

 

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Whatever cues you plan on using, be sure of your intent before emitting them. If you are serious about rejecting someone it is important that you be deliberate, predictable and consistent. If you flip-flop from positive to negative cues, he’ll just think that you are “moody” which will create a situation that makes negative cues less effective in the future. It will also prolong pursuit because the positive cues mixed into the interaction will provide him incentives to continue. Finally, be prepared to be called bad names like “grumpy” and of course “bitch.” It is unfortunate for women that they aren’t given the same latitude as men in terms of their ability to display negative emotions in an outward fashion, but this is the world we live in and no amount of complaining will change it. The research tells us that women are expected to smile even if unhappy, and be chipper when depressed, but when it comes to rejecting someone, it’s best done quickly and without remorse. Afterall, when it comes to rejection, do you really care what their opinion is of you?

If this sort of tactic makes you uncomfortable, you are welcome to use an integrity based, verbal rejection. “Sorry, I’m not interested” will work just fine in most cases. Whatever method you choose, it will be you that has to live by it.

Echoing And Mirroring Is The Mating Dance

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

We're both "the captain!"

We’re both “the captain!”

So far in this book we have talked about mirroring in terms of building rapport for business and life in general, but the real excitement comes from mirroring in dating. Mirroring in dating is the original “mating dance.” It is a complete synchrony of gestures and movements that seems carefully choreographed, but isn’t. It is so pervasive that it carries through to synchronous breathing and blinking, tone of voice, inflection and pitch, not to mention more obviously gestures like body position and movements such as affect and illustrators, regulators and standing postures. Mirroring is the mechanism that produces fluid dance which is a precursor to the much more intimate dance that happens between the sheets!

Mirroring isn’t a childish copy-cat game, but it is close. A distinction should be made between mirroring and echoing. Echoing happens when gestures and positions are duplicated some time after they first appear, usually within a matter of seconds. Mirroring is done by immediately taking up the same postures, or if facing one another, its mirror opposite. Picture this next example as if the woman and man are both facing head-on, where the woman is on the left and the man on the right. Here a perfect mirror would happen as the inside, or left foot of the woman is up on the foot rest at a bar, with a drink in her right hand, and her left arm resting on the bar top, the man would have his right foot on the foot rest, his drink in his left hand, and his right arm on the bar top. This is full mirroring. If the man pauses in his dialogue and takes a drink and so too does the woman, they will have again mirrored each other. However, if either one pauses for a second, then follows, they will have echoed each other. Other examples in the same scenario include playing with a glass or adjusting foot positions or gestures or touching the face similarly. When complete synchrony is established which can take from minutes to hours (or not at all), we call this the mating dance. I should note too, that echoing can happen up to a minute later and not all gestures are duplicated exactly. Common ground between two people can be extensive, as it is with twins who have a high degree of agreement, or slight when only small agreement is present, and this is reflected in the strength of the dance.

Testing mirroring can be done by simple observation, that is, by being mindful of any following that is done by your object. However, mirroring can also be sped up and manipulated by allowing gestures to be taken up by your partner, then after some time changing them to measure the speed with which the gestures of your partner follows. This tactic is not much different than what happens on the dance floor. Fast music really tells us if we’re on the same page together, and when “dancing without music”, the same effect is present. The more synchrony there is, the stronger the agreement, and the faster positions are adopted. Men and women can both test this out for themselves and will see that when rapport is strong, couples will hurry to stay on top of the dance through its postures.

Mirroring postures in other people, by following their lead can also test interest. To do this, just take on postures similar to your partner and see if they feel comfortable holding them with you. If they change or adopt new postures quickly or seem agitated, you can be sure that they see the two of you as different and that little or no attraction is present. When people disagree, they do their best to appear different, and this is one of the times our guts give us a visceral reaction. When we don’t like someone we do our best to expose our differences rather than our similarities.

Above: Mirroring is an instant way of building or monitoring the connection people have with one another. Yawning for example is a way that even complete strangers feel compelled to mimic. Mirroring-body language helps us gauge what level of agreement is present between people. In our historical past, mirroring each others gestures served to eliminate aggression between people. We use it today in much the same way. Two strangers won’t initially hold the same gestures or will hold closed body language and postures, but as agreements and opinions are expressed the body will show agreement and common ground. In dating, mirroring plays an even more potent role as couples can groove in almost complete synchrony which we call the matting dance. Mirroring therefore, says “Look at me, I’m the same as you, and we both agree”.

Grooming And Preening

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A woman grooming a man is a good sign that she's trying to keep him looking good for her own benefit.

A woman grooming a man is a good sign that she’s trying to keep him looking good for her own benefit.

Grooming includes smoothing clothing, rearranging attire, rubbing the hands, glancing in a mirror and, applying lipstick, fixing the hair amongst many others. While not a grooming gesture per se, women can also provocatively leave buttons unbuttoned, especially a button-up blouse in effort to peek men’s curiousity. These are all signals of interest within the proper context. We all, men included, groom and preen ourselves in order to appear more presentable and attractive to others. The more concerned we are with our looks, the more it indicates our desire to show off and attract and the timing with which this happens is extremely important because it indicates to us the purpose of the adjustments and whom the fixes are meant for. For example, if a woman appears relaxed in her attire, perhaps wearing comfortable jeans and a sloppy sweat shirt rather than something more “put together”, and stumbles upon someone she feels is attractive, she might begin to panic and hyper groom in effort to minimize whatever damage she figures she has caused to her image. Grooming tells us that she feels his opinion matters which is no different from men. Men will smooth out ties or a shirt, button up a jacket to appear more formal, smooth out their pants or fix their hair.

Grooming gestures become particularly powerful delivered with eye contact too, not just with respect to proximity and visibility. Eye contact for example is an “anchor” for sexual signals as it hooks the signal to a particular target. Grooming absent of a target and hence eye contact, might mean, either, the desire to attract in general as we saw in the “parade” where women are just acting like magnets to see what sticks, or else a superficial desire to appear put together for it’s own sake. Grooming and preening can also be done on other people to indicate interest. A woman might pluck some imaginary lint from a man’s clothing that she fancies, while another she detests might go an entire evening with food stuck to the side of his face. She might also fix a man’s hair, straighten and adjust clothing or rub his back, all methods of showing interest. The touching and proximity that comes as a result of grooming is not just incidental, it’s the driving force. Touching is a strong indicator of interest especially when initiated by a woman.

Above: Preening gestures indicate that a woman is preparing herself for someone else to touch her but when a woman plucks some imaginary lint from a man’s clothing she’s probably interested. She might also fix a man’s hair, straighten and adjust clothing or rub a man’s back to show interest. Back touching, scratching and massaging is an evolutionary throwback when we used to have totally hairy bodies and removing tics would have been a major hygienic necessity. It’s where “you scratch my back and I’ll scratch yours” came from. Regardless, touching and close proximity when done by a woman to a man, can be taken as a strong sign of sexual interest. Learn how to build a proper foundation for dating and attraction by reading the Ebook Body Language Project: Dating, Attraction and Sexual Body Language!

The Forehead Bow, Smiling And Childlike Playfulness

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This interest posture is hard to miss.

This interest posture is hard to miss.

The forehead bow is a posture done by artificially lowering the head, then looking up at a man from under the eyebrows in a “come hither” fashion. It has roots in the full bow done as a greeting gesture since it exposes the top of the head making it vulnerable to attack. Just like neck and wrist displays, it indicates that trust is present within courtship. It also comes off as a childlike gesture primarily because children are shorter than adults and habitually peer up at them. As we age, we recall these gestures and go back to them when wish to revive juvenile submissive feelings. The opposite to the forehead bow happens by tilting the head back and looking down one’s nose at someone, which is a judgment posture and is seen negatively.

Smiling frequently can sometimes be sexual, but accompanying signals must be cataloged to create certainty. Women will smile for a great variety of reasons and will smile regularly to appease men for no other reason besides habit. Smiling is a natural part of being a woman and while smiling alone is submissive, it doesn’t necessarily indicate sexual interest. Accompanying signals must adjoin smiling for it to be a true sexual signal. If smiling is done over a shoulder, with pouting lips and partly closed eyes, as in the sideways glance, it should be taken as a sexual cue, but absent, should be construed only as a regular appeasement gesture and nothing more.

Tickling and other play related actions habitually show up during courtship.

Tickling and other play related actions habitually show up during courtship.

The final most common type of submissive signal is childlike playfulness which isn’t a type of posture at all, but it is a form of nonverbal behaviour so it is included here. Stealing a hat, playful teasing, tickling, playing hide and seek or peek-a-boo around objects are forms of play and submission. Acting like a child shows that a person is ready to let their guard down and feel that no threat is present. Threat is a recurring theme as it relates to courtship because a big part of submission is trusting that a man will not abuse the power he is potentially about to be given by a woman. Women begin by providing submission is small doses to see exactly how it is handled. Should she trust him at great lengths without prior history, she will have set herself up for hurt or worse, either emotionally or physically. The act of sex is a risky undertaking for both sexes, but particularly for women, and while we have many ways to reduce the risks in our current society, we still hold the evolutionary hardwiring to fear all possible repercussions.

Above: The “forehead bow” or looking up through the forehead is a childhood throwback where little children would look up at their parents from beneath them. It is a submissive posture that is meant to arouse a caring and kind man, but more importantly, it serves to induce protective feelings from men. The childlike playfulness of the image it portrays is meant to create warm and fussy feelings in men so they are more willing to take care of women. Many more tips and information in the Ebook Body Language Project: Dating, Attraction and Sexual Body Language.

Summary – Chapter 12

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In this chapter we found that mirroring is one of the quickest and most efficient ways to build rapport with other people. It can be done consciously to gain an advantage and if done properly will go without noticed. It is effective to create liking, acceptance and formulate bonds. We discussed the chameleon affect where unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours occur between people of like minds. We looked at various studies showing that even purposeful mirroring has positive effects, creates and reveals liking in others, and helps gain approval. We found that proper mirroring is unlike the childhood game “copy-cat” where we imitate to irritate.

Proper mirroring, we found, works best by subtly picking up on unconscious gestures such as foot shaking, body scratching, face or hair touching or changes in posture. We discussed that mirroring that includes more dramatic gestures like leaning in, crossing legs, or folding arms, must always be done undetected lest it cause irreversible damage or negative thoughts. Echoing was compared to mirroring, with one key difference. That is, we found that echoing happens when similar postures were taken up, but only after some time had elapsed, rather than immediately as in mirroring. Echoing was therefore described as a more subtle way to build rapport. We found that mirroring can help find common ground during negotiations by creating cooperation and empathy instead of deception.

We also talked about what issues can arise to inhibit mirroring which includes resistance from inward looking people who define themselves by whom they are rather than their associations with others, self monitors who tend to obey their own internal regulators instead of modifying themselves by environment, and the final reason was outlined as outright disagreement. We discussed how mirroring can be matched to create perfect flow through changing dialect, speech rate or tempo, pitch, tonality, voice inflection, use of words and even accent and is called “communication accommodation theory.” We defined perfect speech patterns as “pacing” where information flows uninterrupted and in rhythm. Next we solved the puzzle as to why our pets look like our kids and couples look like each other, how our bosses and superiors call the shots and we should only sometimes mirror them, and how women mirror more than men overall.

What To Mirror To Gain Favours

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When people's bodies are out of sink, the differences of opinion are amplified.

When people’s bodies are out of sink, the differences of opinion are amplified.

Proper mirroring is far from the game we play as children. The goal of kid’s is to irritate their opponent with exact copying of gestures even expressions and word, whereas the goal of adults is to formulate agreement and rapport. In adults, necessarily, more subtle mirroring must follow. In the experiments listed above, the researchers set to mirror only those actions which occur subconsciously, those that happen out of normal awareness. Movements such as foot shaking, body scratching, face or hair touching or changes in posture are good ways to start the mirroring process. Your goal should always be to avoid getting caught consciously mirroring someone else since being detected will create negative feelings more so than if no mirroring was done at all. Motions such as leaning in, crossing legs and folding arms can also be used, but must be done with caution since these are much larger motions and can be more easily detected.

Echoing which is like mirroring where similar body postures are replicated, but of which happen sometime later, is a technique that makes the rapport building process more subtle. In echoing, postures and gestures are not concurrent with what is going on with others, but instead happen after some time has elapsed. To be effective, echoing happens within thirty seconds to a minute of separation, but can even happen with several minutes of separation, where only subtle rapport is felt.

Where body positions are fluent, yet echoed, and bodies seem to jive as if in an elaborate dance and where conversation flows smoothly we find “total synchrony.” We say that these people are on the same “wavelength.”

Some ways we mirror with our bodies:

[A] Shifting weight from one foot to the other foot or keeping the weight on the same foot.
[B] Leaning on a bar top or up against a wall or other structure.
[C] Crossing the legs in the same direction or opposite direction when facing each other.
[D] Keeping the legs uncrossed.
[E] Gesturing with the hands similarly.
[F] Drinking in unison or holding drinks with the same hand.
[G] Placing both hands, or just one hand, on the hips.
[H] Leaning in, or leaning out.

Introduction – Chapter 12

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When people "jive," they are in agreement and this commonality leads to liking.

When people “jive,” they are in agreement and this commonality leads to liking.

Mirroring or “isopraxis” is as important to lifelong friends as to strangers meeting for the first time, since mirroring is a way to test and maintain the level of rapport being established between two people or groups of people. Mirroring as it applies to nonverbal communication describes body postures, body positions and gestures that are held in unison or echoed a few seconds later, across people as they interacting. When full mirroring appears it is as if each person is looking into the mirror and seeing their reflection. When full mirroring happens, it indicates a high level or rapport, or connectivity between people.

We mirror as a form of bonding with one another, and it happens without our conscious awareness. In fact, mirroring is difficult to carry out in a natural way at a conscious level as we will see in this chapter. The evolutionary origins of mirroring might stem from imitative learning, where gestures and movements or skills are passed from one person to another. Children learn to imitate our facial expressions and quickly graduate to imitating our body positions, and then later they imitate us as we carry out tasks. If you’ve even driven with a youngster, you’ve watched them pretend to drive with their arms up, rocking the wheel left and right, or working the stick shift. Imitation has been said to be the greatest form of flattery and in mirroring this is the case.

In ancient times, mirroring would have created group cohesion and identity. Sports groups, riot officers, firemen, and a myriad of occupations all wear the same uniform. It is this dress that formulates the beginnings of the behaviour that eventually leads to a group’s ability to functioning in unison. Imagine if policemen all showed up in different dress and tried to control a crowd. To the rioters, they would seem as if they were rogue rioters themselves which would only exacerbate the problem. The rioters would identify the policemen as part of their group instead of part of the police group, which would only lead to additional chaos.

However, the police know the importance of mirroring, so they arrive with exactly the same gear, dress and comportment. They wave their batons, walk, stomp and chant in unison to display a fortified front. The uniform also serves to identify members of their group and dispel others quickly. A rioter who was able to secure a loose baton wouldn’t last long in the group in the group of police, even if he could adopt the same postures, chants and stomps, because he’d still lack the proper uniform. However, if he could obtain this too, he’d fit right in and would be accepted as part of the group without question. The results of this would be devastating, since his behaviours, no matter how random or unjust, would be tolerated by his “peers”. He could begin to smash windows or beat up other rioters and it would be initially overlooked by his group causing confusion. The uniform, because of mirroring and rapport, provides the rogue officer with additional powers, so he can get away with things that a rioter can not. This extension of power only lasts so long before it would be questioned though, and the same sort of behaviour is present in real life situations as it relates to mirroring. It builds rapport and group cohesion and identifies those that belong to us and fit in with our ideologies, and those that do not. When we are in groups we easily loose our individual mentality in favour of group cohesion. The rioters escalate their terror for the same reason. They are part of a group, identify with it and so adopt similar behaviour.

Mirroring and uniforms do not apply just to the police. In fact, it applies to almost every walk of life, in every office or business across the planet. We act and dress a certain way even when we are relaxing with friends. When we go to concerts we clap, sing, stand, drink and with the right group, listening to right music, may even join a mosh pit with others to slam our bodies together violently to celebrate the music. Mirroring says that we are on the same page. It’s like saying look at the two of us, we walk the same, talk the same and our bodies move in unison, therefore we must agree. Mirroring can cut so deep that breathing, blinking, and even our heart rates can beat in unison. Mirroring is such a profound quality of social animals as a whole. Our cities are built upon our abilities to mirror with row upon row of houses repeating one after the other, all with a small patch of green grass at the front and hopefully a bit more at the back. We all cut it short to make it presentable and to keep up with our neighbours. We compete with others just to fit in and be the same as them. Far from being a bad thing, mirroring creates social order, promotes peace and productivity and leads to cooperation.

Mirroring in rapport building is ubiquitous and serves a purpose but it also finds itself in some peculiar places. Yawning is one of them. Yawning is one of the more pronounced forms of mirroring since it has a contagious element. Yawning in one person sets off a chain of yawns within the rest of a group, even if the members don’t know each other. Picking up a foreign accent or adopting the idiosyncrasies of friends are two forms of subtle mirroring. Full blown mirroring happens when we cross our arms in unison, drink or eat together or even finish each other’s sentences. Twins have been known to connect in such a dramatic fashion that sentence finishing is commonplace and some twins can even begin sentences in unison. Mirroring comes out too in tone of voice, syntax, rhythm and use of pauses. Dancing is another form of pervasive mirroring and without building a connection, dance appear sloppy and uncoordinated. Women might even use it as a selective tool when evaluating potential suitors. If you can’t jive together in a coordinated fashion, can you be expected to raise a family together, what about create a family? Anecdotally, dance has been said to be a reliable predictor of how we perform in bed, so if you prefer a slow passionate dance over a break neck shake, keep this in mind! Let us not leave out facial expressions, emotions and overall mood as a subject to mirroring in others either. This is covered in the pages to follow.

Gravity Defying Body Language

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A convenient and accurate way to read someone’s level of happiness is to look for what is called “gravity defying” body language. This is any gestures that makes it seem as if a person is floating on air. We can also call these gestures of exuberance where energy is seemingly in no short supply, being expended just for its own sake. Children will walk excitedly by bouncing up and down on their way to see grandparents or to the town fair, and will sometimes even grab our hands so as to be swung to catch even more air. When we see people with a “Bounce in their step” what we really are seeing is happiness through body language as a person walks on the balls of their feet or when their arms swing confidently at their sides.

When hockey players score a goal, they will immediately throw their hands into the air. The stick is usually thrust upward in concert to defy gravity even more. Alexander Ovetchikin attained part of his fame for his elaborate celebration displays by tossing himself against the hockey rink glass. Bobby Orr’s superman dive after scoring the goal to win the Stanley cup in 1970 is one of the most recognizable images in hockey history. He personified gravity defying body language. Fist pumping is another common, yet much more subdued way to show happiness when we’ve succeeded at something and football has no shortage of exuberant dance moves after scoring a touch-down.

Another gesture that is more commonplace in everyday life happens by when either a toe is raised pointing upward while in a standing position with the weight on the back foot, or the while seated where the toe is facing down, but the heel is upward. Both gestures are gravity defying and signal that good things are happening. While standing, a person might rock back and forth on the balls of the feet or seem to stand taller, more confident and more animated. When people are happy their arms are used more to gesticulate during speech. Gravity defying gestures are rarely faked since they mostly go under the radar and someone in a bad mood usually wouldn’t think of, or be able to hold the gestures for any length of time. Interestingly, those with clinical depression are rarely seen doing these sorts of gestures, instead their shoulders seem to slump and their arms do no more than hang at their sides. Those that are insecure seem to let the weight of life keep them down and pin their arms to their sides.

Other Emotional Body Language

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Stroking can take on many forms and depending on context can indicate the need for comfort.

Stroking can take on many forms and depending on context can indicate the need for comfort.

Emotional body language can arise anytime the hands touch the face, neck, shoulder, arm, hand, or leg as a direct response to negative events. These negative events can be anything from an embarrassing or sexist joke, being put on the spot, having to present to an audience or being asked a difficult question. When viewing emotional body language keep in mind that men tend to touch their faces more often, whereas women prefer to touch their hair, arms, neck, clothing or jewelry. Men also tend to be more aggressive with their gestures and will tend to cup their necks just below their chins or will stroke the back of their necks with their fingers. They might also be seen adjusting their tie or a shirt collar when no such adjustment is required. On the other hand women will grab or play with a necklace or cover the part of the neck just below the Adam’s apple and above the breast bone. Emotional manipulation can serve to calm by reducing blood pressure and lowering the heart rate.

Like most emotional body language they serve to pacify the body to make it feel better by stimulating nerve endings to release calming endorphins. For example, while in deep thought, the temples might be massaged with one or both hands, the head might be scratched and when facing extreme difficulty the hand might reach around and grab the back of the neck depicting a negative thought stemming from emotional discomfort, frustration, doubt, insecurity or restraint. Rubbing the forehead is an evaluative body language gesture, but it also signals an internal struggle where slight to severe discomfort is being experienced. Exhaling air forcefully through a compressed mouth can also be a pacifying message especially when done by a smoker, since it reminds him of a habit that calms him. We mentioned chewing gum as a displacement gesture earlier, but even it is an oral pacifier especially if the rate of chewing intensifies.

Some other examples of pacifiers include smoking cigarettes, licking the lips more, rubbing the chin, stroking their face, playing with pens, pencils, lipstick, pulling the hair or scratching the forearms or more subtly like brushing the hair, adjusting a tie (preening), or checking or playing with a watch seemingly results driven and purposeful.

Some people have even been known to talk to themselves to make peace and are otherwise perfectly normal and sane. These gestures usually find their way into the repertoire of people and become favourites. That is, they will use the same ones each time when they become tense making it easy for us to read them accurately.

When viewing these gestures keep in mind that they may ebb and flow in real-time to the level of threat present. For example, imagine a tense negotiation between a couple who are making plans for their honeymoon vacation. The wife might be seen cupping her arm under her elbow to support her arm covering her suprasternal notch while the husband clasps the back of his neck in a restraint posture. As he concedes she might drop one or even both arms, but without a concession from her of some sort, he might remain negatively locked or might place his arms crossed on his chest. Sensing this, she might agree to a compromise, or if she doesn’t, may stimulate him to ramp up his agenda futher sending her back into an emotional state where she might begin fingering her necklace by playing with it.

Hostile Body Language

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I think she has choice words for you.

I think she has choice words for you.

Hostile body language is similar to sexual body language but only in so much as the gestures are made figuratively to the object with which the action is intended. For examples, hostility can be displayed by pulling or pinching at one’s own ears, cheeks, hair, or face. Figuratively these are actions that the hostile persons wish’s to inflict against their agitator. The gestures are displacement signals meaning they allow for the release of hostile thoughts through peaceful means that avoid (for the time being) direct physical conflict. In evolutionary terms, the gestures serve as overt warnings that a more damaging and dangerous bout might ensue, but offers a last ‘out’ which is the nonverbal display, before things escalate.

We might see foot jabs against the leg of a chair, against the floor or other object. A fist might be repetitively pound against the table with emphasis, or the classic fist to palm punch with some verbally threatening language such as “I’m going to smash your face in.” When something is being pounded, the object is a substitute for the foe’s face and the punch itself is a form of displacement of emotion and energy. The pounding gesture is a more aggressive form of warning more likely to be done by men, whereas women might show less aggressive and more subtle gestures such as biting, sucking or chewing a lip or the inside of the mouth. As conflict approaches the combatants will begin to size each other up by directly facing each other, the fists will be clenched, breathing rate will increase and the chest will puff out to seem larger and more intimidating. Snarls will come from the faces of men whereas women carry have dirty looks to scold their enemies. Other signals include strong and persistent eye contact, glaring through unblinking eyes, turning red in the face and neck, cracking knuckles and overt stretching.

Keep in mind that these signals are obvious and rarely mistaken for other signals and should be heeded for what they are; an early warning system! Ignore them at your peril!