Tag Archive for Postures

Comfort and Discomfort Body Language

Comfort on the left side of the image, discomfort on the right.

Comfort on the left side of the image, discomfort on the right.

We have covered many signals of comfort and discomfort throughout the book and have even eluded to their use in lie detection. To simplify things, I wanted to take the time to cover the cues we can use to detect lying as it relates to comfort and discomfort. We have seen how open and closed language can signal a desire to allow access to the body. Ventral displays shows that a person is open and trusting of someone and this sort of response is difficult when we feel we are hiding emotions. Comfort is displayed through proximity and people do this by moving their torsos closer or leaning inward rather than away and will remove objects that impede their view so as to establish more intimacy.

Comfortable bodies open up and spread out.

Comfortable bodies open up and spread out.

Comfortable people will hold their bodies loose rather than rigid, and their body will move with fluidity. They will gesture with their speech instead of freezing instantly or awkwardly, called “flash frozen.” Sometimes people will slow to catch their thoughts, but this will be obvious to the body language reader and will come at appropriate times and in context when thought is actually required to produce accurate answers. Comfortable people mirror others around them instead of avoiding synchrony. Their breath rate will be similar and they will adopt like postures instead of showing differences.

Bodies show discomfort by increased heart rate, breath rate, sweating, a change in normal colour in the face or neck, trembling or shaking in the hands lips, or elsewhere, compressing the lips, fidgeting, drumming the fingers and other repetitive behaviours. Voices often crack when under stress, mouths might dry up producing noticeable swallowing, “hard swallows”, or frequent throat clearing. Liars might use objects as barriers. They might hold drinking glasses to hide parts of their face or use walls and chairs while standing to lean against to gain support. Liars might engage in eye blocking behaviours by covering their eyes with their hands or seem to talk through them or even squint so as to impede what is being said from entering their minds. The eyes might also begin to flutter or increase in overall blink rate showing an internal struggle.

Drumming fingers, fidgeting, kicking feet and so forth are burning off nervous energy - discomfort.

Drumming fingers, fidgeting, kicking feet and so forth are burning off nervous energy – discomfort.

We’ve hit on the fact that stress creates nonverbal language such as preening to show detachment from a conversation (picking lint), energy displacement gestures such as scratching the body or rubbing the neck or wiping the side of the nose. Palm up displays show that a person has some doubt, and indicates a desire for other to believe them while palm down displays show confidence and authority. Microexpressions can also be particularly revealing since they happen instantaneously and subconsciously. Watch for movements that happen first especially if they are negative in nature as these are more honest than positive body language. Positive language is used by people to appear more in control and polite instead of appearing vulnerable. Fake smiles are an excellent example of an expression that can sometimes be put on to appear to disguise stress. We know smiles are faked when they seem to last for much longer than what would be considered natural.

Lack of touching, or touch reduction also signals discomfort and a divergence of ideas. When people’s ideas differ they find it hard to come close to others as part of the natural fear response. Head movements that are inconsistent with speech such as slightly nodding affirmatively though making a denial or vice versa, or delaying head nodding until after speech is made such that speech and gestures lack synchrony can give liars away. When gestures are done out of sync they tell us that a person is adding the gesture on as support for their statement. The entire affair appears to be out of the normal order of flow in communication which liars can often do. When affirmative nodding happens during denial statements such as nodding “yes” while saying “I did not do it” usually happens very subtly, but is obvious to the conscious observer. Keep in mind while reading these cues that they do not indicate lying per se, but rather indicate discomfort and stress. The job of the body language reader is to decide why a person is stressed. Are they stressed because they are being put on the spot, because they fear being mislabeled, or because they are actually telling lies?

Nervous Body Language – The ‘Other’ Cues

As we know nervousness plays a big part in lie detection so we habitually connect the two sentiments. Therefore, by this nature, we assume that any of the following could be associated with dishonesty. Here is a nearly comprehensive list of all cues that could be tied to lying or else associated with lying from the general public. While they don’t necessarily uncover a liar they will be tied to dishonesty and persons that perform these cues will be mistrusted. They include increased eye blink rate, stuttering, dilated pupils, fidgeting, appearing unfriendly or tense, facial fidgeting, shaking, postural shifts or unrelaxed/reserved postures, twitches, shrugs, head movements, playing with objects, sneering, scowling, frowning, smiling, biting the lower lip, pressing the lips together, wrinkling of the nose, increase in perspiration, blushing or turning pale and increased swallowing.

When You First Arrive

When you first arrive remove your outerwear and hang it up if possible. Try to make it seem like you belong and already fit in. When you are waiting, take notes. Have a look at the secretary and her dress and look around at others. How are they dressed? Are they casual or dressed formally. This can tell you a lot about the office’s standards of conduct. Is the office busy or quiet? Get into this framework and picture yourself there. If there is any information or company accolades on the wall, read them, and mentally make notes as you can potentially use them in your interview. If possible, remain standing in the waiting room, so as not to go unnoticed. Don’t fidget, instead remain relaxed with authoritarian postures such as the military man with hand in hand behind the back trying not to appear closed.

Dominant Body Language

The alpha male solicits (elicits) attention from women.

The alpha male solicits (elicits) attention from women.

Establishing dominance and status are the main messages men deliver to establish attraction with women and there are a variety of methods to do so. Fashion is one aspect of status and it includes expensive watches and suites, polished shoes and being well groomed. Status also comes across through body language. Open postures, legs spread apart, arms uncrossed and keeping the hands away from the face. Alpha men display alpha traits because life has treated them well. Good posture also shows that life hasn’t taken advantage of him and the weight of the world isn’t holding him down.

The torso’s of dominant men is firm and still, they will use their arms to punctuate points, but keep them relatively inactive. Dominant men only rarely raise their arms above the level of their belt. Speaking slowly with a calm voice also shows dominance. The fewer words used, the more emphasis is placed on what words are used. Instead of rambling on, men should use more pauses and allow their minds to catch up. Alpha men speak slowly, almost carefully. They choose their words wisely and avoid fillers such as “ummm” and “ahhh.” Taking up space is also part of dominant body language. Having the arms spread wide while on a sofa and the legs apart gives the impression that men are relaxed and also larger than they actually are.

The Male Crotch Display

The western version of the crotch display.  Imagine this fella totally nude!  Perhaps not attractive to women, but his assertiveness might be.

The western version of the crotch display. Imagine this fella totally nude! Perhaps not attractive to women, but his assertiveness might be.

There are a few postures that men use to display their prowess, but the jury is out as to whether or not women find them attractive per se. One of these postures is the cowboy posture which happens by placing the thumbs in a belt loop and aiming the remaining fingers toward the genitals. Interested women do tend to look at the crotch of men of interest, but performing the display might not make a man appear more sexually attractive.

The crotch display in action.

The crotch display in action.

A second version of the crotch display is to keep the legs spread open where the hand may be found on the inside of the thigh in a “ready position” or propped up on a knee. These signals are less of a sexual invitation than they are signal of their dominance over others in the room, which in and of itself makes them appear more attractive to women. New Guinea natives use what is called the penis sheath, also called koteka, horim or penis gourd to emphasis and draw attention to their genitals. It is usually made from a dried gourd and tied with a small loop around the scrotum with a secondary loop tied around the chest or abdomen and is worn without clothing. The penis sheath is usually tied in an upward position but some tribes position them to point straight out, up or at an angle. The penis sheath is an excellent example of sexually selected behaviour that came about through culture and serves to illustrate the power behind the male crotch display. What is done by western cultures is not much different if modesty and the clothing is stripped aside, so to speak. Western men use slight of hand through pointing and leg spreading to draw eyes, whereas the penis sheath draws attention to male prowess through a much more obvious and grand scale.

Micheal Jackson had no shortage of female fans and perhaps this was due to his frequent crotch grabs, although I suspect it has more to do with his deep pockets (or maybe his signing talent?). Men also draw attention to their crotch in other ways such as with their hands by motioning or placing a hand on the inner thigh, or re-orienting so the crotch faces the women directly. Men use subtle preening gestures such as fixing hair, straightening a tie or collar, or removing lint, but these aren’t as common when compared to women as sexual signals. This runs us full circle to our original though and that is that men display attractiveness through status and dominant indicators rather than any physical cue or posture. As it where though, some of men’s body positions can reveal this very characteristic.

Echoing And Mirroring Is The Mating Dance

We're both "the captain!"

We’re both “the captain!”

So far in this book we have talked about mirroring in terms of building rapport for business and life in general, but the real excitement comes from mirroring in dating. Mirroring in dating is the original “mating dance.” It is a complete synchrony of gestures and movements that seems carefully choreographed, but isn’t. It is so pervasive that it carries through to synchronous breathing and blinking, tone of voice, inflection and pitch, not to mention more obviously gestures like body position and movements such as affect and illustrators, regulators and standing postures. Mirroring is the mechanism that produces fluid dance which is a precursor to the much more intimate dance that happens between the sheets!

Mirroring isn’t a childish copy-cat game, but it is close. A distinction should be made between mirroring and echoing. Echoing happens when gestures and positions are duplicated some time after they first appear, usually within a matter of seconds. Mirroring is done by immediately taking up the same postures, or if facing one another, its mirror opposite. Picture this next example as if the woman and man are both facing head-on, where the woman is on the left and the man on the right. Here a perfect mirror would happen as the inside, or left foot of the woman is up on the foot rest at a bar, with a drink in her right hand, and her left arm resting on the bar top, the man would have his right foot on the foot rest, his drink in his left hand, and his right arm on the bar top. This is full mirroring. If the man pauses in his dialogue and takes a drink and so too does the woman, they will have again mirrored each other. However, if either one pauses for a second, then follows, they will have echoed each other. Other examples in the same scenario include playing with a glass or adjusting foot positions or gestures or touching the face similarly. When complete synchrony is established which can take from minutes to hours (or not at all), we call this the mating dance. I should note too, that echoing can happen up to a minute later and not all gestures are duplicated exactly. Common ground between two people can be extensive, as it is with twins who have a high degree of agreement, or slight when only small agreement is present, and this is reflected in the strength of the dance.

Testing mirroring can be done by simple observation, that is, by being mindful of any following that is done by your object. However, mirroring can also be sped up and manipulated by allowing gestures to be taken up by your partner, then after some time changing them to measure the speed with which the gestures of your partner follows. This tactic is not much different than what happens on the dance floor. Fast music really tells us if we’re on the same page together, and when “dancing without music”, the same effect is present. The more synchrony there is, the stronger the agreement, and the faster positions are adopted. Men and women can both test this out for themselves and will see that when rapport is strong, couples will hurry to stay on top of the dance through its postures.

Mirroring postures in other people, by following their lead can also test interest. To do this, just take on postures similar to your partner and see if they feel comfortable holding them with you. If they change or adopt new postures quickly or seem agitated, you can be sure that they see the two of you as different and that little or no attraction is present. When people disagree, they do their best to appear different, and this is one of the times our guts give us a visceral reaction. When we don’t like someone we do our best to expose our differences rather than our similarities.

Above: Mirroring is an instant way of building or monitoring the connection people have with one another. Yawning for example is a way that even complete strangers feel compelled to mimic. Mirroring-body language helps us gauge what level of agreement is present between people. In our historical past, mirroring each others gestures served to eliminate aggression between people. We use it today in much the same way. Two strangers won’t initially hold the same gestures or will hold closed body language and postures, but as agreements and opinions are expressed the body will show agreement and common ground. In dating, mirroring plays an even more potent role as couples can groove in almost complete synchrony which we call the matting dance. Mirroring therefore, says “Look at me, I’m the same as you, and we both agree”.

Summary – Chapter 12

In this chapter we found that mirroring is one of the quickest and most efficient ways to build rapport with other people. It can be done consciously to gain an advantage and if done properly will go without noticed. It is effective to create liking, acceptance and formulate bonds. We discussed the chameleon affect where unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours occur between people of like minds. We looked at various studies showing that even purposeful mirroring has positive effects, creates and reveals liking in others, and helps gain approval. We found that proper mirroring is unlike the childhood game “copy-cat” where we imitate to irritate.

Proper mirroring, we found, works best by subtly picking up on unconscious gestures such as foot shaking, body scratching, face or hair touching or changes in posture. We discussed that mirroring that includes more dramatic gestures like leaning in, crossing legs, or folding arms, must always be done undetected lest it cause irreversible damage or negative thoughts. Echoing was compared to mirroring, with one key difference. That is, we found that echoing happens when similar postures were taken up, but only after some time had elapsed, rather than immediately as in mirroring. Echoing was therefore described as a more subtle way to build rapport. We found that mirroring can help find common ground during negotiations by creating cooperation and empathy instead of deception.

We also talked about what issues can arise to inhibit mirroring which includes resistance from inward looking people who define themselves by whom they are rather than their associations with others, self monitors who tend to obey their own internal regulators instead of modifying themselves by environment, and the final reason was outlined as outright disagreement. We discussed how mirroring can be matched to create perfect flow through changing dialect, speech rate or tempo, pitch, tonality, voice inflection, use of words and even accent and is called “communication accommodation theory.” We defined perfect speech patterns as “pacing” where information flows uninterrupted and in rhythm. Next we solved the puzzle as to why our pets look like our kids and couples look like each other, how our bosses and superiors call the shots and we should only sometimes mirror them, and how women mirror more than men overall.

When Mirroring Can Backfire

Mirroring can backfire around people who want to dominate instead of build rapport. Your boss who takes you aside and wants to put the “rivets to you” isn’t going to respond to mimicry. In fact, trying to mirror him is likely going to make matters worse. In most cases, a dominant boss who displays dominant body language is not interested in employing someone equally as dominant. The default condition, or rule of thumb, to working with dominant people, unless lead otherwise (by your boss), is to show submissive postures. Fight dominance in superiors with submission, that is, hold your legs together, arms inward and hands on your lap.

There are a few exceptions when dominance should be fought with mirroring such as when we wish to rise in ranks by building equality with our bosses or wish to compete head on with other dominant people for positions or perks. Other times a boss will require someone specifically to hold a position of dominance, so will be looking for someone who reminds them of themselves. Bosses will seek these people for higher management. Lawyers can and should posture dominantly to each other. For them it can work to thwart challenges. It is expected in lawyers, and in other professions, to fight fire with fire, but in normal circumstances, mirroring will only raise the hackles of others further.

A second related instance where mirroring is not advised is during confrontation and aggression and this defines our second rule of thumb which is to avoid mirroring in hostile situations. To avoid a full blown fist fight, diffuse aggression with submissive postures. This doesn’t mean you can’t come out the winner, it just requires a different approach. More than anything it requires defining winning in a different way than traditional. In other words, walk away unscarred, alive and you’ve won!

The final caveat to mirroring is to use it only during win-win negotiations and avoid it during win-lose negotiations. Win-lose situations are when one side clearly wins and the other looses. Poker is a win-loose situation where one person wins the chips directly from another person, whereas win-win situations happen anytime prices have room for flexibility such as negotiating on the price on a piece of carpet, a car, or a house, where once the price is agreed upon both parties will benefit. Other arrangements that are win-win are partnerships that involve no money at all, but rather an equal input of labour. Therefore, our final rule of thumb is to only use mirroring when there is give and take involved, or when the task includes cooperation beneficial to both sides. The caveat, of course, which was mentioned previously, is that all mirroring must always go unnoticed for it to be effective.

The Chameleon Effect (Mimicry)

It's like looking into the mirror.

It’s like looking into the mirror – and we see ourselves.  This eases our tension.

A term first coined by Chartrand and Bargh in 1999, the “chameleon effect” refers to the unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours such that one partner in an interaction passively and unintentionally changes his body positions to match that of others. He further describes that this changes are context specific and person specific. There are some key points in this idea. First is that the mirroring happens without conscious awareness, which will become important later as we explore the applications of mirroring. Second, a persons perception of another’s behaviour works to increase the likelihood of it appearing in others.

In other studies it was observed that nonverbal mirroring increased over time within a group of people. Rapport, liking, empathy and group building also increases over time. When students were asked to mirror the nonverbal language of their instructor they reported a stronger sense of involvement with them. It has even been reported that the absence of mirroring can even produce differences amongst people instead of just inhibiting cohesion.

Neck Rubbing

He's holding himself back by the scruff of the neck.

He’s holding himself back by the scruff of the neck.

The neck hold, scratch or rub is a response to negative feelings. It is a restraint posture as in “holding one’s self back” as one might do to a wily cat or dog by grabbing them by the scruff of the neck. In this case, though, we are doing it to ourselves. While not a full blown emotional displacement posture it does serve to alleviate the negative sensation we have. Like taking medicine fixes illnesses, and an itch fixes a scratch a gesture treats and underlying emotion. Not until we allow ourselves the opportunity to do the gesture can we treat our underlying emotion. This is what makes gestures and postures in body language so predictive of emotional roots. They are connected.

Touching the back of the neck is not the same as touching any other part of the neck such as the side, which can be used as a filler gesture to pause for thought, or the front which can be used to show sexual interest in a dating context. Scratching the back of the neck, rather, is a primitive gesture, that is a response to arrector pili muscles in the scruff that our body uses to make our hair stand on end. The arrector pili are a microscopic band of muscle tissue that connects hair follicles to the skin. When stimulated, the muscles contract and cause the hair to turn upward and perpendicular to the skin surface, or stand on end. While the purpose of the muscles in humans is vestigial, meaning they are an evolutionary throwaway, they were once used to trap air next to the skin to help keep the body warm. Other uses are for display and competition to make the body appear larger and more threatening. You have probably seen a domestic cat put its hair up when challenged by another cat. In porcupines, the muscles contract to bring the quills up as a defense. As a defense, and for heat retention for people, the purpose of the arrector pili is laughable at best, but our bodies still react to cold and fear, even aggression by stimulating the muscles. A cold chill down the spin and “goose bumps” or “goose pimps” is a reference to the same thing. When we reach for our scruff, we are showing an evolutionary throwaway to a time when our hair would have stood on end!

Neck touching can be a positive signal when it's done in the right context - here neck exposure shows comfort and attraction.

Neck touching can be a positive signal when it’s done in the right context – here neck exposure shows comfort and attraction.

Neck touches are therefore, connected with negative thinkers and restraint. To discover the true meaning of the gesture, we need to look at this cue in context accompanied whatever other cues are present. For example, let’s imagine two men in a bar, one of which is yelling and swearing promising to send him to the next county, while the other, much larger and more muscular wearing an official MMA (mixed martial arts) attire, keeps his distance holding his arm to his neck. What is the MMA fighter doing here, is he thinking negative thoughts, or holding himself back from using his fighting skills to defend himself. I think the answer is obvious. The context tells us exactly what is happening. The neck hold, versus a scratch can be in response to making a mistake and trying to take it back as in “Whoops, sorry, that was stupid of me and I won’t do it again.” The neck rub or hold can be seen when being verbally assaulted by a boss, here what is said is “He’s a real pain in the neck.” Even my nine-month-old son thinks I’m a pain in the neck when I won’t let him do something dangerous! Since he’s just little he can’t reach all the way back, so his arm comes up and back at about ear level when I tell him he can’t do something. If he just laughs, I know he hasn’t really taken me seriously. When that happens I re-iterate my instruction making sure he gives me some sort of retrained gesture or given me eye contact.