Tag Archive for Cues

Fist And Arms Clenched

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Fist clenching can be subtle and show hidden insecurity and hostility.

Fist clenching can be subtle and show hidden insecurity and hostility.

Holding the fists clenched and holding a full arm cross shows hostility, defensiveness and also readiness to attack. It can also be accompanied by a red face, clenched teeth, lowered eyebrows, a forward thrust of the lips or an angry expression. These accompanying signals show that physical aggression is imminent and likely, and ignoring them can be a huge mistake. Part of the reason we have aggression signals at all is to avoid risky physical confrontations. Our minds are hardwired to avoid possibly deadly or damaging situations. The signals are our way to warn others, or be warned by others, that we are nearing our threshold. All people are capable of lashing out with force if provided with the proper stimulus, any mother will agree.

In business and other context were violence is strictly forbidden we see an abbreviation of the hostile cues listed above. Here we see a more subtly form with the fists clenched tightly and the arms folded across the chest, usually while seated. Other times the dominant hand will make a fist with the other hand clasping the wrist. This is a mental way for the person to figuratively ‘hold themselves back.’ When we lack the right to express ourselves to our satisfaction, we hold back our negativity. Social norms and customs prevent us from expressing our true emotions whenever we desire.

Fist clenching happens very naturally and subconsciously; a slip of the hand so to speak. Women can even be seen doing this while being verbally berated by a partner. President Nixon was videotaped intensely balling his fist such that his knuckles turned white during a press conference called to discuss what was supposed to be a temporary incursion into Cambodia. The rest of his body was confident and his voice was smooth, yet his hands gave his restraint and dishonesty away. Of course, holding a tight fist does not necessarily mean they intent to strike out, rather it shows just the opposite – that their minds are dealing with a dilemma, of which social norms prevent physical resolutions. So very rarely are we allowed to fully express our emotions. In fact, one of the most important lessons we learn early in life is self control and this is exactly what happens when the fist is balled, clenched, but resists striking. We learn very early on that it’s not acceptable to throw fits and tantrums so we do the next best thing – we get very close to striking, but stop at the last second.

Whenever you are privy to clenching body language your first inclination should be to diffusing the situation. You might start by slowing down speech or stopping it altogether to allow the situation to simmer rather than continue boiling. You should then use open body language with palm up gestures to show honesty. Next, add submissive postures, head down, shoulders slumped and a reduction in body size. Your goal is to show that you are not interested in confrontation. You might even consider succeeding to their point of view, even just temporarily to allow them to take a saner headspace. In many cases it will be impossible to recover from this position successfully depending on what level of negativity is present. It’s always best to reduce tension early on before it gets out of control.

Double Arm Hug

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She might be cold, or she might want to feel protected.

She might be cold, or she might want to feel protected.

Hugging one’s self is a defensive and closed body position. Those who take up this posture invariably exclaim that they are cold, which is sometimes the case, but usually the cold sensation is a function of feeling awkward and uptight. When temperature is actually a factor, the arms will cross and the hands will be tucked under the armpits in effort to heat them up. Other times, the arms will hug the body tightly in a full embrace but they will shiver and hold their legs stiff crossing them tightly as if they need to use the washroom. If these cues are not present, and we still see a double arm hug it’s due to feeling uncomfortable and not feeling cold. By watching for all the cues in the cluster it is easy to tell which attitude is really present.

Those that habitually cross their arms are usually not aware that they are sending a bad message to others. However, arm crossing is a universally defensive posture so it is important to be aware of its use. In a business meeting or in a job interview holding the double arm hug posture will be read by others as being disagreeable even if the person really is cold. This effect might pass over if other’s feel the same chill, but when only one person in the room is seen looking uncomfortable, they will sense that something is up, even if just subconsciously. Those that are timid and shy by nature can also get the short end of the stick as others will quickly dismiss them as rude or antisocial.

When someone complains of feeling cold where the room temperature doesn’t warrant it, is a direct response to a limbic brain command that shunts blood from the skin toward the major muscles in preparation for the fight or flight response. The large muscles like the legs and arm need blood in order to prepare for combat and escape. This is largely in effect when people seem to go pale when under extreme stress and why others lose their apatite when under pressure. Again the blood moves away from the intestines toward the major muscles producing a cold sensation on the surface of the skin as blood moves deeper.

Introduction – Chapter 9

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I think she has choice words for you.

I think she has choice words for you.

In this chapter we will cover defensive and aggressive body language. By examining them together we can link them in our minds, yet keep them distinctive since they are near opposites. We use defensive body language to figuratively protect ourselves against aggression, which isn’t always physical either. In fact, the vast majority of the body language we will see, and appropriately label defensive, is that which stems from emotional roots. After all, our evolution selected defensive body language came about under primarily physical circumstances. Being yelled at, or scolded by a superior or rival, is similar in a visceral sense to physical abuse. Any emotionally abused victim will tell you that the suffering they experienced, is equally, if not more sever than that experienced by those physically abused. In most cases threats in our daily lives come in much milder forms, such as high pressure sales, a heated discussion, or a disagreement.

Defensive body language is a set of postures that make the body feel protected, secure and comfortable in awkward situations. Defensive body language is also similar to submissive body language in that the postures are aimed at protecting vulnerable parts of our bodies, or in size reduction turning our bodies into smaller targets.

Aggressive body language is nearly the mirror opposite. Here the body prepares for a real or figurative attack as it becomes loose or tenses up and tries to appear larger and more threatening. Aggressive body language can happen by clenching the fists, finger pointing or flared nostrils more technically termed “nasal wing dilation”, and much more as we will see. Aggressive body language is simple to read and classify because we instinctively find them to be a salient part of our lives. In fact, it is hard to go through life without properly identifying aggressive body language. By missing cues to aggression, even just once, it leads to disastrous conclusions which we naturally learn in short order how to avoid. Defensive body language, on the other hand, because it is less of a threat, can easily be mistaken for regular actions in a persons repertoire and be ignored. This is why we cover defensive body language in much greater detail.

This chapter will cover defensive body language such as the double arm hug, partial arm cross, arm gripping, fist clenching, the use of “security blankets” for comfort, using stiff arms, how barriers are used to reduce angles of attack, how barriers like books and headphones can be used to our advantage, in addition to others. We will then cover aggressive body language and signals of aggression such as the unblinking eyes and personal space invaders.

Summary – Chapter 8

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This chapter was focused on dominant and submissive gestures and how they can be used to reach specific goals depending on the situation. One of those goals was conflict avoidance by reducing body size. We found that melting into the background by “sinking in the chair” or pulling the arms inward, pulling the shoulders down and rounding them, hunching in, pulling the chin in and pulling the legs or knees closer together can help to send a non-threatening signal and calm an attacker. Next we looked at how height relates to dominance and spelled out tactics to put ourselves at an advantage be it by taking up a seated position (to level ourselves) or taking to an elevated stage or position. We saw in this chapter that relaxed body language signals ownership and confidence so we should look for a lack of muscle tension, freely moving hands, feet and torso, along with open body postures, to read which people are most confident.

We also found that the head signals nonverbally, for example, the headshake signals a negative thought, whereas the head nod can mean agreement such as in the west or can mean submission or even that a speaker is being heard in Japan, head down represents judgment or a negative thought when accompanied by similar cues in cluster, head tilted shows interest and head back means disapproval.

We discovered that dominant positions are generally also considered open postures and submissive postures are also usually considered closed postures. This theory allowed us to conclude that the chair straddler was both opened and therefore dominant, but also cowardly because the back of the chair formed a barrier from where he or she might throw figurative arrows or spears. We found that legs spread is a dominant gesture and of degree; the greater the spread the more dominant and at some point outright offensive, as in the case of having the leg over the arm of a chair. The full body steeple where both hands are up and behind the head while seated with or without the figure-four leg cross is both confident and dominant, but also depicts a relaxed disposition. We covered that titling backwards in the chair is dominant and casual, having the hands on hips is to imitate a peacock and appear larger and more attractive dominant or in charge, and that the cowboy pose with thumbs in belt loops popularized by old western’s is macho. We learned that the military man who exposes his torso with his hands, palm in palm to his back delineates power.

We then covered the importance of thumbs and how they show importance and superiority, how fences make great neighbours, and methods we display ownership one of which is by breaking social rules or via body language through control of facial expressions. We found that touching between men symbolizes power plays and social jostling, but between men and women, usually signifies sexual interest and that light touching helps gain compliance even from strangers. We also outlined why we should avoid filling our language with junk instead of simply punctuating a point, how talking fast makes us appear insecure or nervous unlike Barack Obama and how low-pitched masculine voices increased ratings of men’s physical and social dominance.

The Chair Straddler

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The chair straddler is a dominant, yet cowardly sitting position, because for one, the seating position requires one to spread their legs wide open exposing the genitals, and two, because symbolically it is as if they were holding a shield against their chest. Crotch displays are typical for dominant people, especially men. Women can also sometimes display authority in this fashion but if done improperly it appears like a sexual invitation rather than a dominance display. Figuratively, chair straddlers are spears throwers or arrows flingers as they toss words at others from behind their barricade. It might not always be the intention of the staddler to come across this way, so it is our duty as good body language readers, to reserve judgment until we catalog enough cues in clusters. For every rule there are always exceptions. The point here though, is that other people will judge us poorly if we become the person that straddles chairs. Certain dominant body language is acceptable, but this isn’t one of them.

If you find yourself (over) exposed to a straddler, there are a few ways to disarm him from his shield. The first is to change your seating location so that he no longer faces you directly, exposing his genitals. You can also stand up altogether and even move behind him making his posture totally ineffective. By moving behind him, his back will become exposed and unprotected, causing him to tense up. The height differences will also force him to try to remain more erect and upright, so to speak, causing him to feel uncomfortable and annoyed in short order. A proficient straddler will then turn his chair (and his member) to face you, and just like a real-life chess game the pieces move strategically. This brings about the third technique, which is to overcrowd his personal space by standing over him, being careful to continuing the conversation. If all these techniques fail, and in most cases they won’t, you can always call him out on his attitudes and body language. Like calling anyone out for any reason, this is risky and can easily backfire alienate him altogether. In extreme situations, you might see no risk at all since all you stand to lose is an arrogant acquaintance.

Reducing Body Size And Avoiding Conflict

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Reduction in body size can include anything from curling into a ball to pulling the arms in slightly to avoid detection. When we submit we show that we aren't a threat.

Reduction in body size can include anything from curling into a ball to pulling the arms in slightly to avoid detection. When we submit we show that we aren’t a threat.

There are cues that can eliminate, or significantly reduce the possibility of confrontation. These “readiness to submit” postures, are found in all animals where fighting could lead to injury or terminal harm. Unlike humans, animals in the natural world lack hospitals, doctors and medicine so conflict is risky, not to mention there might be very little upside to engaging in physical violence. Humans, while we can usually recover from some of the most violent physical altercations, still possess the same evolutionary hardwiring to avoid conflict when possible. Sometimes though, aggressive postures and hence posturing can be beneficial to thwart an attack as the opponent decides whether or not physical or verbal attack will bring them closer to their goals, or whether or not they target will make for an easy prey. Avoiding conflict can be done using submissive postures too, and an intelligent person will see that his pride will still remain intact. Submitting to others requires that a person realize that their interests are better served by achieving their goals, in this case staying injury free, rather than maintaining status.
To an instigator, the exact opposite goal is their motivation. They wish to torment and bully their way into positions of authority usually for the exact reason that they have no other skills at their disposal. The intelligent will use more sophisticated methods to win the arms race instead of physical violence.

Reduction in body size is a sure way to remain anonymous and melt into the background. Submission in this way includes; “sinking in the chair” or pulling the arms inward, pulling the shoulders down and rounding them, hunching in, pulling the chin in and pulling the legs or knees closer together. These positions would be classified as closed body postures, as are most submissive postures. Reducing body size is the exact opposite from what one would do to indicate dominance. Dominance is displayed by taking up more space, being loose and free flowing, pushing the chin out, broadening our shoulders and so forth. Remaining motionless and avoiding eye contact are other key features of a submissive posture. What all these cues have in common is that they give us a better chance of being overlooked as a threat, and help to repels attention from us.

Making the body small limits the potential of being hit and covers up vital areas of the body. In today’s age, it is uncommon to be physically attacked, but the mechanism by which we display can have a big impact on how people react physiologically to us. In other words, body language plays a big part in how other’s perceive us even if we don’t know them, and so we can influence them to our advantage even before a word is spoken. To avoid a speeding ticket, it has been shown that it is important to immediately admit to being at fault and to do so emphatically. This might be counterintuitive as most people think that admitting guilt is a sure way to get punished. However, denying culpability only serves to instigate the officer forcing him to stand his ground even further. The best stance to avoid a ticket, as we covered earlier, is to apologize, admit doing wrong, and incorporate submissive language such as head down and palms up. If you still receive a ticket, it will be much less severe.

Many sexual cues are submissive in nature - it evokes a protective response in men.

Many sexual cues are submissive in nature – it evokes a protective response in men.

The extremity of submissive language is being curled up in the fetal position, however as we get older, we find that these gestures are not acceptable so we abbreviate them. We might therefore take on a crouched position, bend our knees slightly to appear smaller, or pull a leg in and sit on it. Women can be seen hugging their knees by pulling them in. We can also take on “baby eyes” by widening the eyes and appearing more vulnerable. Women and young girls are particularly talented at this posture as anyone with daughters will no doubt admit. The vast majority of women’s sexual body language includes submissive gestures so some of them might appear during general submission. Woman might look up and lick their lips and keep them parted. Emotional tension created by submission can occur in either sex, such as a pale face, fidgeting, jerky movements, sweating, or displacement behaviours such as playing with the hair or rubbing the palms.

Figure Four And Figure Four Hand Lock

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The figure four.

The figure four.

This body position occurs as one leg is bent, oriented horizontally and pulled over the opposite knee, to form the number four. Hence the name, the figure four leg cross. It is more or less an open posture and should be taken as a mild version of the crotch display which we saw in the section on leg spreading. This posture is milder because it doesn’t fully expose the crotch because the crossed leg partially blocks the genitals from view. This again, is another one of the cues that where it’s useful to picture our targets as being nude. In essence this is the gentleman’s version of the crotch display. Women aren’t normally seen in this posture, but since pants have become more popular, it does tend to happen more often lately, than it has in the recent past. The figure four tells us that a person is relaxed, youthful (mature gentleman are seen with a full leg cross where the legs end up parallel to one another) and dominant.

The 'figure four leg' lock - note the leg forms the 4 shape with hands locking it in.

The ‘figure four leg’ lock – note the leg forms the 4 shape with hands locking it in.

The figure four seating position can be close off entirely by placing each hand on the shine so as to lock the leg in place. This posture indicates that someone is extremely stubborn and most likely apt to reject opinions of others. The person is also highly opinionated in most every way and may lead you into disagreement at every turn. The figure four hand lock is stronger as a signal if it is accompanied by negative facial expressions, scowls, or frowns. If selling an idea or product, it might be best to drop the pitch altogether and seek more agreeable company unless you are comfortable using extreme tact or are skilled at building relationships quickly.

The Ankle Or Scissor Cross

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A negative thought is present, but she's not going anywhere.

A negative thought is present, but she’s not going anywhere.

The ankle or scissor cross is where the ankles cross each other and is a posture that can happen while seated or standing. While seated this posture is a hidden form of leg crossing because it occurs discretely at the bottom of the legs and can be out of sight due to a desk or table. While standing, it is the only way legs can cross so has a similar meant to a regular full blown seated leg cross. At times the leg might be raised up the backside of the calve producing the appearance of a flamingo but this posture is mainly reserved for women. While seated, the legs can also be locked behind the legs of a chair with essentially the same message being delivered except in this case it is a restraining-freeze-behaviour. When the legs are wrapped around the chair they can’t move, hence they are locked, and are also there precisely so they don’t move, and are hence frozen. Women are also seen using the sitting position more often them men especially if they are wearing skirts, however, it is not a confident posture so should be avoided. When it does happen in men though, it should be noted since it is an unnatural position in general for them.

The ankle cross indicates that the person is holding a negative emotion, uncertainty, fear, feels discomfort or threatened, stress, anxiousness, insecurity or timidity. The ankle or scissor cross also shows reservation and self-restraint,

Lots of cues in concert. Arms in a partial-cross coupled with crossed ankles - and he's not doing much better as he 'holds himself back!'

Lots of cues in concert. Arms in a partial-cross coupled with crossed ankles – and he’s not doing much better as he ‘holds himself back!’

 

due to withholding of a thought or emotion. When being pitched, it shows resistance to the sale and when being questioned might indicate that lying is taking place. Couple interlocked legs, which is a freeze response meant to reduce foot movement, with pacifying behaviours such as rubbing the thighs palm down, as if to dry them, and you’ve got a cluster signaling that a secret is being covered. If the feet are pulled under the chair, the message is even more exaggerated. The feet are saying exactly what the person is thinking, that he or she is closed and withdrawn from the conversation. We should be watchful of this posture when presenting a controversial opinion to see what degree of disagreement is present and especially if the posture is held for a significant length of time, particularly by men. When the ankles cross it is due to a subconscious freeze response due to a threat and the legs are entwined so as to restrict and restraint movement.

As we saw previously, closing a sale or changing opinions necessitates open minds and since our bodies and minds are linked should try to open those with the scissor posture when possible. You could try to have them change positions, as above, by having them stand or relocate to a more comfortable seating location, or you could take the time to identify and address whatever issue is of concern. This is important especially if the posture preludes a more intense selling session to follow, since negative postures early on are a good predictor of the future.

Mixed message - head cocked to the side shows interest coupled with arm and ankle crossing - she's uncertain.

Mixed message – head cocked to the side shows interest coupled with arm and ankle crossing – she’s uncertain.

In a free-flowing interview or discussion noting the timing of ankle cross’ can prove valuable. With some research or prodding it might be possible to reveal the true reason for the action. Simply asking the reason for the reservation can help eliminate this posture as well because it will make the person feel listened. This is risky, though, because the primary reason for the gesture is to conceal an emotion. Conversely, giving someone the opportunity to express their thoughts makes people feel heard and sometimes that is all that is needed to open someone up. The posture after all, is a posture of hidden disagreement, so it would be hard to hold the posture as one is given the chance to open up. If the posture returns after some time, it might indicate that the person hasn’t fully disclosed their true opinion on the matter or that a new issue of contention has been uncovered. Therefore, once again, time should be taken to address any concerns that might have arisen before moving forward.

Breaking The Mold – How To ‘Close’ The ‘Closed’

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Handing someone a drink, papers, anything, can be an excellent way to open someone up for a sale.

Handing someone a drink, papers, anything, can be an excellent way to open someone up for a sale.

The research shows us that a significant amount of information is inhibited from reaching the brain when our bodies show closed body language. In one such study, two groups of students attended the same lecture. One group was instructed to hold their arms and legs crossed throughout, while the other received no such instructions. The group instructed to hold closed body language was found to have retained forty percent less information than the group that held open body language. The lecturer was also rated far more critically. Therefore, when presenting to someone with their arms crossed it is vitally important to use tactics that help them open up and drop negative cues. Not only will the retention of your message increase significantly, but so too will the probability that any agreement will take place.

It’s nearly impossible to formulate agreements with others who have their arms crossed or a myriad of other closed body postures. By simply opening your objective, they will be more receptive to your thoughts and ideas. This is why is it important, as closed body language arises, to immediately re-calibrate your tactics. If your target’s legs cross, have them stand up and move to the same side of the table to get a closer look at the material, or have them reach forward for something, forcing them to take a ready position with their bodies leaning toward you. If their arms are crossed, have them jot down notes on a piece of paper which you can express as being important for later, or have them examine a document which you can hand to them. You will want to carefully monitor their post position to see if after the item is discarded they return to their original closed body position. If they are adamant in keeping closed, they probably aren’t receiving the message to your favour.

Other ways to open people include handing them a cup of coffee, or glass of water, show them photographs of family or pets, handing them model cars or any other office artifact you might have noticed them examining with some interest. Handing them any object forces them to uncross their arms to reach for it thereby opening them. The object used isn’t vitally important, it just needs to be interesting enough to motivate them to reach for it. By doing a bit of research beforehand, you can probably find a mutual interest that can be exploited during the pitch to build rapport. This will prove especially useful if the meeting takes a turn for the worst. Being creative to re-open the conversation is an important tactic for everyone in business.

Introduction – Chapter 7

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Open body language creates comfort and welcomes people into our personal space.

Open body language creates comfort and welcomes people into our personal space.

Knowing the difference between open postures and closed postures is very important when trying to determine the thoughts, feelings and disposition of our targets. Open body language has been shown to be linked to openness of the mind where people are more likely to be receptive to outside view and having closed postures has been tied to having a closed mind or being unreceptive to new ideas. As in most cases with body language, there is a strong connection between the gestures we make and our emotions with each providing valuables clues to the other. In fact, it is often very difficult to separate the mind and the body language that leaks from it, even with conscious thought, which is especially true when it comes to primitive emotional language.

Openness can sometimes be confused with simply being relaxed or intense, and to some degree this is true. For example, being open often means that attire is also relaxed, shirt collars are unbuttoned, ties removed, the pants might hang loose and certain articles like jackets might be removed. Full openness, therefore, is not always acceptable. Conversely, we might look at being open as simply a lack of holding closed cues. That is, having open cues is the exact same as not displaying closed cues and is the default position of the two. Being closed requires a certain amount of tensing of muscles and therefore effort so the default of most people is having an open mind. In other words, people are open, unless they say otherwise! It follows that there are far fewer cues to symbolize openness as opposed to closed, since being open is more of a passive state.

Closed body language happens whenever a part of our body crosses the center-line. Arms are shields that protect our torso from harm.

Closed body language happens whenever a part of our body crosses the center-line. Arms are shields that protect our torso from harm.

Closed cues generally occur whenever a limb crosses the center line of the body. When a leg, for example, comes across the center of the body and locks with the opposite leg, or when the arms fully cross over one another, we have a closed posture. There are more subtle cues of closed body postures which will cover in the next pages but crossing the center-line of the body is one of the main themes. Open postures, on the other hand, are postures that maintain the center-line of the body free from obstruction from any limbs or objects.

When closed postures are combined with other closed postures, the signal intended is made more obvious. For example, leg crossing in combination with arm crossing is much more potent than either alone. Add to this an expressionless face, turning away, and one is left to assume that communication is not welcomed at any level. On the other hand, we might be faced with someone who has their legs crossed but the arms are opened and honest. In this case, we might assume that it is a deliberate and conscious attempt to appear relaxed, when in fact the person might not be relaxed at all. It might be the case too, that someone has mixed feelings and is reserved at one level, but open at another level. Reading opened and closed body language is tricky business, but all cues are additive. Cues of the same origin, happening together, serve to strengthen an open or closed reading, but so too does conflicting cues. Conflicting cues tell us that someone has an internal reservation, made obvious through their mixed message.

It is fortunate for those of us who wish to modify our body language, that we have control of our conscious mind, since we then can modify our body language as desired.
Of course, since de-linking of our bodies and minds is difficult, these changes bring about inherent change in our attitudes as well. For example, it’s fairly easy to consciously carry open postures, such as palms up, arms and legs uncrossed, and hold active eye contact, however holding these postures necessarily leeches back into us creating open feelings.

In this chapter we will examine the vast array of open and closed body positions that we can use to come across as more or less open, as we desire. Naturally too, we will be able to identify this same body language in other people and use it to our advantage when reading them.