Tag Archive for Forty Five Degrees

Cooperative Side-By-Side Position

Chairs on the same side of the table is the "cooperative" seating arrangement as no barrier is present between the participants.  It is the most open way of interacting.

Chairs on the same side of the table is the “cooperative” seating arrangement as no barrier is present between the participants. It is the most open way of interacting.

The cooperative position contrasts the casual corner position with a side-by-side orientation on the same side of the table rather than kitty-corner or cross-corner. There are two possible arrangements for the side-by-side and the variants determine the level of connectivity and interaction between two people. When the chairs are facing forward, or toward the table, it slightly inhibits eye contact decreasing the level of sharing. This orientation shows that there is some cooperation but that it’s not complete. When chairs are facing forward in this manner, it is usually because it is assumed that people are already a part of your team and the two of you are facing off against another party.

A second orientation happens when collaborating on a project. Here, the chairs will (and should) be turned at forty-five degrees toward each other. This arrangement represents intimacy since there is no barrier to interfere with the sharing of information. Working on a common goal, a project or presentation are a few examples of when it’s best to use this arrangement. Intimate couples will also choose this position at restaurants except where moving the chairs about is not permitted. Other couples fail to see this and instead choose competitive arrangements as if they are on job interviews, or are facing off against each other in twenty questions!

There are times when sitting on the same side of the table can appear too intimate, as if invading someone else’s space. One can begin by taking up positions across the table and then finding an excuse to pass documents across it. After some time, moving to the other side of the table and sitting down to clarify the information provides enough of a reason to bridge the gap between people and being fostering intimacy.

How We Know Why We Meet

It should be immediately obvious what the true purpose is for meeting based on the type of seating provided. A formal setting that is boardroom-like with status icons means that serious business is at hand, whereas a couch with a coffee table signifies much less urgent matters. When we meet formally, relationship building is not the aim, more casual meetings build relationships, so we should either plan or act accordingly. If the boss calls the meeting, we should know what is up before we even get there so we know what to expect.

Seating arrangements are a big part in how the meeting will transpire. For example, facing one another means that ideas are divisive and that party’s are probably unwilling to change, or if desired we can even foster more competition by artificially creating this arrangement. Perhaps not useful under the average circumstance, but effective non-the-less for lawyers who wish to milk clients dry by stretching out legal disputes! Sitting at forty-five degrees and on the same side means that ideas are informal and group minded where cooperation is sought. Smaller tables create more intimacy and group building, whereas larger tables emphasis more independence and creativity. More of this is covered in the chapter on seating arrangements. For now let’s focus on possible hidden agendas with respect to how we sit.

There are three basic reasons for meeting, they are ‘affiliation’ to build group cohesion, ‘achievement’ to get things done, and ‘power’ to emphasis control. Who calls the meeting and who is in charge will depend on how the meeting will be organized. To go along with the three types of meetings, there are three types of people in business. They are the ‘affiliator’ the ‘achiever’ and the ‘power player’. The affiliator is interested in building relationships, they arrive early and make a point of checking in with everyone and making sure everyone is happy and taken care of. They smile often and make eye contact frequently. They will set up meetings to foster cooperation and will often stay behind to answer any questions. The achiever will arrive on time and won’t want to waste a minute. If he talks before the meeting it will be because it was important and he’ll sit closest the person with the highest rank. They often show up well prepared with note pad, fact sheets, and so forth. They keep time, don’t stray off topic and leave as soon as the meeting is over. The final type, the power player is someone that arrive slightly late, spends most of his time with other leaders, and will try to sit where he can influence the most people possible. This person will also interrupt others more often, and they will stay right until everyone has left so as not to miss something, or miss out on important decisions.

Paying attention to who is running the meetings will tell us the goals of the meetings since not everyone is upfront about their purpose. Each meeting should begin by assessing where they sit, and why, as well as the types of personalities they have. As leaders, we can also manipulate the strengths of those around us for our own success. For example, you can use the affiliator initially and at the end to build group cohesion, the achiever to direct the middle of the meeting to get things done, and finally employ the power player to identify any potential pit-falls or struggles within the group.

How We Prefer To Orient Ourselves When Standing

Most people would state that standing square, face-to-face was the most honest and trustworthy position people orient themselves in while speaking with someone, but they would only be half right. In fact, most Americans stand at forty-five degrees or at oblique angles to one another. Facing someone dead on, is how boxers square off to one another in the pre-show weigh-in or when two men near physical contact at a bar. The head on orientation is reserved for confrontation with just one exception. That is when two people are really comfortable with each other.

In confrontation people get really close to one another and stare into each others eyes as a signal of dominance. This stance has a basis in escape since it is much easier to exit left or right from a tilted position rather than one that squares you off to someone else. When we want to exit from a confrontational stance we need to pivot or shift first which requires more movement and puts is in peril. However, orienting at oblique angles mutually tells us that we aren’t trying to corner each other, but when confrontation is not a remote possibility, facing straight-on is a demonstration of extreme comfort and trust.

Other cultures don’t feel this way. Arabic cultures for example will speak with one another with their faces nearly touching, which isn’t rare, in fact it happens during normal conversation. Women in American cultures tolerate such closeness only from another woman. Men who do this to women will be perceived as sexually interested and be seen to be making a sexual come-on. If not welcomed closeness will be a threat and turn-off, and in an office situation, should definitely be avoided.

Smiling And Gazing Advice For Men

A worried facial expression wont lead to positive outcomes!  Try a relaxed, confident smile instead.

A worried facial expression wont lead to positive outcomes! Try a relaxed, confident smile instead.

Smiles mean a lot more than just happiness, such as fear and stress. However, smiles due tend to appear most from happiness, and as a result of genuine feelings of optimism. They also indicate confidence and hopefulness. We know that smiles are infectious, yet men hardly ever sport them. I suppose men’s lack of smiles has to do with the vast amount of testosterone that courses through their bodies, coupled with the fear of appearing subordinate to others, but men should not let that be a deterrent. If men walk through life with a big grin, people will notice and stop them, wondering what good news they hold, or what successes they have achieved.

Laughter and smiles, when done by men, show women that they have interesting and successful lives. Men can easily try a smile experiment to measure the exact value it has, and they’ll know they’re onto something when they receive smiles in return. While it is true that some smiles won’t be well received, be they ignored or returned with a grimace, it shouldn’t deter the smile experiment from continuing. The object isn’t to impress everyone, rather it is to plan seeds in the minds of others that you are friendly, open to conversation, and that good things happen to you, and that if they associate with you, these good things might benefit them too.

Even stone faced women can be broken by persistent smiling so long as it is done properly. When smiling, men should never face women straight on, rather they should smile at an angle. The straight on look can be construed as aggressive and confrontational. Men should always break smiles by looking down, not away, up or to the side. A downward look shows that you are prepared to submit and that you are not a threat. If eye contact is made, keep it brief, lasting less than three seconds and always add a small genuine smile with head cocked at forty-five degrees. Avoid head on stares, prolonged looks, or abnormal or persistent eye widening, as these will surely send the wrong message.

Even if women don’t respond immediately, it doesn’t mean that a future encounter won’t lead to positive things. In public we are habitually in displacement mode so most women initially see people as objects rather than people worthy of interaction. Men should understand that women find others, especially strange men, as potential threats to their safety. If, or rather when, because after all this is a numbers game, a man finds a willing participant, the sensation will be immediately exhilarating for both parties. However, smiling isn’t the end of the story, it’s the start. Smiling endlessly can become creepy so if invitations to conversation seems welcome, graduate to verbal dialogue and take things to the next level. If your experiment fails miserably, try adding a sharp nod or even a joyous “hi”, “hey”, or “hello.” A verbal connection or a more obvious nonverbal signal can serve to snap people more forcefully out of their public displacement.

Smiles are inexpensive so don’t be afraid to use them, but do keep in mind that the vast majority of people, especially in crowded urban areas, might ignore them totally. Remember though, that just because the cues are ignored does not mean that it is a personal rejection, since logically, these people have no sense whatever about the smiler, they don’t even know them! Remember too, like a lot of things in life, smiling-success is a numbers game.

Head Tilted Interest

Head tilt shows interest.

Head tilt shows interest.

The head tilted at forty-five degrees from the center line of the body indicates interest and intrigue. It says “I am receptive, comfortable, and friendly.” The head tilt is one of the very significant and prominent postures that everyone should be aware of, especially educators of any kind. A professor for example, can gauge his efficacy as an instructor by the degree to which his audience tilts their head. Head tilting is also very difficult to fake because our minds will resist the posture when we dislike what we are hearing or the people around us, making it a very honest and reliable gesture.

Head on, means passive listening for example, head slightly tilted shows moderate interest and head at its maximum forty-five degrees shows full immersion. A teacher might see variations across his audience, and also across the subject matter. Head tilting is not an all or nothing phenomenon. This makes it easy to measure the success of a presentation nonverbally and tweak it as necessary.

Dogs also tilt their head, usually by engaging them in human conversations, so the root of this mechanism could simply be the state of being confusion. The head tilt is also a submissive gesture as it exposes the neck making it vulnerable to attack. One of the more prominent courtship displays is the exposed neck, and when done by women, is particularly alluring. This is examined in a later chapter.

Summary – Chapter 5

It was all about the eyes in this chapter. We covered the friendly gaze where the eyes travel in a triangular pattern from eye to eye then to the mouth, the intimate gaze where the vast majority of time is spend looking at the eyes and mouth and the business gaze where eighty to ninety percent of the time is spent with direct eye contact and where the eyes never go below the neckline.

Next we covered how certain eye contact can be threatening, how to put your best side forward and how to avoid an attack by switching off the attack response. When looked at pupillometrics, or the study of pupil size in relation to emotion and we saw that larger pupils both signal attractiveness and interest. Having covered the basics it was time to put eye language into practice with the room encompassing glance, a clear signal of female interest, how blink rate can signal stress, an extended blink can be offputting and how the double wink can be sexy. Eye blocking was emphasized as a negative cue done to avoid harmful images or thoughts, and hit on eye flashes, eye widening and flashbulb eyes all carrying their own unique nonverbal message.

We found that by tilting the head at forty five degrees and looking upwards women can display the come-hither look invoking feelings of protectiveness in men. We also found that eye size was related to attractiveness and this was measured through research. Next we looked at shifty eyes and how they can predict stress, but not necessarily lying per se, looking askance to send “the look”, stealing looks and what it means, and how to properly address an audience through eye contact. NLP, we saw, refers to neuro-linguistic programming which is a system developed to induce behavioural changes and improve communication and derives its value by reaching for defined positive outcomes through identifying the roots by which thoughts affect images and sound or feelings. We then learned that NLP can help us predict things. For example, we saw that for most right-handed people, eye movement up and to the left is a signal of accessing a visual memory, movement up and right means that a person is trying to construct a visual image. Eyes either right or left, but still level, indicate an auditory process such as remembering sounds and words. Down and left indicate internal dialogue or self talk and down and right indicate a tactile or visceral feeling. When the eyes are straight ahead, unfocused or dilated they signal visual or any sensory information.

We also learned that there are three main ways in which people learn new information; auditory (spoken words) twenty five percent, kinesthetic (touch) forty percent and visual (images) thirty five percent. We also saw that eye direction has meaning where eyes focused straight ahead means passive receiving of information and eyes down means emotionally concentrating. From there we hit on appropriate eye contact during an interview and while communicating, the eyebrow and eye flash and what they mean and how they can be used.

The Ways Cultures Meet And Greet

Bowing is a courtesy gesture that is performed by bending the waist at about fifteen degrees and occurs between members of about the same age and status. Bending to a full forty-five degrees is reserved to show the highest degree of politeness which you might show to someone of particularly high social status. The general rule applying to bows says that the lower ranking individual bows first, further and longer. In very casual settings a simple head nod would suffice. Still, in other settings, a handshake might accompany the bow and this is fast becoming the norm in Chinese society. The bow has origins related to status since it leaves the head vulnerable to attack showing trust. In Muslim and in Judaism the bow is seen as a gesture between God and his people, and is therefore frowned up as a gesture between those of equal status. In European cultures, the bow is used by men alone, whereas women perform their version, the curtsy, where the leg is tucked behind the other followed by a slight dip. Bows are traditional in Korea, Japan and to some degree China though not as formalized.

The full salaam is a traditional greeting in Arabic speaking countries and Islamic countries but of which is losing popularity. It is done by sweeping the right arm upwards from the heart above the head. It begins by placing the hand in the center of the chest over the heart, palm to chest, then moving upwards to touch the forehead, then rotating the palm out and up slight above head height in a sweeping motion. In the abbreviated salaam the head is dropped forward or bowed and the forehead, or mouth, or both, is touched with the fingertips then swept away. The namaste is a greeting done in India by placing both hands together palm to palm across the chest and bowing slightly. It’s origins like the handshake and wave demonstrates that no weapon is present.

Cheek kissing is another greeting gesture common in certain parts of the world. Kissing is common in Switzerland, Southern Europe, the Mediterranean and Latin America. Italians, Hispanic and French establishments will also kiss hello even while living in North America. Other pockets of kiss hellos’s are located in Miami and also Quebec where there is a heavy influence of Latin American and European immigrants. Others who kiss include Scandinavians who use a single kiss, the French who use the double kiss, and the Dutch, Belgians and Arabs who use the triple kiss. The kiss hello occurs when both people lean forward and either lightly touch cheeks together or where the lip partially touches the check. Generally the person will simply kiss the air rather than the actual cheek. Many variations exist of who kisses who and how. For example, women would kiss women in Southern Europe and women would kiss men, but men kissing men varies specifically from country to country. In Argentina and Uruguay, however, it is fairly common for male friends to kiss.

The handshake is quickly becoming the most popular method that people meet and greet one another.

The handshake is quickly becoming the most popular method that people meet and greet one another.

Fast becoming the most common type of greeting is the handshake as it represents the middle ground between the kiss and the bow. It contains some intimacy in the form of touching but stops short of being too intimate for most cultures. Even with respect to the handshake there are differences across cultures. For example firm handshakes are welcome in the West but in Asia are seen as aggressive. In parts of East Asia and North America, women and children rarely initiate a handshake, but will usually oblige if offered, and in Islamic countries men never shake the hands of women. Across the world a handshake is most commonly done with the right hand, but is far from universal.

The French lead the world in the handshake department and have been shown to shakes hands for up to thirty minutes a day. Shaking hands is common for the British, Australian, Canadian, American and German. Variations of the number of pumps also exist with some cultures shaking hands up to seven times. For example people from Northern Europe pump hands up and down only once and those from Southern Europe and Latin America pump hands up and down longer and with more vigor. Other cultures, still, will continue to hold the hand even after the handshake is complete which is common for Indian, Asian and Arabic cultures. If not prepared, this intimacy can be disconcerting and one might be driven to pull their hand free.

Hand kissing is another ritualistic greeting, but one that is nearly extinct today. It was common in the European upper class in the 18th and 19th century. The hand kiss was a form of respect given to someone of high class by someone of lower class. The palm was presented face down to a subordinate and he or she would bow forward and kisses the knuckles or ring. It is still observed in Central Europe such as Austria, Poland, Turkey and Hungary. Other greeting gestures are the kowtow from the Chinese which happens by kneeling and bowing so low as the head nearly touches the ground, the hongi, a traditional greeting in New Zealand where the noses are pressed together and hugging which is more common among friends and family in North America, but more universal in Latin America even amongst men, and in Russia where we see firm handshakes followed by big hugs called “bear hugs.” Polynesians can be seen following up hugs with back rubbing. In North America where greeting gestures are less formal, the fist pound happens where two fists are brought together as if punching each other. Less intimate greetings include waving, hat tipping or “doff” (which is mostly obsolete) and hat raising common in the 19th and early 20th centuries.

If you find yourself touring a foreign country who’s culture is very different from yours, but find someone bringing you in closer to hug, kiss a cheek, or hold a hand, don’t pull back. If someone wants to hold your hand, don’t wince, or twist it away, or if someone shakes your hand for what seems like far too long, don’t give up part way. These cultural traditions are no worse than yours and since it is you who is invading someone else’s territory, it is you who deserves to respect your host’s customs and not them yours. Being welcomed by native people with their traditional greetings is their way to make you feel at home, even if it violates your personal space requirements, or makes you uneasy. The same can be said for greetings from the elderly whom I find routinely hang onto a hand after shaking to keep close. Remember that an intimate greeting is a sign of respect and it should be honoured from whomever it comes from, and in what way.