Tag Archive for Behaviours

Setting Someone Up To Be Read

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

The following is a sequence by which lying can be more effectively read as outlined by Joe Navarro in his book What everybody is saying. Navarro follows a more interrogative style which will work in some circumstances, but it limited in others.

When trying to read someone for truth-telling, have an open view of their body to be able to see any signs of comfort and discomfort as they may arise.

When trying to read someone for truth-telling, have an open view of their body to be able to see any signs of comfort and discomfort as they may arise.

1. Get a clear unobstructed view of the person you wish to read so you don’t miss any pacifying behaviours. If possible put people in an open space.
2. Expect some nervous and stressful body language especially pacifying behaviours. People are expected to calm themselves at all times even when no lying is being done.
3. Expect initial nervousness. When someone is questioned they will feel tension regardless of their level of guilt.
4. If possible have the person you wish to read to first relax. With time everyone relaxes, even guilty people so if you can put off asking important questions or build rapport, do so.
5. Look to establish a baseline. This is especially important if you don’t know the person you are questioning all that well. Look for cues they use normally especially mannerisms and pacifiers.
6. As you begin questioning, watch for an increased use of pacifiers. This will be especially telling when they seem to increase dramatically during specific questions or when certain topics arise. When they arise, it will provide clues as to which information requires further investigation.
7. Pause frequently after asking questions. It is important to avoid putting out too many questions all at once because it will only serve to create stress. Give the person you are trying to read enough time to think and answer questions so as to avoid false positives.
8. Stay on task and maintain focus. When people feel stress they often want to change the subject matter or avoid questions. If a person gets the opportunity to change the subject their will emit fewer nonverbal tells of deception because when people speak they get to choose and control the topic.
9. Chatter is not truth. Listening to one side of the story often produces a bias and on the surface, the more we listen to people, the more we tend to trust and believe what they tell us. Advertising campaigns work through a similar mechanism as the more we hear the message, the more we think it to be true. Eventually, if we hear messages enough time, they work into our subconsciousness to become “ours”, they re-write our reality. When people present a huge amount of information about a topic, they appear to be telling the truth, however this is not always the case as even creative liars can go at lengths to produce elaborate and believable lies. It is not the amount of information provided that matters, but rather the accuracy of the information which can only come through verification of the facts.
10. Stress in and stress out. There are two times when stressful nonverbals are emitted, once when the question is asked which can appear like distancing behaviours such as arms and foot withdrawl and then again when pacifying is needed to calm. These come out as neck touching, stroking the hair and so forth.
11. Isolate the cause of stress. Is stress due to being asked stressful questions, or because someone is being interrogated. Not all stressful nonverbal language is due to lying and often people that are honest, show nervous language.
12. Pacifiers tell us a lot. Pacifying body language tells us when someone is stressed which tells us which scenarios, questions or information has created it. It therefore follows that pacifying cues tell us which areas require more thorough investigation.

Summary – Chapter 13

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

In this chapter we looked extensively at courtship signals. We learned that men who are not familiar with body language tend to miss the signals put out by women, but that women can be misleading or confusing as message senders, and that it is the women’s job to signal sexual interest. We talked about the most common sexual signals women use, starting with displays of submission including pigeon toes or tibial torsion, shoulder shrugs, exposing the neck or wrists, head tilt, smiling, the forehead bow and childlike playfulness. The second class of signals, we discussed where ways to create sexiness such as tossing the hair, tilting the pelvis, the parade, the room encompassing glance, grooming and preening, the leg twine and leg crossing, hiking the skirt and or dressing provocatively. The third way women use to indicate interest that we covered related to proximity such as moving closer, pointing and eye contact and crossing the legs towards her object of affection. The remaining sexual signals were rapport building. We learned that women dress more provocatively and ornament more elaborately when most fertile and receptive to male advances, that echoing and mirroring is a big component in the mating dance, and how squeezing the hand can be used as a kiss test.

We then looked at the main behaviours that can be used by women to avoid male solicitation which included facial expressions such as yawning, frowning, sneering, gaze avoidance, upward gaze, looking away, and staring and gestures such as negative head shaking, nail cleaning, teeth picking or pocketing hands and postural patterns such as arm crossing, holding the trunk rigidly, closing the legs, body contact avoidance or pulling away. These were classified into three main categories; gaze avoidance, gestures and posture patterns.

As we saw, men solicit attention from women in a different way. Men will demonstrate dominance and virility to appear sexier to women, whereas women traditionally display submission. We saw that alpha men will use the cowboy posture to draw attention to their genitals, they will and should eliminate beta male body language to attract women, use more open postures such as legs spread apart, arms uncrossed, keep their hands away from their face, hold a firm upright torso, use their arms and hands to punctuate points in speech, speak slowly with a calm voice, use fewer filler words such as “umms” and “ahhs” and generally take up more space to appear more relaxed and in control. We learned that the dominant male posture happens by placing the feet flat with the body’s weight spread evenly with hips forward and legs slightly wider than shoulder width. We then looked at how men can use negative body language to trick women into thinking they are disinterested in a cat and mouse game, how tonality affects attraction with deeper being sexier, that random smiling can bring about good things and that men should wait until eye contact is established before smiling to anchor a smile to a specific target before breaking eye contact by looking downward. In our final section we covered the tens steps to intimacy.

How Women Can Avoid Solicitation By Men

by  • March 6, 2013 • 1 Comment

She's just not that into you.

She’s just not that into you.

The chapter has a heavy focus on ways that women attract sexual attention, but there were a few hints dropper here and there with regards to ways women can avoid attention. The problem as women might view it is that most of the tactics involved dropping cues, or ‘inaction’ rather than actionable body language. Because there are times when women require the opposite result, I have devoted this section to ways women can actively send rejection signals. It is far easier and less embarrassing to use nonverbal language to send negative signals and they can be implemented earlier to reduce escalation before it’s too late. Women far too often make the mistake of placating others to their own detriment. When men are bored, they feel no pain, no discomfort, no desire to offer anything other than a barren despondent look on their face. It might surprise you to hear me say to this, congratulations! Men who show their true emotions have mastered, all-be-it passively, the use of effective body language and use it to convey their boredom to others. When men are bored, they say “shape up or ship out”, women should heed this and follow. So women, please pay careful attention to the tips that follow to avoid unwanted approaches.

My conclusions are drawn in large part from the research of Dr. Monica Moore in 1998 who looked at rejection patterns in women. She found seventeen main behaviours in her study that indicated rejection of potential male partners. They included facial expressions such as yawning, frowning, sneering, gaze avoidance, upward gaze, hair gaze (looking at one’s own hair), looking away, and staring, as well as gestures such as negative head shaking, nail cleaning, teeth picking or pocketing hands, and finally, posture patterns such as arm crossing, holding the trunk rigidly, closed legs, body contact avoidance or pulling away. Here they are by category in a bit more detail.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Avoiding eye contact shows men that we're not interested in interacting.

Avoiding eye contact shows men that we’re not interested in interacting.

Gaze avoidance happens when the woman refused to make eye contact with the man, despite him looking directly at her. She will look at other people, make eye contact with someone else, or pretend to be taken by something else in the room. This can and in fact, should be done while a man is currently speaking. Buck up women, grow some and spell it out! Look at it this way, you’re saving him time by being direct and upfront and in the long run, he might even thank you if it gives him the time to pursue someone else. To display disinterest a women can also look upward by raising the chin only a quarter inch or look at the ends of her hair which is a strong signal of boredom and detachment. Any behaviours should include prolonged inattention, lasting at least ten seconds, but more is always better! Staring is also used, in this case staring lasts multiple seconds or until the man looks away, but when he does, don’t look him over, start a conversation with someone else or leave altogether without saying anything. If none of these messages seem to be working, add frowns or sneers to your repertoire. The sneer happens with furrowed brows and the mouth is compressed and turned downward. The sneer happens when the mouth is twisted and the nose wrinkled. Next you can use head shaking and yawning which shows negative thoughts rather than using more affirmative head movements such as nods.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Turning the body away and taking a step amplifies disinterest.

Turning the body away and taking a step amplifies disinterest.

Gestures are nonverbal rejection patterns that involved movement of the hands and arms. Interested women perform palm displays, however, disinterested women will pocket their hands instead, or cross their arms over their chest. To further disinterest, an increase in distance would occur by taking steps backwards or using barriers to reduce closeness. Self grooming can also be used to show disinterest, but not in a flirtatious way. Instead picking the nails, or teeth is used to turn men off and efficiently display disinterest.

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Crossing the arms denies a man exposure to your torso - an unwelcome signal.

Crossing the arms denies a man exposure to your torso – an unwelcome signal.

Posture patterns involve movement and positioning of the body. These are tied to closed body positions and include such items as tightly crossing the legs, legs crossed at the ankles or hidden under a chair. Other postures include a rigid upright torso and positions that avoided body contact and if contact was initiated the women would pull away. Leaning back and turning the back to the man is also effective.

 

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

Whatever cues you plan on using, be sure of your intent before emitting them. If you are serious about rejecting someone it is important that you be deliberate, predictable and consistent. If you flip-flop from positive to negative cues, he’ll just think that you are “moody” which will create a situation that makes negative cues less effective in the future. It will also prolong pursuit because the positive cues mixed into the interaction will provide him incentives to continue. Finally, be prepared to be called bad names like “grumpy” and of course “bitch.” It is unfortunate for women that they aren’t given the same latitude as men in terms of their ability to display negative emotions in an outward fashion, but this is the world we live in and no amount of complaining will change it. The research tells us that women are expected to smile even if unhappy, and be chipper when depressed, but when it comes to rejecting someone, it’s best done quickly and without remorse. Afterall, when it comes to rejection, do you really care what their opinion is of you?

If this sort of tactic makes you uncomfortable, you are welcome to use an integrity based, verbal rejection. “Sorry, I’m not interested” will work just fine in most cases. Whatever method you choose, it will be you that has to live by it.

It’s A Women’s Job To Attract Attention

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Men prefer a direct approach - study the signals, put them out there and men will respond. Simple.

Men prefer a direct approach – study the signals, put them out there and men will respond. Simple.

Researcher in 1989 by Dr. Monica Moore of the University of Missouri in St Louis conducted a study of how women interacted in public. They specifically examined nonverbal language as it pertained to attracting attention from men. In the study, they followed eighteen to thirty-five year old women in singles bars. In all, she monitored her subjects for fifty-two different kinds of gestures and behaviours so she could relate them back to their effects on others. Some of the cues included, smiling, touching, pouting, skirt hiking, leaning toward males, brushing up against a man with her breasts or body, tossing her hair, gazing such as lowering eyelids, raising and widening eyes, throwing quick glances, flipping or tossing the hair or giggling.

Two interesting results stemmed from the research. One, the flirting was location specific. Most of the flirting happened in singles bars and was virtually non-existent in other locations. The second major finding was that women who signaled most often, where also most often approached by men. However, men that sent out signals in this way, fail miserably at receiving attention from women. In another study, researchers found that up to seventy percent of all courtship is initiated by women and ninety percent of the time, trained observers were able to accurately predict the outcome of interactions that stemmed from overt female behaviour. In this study, observes looked for cues such as upward palm gestures, primping, caressing one’s body with the hand, requesting aid, crossing and uncrossing legs, and exhibiting solitary dance movements. If you think attractiveness of subjects had anything to do with approach, think again. In fact, it’s the frequencies with which these behaviours occurred which had the greatest affect on drawing men in to approach. Attraction is in the eye of the behaviour. More attractive females showing few signals, attract less attention. If it’s your goal to reduce attention, eliminate positive body language. It’s not much more complicated than this.

'Accidental touching' is a subtle and low risk way women can initiate courtship.

‘Accidental touching’ is a subtle and low risk way women can initiate courtship.

Attractiveness plays little or no beneficial part in solicitation, as mentioned above. It has been said that men approach women who are near average or slightly above average most frequently and mathematically this should be obvious. Most men are average looking and it is them who are seeking out average women. Men might gawk at particularly hot women, but they rarely build up the courage to cross their “league” for fear of being rejected (or wasting their time). While average men could approach and possibly succeed in lower leagues, they’d be faced with having to lower their standards. As sad as it is, men and women seek to best maximize the attractiveness of their partners, and in most cases it involves dating someone of similar attractiveness.

Researcher Adam Kendon filmed a kissing couple in 1975 and found that it was the woman’s behaviour, particularly her facial expressions, that regulated and modulated the behaviour of her partner. Other research shows that women also modulate stages of intimacy through their nonverbal body language by allowing or disallowing the breach of stages. Women also tend to control the initiation of conversations between strangers too. For example, when no eye contact is made by the women, others don’t approach or start conversations. So in summary, there really is no excuse, it’s the women’s job to solicit, or reject, as the case may be making it vitally important for both women and men to recognize the signals of sexual solicitation. Next, we do just this!

Summary – Chapter 12

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

In this chapter we found that mirroring is one of the quickest and most efficient ways to build rapport with other people. It can be done consciously to gain an advantage and if done properly will go without noticed. It is effective to create liking, acceptance and formulate bonds. We discussed the chameleon affect where unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours occur between people of like minds. We looked at various studies showing that even purposeful mirroring has positive effects, creates and reveals liking in others, and helps gain approval. We found that proper mirroring is unlike the childhood game “copy-cat” where we imitate to irritate.

Proper mirroring, we found, works best by subtly picking up on unconscious gestures such as foot shaking, body scratching, face or hair touching or changes in posture. We discussed that mirroring that includes more dramatic gestures like leaning in, crossing legs, or folding arms, must always be done undetected lest it cause irreversible damage or negative thoughts. Echoing was compared to mirroring, with one key difference. That is, we found that echoing happens when similar postures were taken up, but only after some time had elapsed, rather than immediately as in mirroring. Echoing was therefore described as a more subtle way to build rapport. We found that mirroring can help find common ground during negotiations by creating cooperation and empathy instead of deception.

We also talked about what issues can arise to inhibit mirroring which includes resistance from inward looking people who define themselves by whom they are rather than their associations with others, self monitors who tend to obey their own internal regulators instead of modifying themselves by environment, and the final reason was outlined as outright disagreement. We discussed how mirroring can be matched to create perfect flow through changing dialect, speech rate or tempo, pitch, tonality, voice inflection, use of words and even accent and is called “communication accommodation theory.” We defined perfect speech patterns as “pacing” where information flows uninterrupted and in rhythm. Next we solved the puzzle as to why our pets look like our kids and couples look like each other, how our bosses and superiors call the shots and we should only sometimes mirror them, and how women mirror more than men overall.

Research Into Purposeful Mirroring

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

A 1999 study by Tanya Chartrand and John Bargh, showed that forced mirroring had a positive effect on liking. In this study, half of the time researchers either mimicked or did not mimic subjects. The remaining actions and behaviours remained the same across both groups meaning that the only factor being manipulated was either mimicry or lack thereof. The participants who had been mimicked reported a greater liking and reported that the conversation carried on much smoother then what was reported by subjects that did not receive any mirroring.

Another study showed that mimicry arouse spontaneously amongst strangers. In this study, participants were examined interacting on two separate occasions. In the first session the researcher interacted with the subject while purposely rubbing their face and in the second, they shook their foot. Videotapes of the session showed that the participants mirrored the actions of the researcher, that is, when the researcher rubbed their face, they did too, and when they shook their foot, so too did the subject. At the end of the study, when asked of their awareness of their mannerisms the subjects pleaded ignorance to their mimicry. This suggests that imitation when around others is spontaneous and happens without prompting. In other words, we naturally imitate others.

Dutch researcher Rick van Baaren and colleagues in a 2003 study demonstrated that mirroring leads to a greater sense of closeness between people. In this marketing study, body posture and mannerisms of participants was either imitated or not. Subjects that were mirrored rated the researchers significantly higher on a closeness rating scale. Thus, despite feigned mirroring, subjects still reported greater liking. In a second study it was found that tipping size increased by sixty-eight percent simply by verbally repeated the orders of patron and in a third study, individuals were more likely to help someone who had dropped items when they had been previously mirrored.

Mirroring can therefore be a powerful and practical tool when used deliberately as evidenced by the research. The research suggests that the propensity to mirror is an adaptive way to converse more efficiently and smoothly. Several other studies show us that people are both more likely to imitate others whom they like, and also like those of which they imitate. This has implications on persuasion since liking has a profound effect on our influence of others. The research also tells us that others are not normally aware of the mirroring that is happening around them, nor of the effect mirroring has on their actions and beliefs. In essence, mirroring is an effective and powerful tool which can be used to create bonds, build rapport, and in essence, get what we want from others.

The Chameleon Effect (Mimicry)

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

It's like looking into the mirror.

It’s like looking into the mirror – and we see ourselves.  This eases our tension.

A term first coined by Chartrand and Bargh in 1999, the “chameleon effect” refers to the unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours such that one partner in an interaction passively and unintentionally changes his body positions to match that of others. He further describes that this changes are context specific and person specific. There are some key points in this idea. First is that the mirroring happens without conscious awareness, which will become important later as we explore the applications of mirroring. Second, a persons perception of another’s behaviour works to increase the likelihood of it appearing in others.

In other studies it was observed that nonverbal mirroring increased over time within a group of people. Rapport, liking, empathy and group building also increases over time. When students were asked to mirror the nonverbal language of their instructor they reported a stronger sense of involvement with them. It has even been reported that the absence of mirroring can even produce differences amongst people instead of just inhibiting cohesion.

Interlacing Fingers and Palm Finger Stroking

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Interlaced fingers is a low confidence hand display.

Interlaced fingers is a low confidence hand display.

When the fingers massage the palm or the fingers are interlaced together then gently rub up and down as the fingers stroke the inside of the other indicate a person who is in doubt, has low confidence, or is experiencing stress. As tension escalates the gesture will move from palm stroking into more rigorous interlaced finger stroking making the two a progression of intensity. Thus while palm stroking is due to mild doubt or slight confidence issues, interlaced fingers that rub up and down is to do a higher level of anxiety.

Both gestures are excellent examples of pacifying behaviours meant to sooth underlying emotional discomfort. As conversations intensify watch for increases in soothing body language revealing the underlying anxiety.

The Security Blanket

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Playing with a sleeve of cufflink is a leaked gesture because it replaces a full arm cross but still provides the feeling of comfort.

Playing with a sleeve of cufflink is a leaked gesture because it replaces a full arm cross but still provides the feeling of comfort.

As we get older we are taught that certain behaviours and habits are unacceptable. Carrying a security blanket, for example, while acceptable as a toddler is unbecoming in grade school so it is weaned. Perhaps as a by-product of our recent, in evolutionary terms at least, bipedalism, we’ve failed to fully adjust methods of keep our hands busy. Bipedalimsm is the term used to describe walking on two feet which is rare in the animal kingdom. When under pressure, our hands and arms are the first to feel out of place and give away our awkwardness. Even those that spend a lot of time in front of large audiences can still be found with “security blankets”, as it were whose purpose is to keep busy our free appendages.

The cuff link is a common choice for men attending formal affairs because it gives their hands a use instead of dangling awkwardly as they walk. Next time you see a televised awards show watch carefully as a presenter or an award winner make his way up to the stage, he just might show his awkwardness by fingering his cufflink. Reaching across the body in this way is also an abbreviated arm cross since the hands come out in front of the body forming a barrier, in this case a loose loop.

A purse can be used as a shield to protect the torso. If you want to know how she really feels about you, just measure much she trusts you around her purse.

A purse can be used as a shield to protect the torso. If you want to know how she really feels about you, just measure much she trusts you around her purse.

This type of body language is defined as ‘leaked’ because consciously the person is trying to prevent it from happening, but their conscious mind is only successful at blocking a more obvious gesture by replacing it with one that is slightly less pronounced. The gestures are also considered “masked arm crosses” because they create a barrier-effect protecting the body, but aren’t full blow arm crosses. Other forms of gestures that fall in the same family include holding or clutching a bag, checking the contents of a bag or briefcase where the arms must cross the body, playing with a bracelet, watch or shirt button and holding a drink with both hands. Any sort of motion that allows one hand or arm to cross the center of the body, or where a crutch object is sought that otherwise serves little or no appropriate purpose, qualifies as a security blanket. To those aware of the cue, it is a very easy ‘tell’ to catch, because there really is no purpose for the behaviour aside from tension relief.

What to know if a women trust you? See how she reacts around her handbag! The handbag is a very personal item for women and she uses it as an item of security. When nervous or out of place, she can dive into her bag and checks its contents so as to symbolically connects her to the comforts of home and exempt her from outside interruptions. In other words, while she checks her back, she’s busy, don’t bother her! Handbags give women something to grasp onto and hold especially if they feel particularly self-conscious or insecure and will feel naked without it. On the other hand, if she allows the handbag contents to be viewed by a potential male suitor, or trusts him to guard it, you can bet that she is willing to explore a relationship. Women are personally connected to their handbags!

The Fetal Position

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

We curl up in a ball when we feel upset - as a fetus does in utero.

We curl up in a ball when we feel upset – as a fetus does in utero.

An extreme form of closed posture is the fetal position. While it might seem far fetched to expect someone in your company to have this posture, it does occur although in more abbreviated adult acceptable ways. While at an informal party, for example, a women in might find herself hugging her knees at the end of a couch. To her, this feels comfortable, which is why she does it, but it reveals her true emotions. When in a public she is timid and reserved so she curls up in a ball. The abbreviated form of this position, of course, and one that is more acceptable in public is to pull the limbs in closer to the body and across the center-line as in the “self hug”. With age, we learn that taking up the fetal position, like thumb sucking, is not an acceptable way of dealing with our insecurity so we drop the extreme form of the gesture in favour of more subtle cues. Playing with the hair, rolling it around a finger, sucking on it, or a pen, or other oral fixations are also juvenile coping behaviours that become unacceptable, although often still continue, into adulthood.

Sucking on a pen or piece of hair serves as a replacement for a soother.

Sucking on a pen or piece of hair serves as a replacement for a soother.

Nail biting is an oral fixation that replaces thumb sucking and allows the body to burn off nervous energy.

Nail biting is an oral fixation that replaces thumb sucking and allows the body to burn off nervous energy.