Tag Archive for Eye Contact

Summary – Chapter 9

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

In this chapter we covered defensive and aggressive body language. We found that double arm hug or arm crossing, partial arm crossing, arm gripping, fists and arm clenching, stiff or curved arms, or even cufflinks can be used to signal defensiveness. We learned that objects are used to shield the insecure by affording fewer angles of attack which is the case when we lean against a wall or bar top, hold a drink near our face or against our chest, or hide behind a podium whilst presenting. We discovered that headphones can be great tools for women who don’t want to be bothered, how pens, books, or newspapers indicate division between people and how conversations can be ended or avoided simply by raising a book. We found that other cues such as head bows, looking up to the side or through the forehead, avoiding eye contact, seeking escape routes with darting eyes, or reduce body size among others, show defensiveness.

On the other hand, we cut through defensiveness to study aggression which can include the in-your-face posture characterized by the hands on hips, feet together at attention, leaning forward with the head and chin up or out and exposed. We also saw that an aggressive person might get red in the face, cross or drop their arms to the side and clench their fists, finger point, become tense overall, clamp their jaw, tighten their lips, frown and lower their eyebrows. We learned that a stare lasting ten seconds or longer invokes anxiety and discomfort in subordinates in the ‘unblinking eyes’, and that overstepping boundaries can lead to conflict.

The Unblinking Eyes

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Scary!

Scary!

Research shows us that a steady stare of more than ten seconds creates anxiety and discomfort especially in subordinates. When done on more dominant individuals it can lead to feelings of aggression and in extreme cases, even physical altercations.

Holding eye contact for slightly longer than normal can send a powerful message. When looking at strangers, it’s a common courtesy to look away when the eyes meet, at least after a few milliseconds have elapsed. Staring is only permitted while looking at inanimate objects (and celebrities). By holding an extended or even unblinking gaze toward strangers, we are telling them that we think of them no more important than objects, a phenomenon celebrities know only too well. Naturally, eye contact and staring means one thing to men, and something else entirely to women. When the sexes stare at each other, it’s usually due to competitiveness or envy, as in, sizing up the competition and other times out of pure curiousity. When the sexes stare at each other, it’s usually driven by sexual interest, however, women are far less prone to staring in any case.

We covered proper eye gaze patterns in an earlier chapter and saw that the intimate gaze happens when the eyes travel around the face and body of someone we care about. Staring, on the other hand, is unmoving. The eyes are piercing and intense, unblinking, and seem to want to penetrate the eyes of another. An aggressive stare is even more intense and happens by narrowing the eyelids creating a deep focus. Second to the unblinking eyes is the “slow blink”. This one can be imagined, but must really be seen to understand its true intensity. While a slow blink done with a tilt of the head can appear alluring when done by an attractive woman, it does nothing to arouse positive emotions when done head on. The slow blink is intensified by tilted the head forward revealing the crown, and especially intense when the head is tilted backwards while looking down at an opponent “through” the bridge of the nose. The final cue in the slow blink cue cluster is pursed lips and the cue cluster, as a whole, signals disapproval and contempt.

You’ve probably never made conscious the universal “stare test” but it goes something like this. First you use proper eye language cast around a busy room, perhaps a grocery store, horizontally focusing on whatever is of interest. By accident, you make eye contact with someone and to show that you are no threat, you quickly shift your eyes to the left or right and continue a normal eye pattern. If no “eye flash” happens, as we saw earlier, we understand them to be a stranger. To make sure you haven’t been targeted by eye assault, you return your gaze after a few moments to see if that person is still fixated on you. If they are, you drop eye contact again, but then quickly look back. If eye contact is met again, this will set you on alert, and so you begin a very minor fight or flight response by keeping your distance. At a subconscious level you have identified a possibly dangerous individual.

This isn't going well - she looks right through him.

This isn’t going well – she looks right through him.

We call the appropriate eye contact that doesn’t violate someone’s privacy the “moral looking time.” This is the length of time gaze is permitted before creating anxiety through offensiveness and in strangers is usually only one or two seconds. To be sure that you aren’t still being assaulted by someone else you will usually repeatedly look in the direction of the person who caught your eyes several times, and at random intervals. This is because we all subconsciously realize that the other person is measuring the same threat in us, as we are in them. If their eyes are continuously met with yours, you will show aggressive or “rude” facial expressions as a warning to cease eye contact. Women do this type of expression best and we call them “dirty looks.” They are meant to indicate a desire to be left alone, and that conversation and approaching is not welcome. Other times, women will know that staring is taking place but will purposely avoid eye contact. Just because a dirty look hasn’t been given, does not mean she hasn’t noticed, and does not mean that staring is welcomed. When eye contact is avoided, and gaze pattern rules aren’t properly engaged, the intent of this message is the same, give women space and don’t stare!

Cues To Indicate Defense

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She protects her mid-section with a fig leaf posture.

She protects her mid-section with a fig leaf posture.

When children get scolded by parents they adopt very specific postures. They will bow their head, avoid eye contact by looking up or to the side, and will hunch over making their bodies seem even smaller. Reducing body size is a mechanism that turns off the aggression emotion in the mind of a potential aggressor. As adults, we will adopt similar postures in addition to covering those areas we feel are most likely to be attacked or are the most vulnerable. Our heads will come back and away if aggression is strong, effectively putting distance between us and our attacker. We may also drop our chins to protect us from a blow that might knock us out cold.

Fear or uncertainty which roughly falls into a defensive strategy was covered previously and happens by crossing one ankle around the other. A variation on this is a clenched fist or tightly gripping the arms of a chair which can indicate aggression and restraint. If we feel that an attack is imminent our bodies may become tense or “wired” in effort to become ready to withstand an attack, or mount a counter attack if necessary. We may also collapse downward to cover our throats if we think a swing is nearing and when an attack commences, we cover our face and cower. If we think we can win or when escape is impossible, we draw our fists up and usually swing randomly. Our knees will also come together to protect our groin and our arms brought inward to the center of our body to protect other vital areas. The eyes might also be flicked from side to side in effort to locate possible escape routes.

How To Use Barriers To Your Advantage

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Objects can be erected to deflect emotional attacks.

Objects can be erected to deflect emotional attacks.

My wife frequently uses headphones in public places to avoid talking to strangers even if she isn’t playing music into them. If strangers come up to her, she points to her headphones as if to say that she can’t hear them. If she was really interested in a conversation, or minding other people’s business, she could remove them, but her point is that she isn’t. Headphones are therefore a strong message of introversion of which we wish not to be bothered. If a person strongly insists on interacting with her, she takes a long time to remove her headphones and accompanies it with irritated body language. She might even only partially listen to the person who has infringed on her privacy, although this is an advanced technique, before placing the headphones back on.

Now you might think that she’s being rude, but this is far from the case. She, like you, and everyone else, has the right to refuse to speak to whomever we please. We each owe no service to anyone else, especially interactions that were not mutually invited. Lack of eye contact in this case is a big factor in the right to refuse to interact. Dark eye glasses can close people out even more successfully, because it avoids accidental eye contact. Eye glasses make conversations shorter and less productive than one’s that occur when the eyes are exposed. Obviously, if we wish to welcome and continue a conversation or increase its effectiveness, we should promptly remove our sunglasses, even in really sunny conditions, so we might benefit from mutual gaze. When your counterpart wears glasses too, you might however, both agree to keep them on.

Barriers for negatively reasons are most common, but as in the peek-a-boo game that is played by men and women, objects can be used to tease and arouse in courtship. This is the case with “eye hiding”, which happens when a drinking glass, menu, or even people moving about a room temporarily put out of vision our object of affection. It can also happen by slightly turning away, or lowering the eyes coyly. Dropping the eyes out of sight or looking over the shoulder when done by women is particularly seductive. The loss of sight sends us into spells of worry, but when they suddenly reappear it sends our hearts races with relief. Small babies especially enjoy this game, sending them into giggle fits, and adults play along happily. When adults play the game with each other, it is only slightly more sophistication.

How one holds their arms while seated at a table can tell us the degree of acceptance or defensiveness they have toward us or our views. For example, having the arms apart indicates general agreement, having both arms parallel but uncrossed shows partial agreement, and having the arms folded on the table indicates disagreement. In this case, arms are being used as barriers. We have covered ways to break barriers and open those who show closed body language earlier. To reiterate though, we concluded that while it’s possible to open someone by offering them objects such as a drink or reading material to uncross their arms, it is usually best to openly address their concerns.

Improper use of barriers happen to all of us, because we aren’t totally aware or continuously conscious of their hidden meaning. Take a social gathering for example, where nearly everyone will have drinks and snacks on hand. How do we hold them while we stand, what about while we sit? While standing, more times than not, our arms are cocked at ninety degrees keeping our arm parallel to the floor to keep our drink upright preventing it from spilling. Unfortunately, this sends a bad message because it is a partially closed body position since it creates a barrier that isolates our bodies from others. While drinking alcohol can make people more social, having to hold the drink at the chest impedes our ability to use our hands properly and expressively. If you absolutely must drink or you think it is required to fit in with the crowed, then try holding your glass to your side so that you don’t block off the center-line of your body. If a table or bar top is nearby, use it to store your drink and so free your hands to gesture with palms up. While sitting at a table, feel free to put your drink to your flank so that you aren’t talking over it, and your arm, the entire evening. For a lot of people, drinks are crutches, something to hold on to, and as described earlier, are a form of security blanket. If you think you’re ready to “grow up”, try standing free form instead of toting your drink around at your chest. It’s not as easy as it sounds!

Objects as small as pens, but as large as books or newspapers, can be used to indicate division between people and create space between them. Just like the beverage example however, using the pen to write on a piece of paper by crossing the center-line of the body effectively closes it off. If no object is present at all, the barrier can still be formed by leaning on the table with both forearms and putting weight on them. This anchors and locks the barrier into the table. Although it is a closed message, it can be diminished to a degree by leaning forward toward your company. Holding the pen out and away from the body shows the opposite message. It is an indication that someone wishes to “extend” or offer an idea to them, and they wish their idea would cross the center-line of the table and enter into the other person’s ideology. The same sort of casual invasion of space, showing a desire to become connected, happens anytime the center-line cut evenly between two people, is breached. This can happen with reading material or business documents, hands in gesture, hands to touch, the sharing of food and of course love letters.

Conversations in busy places can be shut off completely just by raising a book and beginning to read. Sometimes this isn’t enough, so emphasis needs to be placed on it. We do this by peering rudely over them with an off-putting face and then slowly raising the reading material again. Obviously, this message is only rarely missed or ignored.

If you are the subject of unwanted blocking then begin by reviewing the pattern of communications that has lead to this result. Have you come on too strong? Were your ideas overly political or religious? Have you been too expressive or aggressive? Whatever the case, your best bet is to back-off and use relaxed body language to diffuse whatever anger you might have created. Ease the tension by taking a break and allowing your partner to have some emotional downtime. Try to devise a way to regain common ground, even if it means changing the subject or leaving it entirely to start fresh another day. Whatever you do, don’t bother trying to push your ideas forth too strongly, as they will simply be met with increased resistance. Finally, not everyone who uses barriers do so because they dislike other’s based on personal grounds, rather some just require more space and privacy, even in public.

The Dominant Control Their Faces

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

Extremely dominant individuals will smile far less then subordinate people because their disposition requires them to do so. They don’t want to appear emotional, because emotions stem from feelings and dominant people have none! Of course this isn’t entirely true, they do show emotions, but the emotions they do disclose via facial expressions are limited and usually meant to show that they are reserved and in control.
Dominant people will use disapproving frowns, snarls or pursed lips. They might squint while in conversation, or avoid eye contact altogether, or even hold prolonged unblinking eye contact. Dominant people can also hold a blink for longer periods of time as if to temporarily shut the world out. To disarm this “extended blinker” try moving one step to the side while they are in mid blink. It is sure to freak them out!

To summarize, being social isn’t a huge priority to a dominant person, they are more concerned with maintain control of others around them instead of trying to make friends or maintain strong emotional bonds. Dominant people figure that whatever socialization is will find them so they won’t go looking for it. Obviously, in business and in life certain characteristics held by dominant people are important, but extremities in any facet is nearly always counterproductive. Showing confidence by holding eye contact is important, but maintaining too much eye contact such as what an extremely dominant person might do, such that it sends shivers down the spine, sends the reverse message. It can negate the existence of others as people, turning them into objects, and seem to cut through them.

Ways of responding to dominance is by using more open body language to disarm them. Cutting through their rigidity with jokes and light hearted humour is another great way to put them into a good mood and break their serious attitude. When trying to break dominant people it is important to avoid submitting from the start, instead try to build an equal footing to foster their respect. You can try to out-stare them by looking at the bridge of their nose instead of their eyes, which can really unsettle them. However, fighting fire with fire in this manner is risky, at best, and requires one to put on a possibly uncomfortable show. The safest alternative is to just ignore their negativity and play yourself up as even more friendly trying to find common interests to help build rapport.
Breaking down touch barriers can also help, but again, this is risky. Touching breaks shields down and the most dominant of people will be taken aback unless the touching is warranted and tactfully executed. When you touch a dog, be prepared for the bark!

Avoiding The Eyes

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Avoiding eye contact is usually bad news.

Avoiding eye contact is usually bad news.

The eyes can also signal that someone is closed-off. We turn our heads when we wish to avoid being singled out in a lecture hall or boardroom meeting. To represent a closed attitude we might pull our chins in and tuck our heads down. In theory this is to protect our vulnerable necks from attack so it also indicates and fearful state. When we wish to scold children we make sure they give us full eye contact in order to measures their reaction and to ensure they’ve given us their undivided attention. This trait is culturally specific however, as some parents require that children avoid eye contact precisely for the same reason other parents require it; to show respect for authority.

That being said, a lack of direct eye contact during a conversation is not always to be taken as a negative cue or rejection. Research has shown that concentrating on faces takes a lot of effort so we look away in order to properly analyze what is being said. Looking away is also a signal that we are comfortable with our company because we can safely look away with no risk of being attacked. In other words, looking away shows that we trust those around us. As such, looking away is a “comfort display.” The distinction between rude eye avoidance and a comfort display should be obvious. For example, dropping the eyes in order to focus on picking the dirt from beneath the nails to “preen”, removing lint from clothing while avoiding a topic, or glazing over expressionless in boredom is not the same as looking away during a conversation to focus more deeply.

While this type of eye avoidance is normal and acceptable in casual situations, do avoid it during job interviews as potential employers have noted they prefer candidates to focus on them rather than casting their gaze all over their office as if they own it. In a subordinate dominant situation freely moving eyes leave bad impressions and make potential employees appear disinterested which turn interviewers off.

Summary – Chapter 5

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It was all about the eyes in this chapter. We covered the friendly gaze where the eyes travel in a triangular pattern from eye to eye then to the mouth, the intimate gaze where the vast majority of time is spend looking at the eyes and mouth and the business gaze where eighty to ninety percent of the time is spent with direct eye contact and where the eyes never go below the neckline.

Next we covered how certain eye contact can be threatening, how to put your best side forward and how to avoid an attack by switching off the attack response. When looked at pupillometrics, or the study of pupil size in relation to emotion and we saw that larger pupils both signal attractiveness and interest. Having covered the basics it was time to put eye language into practice with the room encompassing glance, a clear signal of female interest, how blink rate can signal stress, an extended blink can be offputting and how the double wink can be sexy. Eye blocking was emphasized as a negative cue done to avoid harmful images or thoughts, and hit on eye flashes, eye widening and flashbulb eyes all carrying their own unique nonverbal message.

We found that by tilting the head at forty five degrees and looking upwards women can display the come-hither look invoking feelings of protectiveness in men. We also found that eye size was related to attractiveness and this was measured through research. Next we looked at shifty eyes and how they can predict stress, but not necessarily lying per se, looking askance to send “the look”, stealing looks and what it means, and how to properly address an audience through eye contact. NLP, we saw, refers to neuro-linguistic programming which is a system developed to induce behavioural changes and improve communication and derives its value by reaching for defined positive outcomes through identifying the roots by which thoughts affect images and sound or feelings. We then learned that NLP can help us predict things. For example, we saw that for most right-handed people, eye movement up and to the left is a signal of accessing a visual memory, movement up and right means that a person is trying to construct a visual image. Eyes either right or left, but still level, indicate an auditory process such as remembering sounds and words. Down and left indicate internal dialogue or self talk and down and right indicate a tactile or visceral feeling. When the eyes are straight ahead, unfocused or dilated they signal visual or any sensory information.

We also learned that there are three main ways in which people learn new information; auditory (spoken words) twenty five percent, kinesthetic (touch) forty percent and visual (images) thirty five percent. We also saw that eye direction has meaning where eyes focused straight ahead means passive receiving of information and eyes down means emotionally concentrating. From there we hit on appropriate eye contact during an interview and while communicating, the eyebrow and eye flash and what they mean and how they can be used.

Eyebrow Flash – The Social Greeting

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They eyebrow flash has been studied for decades most notably by German behavioural research scientist Eibl-Eibesfeldt. He found that the eyebrow flash is a universally recognized long distance social greeting. The only exception is in Japan where it is considered an overt sexual invitation and therefore inappropriate. For everyone else the eyebrow flash in a sort of nonverbal “Hello” or “Hey there, I know you”. The eyebrow flash happens very briefly and lasts only about one-sixth of a second. It is a quick raising and lowering of the eyebrows. The flash normally happens over a distance of between six to twelve feet by which dialogue can not easily occur, but of which, signals to another party that you have recognized them. The video of Fergie and Prince Andrew’s wedding provides a real life example of the eyebrow flash as she makes her way down the aisle.

The eyebrow flash could be a response to surprise, as if saying “Hey, I noticed you and am surprised, but also fearful because I’ve been taken off guard.” Therefore, the eyebrow flash sends the message that you aren’t a threat, since you’ve been taken by surprise. Another theory advanced says that the eyebrow flash draws attention to the face so that less ambiguous signals can be exchanged.

Research shows us that eyebrow flashes are infrequently used between individuals who are enduring strained relationships, so this can be used as a test. If you aren’t sure, try an eyebrow flashing on a colleague you’ve recently had a fight with. If the signal elicits a flash back then you have been forgiven, but if the flash is denied or you instead receive a dirty look then your transgressions are still at the forefront of their mind.

Eye contact between those in strained relationships is rigorously avoided under most circumstances, most likely so there is a reduced probability that the greeting extends to further unwanted interaction. We can therefore look at the eyebrow flash as a nonverbal conversation starter and lack thereof as a conversation avoider.

Eye Contact During A Job Interview

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Eye contact during an interview has been repeatedly found to have a powerful influence on the interviewer. Interviewees who hold good eye contact tend to receive more favourable hiring decisions, to be rated more positively and to be rated more suitable for jobs requiring self confidence.

The most appropriate types of eye contact in an interview have been shown through research to be about two to three second bursts of eye contact followed by looking away. Looking down continuously or avoiding eye contact altogether, or conversely, holding extended eye contact can all result in poor judgment. Continuous shifting of the eyes around the room can come off as dishonest and can make people think that you are expecting to be bust at anytime. For what, the interviewee doesn’t know, but he will remain suspicious nonetheless. Looking toward the door or appearing distracted by what is going on outside a window will only serve to demonstrate your lack of interest in the job position and negative feelings will be attached to you personally. Poor eye contact might also be taken by the interviewer personally and he may become offended. As interviewees, we must pay particular attention to good eye contact while listening and while speaking. Most of us are good at one, but not both, but being aware of our shortcomings is at least a good first step. So don’t dismiss good eye language in an interview and follow the patterns described above: two to three second bursts of eye contact followed by looking away.

Eye Contact In Business

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This isn't going well - she looks right through him.

This isn’t going well – she looks right through him.

Eye language is important in business as it can often be more indicative of intent then other body language. It can also significantly improve the chances of a sale at best, and at worst, can simply help convey better meaning and understanding. The most effective use of eye contact is in fleeting glances, which at first might seem counter-intuitive. However, prolonged eye contact can be seen as rude, untrustworthy, threatening or even aggressive. When seen in a client, it can mean that a sale is being resisted, where he or she is “staring” you down trying to find flaws in your sales pitch. Poor eye contact or prolonged periods of looking away can mean the reverse; indifference or outright disinterest. This is why brief glances followed by looking away, or at the material at hand, is most appropriate in a sale, and when done by a client, the best indication that a sales call is being well received.

The way eyes are positioned can give us indications of what a person is thinking. Generally, a person is passively receiving information if they are simply looking straight ahead and when conscientiously processing the information clients will look upward.

Here is a break-down for the complete set of eye movement patterns and what they mean as they relate to business:

1. Eyes focused straight ahead – passive receiving of information
2. Prolonged eye contact – threat and aggression or disinterest in sales pitch
3. Eyes to the right – message is being considered
4. Eyes to the left – person is relating to a past experience.
5. Eyes down – emotional concentration from an emotional thinker.
6. Extended looks away – desire to withdraw or vacate.
7. Eyes at ceiling – conscious analyzing.

By being aware of the manner in which the eyes focus, one can gauge the success or failure of the meeting, so as to either, remedy the pitch in the future or rework the meeting on the fly.