Tag Archive for Disagreement

Other Evaluative Gestures

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To conclude this chapter, there are some other subtle gestures that tell us that someone is thinking or evaluating a decision which includes stroking the side of the nose, flared nostrils, pinching the bridge of the nose, looking upwards and looking around the room. These gestures all show us that a person is trying to come up with the best course of action, or to come to a satisfactory decision. Some evaluative gestures also have confusing meanings, for example, looking up might mean that someone is bored or in disbelief – a form of evaluation. When looking up refers to disbelief the person is ‘sending a prayer to God’ or saying “I can’t believe what I’m hearing”. Flared nostrils might also be an evaluative gesture as well because it reveals an internal judgment but it can also indicate agitated or aggression. In the same general ballpark, one might turn their nose sideways by twitching the muscles slightly revealing dislike or disbelief. This last gesture likely has origins in avoiding a particularly bad odor.

These last clues should always be taken in context and be paired with other evaluative cues in clusters, of which have been discussed in this chapter. Many times, evaluative body language shows reserved disagreement, which gives us time to prepare a better case or prepare for a less desirable outcome, such that we aren’t taken by surprise.

Some evaluative gestures:

Nose twitching.

Nose twitching.

Pinching the bridge of the nose.

Pinching the bridge of the nose.

Introduction – Chapter 9

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I think she has choice words for you.

I think she has choice words for you.

In this chapter we will cover defensive and aggressive body language. By examining them together we can link them in our minds, yet keep them distinctive since they are near opposites. We use defensive body language to figuratively protect ourselves against aggression, which isn’t always physical either. In fact, the vast majority of the body language we will see, and appropriately label defensive, is that which stems from emotional roots. After all, our evolution selected defensive body language came about under primarily physical circumstances. Being yelled at, or scolded by a superior or rival, is similar in a visceral sense to physical abuse. Any emotionally abused victim will tell you that the suffering they experienced, is equally, if not more sever than that experienced by those physically abused. In most cases threats in our daily lives come in much milder forms, such as high pressure sales, a heated discussion, or a disagreement.

Defensive body language is a set of postures that make the body feel protected, secure and comfortable in awkward situations. Defensive body language is also similar to submissive body language in that the postures are aimed at protecting vulnerable parts of our bodies, or in size reduction turning our bodies into smaller targets.

Aggressive body language is nearly the mirror opposite. Here the body prepares for a real or figurative attack as it becomes loose or tenses up and tries to appear larger and more threatening. Aggressive body language can happen by clenching the fists, finger pointing or flared nostrils more technically termed “nasal wing dilation”, and much more as we will see. Aggressive body language is simple to read and classify because we instinctively find them to be a salient part of our lives. In fact, it is hard to go through life without properly identifying aggressive body language. By missing cues to aggression, even just once, it leads to disastrous conclusions which we naturally learn in short order how to avoid. Defensive body language, on the other hand, because it is less of a threat, can easily be mistaken for regular actions in a persons repertoire and be ignored. This is why we cover defensive body language in much greater detail.

This chapter will cover defensive body language such as the double arm hug, partial arm cross, arm gripping, fist clenching, the use of “security blankets” for comfort, using stiff arms, how barriers are used to reduce angles of attack, how barriers like books and headphones can be used to our advantage, in addition to others. We will then cover aggressive body language and signals of aggression such as the unblinking eyes and personal space invaders.

Head Nod And Bobble

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The head nod in western cultures says agreement. In other cultures such as in Bulgaria and Sri Lanka it means disagreement, although from studies of the deaf and blind, it is apparent that this gesture is also innate. The nod used as a greeting, performed as a quick drop of the head, may stem from an abbreviated head bow. As we learned, lowering the body signifies a submissive posture, and so too does agreement. In Japan the head nod usually signals to the speaker that they are being heard and doesn’t necessarily indicate agreement. Thus, head nods are particularly specific to cultures so caution is important.

The head bobble, which is a side to side motion across an arc also means different things to different cultures. For example, in East Slavic it means disapproval and in India it means “okay”. In Bulgaria, India and Pakistan the head bobble means “yes.” Other gestures by the head can include the chin point, in the West, which is a slick way of pointing out other girls to your buddy without getting caught. Sometimes the chin point is used as a greeting between friends as an informal acknowledgement of each other’s presence. In Greece, Turkey and Arabic-speaking countries pulling the head back in a jerking motion signals “no” but in Ethiopia it actually means “yes.”

Summary – Chapter 7

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In this chapter we looked at how open body positions indicate an open or closed mind. Specifically, we saw that that by having arms and legs that cross the midpoint of the body we indicate a closed mind, negative attitude or disposition, and conversely, that open postures indicate an open mind. This is evident most often through what is called “ventral displays” where the chest and front is exposed. We saw that the hands can convey honesty by showing that “no weapon is present”, that rubbing the hands is figuratively a preparation to receive something (or that we’re cold), and that sudden changes in the hands has real meaning, that pointing is rude and as if throwing a spear, but can and are blocked, by arm crossing which works as a shield.

Next, we examined techniques to open people when they show closed body positions in an attempt to close the “closed”, the meaning of leg crossing and how spreading means dominance, and how the ankle cross indicates a negative, but hidden emotion. The figure-four-leg-position, we found, happens by pulling one leg over the other knee and represents disagreement, the fig leaf is a shameful posture since it hides the genitals from view, and parallel legs which happens by pressed one leg against the other making the legs appear sexier and more youthful. Next we looked at pigeons toes or “tibial torsion”, a submissive body posture indicating meekness, then how the legs tell where the mind thinks through pointing and the four main ways a person might stand; straight up and feet together (attentive), feet apart (a crotch display), one foot forward (shows direction of interest) and legs crossed at the ankle (a submissive posture). We then examined the progression from closed to open as a sequence when meeting new people or being in novel situations, how eye aversion or avoidance can indicate a lack of receptiveness, that the fetal position can be abbreviated by simply pulling limbs to the center of the body and finally how openness is related to status.

Figure Four And Figure Four Hand Lock

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The figure four.

The figure four.

This body position occurs as one leg is bent, oriented horizontally and pulled over the opposite knee, to form the number four. Hence the name, the figure four leg cross. It is more or less an open posture and should be taken as a mild version of the crotch display which we saw in the section on leg spreading. This posture is milder because it doesn’t fully expose the crotch because the crossed leg partially blocks the genitals from view. This again, is another one of the cues that where it’s useful to picture our targets as being nude. In essence this is the gentleman’s version of the crotch display. Women aren’t normally seen in this posture, but since pants have become more popular, it does tend to happen more often lately, than it has in the recent past. The figure four tells us that a person is relaxed, youthful (mature gentleman are seen with a full leg cross where the legs end up parallel to one another) and dominant.

The 'figure four leg' lock - note the leg forms the 4 shape with hands locking it in.

The ‘figure four leg’ lock – note the leg forms the 4 shape with hands locking it in.

The figure four seating position can be close off entirely by placing each hand on the shine so as to lock the leg in place. This posture indicates that someone is extremely stubborn and most likely apt to reject opinions of others. The person is also highly opinionated in most every way and may lead you into disagreement at every turn. The figure four hand lock is stronger as a signal if it is accompanied by negative facial expressions, scowls, or frowns. If selling an idea or product, it might be best to drop the pitch altogether and seek more agreeable company unless you are comfortable using extreme tact or are skilled at building relationships quickly.

The Meaning Behind Arm Crossing

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Depending on the context, arm crossing might mean someone is physically cold - or emotionally cold.

Depending on the context, arm crossing might mean someone is physically cold – or emotionally cold.

Arms in the non-verbal world are shields. Folding the arms across the body is like cutting off access to our core that houses our vital organs, our heart and lungs. Just like putting up a shield, the arms protect us, not only from physical attack which can elicit closed body language, but it also protects us from unwanted outside views which we do not agree with. Therefore, having the arms across the chest can mean that either a physical threat or emotional threat is present. Arms crossed, in meeting or conversation means that the person is defensive, negative, uncertain and insecure and naturally, what is being asked of them will be met with disagreement.

An abbreviated arm cross where the hand seems to perform a necessary task. In reality, this person feels uncomfortable and is shielding themselves.

An abbreviated arm cross where the hand seems to perform a necessary task. In reality, this person feels uncomfortable and is shielding themselves.

Arm crossing happens much more frequently in public than anywhere else. We especially see it in elevators, when exposed to a large group that makes us uncomfortable or when pitched a bad deal from a door-to-door salesman. When in public, arm crossing is due to the stress of being in a novel environment rather than due to holding negative thoughts per se. Women who are unreceptive to a pick-up at a bar or club will also be found holding this posture so as to maintain their personal space and thwart sexual advances.

As you read body language, you will eventually come across someone that tries to convince you that their closed language is a function of comfort, as in it just feels right, rather than as a tell to some underlying stress. However, arm crossing is one of the gestures that proves the body language rule rather than disproves it. The research makes it clear though, that we adopt positions because there is an underlying emotion attached to it and that this is the reason which makes the position comfortable and rather than the other way around. Body language feels right when we express underlying feelings because it provides us with a release. Conversely, if we wish to avoid closed body postures, or any bad postures for that matter, we must first attack and cure the root source of the emotion and then open posture will come naturally.

Arm crossing takes up various forms too besides the recognizable full arm cross. The more evident and strong the arm crossing, the more seeded the action is in the mind of the person executing it. As body language senders we should always try to hold opened and honest body language as a default condition as it will yield the best results under most circumstances.

Here are some examples:

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BodyLanguageProjectCom - Body Raising Or Elevation 3

A hidden arm cross showing disagreement and withdrawal.

A masked arm cross.

A masked arm cross.

[ONE] Resting one arm straight out onto the table to the front and placing the opposite hand on the wrist or forearm of the other [images show other variations of this posture].

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The coffee cup barrier - even drinks can fudge as a shield. To look open with a drink, simply drop the drink to your side or set it down to leave your body open.

The coffee cup barrier – even drinks can fudge as a shield. To appear open, simply drop the drink to your side or set it down.

[TWO] Holding a drink in one hand with the arm perpendicular to the body (parallel to the table) with or without applying weight to the arm [image shows other variation of this posture].

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The 'figure four leg' lock - note the leg forms the 4 shape with hands locking it in.

The ‘figure four leg’ lock – note the leg forms the 4 shape with hands locking it in.

Figure four leg lock.

Figure four leg lock.

[THREE] Crossing one leg over the knee of the other and holding the ankle to lock it in.

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A childhood throwback - making us feel held and protected.

A childhood throwback – making us feel held and protected.

It looks like the conversation is going well, but the arms are being gripped showing negative thoughts.

It looks like the conversation is going well, but the arms are being gripped showing negative thoughts.

[FOUR] Full self embrace where the arms are unlocked.

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A partial arm cross.

A partial arm cross.

BodyLanguageProjectCom - Incomplete Arm Crossing Or Incomplete Crossed Arms 3

Replicating Mom holding our arm and protecting us.

BodyLanguageProjectCom - Incomplete Arm Crossing Or Incomplete Crossed Arms 1

Another version of an arm cross for defense.

BodyLanguageProjectCom - Crossing 3

Cutting off ventral access is a closed body position.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[FIVE] The opposite hand reaches over the body to grab the elbow or shoulder of the opposite arm.

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Covert insecurity.

Covert insecurity.

BodyLanguageProjectCom - Incomplete Arm Crossing Or Incomplete Crossed Arms 4

It reminds us of Mom keeping us safe.

[SIX] Subtle arm crossing where the hand grabs the wrist of the opposite side.

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The arm crosses and seems to serve a supportive role.

The arm crosses and seems to serve a supportive role.

[SEVEN] The arm crosses and seems to serve a supportive role.

 

 

 

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Hand seems to alleviate an itch.

Hand seems to alleviate an itch.

[EIGHT] Hand seems to alleviate an itch.

 

 

 

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Good things are not on the horizon.

Good things are not on the horizon.

While most closed body language means that a negative attitude is present, context permitting, there exist varying degrees. For example, full arm crossing accompanied by expressionless faces, a tense, rigid, or hostile posture with limbs that appear frozen runs the gambit of rejection. Tentative closed body language where only some blocking is happening will show a semi-relaxed body language, possible boredom, a neutral face and moderate movement of the arms and hands. In the first case, where closed language is extreme, getting any kind of agreement is unlikely. The second set of postures says that there’s a possibility of forming an agreement. So rather than depicting “no”, some closed body language says “Maybe” or “I’ll think about it.”

The head titled at 45 degrees says that there's a chance to close this deal.

The head titled at 45 degrees says that there’s a chance to close this deal.

Opened and closed body language as we have seen is a matter of degree. Language that has no closed body positions says “yes” some closed means “maybe” and a lot means “no.” This is highly useful especially if you wish to sway a target. Men who wish to proposition women can read between the lines. If they see a half arm cross where one arm holds the elbow of the other, then he may still have a shot as she could just be timid. In this case, she is telling you that she is uneasy with your approach but might accept your proposal if you can present a better pitch. Because her mind isn’t completely made up it would be worthwhile to continue. But if she has a hostile expression, with arms tightly folded across her chest, with her head cocked to the side she probably isn’t willing to hear your pitch, so it would be a waste of time to continue. Reading negative body language can help us read employers as we look for pay raise, better deals on a watch or jewelry, getting permission from those in authority and generally gaining access to resources we ordinarily wouldn’t.

Be careful with the pressure you apply. You may be able to get a better deal from a used car salesmen, but when dealing with employees, an employer or a client, it’s probably best to keep body language open and inviting.

Sudden Changes In The Hands

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Hands that near another person shows agreement.

Hands that near another person shows agreement.

Hands can show real-time changes in an attitude. Imagine a couple sitting enjoying a romantic meal at a restaurant, with their hands bridging the gap between them as they sit facing one another hand-in-hand. The topic of conversation flows freely, but suddenly switches to a contentious issue, what would you imagine would happen to their hands? When there is disagreement between people, the hands are pulling inward and away from those we disagree with. This sort of behaviour can happen suddenly especially on a heated topic, but can also happen over time on issues that gradually show differences. When total disagreement is present, the body will even be withdrawn where the hands will rest on the lap. Taking the example of the couple above once again, imagine that only one of the two experiences a change in thought to the topic, their hands might remain outstretched in the center of the table and turn palm up as if to offer the idea to their partner as if to try to change their mind. Gradually the other might re-advance to join their hands once again or move them to their lap. As the argument fails, both parties hands might graduate away. If disagreement continues, feet might orient toward the door followed by torsos than finally their heads.

Arms are withdrawn when disagreement is high. These arms are busy protecting the torso in a single arm closed body posture - an 'incomplete hug.'

Arms are withdrawn when disagreement is high. These arms are busy protecting the torso in a single arm closed body posture – an ‘incomplete hug.’

Arms withdraw for a number of reasons but our subconscious mind tunes into our flight response and pulls hands in when we fear they will be hurt, and especially when they are hurt. When we touch a hot stove or hear a loud bang, our arms draw quickly into our bodies to protect them. This happens instantly with no ability to stop it. Likewise, our hands come in when we are worried or threatened despite a lack of physical threat. When our arms come in, our minds feel that they can block attacks better even when they are emotional in nature. Hands can be withdrawn for any number of reasons, not just disagreement, such as dishonesty. Honest hands are palm up, offering something to another person, or palm down in a confident authoritative position, but when hands are pulled away, they signal hidden thoughts of disagreement and lack of connectivity.

Hands can also suddenly change in terms of use of illustrators and seem to pause, stop or slow in their rate of use. Sudden cessation of gesticulation can indicate a freeze response due to being caught in a lie especially when the context warrants it. This is part of the flight or flight response as liars are trying to seem less noticeable. They are “hiding in plain sight” and to do this it is necessary to move less as movement attracts attention. Reducing expressiveness means fewer “tells” or so the lying mind thinks. When hands that are usually busy while talking according to a baseline, suddenly begin to slow, or become less expressive, it can signal a lack of enthusiasm or confidence for the topic. Whatever happens to the hands, when they suddenly change, we know that something internal has changed and it is usually tied directly to whatever is happening in the moment.

Ventral Displays

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When the chest is turned away, this is called "ventral denial." It says, "I don't like what you're saying."

When the chest is turned away, this is called “ventral denial.” It says, “I don’t like what you’re saying.”

Torsos house important organs that are vital to keeping us alive. Our heart, lungs, liver, intestines and so forth are all easily accessible through a thin layer of skin, fat, muscle and sometimes ribs and a sternum although even these have spaces by which damage may be inflicted. Exposing our ventral side means that we trust we won’t be attacked. Laying on our backs is something we do only in our own houses because it exposes our bodies to attack and paralyzes us from defending ourselves.

Women, in the wrong company will feel particularly sensitive about exposing their breasts and both sexes will avoid displaying their genitals when nervous or timid. This is where arm and leg crossing is prevalent creating shields so as to reduce threatening exposure. Other times, bodies may turn away from people with whom we lack trust, or we may distance our torsos to give us a time and space buffer so that if a threat should be advanced, we have enough of a cushion to escape.

His ventral display says that he's ready to leave.

His ventral display says that he’s ready to leave.

When in conversation people will orient their ventral side to those they trust the most and away from those they trust least. They’ll also favour those with whom they agree with most and away from people they disagree with or have contempt for. People can be seen changing their orientation more and more over the course of a conversation as ideas diverge. In dating, as women are turned off by an approach they will first shift their feet toward the exit, followed by the torso. If they wish to remain polite so as not to offend, they might keep their faces oriented toward their solicitor, yet the rest of their body, the important parts, will face away. Even slight disagreement can produce ventral shifts as bodies orient away from the speaker based on topics of lessor interest or topics we wish not do discuss.

Ventral distancing.

Ventral distancing shows a lack of commonality.

Ventral distancing is also a nonverbal cue that indicates agreement. When people don’t like what they are hearing, they will slouch or lean backward to indicate that they aren’t seeing eye-to-eye on matters. On the other hand, when people agree, they will move toward each other to shrink the distance. When presenting a lecture, it’s easy to measure audience interest because those most keen will be sitting “at the edge of their seat” hanging onto every word. The bored or disinterested will be slouching or sitting low in their seats perhaps awkwardly to one side as if ready to take flight.

When we are reunited with loved ones we take part in hugs which is intimate precisely because the torsos are sandwiched together. We even move our arms away from our fronts so that we can get even closer. Children love to receive “raspberries” where air is blown onto their stomachs and will permit it because they trust their parents or family members. However, even with children they’ll “turn their backs on us” when they are upset with us as we enforce rules. This is a nonverbal way to show disagreement. Lovers in deep conversations will move closer to each other and face head on indicating a trust and showing no desire to leave or exit the situation which might happen by turning the torso away. Orienting the torso forward says that this is the direction in which someone is thinking about moving and when lovers do this, it means they wish to move into one another; to kiss. In a business context, people who agree with turn their bodies so they more closely face each other, even while sitting, and away from those whom they disagree with. This is called “ventral fronting” or “ventral denial.”

To use ventral language best, lean forward and drop the arms to the side when you wish to project agreement but when the opposite is desired feel free to side back in a chair or lean back or turn to the side and cross the arms. Making friends with all people is not always desirable especially when someone is malicious and unpopular. Being courteous all the time, to all people is a misuse of proper body language so use the nonverbal language that is most appropriate for the feelings you want to convey.

Put-Down Humour

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Even when we laugh at the expense of others and their misfortunes we create togetherness and solidarity. Putdown humour is any humour that derives amusement at the expense of others. It can be demeaning jokes, teasing, sarcasm or even self-deprecating remarks. While putdowns can be effective to build bonds and friendship there exists certain rules of engagement. For example, a putdown must be within a friendly framework and we must follow certain agreed upon rules. Taking putdown humour too far can be hurtful, and particularly harsh putdowns can be used to elevate ourselves at the target’s expense, or equally, we too we can become victim of putdowns. For example, in a study by Susan Martin in 1978 out of American University it was shown that police officers who use putdown humour against female officers tended to use it because they felt uncomfortable with the notion of having females in a male dominated workplace. However, humour among, say men at a weekly poker night can foster belonging. Overall, men will use putdown humour more often than women and also tend to expect it. Practical jokes work similarly, and sporting teams frequently use pranks to welcome new members.

The real key is to avoid hitting on truisms about a person that can be hurtful. Making fun of someone for being ugly when in fact it is well known that they are confident beauty pageant winner or making fun of a sprinter for being slow, is in good fun, and will be well received. However, poking fun at someone who is rigid or uptight, by including this trait in a joke, it is sure to offend them and while it might have a leveling effect between two people, it serves no unifying characteristics. In fact, the only result likely is to outline key differences between people and help others see this disagreement making everyone involved look bad. Harsh putdowns only serve to disassociate a person from others.

Dr. Terrion of the University of Ottawa who followed a group of police officers through training found that the development of putdowns followed a rough pattern of progression from putting down oneself, to putdowns of shared identities or groups, to putdowns of external groups and finally to putdowns of each other within a group. She also found that officers tended to putdown members of the group that had higher status, and members tended to poke the most fun at others whom they liked most and that using putdowns when members were absent was seen as backstabbing so was frowned upon. One of the cardinal rules of putdown humour, is to only poke fun at people who are present. The study also showed that members that are willing to laugh at themselves tended to be taken into the group more readily. Laughing at oneself shows others that we see ourselves as equals and shows that we can be trusted. Another general putdown rule follows that members that don’t take well to putdowns shouldn’t be targets because it tends to elicit an uncomfortable feeling within the rest of the group.

Putdown humour, when it is framed properly, indicates belongingness and also a desire by others to welcome someone in given that all the rules are properly followed. Conversely, a lack of inclusion into humour, even putdowns, can alienate us just as much as particularly negative humour. The next time someone pokes fun, roll with it and either laugh heartily or joke back, as humour can help break down boundaries and create inclusiveness.

Gazing

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Avoiding eye contact shows disagreement.

Avoiding eye contact shows disagreement.

Eye contact and gaze are some of the most salient nonverbal behaviours in human interaction. It is the first connection a mother has with her infant and the first interaction that infant has with anyone. Through gazing forms a very powerful and special bond between mother and infant. However, even mothers differ in their strength and frequency of gaze with their children. Affectionate mothers will go out of their way to kneel so as to bring their eyes into level, whereas, less affectionate mothers tend to lean forward instead and use gaze much less frequently. These experiences from early development formulate our norms which can persist throughout our lives. Only with conscious effort can we change them, but first we must understand the purpose and function of gaze and also what good gaze habits really are.

Over the course of a typical day, eye gaze can reveal cues to interest, attention, affiliation, intimacy, approval, dominance, aggression and openness to personal involvement. Gaze happens in a much different way than a stare. Stares are like daggers, shooting invisible arrows into the face of another. A gaze is inviting and a display of warmth. A gaze includes the attachment of a positive emotion which men sometimes have difficulty with. Lovers are particularly adept at gazing, with bouts sometimes lasting for several minutes, other times even much longer. As early as six children seem to pick up that eye contact and gaze indicate a connection. Young girls tend to realize it sooner than young boys and women tend to enjoy gaze more than men and so use eye contact and gaze more readily. Additionally, women will hold eye-gaze for longer periods of time than men, which is most evident when women gaze at other women.

Gazing is eye language that can take up various meaning depending on how it is done. The “face-gaze” happens when one person directs their eyes at another person’s face. “Eye-gaze”, on the other hand, happens when the gaze is directed toward the eyes of another but of which that person might not reciprocate. “Mutual-gaze” happens when two people look each other’s faces which might include bouts of eye-gaze and “eye-contact” refers to two people looking directly into each other’s eyes. Other forms of gaze include “omission”, defined as a failure to look at someone without intending to and “avoidance”, in which a person purposely prevents eye contact. Most are familiar with “staring”, but to be sure, we define it as a persistent look that occurs regardless of what another person is doing. Simply defining the types of gazes and eye contact likely evoke some pretty strong feelings which can be positive as in the case of mutual gaze or negative as in the stare. Prolonged eye contact early in a loosely established relationship is almost always taken negatively, or with hostility, and decoded by others as offensive. We may even think prolonged eye contact is a result of projected dislike or even disapproval of others, even when it is the result of affection or attraction. Holding gaze for as little as three seconds longer than normal can come across as over-assertiveness and create contempt. However, because we aren’t always aware of eye contact consciously, others won’t be able to describe the reason for their feelings which is why the use of gaze needs to be taken seriously.