When my brother comes over to visit he likes to play chair games with me since he’s aware, through my research, of the power plays afforded by such a seemingly innocuous objects. He often chooses the head of the table or the most desirable position on the sofa, and if possible, will secure the tallest chair. He’s already a bit taller than me and he knows that while seated he looses his advantage making it even more important to claim the higher chair lest he lose his height advantage. My computer chair allows one to raise and lower it, so as fast as it can be adjusted it’s at its peek, allowing him to look down on me. These games are all in good fun of course, as we both understand the implications. However, while we play these games in fun, others might not, they may use them to intimidate or gain power over you and if you are interested, you over them.
To level the playing field it is important to limit the presence of chairs that can be raised or lowered just in case you don’t arrive early enough to gain access to them. Chairs that swivel also hold more power because they can face in infinite directions. The most punishing chairs, which are used by interrogators are those that are fixed to the floor, usually placed in the center of a room away from any shelter. When the idea is to gain quick authority, job interviewers can also employ this tactic. Because you can’t swivel, you must adjust your entire body position to orient yourself toward anything of interest. Should someone enter the room, you’ll either be forced to keep your back to them or will have to lean to one side to look. Regardless, you are at a disadvantage. Chairs that also give more power are those with higher backs. Kings and queens sit in tall chairs because they understood the powers it gave them. The peasants were lucky to get a chair at all, and a stool is was plenty for the layman. Think about what types of chairs are present at fast food places and their effect on us. Usually they will be rock hard and prevent us getting comfortable by leaning back with their metal backs designed specifically to reduce our stay. What effect would this type of seating have on a competitor in business or an in-law we wished to enjoy only a brief visit?
To disarm or punish people, use soft seating such as a sofa that when pressure is added practically envelopes your opponent. This reduces their ability to use gestures in communication and to move about the room because getting up from a sunken position is more difficult than an upright on. Also make sure this chair is lower than normal helping you establish dominance, and if it has arms, even better, as this too will limit their movement.
The alpha male solicits (elicits) attention from women.
Establishing dominance and status are the main messages men deliver to establish attraction with women and there are a variety of methods to do so. Fashion is one aspect of status and it includes expensive watches and suites, polished shoes and being well groomed. Status also comes across through body language. Open postures, legs spread apart, arms uncrossed and keeping the hands away from the face. Alpha men display alpha traits because life has treated them well. Good posture also shows that life hasn’t taken advantage of him and the weight of the world isn’t holding him down.
The torso’s of dominant men is firm and still, they will use their arms to punctuate points, but keep them relatively inactive. Dominant men only rarely raise their arms above the level of their belt. Speaking slowly with a calm voice also shows dominance. The fewer words used, the more emphasis is placed on what words are used. Instead of rambling on, men should use more pauses and allow their minds to catch up. Alpha men speak slowly, almost carefully. They choose their words wisely and avoid fillers such as “ummm” and “ahhh.” Taking up space is also part of dominant body language. Having the arms spread wide while on a sofa and the legs apart gives the impression that men are relaxed and also larger than they actually are.
Proximity plays a huge factor in dating and anything done to decrease space between tow people is a good signal of attraction. Sometimes, closeness is real, for example a woman might get up and physically move closer to a man, she might move a chair next to him or she might opportunistically take up a position close-by on a sofa. All cues that are important give alternative options to sit. Sometimes too, proximity is figurative such as is the case when women point, or when eyes are cast.
The “pointing knee” happens when a woman sites on her foot and aims her knee toward the man of interest.
If touching was unwelcome, then an accidental touch would result in her hand being pulled away.
Touching escalation.
Pointing, like eyeing, are ways to bring people close together without actually moving. Both are reliable indicators of where we’d rather be, or who we are thinking about. We can point with our eyes, our toes or feet, or our knees. The pointing knee happens when a woman sites on her foot and aims her knee toward the man of interest. This is sometimes also a signal of being relaxed and informal which extends the meaning of the pointing knee. Escape is difficult in this position so when done by a woman it means that she is comfortable around whomever she is with at the time. Dangling a shoe is another informal signal of comfort for the same reason. The pointing knee also shows fleeting glimpses to the inner thigh which can be arousing to men. Leaning in or toward, standing next to someone or even isolating oneself from friends all shows interest when done by women.
Touching is another great signal of attraction even if it happens ‘accidentally’. Women will make a point to brush up against men of interest and as we have seen may groom them if they wish to send a strong message. Have you ever wondered if he or she really likes you? Try accidentally brushing a knee or leg up against someone under the table. If they pull away or turn immediately than it’s due to disinterest, but if it’s embraced and “footsies” ensue then it’s an excellent signal of interest. To make sure the signal is anchored try casting occasional flirty eye contact. This is a signal that can be used by either men or women. When outside of a dating context, the same pulling away will be found so this isn’t limited to courtship. People that hate each other like to maintain as much space as possible and even accidental touching is unwelcome.
Leaving a tie un-straightened can give women an excuse to touch and is a great way to measure interest by men. To send a much more subtle signal of touching an object might take the place of a person. Such is the case with caress the stem of a wine glass, ring, watch or car keys. The back of the hand, the neck, the shoulders, or side of the face can also show interest. Self touching is a way to prepare the body for touching by someone else and also indicates what type of touching women wish to receive. Self-touching is a ‘fix’ that is used to alleviate the symptoms of the desire to be touched, and indicates where a women’s mind is thinking.
The “luncheon test” is a fun territorial game. To play it, simply advance restaurant artifacts from your side to the other piece-by-piece over the course of a meal. Start with the condiments (salt, pepper, ketchup, etc.) then move onto your own personal items such as your drink, an empty salad bowl, use napkins and so forth. Watch how your guest response. Do they push the items back to reclaim land, or do they ease back in their chair and let you have the extra space you seem to require?
As a species, we have clear definitions and rules protecting ownership of our possessions for the purpose of maintaining order and reducing conflict. Territoriality describes the set of rules that govern the space around our bodies with emphasis on how we communicate ownership. A territory is defined as the space or area around a person that is claimed as their own, to the exclusion, or inclusion, of all others as they see fit. Territoriality is a key part of the human condition even though it is rarely thought about. The land our houses sit upon is owned by us and we prove this to others by way of a deed and unfortunately by the taxes we pay for the right to keep it. Most of the things inside our houses are also ours and we prove this through shear possession, unless we save our purchase receipts. There are also things we own but that occupy space that is shared by our communities, or that neighbouring communities. Our cars are owned by us, yet move about the territories of others.
Fences around our homes have become commonplace showing a greater need for us to protect what little space we own, in a rapidly expanding population, that finds itself in a shrinking community. Apartment style housing and condominiums however, prove that as land availability shrinks, our tolerance for density is increasing. As we shall see, habitation density controls personal space tolerances, that is, it controls how much empty space we require around our bodies when near other people. However we look at property and personal space, one thing is true, everyone fights to defend it.
We see this battle amongst children who fight for the front passenger seat in an automobile or among college students for the best seat on the sofa. We can also see it with office employees who fight for the best seats at the conference table, or even the best offices (usually the biggest or with the brightest window or best view). Once a territory is claimed, ownership is marked. We can mark our territory by leaving personal artifacts such as a jacket across the back of a chair or a book on a seat to reserve it. We sometimes even go so far as hiring friends as guards to hold and protect our territories when space is limited, or hold our cue in line. Status in a hierarchy alone can serve to protect territories. For example, no one would contest the boss’s or Dad’s seat at the head of the table. Curiously even habit can reserve a territory. Seating in large auditoriums (several hundred seats) in university settings is rarely assigned, yet habit says that students sit in the same general areas class after class, while most sit in the very same seat each lecture. Being usurped of a seat that has been reserved through this repeated claim can be upsetting even though no written rules exist.
As spaces become more crowded our natural response is to guard our territories with even more fervor. Cues and lines are a prime example. The longer the line and greater the wait, the more aggression people will hold against those that jump cue. Disney world has a strict no cue jumping policy for this reason. Cues are an interesting way of defining territory if you really think about it. Cues are eternally moving, and changing, yet we guard our relation to others and our nearness to our goal, whatever it might be. It has been shown that particularly violence-prone individuals such as criminals tend to have much wider personal space requirements than regular people. What seems like miles to us, might seem like inches to them. This is why respecting nonverbal body language that indicates aggression related to space invasion is vitally important so we don’t cause what is called “intrusion panic.” Incidentally, babies also suffer from panic when strangers get to close so respecting personal space goes across all people (animals too), and even while driving – hence the term “road rage.” Setting someone off who has tendencies to react physically can be disastrous and we never really know what type of person we are interacting with at a given occasion since we deal with so many strangers on a daily basis.
By examining a crowded beach area we can see rules that create territories. Our friends and family will ban together with towels and other beach artifacts to ward off others. The efficiency of the group due to its common interest allows it to expand by creating space amongst and between its members producing even more space for itself, a luxury not experienced by a single person or even a couple. Banding with others creates strength and when interests align we tend to clump and form pairs, clans, gangs, groups and so forth. If a new or better stake of land becomes available we quickly motion our troops to action, we pull up stake, and move quickly. In high stakes environments we might even send a brave individual from our clan to put up the first claim. Usually we follow first come takes claim because it is found to be a fair enough rule to abide by. Because we live in a civilized society and we jostle over generally trivial stakes our rules prohibit physical altercations.
