Tag Archive for Exceptions

When Mirroring Can Backfire

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

Mirroring can backfire around people who want to dominate instead of build rapport. Your boss who takes you aside and wants to put the “rivets to you” isn’t going to respond to mimicry. In fact, trying to mirror him is likely going to make matters worse. In most cases, a dominant boss who displays dominant body language is not interested in employing someone equally as dominant. The default condition, or rule of thumb, to working with dominant people, unless lead otherwise (by your boss), is to show submissive postures. Fight dominance in superiors with submission, that is, hold your legs together, arms inward and hands on your lap.

There are a few exceptions when dominance should be fought with mirroring such as when we wish to rise in ranks by building equality with our bosses or wish to compete head on with other dominant people for positions or perks. Other times a boss will require someone specifically to hold a position of dominance, so will be looking for someone who reminds them of themselves. Bosses will seek these people for higher management. Lawyers can and should posture dominantly to each other. For them it can work to thwart challenges. It is expected in lawyers, and in other professions, to fight fire with fire, but in normal circumstances, mirroring will only raise the hackles of others further.

A second related instance where mirroring is not advised is during confrontation and aggression and this defines our second rule of thumb which is to avoid mirroring in hostile situations. To avoid a full blown fist fight, diffuse aggression with submissive postures. This doesn’t mean you can’t come out the winner, it just requires a different approach. More than anything it requires defining winning in a different way than traditional. In other words, walk away unscarred, alive and you’ve won!

The final caveat to mirroring is to use it only during win-win negotiations and avoid it during win-lose negotiations. Win-lose situations are when one side clearly wins and the other looses. Poker is a win-loose situation where one person wins the chips directly from another person, whereas win-win situations happen anytime prices have room for flexibility such as negotiating on the price on a piece of carpet, a car, or a house, where once the price is agreed upon both parties will benefit. Other arrangements that are win-win are partnerships that involve no money at all, but rather an equal input of labour. Therefore, our final rule of thumb is to only use mirroring when there is give and take involved, or when the task includes cooperation beneficial to both sides. The caveat, of course, which was mentioned previously, is that all mirroring must always go unnoticed for it to be effective.

The Chair Straddler

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

The chair straddler is a dominant, yet cowardly sitting position, because for one, the seating position requires one to spread their legs wide open exposing the genitals, and two, because symbolically it is as if they were holding a shield against their chest. Crotch displays are typical for dominant people, especially men. Women can also sometimes display authority in this fashion but if done improperly it appears like a sexual invitation rather than a dominance display. Figuratively, chair straddlers are spears throwers or arrows flingers as they toss words at others from behind their barricade. It might not always be the intention of the staddler to come across this way, so it is our duty as good body language readers, to reserve judgment until we catalog enough cues in clusters. For every rule there are always exceptions. The point here though, is that other people will judge us poorly if we become the person that straddles chairs. Certain dominant body language is acceptable, but this isn’t one of them.

If you find yourself (over) exposed to a straddler, there are a few ways to disarm him from his shield. The first is to change your seating location so that he no longer faces you directly, exposing his genitals. You can also stand up altogether and even move behind him making his posture totally ineffective. By moving behind him, his back will become exposed and unprotected, causing him to tense up. The height differences will also force him to try to remain more erect and upright, so to speak, causing him to feel uncomfortable and annoyed in short order. A proficient straddler will then turn his chair (and his member) to face you, and just like a real-life chess game the pieces move strategically. This brings about the third technique, which is to overcrowd his personal space by standing over him, being careful to continuing the conversation. If all these techniques fail, and in most cases they won’t, you can always call him out on his attitudes and body language. Like calling anyone out for any reason, this is risky and can easily backfire alienate him altogether. In extreme situations, you might see no risk at all since all you stand to lose is an arrogant acquaintance.

Proxemics

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

This couple shares personal space because it has developed trust for one another.

This couple shares personal space because it has developed trust for one another.

Proxemics is the study of how people use space and was first introduced by American anthropologist Edward T. Hall in the early 1960s to describe the implications distances play between people as they interact. He summarized the rule as follows: “Like gravity, the influence of two bodies on each other is inversely proportional not only to the square of their distance, but possibly even to the cube of the distance between them.” According to researcher Heini Hediger who studied the psychology and behaviour of captive animals in zoos and circuses in 1955, spacing is governed by how close animals are to one another, with four possible responses: flight, critical or attack, personal and social. People we find, are no different. “Personal” and “social” refers to interactions between members of the same species and is benign and non-confrontational, whereas “flight” and “critical”, usually occurs between members of different species and represents a direct threat or perceived threat to safety. Hall reasoned therefore, that with few exceptions, flight and critical distances had been eliminated from human reactions. This is largely do to the environment by which we all exist as we tolerate mild intrusions of our personal space on a daily bases.

When people enter our personal space we predict that they are either close friends, making a sexual advance, or they are hostile and are attempting an attack. Close encounters from strangers produce visceral reactions. Our hearts beat faster and we become flush as our bodies prepare us to fight or run. The same reactions are commonplace when our lovers enter our personal space for the first time. Even a touch of the hand can send the heart into flutter and release pleasure hormones. Except in the case of a lover the hormones are stress hormones which are naturally bad for us and in all due to all exhilaration we get a good dose of the “action hormone” adrenaline. This is why it is so important to respect the personal space around others. Not only will the intrusion make them feel uncomfortable, but they will also formulate negative judgments about you. The rule of thumb is to always give provide as much space as possible and allow others to approach you instead of vice versa.

When in public and especially in crowded areas filled with strangers our bodies will follow very specific silent speech rules. These rules protect our sanity first and foremost. They also convey our desires to get along with others in harmony, and that we respect them. In close, unavoidable proximity with strangers, our bodies will tense up or remain motionless so as to avoid contact. If accidental contact ensues, we will pull in whatever part of the body was touched and if particularly obtrusive we offer a verbal apology. Even if contact is rare, any part of the body that may result in touching is kept under heavy tension. We wouldn’t want our bodies to leave our control and move into the space of someone else. To loosen up or relax our bodies, is to ignore an important rule in congested places. Even our faces will remain rigid and free from emotion. Our gaze will be fixed or we will glaze over, looking “through” people instead of making eye contact. We even tend to limit conversations with people we know as this too violates the unwritten code of conduct. We’ll pick up a newspaper, even though we might have no interest in it, just to remove ourselves from the situation even further.