Tag Archive for Liking

Summary – Chapter 12

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

In this chapter we found that mirroring is one of the quickest and most efficient ways to build rapport with other people. It can be done consciously to gain an advantage and if done properly will go without noticed. It is effective to create liking, acceptance and formulate bonds. We discussed the chameleon affect where unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours occur between people of like minds. We looked at various studies showing that even purposeful mirroring has positive effects, creates and reveals liking in others, and helps gain approval. We found that proper mirroring is unlike the childhood game “copy-cat” where we imitate to irritate.

Proper mirroring, we found, works best by subtly picking up on unconscious gestures such as foot shaking, body scratching, face or hair touching or changes in posture. We discussed that mirroring that includes more dramatic gestures like leaning in, crossing legs, or folding arms, must always be done undetected lest it cause irreversible damage or negative thoughts. Echoing was compared to mirroring, with one key difference. That is, we found that echoing happens when similar postures were taken up, but only after some time had elapsed, rather than immediately as in mirroring. Echoing was therefore described as a more subtle way to build rapport. We found that mirroring can help find common ground during negotiations by creating cooperation and empathy instead of deception.

We also talked about what issues can arise to inhibit mirroring which includes resistance from inward looking people who define themselves by whom they are rather than their associations with others, self monitors who tend to obey their own internal regulators instead of modifying themselves by environment, and the final reason was outlined as outright disagreement. We discussed how mirroring can be matched to create perfect flow through changing dialect, speech rate or tempo, pitch, tonality, voice inflection, use of words and even accent and is called “communication accommodation theory.” We defined perfect speech patterns as “pacing” where information flows uninterrupted and in rhythm. Next we solved the puzzle as to why our pets look like our kids and couples look like each other, how our bosses and superiors call the shots and we should only sometimes mirror them, and how women mirror more than men overall.

What Stops Mirroring?

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Because mirroring is so efficient and useful to us, it should naturally happen across all people in equal proportions and remain consistent across time, but this is far from true. While differences in connectivity happen between various groups of people or cliques, we also feel more connectivity to certain individuals within a group. Therefore, mirroring will have various strengths across various pairings. Over time our goals and needs change too, and so too do our opinions and ideals. So as we develop, our relationships to people also change. The level of rapport we feel with another person affects the level of mirroring, and a lack of liking can even stop mirroring dead. There are many factors that affect mirroring or lack thereof such as inward versus outward looking people, high versus low self monitors, and the goals desired. If mirroring should suddenly turn cold or fail to start at all, we should be aware of possible explanation just in case it is something we can control or fix.

Inward looking people are those that define themselves specifically by virtues or characteristics attributed directly to them. Inward looking people call themselves intelligent, tall or friendly. Outward looking people, on the other hand, create their identity by their social role, the groups they belong to, their friends and relationships. Someone who sees themselves outwardly will say they are a daughter, a mother of a son, an aunt and the coach of a soccer team. Outward looking people will also be more likely to affiliate with others, and will therefore tend to partake much more in mirroring. Inward looking people will be found to resist mirroring, and extremely inward looking people can even become uncomfortable with mirroring. Extreme inward looking people who wish to maintain their identity will show their discomfort by consistently modifying their body positions to become different than their counterparts so as to clearly maintain a line of separation.

Mirroring is also affected by another personality trait called the desire to “self monitor.” Self monitoring is defined as the desire or ability to regulate oneself to fit into any given environment. “High self monitors” are more likely to change their behaviour in lieu of the situation and seem to be less consistent across context. This personality type is more likely to mirror others. “Low self monitors” are just the opposite, and remain pretty much the same across most situations. They don’t tend to feed off others or try to please them by acting differently in order to fit in. They seem less interested in “belonging” to groups and seem hold the same values across settings. Naturally, this type of person tends to mirror others much less.

The final reason for mirroring inhibition stems from having different goals. When ideas differ we want to send a clear message that our minds don’t agree. Mirroring under perceived disagreement can become particularly discomforting and put people on edge. Testing general agreement without using risky verbal dialogue can be done by mirroring our counterpart and verifying the degree to which they accept imitation. If they quickly adopt new postures, than there’s a good chance that they disagree.

Mirroring is reserved for those that are highly motivated to get along with others due to their personality traits coupled with the rewards that are in it for them in particular.

Research Into Purposeful Mirroring

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A 1999 study by Tanya Chartrand and John Bargh, showed that forced mirroring had a positive effect on liking. In this study, half of the time researchers either mimicked or did not mimic subjects. The remaining actions and behaviours remained the same across both groups meaning that the only factor being manipulated was either mimicry or lack thereof. The participants who had been mimicked reported a greater liking and reported that the conversation carried on much smoother then what was reported by subjects that did not receive any mirroring.

Another study showed that mimicry arouse spontaneously amongst strangers. In this study, participants were examined interacting on two separate occasions. In the first session the researcher interacted with the subject while purposely rubbing their face and in the second, they shook their foot. Videotapes of the session showed that the participants mirrored the actions of the researcher, that is, when the researcher rubbed their face, they did too, and when they shook their foot, so too did the subject. At the end of the study, when asked of their awareness of their mannerisms the subjects pleaded ignorance to their mimicry. This suggests that imitation when around others is spontaneous and happens without prompting. In other words, we naturally imitate others.

Dutch researcher Rick van Baaren and colleagues in a 2003 study demonstrated that mirroring leads to a greater sense of closeness between people. In this marketing study, body posture and mannerisms of participants was either imitated or not. Subjects that were mirrored rated the researchers significantly higher on a closeness rating scale. Thus, despite feigned mirroring, subjects still reported greater liking. In a second study it was found that tipping size increased by sixty-eight percent simply by verbally repeated the orders of patron and in a third study, individuals were more likely to help someone who had dropped items when they had been previously mirrored.

Mirroring can therefore be a powerful and practical tool when used deliberately as evidenced by the research. The research suggests that the propensity to mirror is an adaptive way to converse more efficiently and smoothly. Several other studies show us that people are both more likely to imitate others whom they like, and also like those of which they imitate. This has implications on persuasion since liking has a profound effect on our influence of others. The research also tells us that others are not normally aware of the mirroring that is happening around them, nor of the effect mirroring has on their actions and beliefs. In essence, mirroring is an effective and powerful tool which can be used to create bonds, build rapport, and in essence, get what we want from others.

The Chameleon Effect (Mimicry)

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It's like looking into the mirror.

It’s like looking into the mirror – and we see ourselves.  This eases our tension.

A term first coined by Chartrand and Bargh in 1999, the “chameleon effect” refers to the unconscious mimicry of postures, mannerisms, facial expressions, and other behaviours such that one partner in an interaction passively and unintentionally changes his body positions to match that of others. He further describes that this changes are context specific and person specific. There are some key points in this idea. First is that the mirroring happens without conscious awareness, which will become important later as we explore the applications of mirroring. Second, a persons perception of another’s behaviour works to increase the likelihood of it appearing in others.

In other studies it was observed that nonverbal mirroring increased over time within a group of people. Rapport, liking, empathy and group building also increases over time. When students were asked to mirror the nonverbal language of their instructor they reported a stronger sense of involvement with them. It has even been reported that the absence of mirroring can even produce differences amongst people instead of just inhibiting cohesion.

Agreement Indicators

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The head nod is a familiar gesture that happens naturally to show agreement. The nod means that the listener is going along with what is being said but it can also be used as a tool to actively stimulate conversations. Research has shown that head nods can increase the length of time a speaker will spend talking in any given instance by up to three to four times! The length of time we spend talking has a positive effect on the level of liking we have in those we speak to. Used in reverse, nodding can stimulate more talking in others and make them like us even more. This might seem odd, but it’s true! Fast and slow nodding also indicates different things. A slow nod indicates general agreement and that interest is present, whereas a quick head nod shows impatience and a desire to interject.
Proper nodding is done as agreement is formed during conversation, and can be made even more effective by adding several additional nods at the end of the speakers point.

Research has shown that head nodding breads positive thoughts and is hardwired into the brain. In your next conversation simply nod your head and at the same time try to hold negative thoughts, or expressing negative views. Scientific experiments have shown that as the conscious mind invariably gets tired or distracted, the head nodding stops or changes direction. You will face the exact same challenges. Positive emotions are tied directly to positive body language and it is very difficult or even impossible to change these patterns.

Head nodding therefore is a gesture that has a powerful influence to those around us and can be used to create positive feelings. Head nodding creates connectivity in people and shows that what is being said, is being understood. Even if agreement is not present, it shows that a person is at least being heard which can be used to sway agreement in the future on a more important issue. In other words, when agreement isn’t present, you should still agree to disagree!

The Mirror Neuron

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

When people "jive," they are in agreement and this commonality leads to liking.

When people “jive,” they are in agreement, and this commonality leads to liking. In this photo we see a couple mirroring each other by drinking in unison.

The discovery of the mirror neuron happened by accident at the University of Parma in Italy by researchers Giacomo Rizzolatti and Vittorio Gallese. They were studying the planning and movement activity in monkey brains and found that a specific set of neurons responded when monkeys grasped a peanut while other neurons altogether fired when they ate the peanut. When one of the researchers reached for a peanut to give to the monkey, they observed the monkey’s brain react as if it where the monkey who was reaching for it. They found that the same regions of the monkey’s brain activated whether the action was performed by the monkey or if the action was simply observed by the monkey. The mirror neuron was an important discovery, but one that happened completely by chance.

In follow up studies, the mirror neuron has been directly observed in other primates and even birds. Researchers conclude that it very likely exists in the minds of humans as well. However, the mirror neurons in the human brain are much more difficult to study because isolating single neurons is impossible. In animals, the neuron fires when an animal acts and also when they view another animal act. Studies show us that the neuron therefore fires as if the motion was actually performed, when in reality the movement was merely observed. Similarly, brain scans of human’s show that areas of the brain light up when they view others performing actions. These are the same areas that would light up had the action been performed. Today, it is generally agreed that there is no such single neuron at work, but rather a network of neurons working together making the “mirror neuron” a bit of a misnomer.

The origins of the “mirror neuron” might stem from imitative learning. By observing people performing actions we could pick up skills instead of having to learn the actions all on our own. In other words, mirroring allowed us to learn vicariously which is a much quicker way to learn and also less dangerous. Just imagine having to learn to use a sharp knife or chainsaw having never seen one used, nor what either is capable of doing, either to a tomato or tree trunk. Another possible reason for these class of neurons might be related to empathy and emotion since the neurons might help us connect with others. For example, when we view pictures of people who display happiness, disgust, fear or pain, we react to them as if we had felt it ourselves. This ability to connect with people, even strangers, has an important function in our daily lives since it allows us to build and hold relationships, creates sympathy, and inhibit fighting.

Above: The mirror neuron Part I

Above: The mirror neuron Part II