Tag Archive for Gaze

Summary – Chapter 5

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It was all about the eyes in this chapter. We covered the friendly gaze where the eyes travel in a triangular pattern from eye to eye then to the mouth, the intimate gaze where the vast majority of time is spend looking at the eyes and mouth and the business gaze where eighty to ninety percent of the time is spent with direct eye contact and where the eyes never go below the neckline.

Next we covered how certain eye contact can be threatening, how to put your best side forward and how to avoid an attack by switching off the attack response. When looked at pupillometrics, or the study of pupil size in relation to emotion and we saw that larger pupils both signal attractiveness and interest. Having covered the basics it was time to put eye language into practice with the room encompassing glance, a clear signal of female interest, how blink rate can signal stress, an extended blink can be offputting and how the double wink can be sexy. Eye blocking was emphasized as a negative cue done to avoid harmful images or thoughts, and hit on eye flashes, eye widening and flashbulb eyes all carrying their own unique nonverbal message.

We found that by tilting the head at forty five degrees and looking upwards women can display the come-hither look invoking feelings of protectiveness in men. We also found that eye size was related to attractiveness and this was measured through research. Next we looked at shifty eyes and how they can predict stress, but not necessarily lying per se, looking askance to send “the look”, stealing looks and what it means, and how to properly address an audience through eye contact. NLP, we saw, refers to neuro-linguistic programming which is a system developed to induce behavioural changes and improve communication and derives its value by reaching for defined positive outcomes through identifying the roots by which thoughts affect images and sound or feelings. We then learned that NLP can help us predict things. For example, we saw that for most right-handed people, eye movement up and to the left is a signal of accessing a visual memory, movement up and right means that a person is trying to construct a visual image. Eyes either right or left, but still level, indicate an auditory process such as remembering sounds and words. Down and left indicate internal dialogue or self talk and down and right indicate a tactile or visceral feeling. When the eyes are straight ahead, unfocused or dilated they signal visual or any sensory information.

We also learned that there are three main ways in which people learn new information; auditory (spoken words) twenty five percent, kinesthetic (touch) forty percent and visual (images) thirty five percent. We also saw that eye direction has meaning where eyes focused straight ahead means passive receiving of information and eyes down means emotionally concentrating. From there we hit on appropriate eye contact during an interview and while communicating, the eyebrow and eye flash and what they mean and how they can be used.

Audience Eye Contact

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When presenting to an audience it can be intimidating to hold eye contact, but it’s a necessary condition for delivering a message effectively. Eye contact need not be met with each individual person in an extremely large audience because most people won’t be able to distinguish specific eye direction anyway. Depending on the size of the crowd and the distance at which the presenter speaks, eye contact made at one person might seem to be directed at as many as five or even fifteen people surrounding them.

To make eye contact easier when addressing a crowd, you should centre out someone that you find less intimidating as the first person to make eye contact with. As people make their way into the room and as you organize, you’ll have plenty of time to centre someone out. Generally, this person should be at the center of the audience. Next you should choose at least one person in every corner of the room from which you can jump back in forth over the course of the presentation. If you find this intimidating, you can choose inanimate objects such as an exit sign or an empty chair to focus on or you can direct your gaze above their eyes such as to their foreheads or their hair instead. Your introduction is your first impression and is therefore the most crucial time during the presentation to make eye contact.

As the size of the group grows, it becomes more difficult to make a solid connection, making eye contact even more important. The nature of addressing larger groups says that we generally address them from further away than we would a smaller group. This is especially the case for groups larger than fifty. Groups with two, to about fifteen, should make it easy to make eye contact with everyone, so a good solid attempt should be made to do just that. If you accomplish this, the impression will be the strongest possible. You never really know which people will yield the most constructive interactions at the end of your presentation, so you will want to keep all avenues open.

While answering a question be sure to hold eye contact with the inquirer directly, rather than the audience at larger, especially when you first begin to respond. If the material turns into something that is of general audience interest, feel free to resume eye contact with the rest of the people. Eye contact should be held with each audience member momentarily instead of shifting from person to person hastily. Ideally, you will shift your view from person to person to emphasis points or transitions in your speech. Your rate of speech should be slower than the rate at which you would speak to a friend since any missed information can’t be easily or quickly clarified with questions. Also be sure to vary the rate of your speech, the tone and the pitch thereby avoiding monotony.

Stealing Looks

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We’ve all done it. We’ve all checked someone out without them being aware. Even girls do it to check our rival females or a particularly hunky guy. Women think men are the only ones, but that is only because science has show us that men’s peripheral vision is so much less broad then women’s. Since women can see much more of what is going on without other’s being aware, they appear less obvious and get caught less easily. When men look, they zero in as if they are tracking a prey animal and so appear to stare. As a sexy women walks past, men’s eyes almost universally drop down to the women’s behind. However, if men could sacrifice just one gaze and keep it affixed to the women they are with, they will notice that they too have noticed the other women’s behind. The only point of difference is that while men only notice the rear end, women noticed both the rear end and also that her man’s eyes dropped to check it out! If women didn’t really notice both, how would they know what men were actually looking at!

Stealing looks can happen more discretely too. Out of the corner of our eye, we spot a sexy blonde or tall handsome man so our eyes look to the side quickly while our head remains motionless. Without skipping a beat we continue in our conversation because we don’t want to acknowledge our shallow curiousity. We might even drop our heads to inspect our hands (a slight of hand in magic) or our meal in order to divert witnesses. Then, if desired we cast our eyes back if we feel particularly compelled to act sneaky. More often though, we steal looks in an effort not to be noticed by the ones we steal from.

What is the hidden meaning behind stealing a look? The answer is simple, it’s context specific! Performed by a married man checking out attractive woman, for example, it can indicate sexual interest under secrecy. In this case, the interest is normally benign; the look is concealed such that he wants no one to know because he does not intend to pursue his interest. In other words, it’s just an idle curiosity. For a woman checking out another woman, it might indicate jealousy or competitiveness as she is seen as a rival. If it occurs in combination with down-turned eyebrows, furrowed brows, or a frown it could mean hostility, suspicion or a critical attitude. With the combination of the lips pressed firmly together it might indicate a suspicious or questioning attitude. The eyes might also be used to subtly draw the attention of our company onto the others without them being aware so we might include them in negative conversation or gossip. As in, “I heard about the new girl Julie (in a whispering voice)” then motioning twice in succession with the eyes in the direction of Julie to indicate exactly who is being spoken about. Finally, stealing looks might be simply used to satisfy a flat out curiousity of which we don’t want others from which we steal from to notice. In this case, we don’t want them to have the satisfaction of knowing that they peak our interest so it might build their confidence even further while making us appear desperate or of lower status. Obviously this is just a small list of the possible reasons for look stealing, each one being context specific and requiring additional cues to properly solve.

The Room Encompassing Glance

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There's no mystery in these eyes.

There’s no mystery in these eyes.

The room encompassing glance is a sexual signal performed by women interested in being pursued. More specifically, it is done by women who are “checking out” potential suitors and it is done totally unconsciously as is most all other body language. It is very subtle and also very specific. The glance occurs by first casting her eyes around the room for five to ten seconds. If she spots someone she is interested in, she will take a second look. This second glance is not directed at the entire room, but rather in the direction of a specific man. It will be short, and she will rotate her head twenty-five to forty degrees to the side then look away, usually downward, within about three seconds. Women usually continue this behavior until they meet their target’s eyes. At this point, the target and the woman will hold a mutual gaze lasting about three seconds which is normally broken by the woman. It should be noted also that most men are fairly clueless in reading this signal and usually miss it. If women wish to make it more powerful and obvious they should add a slight smile. The light bulb usually goes off with this more overt signal.

The Business Gaze

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When engaging people in business it is important to hold the correct eye contact. Eye contact begins as soon as you wish to engage someone, but doesn’t happen continuously and in varies with whom you speak with. In fact, eye contact should be held about eighty to ninety percent of the time when men and women speak or when women speak to each other, but when men speak to each other, eye contact should be held only about sixty to seventy percent of the time.

If gaze is held for too long while men and women speak, men will evoke feelings of discomfort in women whereas women will evoke feelings of sexual interest, context permitting or dominance. If eye contact between men and women is any less than the eighty to ninety percent benchmark, both sexes will read disinterest. On the other hand if gaze is held too long amongst men, it is read as aggression, or if too short, as a lack of confidence or shiftiness. Women who wish to level the field in business can use gaze to their advantage by holding it longer than normal to increase their dominance or conversely can invoke protective feelings in men to gain resources by showing less eye contact and hence appearing more submissive. Women who increase gaze time while speaking with men will make them feel much more insecure and uneasy than that which would be caused by men against women. Men are not accustomed to taking on submissive roles especially when in the company of women, thus any women who wishes to use this tactic should be prepared. Women should always use their discretion and take their rank into consideration to decide which type of gaze is most appropriate.

As we have seen thus far, eye contact indicates that we have someone’s attention or that we are paying attention. We also discovered that while eye contact is important, we shouldn’t hold eye contact for too long lest we appear to be staring or overly dominant and while we are in the company of friends or lovers we might check out the rest of their overall physic, their clothing, their shoes and so forth, doing so in a business setting is not recommended. As noted previously, the friendly gaze travels a triangular pattern from eye to eye and then to the mouth, whereas the intimate gazes travels the same pattern with forays to the lower regions of the body in order to be “sized up”.

In business, it is important not to cast our gaze below the neckline so as not to appear sexually interested. Most of the business gaze is spent traveling from eye to eye and down only as far as the nose. The goal of the business gaze is to show interest and intensity but omit any sexual indicators. To convey an even greater seriousness, the eyes should travel from eye to eye then to the forehead, but never any lower. If you note any up and down gaze patterns from an opposite sex employer, you can be fairly certain they have more than just business on their mind! Also, men with female bosses should never allow their eyes to travel over their boss’s body unless they wish to convey sexual interest (and are prepared for the repercussions that might stem from it!). For every other encounter that is undefined or undetermined use the gaze pattern most likely to yield the response you desire. So if you wish to create friends, use the friendship gaze pattern or if you fancy someone, create intimacy with the intimacy gaze pattern and make eye forays across the face, to the lips and down to the crotch or breasts but if you want to keep it professional, keep all gaze around the eyes, nose and forehead.

When Men’s Eyes Meet Women’s Eyes – The Intimate Gaze

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The eye's of lovers.

The eye’s of lovers.

If the eyes of men and women meet and there is a spark, the eyes will follow specific patterns across the face to form an intimate gaze. Initially there will be a quick burst to establish interest, than the eyes will be quickly averted. Women will show interest by breaking eye contact downward versus to the left or right. Looking left or right is seen as “stealing a look” where one either, wishes not to be caught, or is simply scanning the room. Stealing looks is what married men do when they notice attractive women. Since married men have no true intention of pursuing, they look covertly so as to avoid detection of their spouse and that which has gained their temporary interest. In other words, they steal looks for their own sake and wish to pay no price for its sake.
This is why interested women will be found to avoid looking left or right so as not to appear to be stealing looks. Looking down to break eye contact is sexy because it’s coy, submissive and teasing. Looking down punctuates sexual interest. Looking sideways is a willful indication that one is scanning the room entirely and is not checking someone else out. Although at times, a sideways look will show timidity about being caught or that one isn’t ready to reveal their true interests.

If interest is mutual and conversation arises, scanning of the face will take place. The eyes will form a pattern from a triangular pattern from eye to eye and down to the mouth or chin. The eyes will also wander briefly to other parts of the face, but the vast majority of time will be spent looking at the eyes and mouth. Gaze duration during intimacy lasts in bouts of approximately four to five seconds. When the eyes finally do leave the face they will check out the rest of the body, to examine clothing, overall build, jewelry and rings. Both sexes, despite social norms, will glance over more intimate areas of the body such as the crotch and breasts. Men tend to check women out from the ground up, starting from the legs, then to the crotch, torso, breasts, shoulders, then face. The vast majority of women find being scanned by men to be a turn-off, however, studies show that women habitually check men out just as often, they simply do it much more discretely.

The Friendly Social Gaze

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When friends talk to one another they aren’t trying to peer into their souls, rather, they gaze. The gaze is non-threatening and like the intimate gaze, which follows, the eyes travel over the face in a specific pattern. In the friendly gaze, the eyes travel in a triangular pattern from eye to eye then to the mouth with some infrequent looks to the rest of the body. The reason we cast our eyes infrequently over other parts of the body is simply due to the reason that it is of less interest and of less value in friendship which is just the opposite of that which happens in the intimate gaze. With friends, gaze is brief, lasting only about three seconds followed by looking away. The research tells us that about seventy-five percent of the time eyes travel through the triangular pattern from the eyes to the mouth, ten percent of the time is spent on forays to the forehead and hair, and five percent to the chin, with the remaining time split on various other features.

After a period of gaze or mutual eye-contact both people will avert their eyes downward instead of left, right or upward. But if you are really in a comedic mood and want to put the fright into someone, break your eye contact by quickly looking up and taking a step backwards! They will most certainly think that something is about to fall on them which is the likely reason we rarely look up when breaking eye contact. Looking down, on the other hand is a symbol of submission whereas looking left or right can imply disinterest (or interest in something else), or a desire to withdraw from the conversation. Looking past or ‘through’ someone, by having an expressionless face, and unblinking eyes has the same affect, it places importance on other things aside from the conversation at hand. Of course, and as mentioned previously, feelings associated with improper eye contact is noted and held subconsciously, since for most people they are out of the normal range of awareness. That being said, people will attach powerful feelings and judgments to us based on how we use eye contact during conversation regardless of our true personalities.

The extreme end of negative thoughts and feelings related to eye contact comes from prolonged periods of unbroken eye contact – staring!

Space And Eye Contact

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Eye contact avoidance tells others that we aren't interested in what's being sold.

Eye contact avoidance tells others that we aren’t interested in what’s being sold.

You can imagine that strangers walking about in public want to maintain a certain degree of separation between one another. This can and is achieved through eye contact. Reducing or preventing eye contact is a way to tell other people that they wish to maintain their space and privacy, and do not wish to communicate with others. Eye contact is a function of intimacy and has been referred to as part of the equilibrium state. That is, eye contact is one component that controls the degree of intimacy, the other is distance. By controlling one or the other, or both, we can control aspects of our equilibrium state, or intimacy, such as whether it will start at all, and how or when it should end. You can imagine that full intimacy can not happen at great distances although telephones and web technology attempt to do otherwise. Each fails miserably and does intimacy no justice.

As distance increases, intimacy decreases so you can imagine that strangers would feel freer to glare at others from say, across the road, but as they near the point at which they intersect they will drop or avert their eyes so as to eliminate intimacy. Therefore, that which gives permission for staring is distance and that which protects intimacy is eye contact. To have real intimacy both proximity and eye contact must be present. By this argument, city people aren’t rude at all, they are just doing what is normal, avoiding unwanted intimacy from strangers. Rural settings where there is a real possibility that you actually know the person on the street, or know a relative of the person is large, so intimacy is not only permitted by also safe. Eye contact in the city can send the wrong message to the wrong person inviting unwanted contact.

To illustrate this point imagine a women who is happily married but otherwise attractive to men. Upon entering a coffee shop, she turns the heads of men. When she notices that she is being watched, she averts her gaze and instead of making eye contact she ‘looks over the heads of others’ or possibly even looking down her nose at them by tilting her head backward showing disapproval. She sends a disinterested message, an “I’m taken.” If startled, she might inadvertently make eye contact with a stranger but she will instinctively drop her head and avert her gaze sideways, being careful to make no emotion facial expressions. In doing so, she avoids emitting the wrong message and therefore prevents unwanted solicitation. Men are often victims of assuming any eye contact is flirtatious, even if it happens by accident, thus women are generally careful of whom they look at directly. Some women learn this through a bad experience; others seem to know it instinctively. Men can test this out for themselves by trying to secure eye contact with women as they pass them on the street. Men are rarely able to secure eye contact from strangers and it’s usually not for a lack of trying.