Tag Archive for Right Arm

Echoing And Mirroring Is The Mating Dance

We're both "the captain!"

We’re both “the captain!”

So far in this book we have talked about mirroring in terms of building rapport for business and life in general, but the real excitement comes from mirroring in dating. Mirroring in dating is the original “mating dance.” It is a complete synchrony of gestures and movements that seems carefully choreographed, but isn’t. It is so pervasive that it carries through to synchronous breathing and blinking, tone of voice, inflection and pitch, not to mention more obviously gestures like body position and movements such as affect and illustrators, regulators and standing postures. Mirroring is the mechanism that produces fluid dance which is a precursor to the much more intimate dance that happens between the sheets!

Mirroring isn’t a childish copy-cat game, but it is close. A distinction should be made between mirroring and echoing. Echoing happens when gestures and positions are duplicated some time after they first appear, usually within a matter of seconds. Mirroring is done by immediately taking up the same postures, or if facing one another, its mirror opposite. Picture this next example as if the woman and man are both facing head-on, where the woman is on the left and the man on the right. Here a perfect mirror would happen as the inside, or left foot of the woman is up on the foot rest at a bar, with a drink in her right hand, and her left arm resting on the bar top, the man would have his right foot on the foot rest, his drink in his left hand, and his right arm on the bar top. This is full mirroring. If the man pauses in his dialogue and takes a drink and so too does the woman, they will have again mirrored each other. However, if either one pauses for a second, then follows, they will have echoed each other. Other examples in the same scenario include playing with a glass or adjusting foot positions or gestures or touching the face similarly. When complete synchrony is established which can take from minutes to hours (or not at all), we call this the mating dance. I should note too, that echoing can happen up to a minute later and not all gestures are duplicated exactly. Common ground between two people can be extensive, as it is with twins who have a high degree of agreement, or slight when only small agreement is present, and this is reflected in the strength of the dance.

Testing mirroring can be done by simple observation, that is, by being mindful of any following that is done by your object. However, mirroring can also be sped up and manipulated by allowing gestures to be taken up by your partner, then after some time changing them to measure the speed with which the gestures of your partner follows. This tactic is not much different than what happens on the dance floor. Fast music really tells us if we’re on the same page together, and when “dancing without music”, the same effect is present. The more synchrony there is, the stronger the agreement, and the faster positions are adopted. Men and women can both test this out for themselves and will see that when rapport is strong, couples will hurry to stay on top of the dance through its postures.

Mirroring postures in other people, by following their lead can also test interest. To do this, just take on postures similar to your partner and see if they feel comfortable holding them with you. If they change or adopt new postures quickly or seem agitated, you can be sure that they see the two of you as different and that little or no attraction is present. When people disagree, they do their best to appear different, and this is one of the times our guts give us a visceral reaction. When we don’t like someone we do our best to expose our differences rather than our similarities.

Above: Mirroring is an instant way of building or monitoring the connection people have with one another. Yawning for example is a way that even complete strangers feel compelled to mimic. Mirroring-body language helps us gauge what level of agreement is present between people. In our historical past, mirroring each others gestures served to eliminate aggression between people. We use it today in much the same way. Two strangers won’t initially hold the same gestures or will hold closed body language and postures, but as agreements and opinions are expressed the body will show agreement and common ground. In dating, mirroring plays an even more potent role as couples can groove in almost complete synchrony which we call the matting dance. Mirroring therefore, says “Look at me, I’m the same as you, and we both agree”.

The Ways Cultures Meet And Greet

Bowing is a courtesy gesture that is performed by bending the waist at about fifteen degrees and occurs between members of about the same age and status. Bending to a full forty-five degrees is reserved to show the highest degree of politeness which you might show to someone of particularly high social status. The general rule applying to bows says that the lower ranking individual bows first, further and longer. In very casual settings a simple head nod would suffice. Still, in other settings, a handshake might accompany the bow and this is fast becoming the norm in Chinese society. The bow has origins related to status since it leaves the head vulnerable to attack showing trust. In Muslim and in Judaism the bow is seen as a gesture between God and his people, and is therefore frowned up as a gesture between those of equal status. In European cultures, the bow is used by men alone, whereas women perform their version, the curtsy, where the leg is tucked behind the other followed by a slight dip. Bows are traditional in Korea, Japan and to some degree China though not as formalized.

The full salaam is a traditional greeting in Arabic speaking countries and Islamic countries but of which is losing popularity. It is done by sweeping the right arm upwards from the heart above the head. It begins by placing the hand in the center of the chest over the heart, palm to chest, then moving upwards to touch the forehead, then rotating the palm out and up slight above head height in a sweeping motion. In the abbreviated salaam the head is dropped forward or bowed and the forehead, or mouth, or both, is touched with the fingertips then swept away. The namaste is a greeting done in India by placing both hands together palm to palm across the chest and bowing slightly. It’s origins like the handshake and wave demonstrates that no weapon is present.

Cheek kissing is another greeting gesture common in certain parts of the world. Kissing is common in Switzerland, Southern Europe, the Mediterranean and Latin America. Italians, Hispanic and French establishments will also kiss hello even while living in North America. Other pockets of kiss hellos’s are located in Miami and also Quebec where there is a heavy influence of Latin American and European immigrants. Others who kiss include Scandinavians who use a single kiss, the French who use the double kiss, and the Dutch, Belgians and Arabs who use the triple kiss. The kiss hello occurs when both people lean forward and either lightly touch cheeks together or where the lip partially touches the check. Generally the person will simply kiss the air rather than the actual cheek. Many variations exist of who kisses who and how. For example, women would kiss women in Southern Europe and women would kiss men, but men kissing men varies specifically from country to country. In Argentina and Uruguay, however, it is fairly common for male friends to kiss.

The handshake is quickly becoming the most popular method that people meet and greet one another.

The handshake is quickly becoming the most popular method that people meet and greet one another.

Fast becoming the most common type of greeting is the handshake as it represents the middle ground between the kiss and the bow. It contains some intimacy in the form of touching but stops short of being too intimate for most cultures. Even with respect to the handshake there are differences across cultures. For example firm handshakes are welcome in the West but in Asia are seen as aggressive. In parts of East Asia and North America, women and children rarely initiate a handshake, but will usually oblige if offered, and in Islamic countries men never shake the hands of women. Across the world a handshake is most commonly done with the right hand, but is far from universal.

The French lead the world in the handshake department and have been shown to shakes hands for up to thirty minutes a day. Shaking hands is common for the British, Australian, Canadian, American and German. Variations of the number of pumps also exist with some cultures shaking hands up to seven times. For example people from Northern Europe pump hands up and down only once and those from Southern Europe and Latin America pump hands up and down longer and with more vigor. Other cultures, still, will continue to hold the hand even after the handshake is complete which is common for Indian, Asian and Arabic cultures. If not prepared, this intimacy can be disconcerting and one might be driven to pull their hand free.

Hand kissing is another ritualistic greeting, but one that is nearly extinct today. It was common in the European upper class in the 18th and 19th century. The hand kiss was a form of respect given to someone of high class by someone of lower class. The palm was presented face down to a subordinate and he or she would bow forward and kisses the knuckles or ring. It is still observed in Central Europe such as Austria, Poland, Turkey and Hungary. Other greeting gestures are the kowtow from the Chinese which happens by kneeling and bowing so low as the head nearly touches the ground, the hongi, a traditional greeting in New Zealand where the noses are pressed together and hugging which is more common among friends and family in North America, but more universal in Latin America even amongst men, and in Russia where we see firm handshakes followed by big hugs called “bear hugs.” Polynesians can be seen following up hugs with back rubbing. In North America where greeting gestures are less formal, the fist pound happens where two fists are brought together as if punching each other. Less intimate greetings include waving, hat tipping or “doff” (which is mostly obsolete) and hat raising common in the 19th and early 20th centuries.

If you find yourself touring a foreign country who’s culture is very different from yours, but find someone bringing you in closer to hug, kiss a cheek, or hold a hand, don’t pull back. If someone wants to hold your hand, don’t wince, or twist it away, or if someone shakes your hand for what seems like far too long, don’t give up part way. These cultural traditions are no worse than yours and since it is you who is invading someone else’s territory, it is you who deserves to respect your host’s customs and not them yours. Being welcomed by native people with their traditional greetings is their way to make you feel at home, even if it violates your personal space requirements, or makes you uneasy. The same can be said for greetings from the elderly whom I find routinely hang onto a hand after shaking to keep close. Remember that an intimate greeting is a sign of respect and it should be honoured from whomever it comes from, and in what way.