Tag Archive for Intimacy

Comfort and Discomfort Body Language

by  • March 6, 2013 • 1 Comment

Comfort on the left side of the image, discomfort on the right.

Comfort on the left side of the image, discomfort on the right.

We have covered many signals of comfort and discomfort throughout the book and have even eluded to their use in lie detection. To simplify things, I wanted to take the time to cover the cues we can use to detect lying as it relates to comfort and discomfort. We have seen how open and closed language can signal a desire to allow access to the body. Ventral displays shows that a person is open and trusting of someone and this sort of response is difficult when we feel we are hiding emotions. Comfort is displayed through proximity and people do this by moving their torsos closer or leaning inward rather than away and will remove objects that impede their view so as to establish more intimacy.

Comfortable bodies open up and spread out.

Comfortable bodies open up and spread out.

Comfortable people will hold their bodies loose rather than rigid, and their body will move with fluidity. They will gesture with their speech instead of freezing instantly or awkwardly, called “flash frozen.” Sometimes people will slow to catch their thoughts, but this will be obvious to the body language reader and will come at appropriate times and in context when thought is actually required to produce accurate answers. Comfortable people mirror others around them instead of avoiding synchrony. Their breath rate will be similar and they will adopt like postures instead of showing differences.

Bodies show discomfort by increased heart rate, breath rate, sweating, a change in normal colour in the face or neck, trembling or shaking in the hands lips, or elsewhere, compressing the lips, fidgeting, drumming the fingers and other repetitive behaviours. Voices often crack when under stress, mouths might dry up producing noticeable swallowing, “hard swallows”, or frequent throat clearing. Liars might use objects as barriers. They might hold drinking glasses to hide parts of their face or use walls and chairs while standing to lean against to gain support. Liars might engage in eye blocking behaviours by covering their eyes with their hands or seem to talk through them or even squint so as to impede what is being said from entering their minds. The eyes might also begin to flutter or increase in overall blink rate showing an internal struggle.

Drumming fingers, fidgeting, kicking feet and so forth are burning off nervous energy - discomfort.

Drumming fingers, fidgeting, kicking feet and so forth are burning off nervous energy – discomfort.

We’ve hit on the fact that stress creates nonverbal language such as preening to show detachment from a conversation (picking lint), energy displacement gestures such as scratching the body or rubbing the neck or wiping the side of the nose. Palm up displays show that a person has some doubt, and indicates a desire for other to believe them while palm down displays show confidence and authority. Microexpressions can also be particularly revealing since they happen instantaneously and subconsciously. Watch for movements that happen first especially if they are negative in nature as these are more honest than positive body language. Positive language is used by people to appear more in control and polite instead of appearing vulnerable. Fake smiles are an excellent example of an expression that can sometimes be put on to appear to disguise stress. We know smiles are faked when they seem to last for much longer than what would be considered natural.

Lack of touching, or touch reduction also signals discomfort and a divergence of ideas. When people’s ideas differ they find it hard to come close to others as part of the natural fear response. Head movements that are inconsistent with speech such as slightly nodding affirmatively though making a denial or vice versa, or delaying head nodding until after speech is made such that speech and gestures lack synchrony can give liars away. When gestures are done out of sync they tell us that a person is adding the gesture on as support for their statement. The entire affair appears to be out of the normal order of flow in communication which liars can often do. When affirmative nodding happens during denial statements such as nodding “yes” while saying “I did not do it” usually happens very subtly, but is obvious to the conscious observer. Keep in mind while reading these cues that they do not indicate lying per se, but rather indicate discomfort and stress. The job of the body language reader is to decide why a person is stressed. Are they stressed because they are being put on the spot, because they fear being mislabeled, or because they are actually telling lies?

Cooperative Side-By-Side Position

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Chairs on the same side of the table is the "cooperative" seating arrangement as no barrier is present between the participants. It is the most open way of interacting.

Chairs on the same side of the table is the “cooperative” seating arrangement as no barrier is present between the participants. It is the most open way of interacting.

The cooperative position contrasts the casual corner position with a side-by-side orientation on the same side of the table rather than kitty-corner or cross-corner. There are two possible arrangements for the side-by-side and the variants determine the level of connectivity and interaction between two people. When the chairs are facing forward, or toward the table, it slightly inhibits eye contact decreasing the level of sharing. This orientation shows that there is some cooperation but that it’s not complete. When chairs are facing forward in this manner, it is usually because it is assumed that people are already a part of your team and the two of you are facing off against another party.

A second orientation happens when collaborating on a project. Here, the chairs will (and should) be turned at forty-five degrees toward each other. This arrangement represents intimacy since there is no barrier to interfere with the sharing of information. Working on a common goal, a project or presentation are a few examples of when it’s best to use this arrangement. Intimate couples will also choose this position at restaurants except where moving the chairs about is not permitted. Other couples fail to see this and instead choose competitive arrangements as if they are on job interviews, or are facing off against each other in twenty questions!

There are times when sitting on the same side of the table can appear too intimate, as if invading someone else’s space. One can begin by taking up positions across the table and then finding an excuse to pass documents across it. After some time, moving to the other side of the table and sitting down to clarify the information provides enough of a reason to bridge the gap between people and being fostering intimacy.

Casual Corner Position

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The "casual corner" seating arrangement is best in business as it the table provides are partial barrier, yet does not prevent people from interacting together effectively.

The “casual corner” seating arrangement is best in business as it the table provides are partial barrier, yet does not prevent people from interacting together effectively.

The casual corner position is most appropriate to preserve closeness between people, but at the same time offers a partial barrier. The barrier in this case, is the corner of the table. If chairs are directly facing the table, it avoids direct eye contact, but if preferred, the chairs can face one another across the corner of the table to make sharing of information easier. This seating position is unique because it neatly allows for independent thought, but the proximity still permits intimacy.

When presenting new information to a client or trying to “sell them”, this is the most preferred orientation. It is also a useful way to conduct an interview without coming off as aggressive or competitive. In studies when students were asked to choose a seating arrangement that permitted conversation, this was the most often chosen arrangement.

How We Know Why We Meet

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It should be immediately obvious what the true purpose is for meeting based on the type of seating provided. A formal setting that is boardroom-like with status icons means that serious business is at hand, whereas a couch with a coffee table signifies much less urgent matters. When we meet formally, relationship building is not the aim, more casual meetings build relationships, so we should either plan or act accordingly. If the boss calls the meeting, we should know what is up before we even get there so we know what to expect.

Seating arrangements are a big part in how the meeting will transpire. For example, facing one another means that ideas are divisive and that party’s are probably unwilling to change, or if desired we can even foster more competition by artificially creating this arrangement. Perhaps not useful under the average circumstance, but effective non-the-less for lawyers who wish to milk clients dry by stretching out legal disputes! Sitting at forty-five degrees and on the same side means that ideas are informal and group minded where cooperation is sought. Smaller tables create more intimacy and group building, whereas larger tables emphasis more independence and creativity. More of this is covered in the chapter on seating arrangements. For now let’s focus on possible hidden agendas with respect to how we sit.

There are three basic reasons for meeting, they are ‘affiliation’ to build group cohesion, ‘achievement’ to get things done, and ‘power’ to emphasis control. Who calls the meeting and who is in charge will depend on how the meeting will be organized. To go along with the three types of meetings, there are three types of people in business. They are the ‘affiliator’ the ‘achiever’ and the ‘power player’. The affiliator is interested in building relationships, they arrive early and make a point of checking in with everyone and making sure everyone is happy and taken care of. They smile often and make eye contact frequently. They will set up meetings to foster cooperation and will often stay behind to answer any questions. The achiever will arrive on time and won’t want to waste a minute. If he talks before the meeting it will be because it was important and he’ll sit closest the person with the highest rank. They often show up well prepared with note pad, fact sheets, and so forth. They keep time, don’t stray off topic and leave as soon as the meeting is over. The final type, the power player is someone that arrive slightly late, spends most of his time with other leaders, and will try to sit where he can influence the most people possible. This person will also interrupt others more often, and they will stay right until everyone has left so as not to miss something, or miss out on important decisions.

Paying attention to who is running the meetings will tell us the goals of the meetings since not everyone is upfront about their purpose. Each meeting should begin by assessing where they sit, and why, as well as the types of personalities they have. As leaders, we can also manipulate the strengths of those around us for our own success. For example, you can use the affiliator initially and at the end to build group cohesion, the achiever to direct the middle of the meeting to get things done, and finally employ the power player to identify any potential pit-falls or struggles within the group.

Handshake Conclusion

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It’s obvious to most that the extremities of the handshakers are most undesirable with the middle ground making the best impressions. Most people would have experienced at least five of the ten types of handshakes listed here, hopefully being spared of the most traumatic, that is, the ones that cause pain such as the bone crusher or death grip. The worse I’ve ever endured was a combination of a short grabber combined with a bone crusher. Whenever I meet this person I tried to trust forward to get as much finger into this persons hand as possible or try to avoid the handshake altogether! Women also seem to be particularly prone to thrusting just their fingers forward and in turn receive an unwelcomingly firm handshake by a clutch of fingers and palms wrapped around their little fingers. They’d be best served to keep their fingers together and thrust the whole lot forward instead of just the tips.

Ingredients of a good handshake includes raising your hand when about three feet away from the other person, keeping your hand vertical with the thumb pointing upwards, making a firm grip of the other person’s hand, shaking web-to-web rather then finger to web, maintain eye contact and shaking for a maximum of three times then letting go. A firm handshake gives the impression of quiet confidence and says that “I’m happy to meet you” yet portrays a person as having a no “non-sense” attitude. As the other person releases their grip pressure be sure to let go of their hand rather than holding on for longer than necessary. Holding the hand at the completion of the handshake can convey added emphasis and intimacy, but it is also risky. This is especially important in business where first impressions can often set the tone for the entire relationship. Fortunately handshakes are learned behaviours and not inherent making it easily corrected when the proper formula is adopted.

The Ten Steps To Intimacy

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When men and women initiate intimacy they always follow a very specific pattern. While the list isn’t entirely rigid it represents the most universally comfortable way men and women come together. There are cases when some of the steps are skipped, but in most cases, they are simply accelerated making it appear as though steps went missing. While I have no experience with adult movies, I have been told that even therein, men and women follow these steps closely. Here are the ten steps to creating intimacy.

The arm over the shoulder is in

Hand touches shoulder. This form of touching is risky because it implies
some from of connection. If absent, can still be rebuffed with minimal damage and embarrassment, but still breaches personal space boundaries.

[A] Eye to body. The eyes first make contact with the lower part of the body, but hit the face in general, the assets – buttocks and crotch, chest or breast, the legs of women and the overall build of men. If both see mutual attraction they continue to the next step.
[B] Eye to eye. Mutual eye contact is established which includes a long intimate gaze where the eyes travel over the face including the lips.
[C] Hand touches hand. Light touching of the hand, or hand-holding is often the first way distance is breeched. The hand is intimate, yet risk-free, unlike say the breasts or the genitals! Other acceptable first touches include incidental touches such as an elbow, forearm or task directed actions such as helping to put on a coat.
[D] Hand touches shoulder. This form of touching is risky because it implies
some from of connection. If absent, can still be rebuffed with minimal damage and embarrassment, but still breaches personal space boundaries.
[E] Arm encircles waist. In this step, the arm is lowered closer to the genitals so is more intimate. This form of touching, since it requires permission and attraction, which may or may not be present, is highly risky and can spell disaster if not welcomed. However, if it is accepted, it can be used as a test to move quickly to the following step.
[F] Mouth touches mouth. This step is fairly self explanatory but is a huge milestone in a relationship. Most women remember their first kiss long after men do, but even if men forget the exact details after some time, they will always recall their conquest! When two people kiss they exchange a lot more than just spit. Chemicals in the saliva are linked to taste and if things don’t jive at this moment, everything can unravel, and quickly. Women are often heard saying “things weren’t right” or that “he was a bad kisser” and it usually has to do with pheromones they find unattractive, rather than his lack of skill. Women will let men they find attractive kiss sloppily, but mediocre men need to perform at a higher level while kissing! It has been postulated by researchers that if the unique chemical signature of men and women is too closely alike, attraction fails to materialize, most probably due to a desire to avoid inbreeding. Family members carry similar genes and therefore give off similar odors signatures and so kissing is one way to test things out before getting too heavy.
[G] Hand touches head. The head is a vulnerable part of the body so we only allow those we really trust to get close enough to play with our hair or ears or whatever. Touching and stroking the hair, plays an intimate and important role in kissing, especially the good kind of kissing.
[H] Hand touches body. Having passed all the tests listed above, couples will permit each other to explore various parts of their body, at the exclusion of the breasts and crotch and usually touching happens over the clothes. Sometimes brief forays may be permitted, but this sort of intimacy still requires caution. Touching includes stroking, fondling, tickling, caressing and are precursors to sexual intimacy. If all goes well, both bodies will become aroused to the point of no return, pushing them into the next step.
[J] Mouth touches body. Included in this step is hand under clothing. Usually either mouth or hands are permitted to touch the body. This step opens up fondling of the breasts under the clothes, and usually even permits the touching of the genitals over the clothes.
[K] Hand caresses genitals and genitals touches genitals. From steps H onward, body language lacks a visual component and so people usually dim the lights, turn them out altogether or close their eyes so they can eliminate distraction and shift their focus onto their sense of touch and smell. Intercourse is a primal activity so requires just the right ingredients in just the right ratios to work. If something isn’t quite right, then the sequence can be broken at any one stage, even at the last minute, or so I’m told!

Kiss Test And Stages In Intimacy

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Puckered lips means a woman is thinking about her lips - this might mean that she's interested in a kiss.

Puckered lips means a woman is thinking about her lips – this might mean that she’s interested in a kiss.

All nonverbal signals begin from the same origin; thoughts. The kiss is no different since it begins with a desire to take a very intimate and important step in a relationship. As arousal occurs, women will begin to draw attention to their mouths, but not just to deliver a message, it is to alleviate tension that is building. Women interested in kissing will release this energy by touching their mouth more frequently, say with a finger or by mouthing an object. They might pout by compressing their lips or they will apply lip gloss or lip stick. Escalation of these signals includes direct eye contact or glances toward the man’s mouth. Remember that looking in the direction of interest is difficult to resist and when a kiss is envisioned, it is the mouth that gets the looks. While holding hands, a quick kiss-test happens by measured response of a hand-squeeze; if he squeezes and she squeezes back, there is a good chance a kiss would be well received.

The Types Of Hugs

by  • March 6, 2013 • 6 Comments

An intimate hug is obvious be checking the distance between the hips. The smaller the distance, the more intimacy is present. When we hug grandma, we might only touch shoulders and lean in!

An intimate hug is obvious by checking the distance between the hips. The smaller the distance, the more intimacy is present. When we hug grandma, we might only touch shoulders by leaning in!

There are two types of hugs and each one indicates a different level of intimacy. The first is called the “full body hug” and is reserved for sexual partners. This type of hug is characterized by full chest to chest and hip to hip contact. Since the bodies are so tightly pressed together, the genitals might also touch incidentally. The second type of huge is the “light social hug”, the main hug for acquaintances and friends, and happens when the shoulders come together as the torso hunches forward, but the hips remain apart.

Hugs have a secondary hidden meaning as well. The longer the hug, the more intimate and affectionate is the relationship. A pat at the end of the hug indicates that one party would like to “submit” from the hug and terminate it. This gesture is similar to the actions wrestlers to do “tap out.” Taps also show feigned or meaningless hugs, or even unwelcome hugs, especially if the tap happens early. Most people think tapping while hugging shows comfort, but sexually romantic partners and close family members do not pat, they embrace deeply and squeeze tight.

The hips, during a hug, also have a very significant hidden meaning. That meaning is conveyed directly through the distance to which they remain separated and that distance tells us a lot about the type of relationship two people have. Hugs that happen between family and friends will have at least six inches between the pelvic regions of each person, whereas hugs from lovers have no, or very little space between the hips. The torsos of lovers also move tightly into each other’s intimate zones enveloping each other. The degree to which hips remain separate, or rear-ends are extended outward, whichever you prefer, and the amount of contact that takes place in the upper chest, tells us what degree of intimacy is present between huggers. Light hugs as we saw, can include only light shoulder contact, and in extreme light hugging, the bodies might not press together at all. The arms and hands might form a closed loop from shoulder to shoulder “around” them, but the chest and shoulders might only seem to move slightly closer, or seem to bob in quickly before moving out, not coming any closer than a foot. The hidden language of hugs can tell us a lot about the relationships around us, even potentially juicy ones like those brewing amongst staff members. A careful eye at the next social affair might uncover some cheeky relationships!

When Men’s Eyes Meet Women’s Eyes – The Intimate Gaze

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

The eye's of lovers.

The eye’s of lovers.

If the eyes of men and women meet and there is a spark, the eyes will follow specific patterns across the face to form an intimate gaze. Initially there will be a quick burst to establish interest, than the eyes will be quickly averted. Women will show interest by breaking eye contact downward versus to the left or right. Looking left or right is seen as “stealing a look” where one either, wishes not to be caught, or is simply scanning the room. Stealing looks is what married men do when they notice attractive women. Since married men have no true intention of pursuing, they look covertly so as to avoid detection of their spouse and that which has gained their temporary interest. In other words, they steal looks for their own sake and wish to pay no price for its sake.
This is why interested women will be found to avoid looking left or right so as not to appear to be stealing looks. Looking down to break eye contact is sexy because it’s coy, submissive and teasing. Looking down punctuates sexual interest. Looking sideways is a willful indication that one is scanning the room entirely and is not checking someone else out. Although at times, a sideways look will show timidity about being caught or that one isn’t ready to reveal their true interests.

If interest is mutual and conversation arises, scanning of the face will take place. The eyes will form a pattern from a triangular pattern from eye to eye and down to the mouth or chin. The eyes will also wander briefly to other parts of the face, but the vast majority of time will be spent looking at the eyes and mouth. Gaze duration during intimacy lasts in bouts of approximately four to five seconds. When the eyes finally do leave the face they will check out the rest of the body, to examine clothing, overall build, jewelry and rings. Both sexes, despite social norms, will glance over more intimate areas of the body such as the crotch and breasts. Men tend to check women out from the ground up, starting from the legs, then to the crotch, torso, breasts, shoulders, then face. The vast majority of women find being scanned by men to be a turn-off, however, studies show that women habitually check men out just as often, they simply do it much more discretely.

Gazing

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Avoiding eye contact shows disagreement.

Avoiding eye contact shows disagreement.

Eye contact and gaze are some of the most salient nonverbal behaviours in human interaction. It is the first connection a mother has with her infant and the first interaction that infant has with anyone. Through gazing forms a very powerful and special bond between mother and infant. However, even mothers differ in their strength and frequency of gaze with their children. Affectionate mothers will go out of their way to kneel so as to bring their eyes into level, whereas, less affectionate mothers tend to lean forward instead and use gaze much less frequently. These experiences from early development formulate our norms which can persist throughout our lives. Only with conscious effort can we change them, but first we must understand the purpose and function of gaze and also what good gaze habits really are.

Over the course of a typical day, eye gaze can reveal cues to interest, attention, affiliation, intimacy, approval, dominance, aggression and openness to personal involvement. Gaze happens in a much different way than a stare. Stares are like daggers, shooting invisible arrows into the face of another. A gaze is inviting and a display of warmth. A gaze includes the attachment of a positive emotion which men sometimes have difficulty with. Lovers are particularly adept at gazing, with bouts sometimes lasting for several minutes, other times even much longer. As early as six children seem to pick up that eye contact and gaze indicate a connection. Young girls tend to realize it sooner than young boys and women tend to enjoy gaze more than men and so use eye contact and gaze more readily. Additionally, women will hold eye-gaze for longer periods of time than men, which is most evident when women gaze at other women.

Gazing is eye language that can take up various meaning depending on how it is done. The “face-gaze” happens when one person directs their eyes at another person’s face. “Eye-gaze”, on the other hand, happens when the gaze is directed toward the eyes of another but of which that person might not reciprocate. “Mutual-gaze” happens when two people look each other’s faces which might include bouts of eye-gaze and “eye-contact” refers to two people looking directly into each other’s eyes. Other forms of gaze include “omission”, defined as a failure to look at someone without intending to and “avoidance”, in which a person purposely prevents eye contact. Most are familiar with “staring”, but to be sure, we define it as a persistent look that occurs regardless of what another person is doing. Simply defining the types of gazes and eye contact likely evoke some pretty strong feelings which can be positive as in the case of mutual gaze or negative as in the stare. Prolonged eye contact early in a loosely established relationship is almost always taken negatively, or with hostility, and decoded by others as offensive. We may even think prolonged eye contact is a result of projected dislike or even disapproval of others, even when it is the result of affection or attraction. Holding gaze for as little as three seconds longer than normal can come across as over-assertiveness and create contempt. However, because we aren’t always aware of eye contact consciously, others won’t be able to describe the reason for their feelings which is why the use of gaze needs to be taken seriously.