Chapter 8 – Dominant and Submissive Gestures

Head Tilted Interest

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Head tilt shows interest.

Head tilt shows interest.

The head tilted at forty-five degrees from the center line of the body indicates interest and intrigue. It says “I am receptive, comfortable, and friendly.” The head tilt is one of the very significant and prominent postures that everyone should be aware of, especially educators of any kind. A professor for example, can gauge his efficacy as an instructor by the degree to which his audience tilts their head. Head tilting is also very difficult to fake because our minds will resist the posture when we dislike what we are hearing or the people around us, making it a very honest and reliable gesture.

Head on, means passive listening for example, head slightly tilted shows moderate interest and head at its maximum forty-five degrees shows full immersion. A teacher might see variations across his audience, and also across the subject matter. Head tilting is not an all or nothing phenomenon. This makes it easy to measure the success of a presentation nonverbally and tweak it as necessary.

Dogs also tilt their head, usually by engaging them in human conversations, so the root of this mechanism could simply be the state of being confusion. The head tilt is also a submissive gesture as it exposes the neck making it vulnerable to attack. One of the more prominent courtship displays is the exposed neck, and when done by women, is particularly alluring. This is examined in a later chapter.

Head Lowered Judgment

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Head down means judgement.

Head down means judgement.

The head down shows a judgment or negative internal emotion. In fact, my son who is just nine months old, will pull his chin in and put his head down so that I can’t see his eyes when I instruct him not to touch the buttons on my desktop computer tower. He also smirks when he doesn’t want to internalize and obey me. Next, he raises his left arm (usually) to the back of his neck and either (short) grabs his ear or the hair at the side of his head, or reaches all the way and scratches the back of his neck showing restraint. I say short-grab because the real cue is the grab the back of the neck, but his arms, being a baby are short and inflexible. Scratching the back of the neck is like “holding yourself back” by the scruff of the neck. This cue cluster has been important for my wife and I as we ascertain what level of obedience we should expect based on whether or not he has actually internalized our instructions.

As with any head motion it is important to examine the adjoining clusters of body language to determine it’s true origins. For example, adding arm crossed to head down would signify more prominently that there was negativity present. Bending the head down, but looking up, can easily be confused with a lowered head yet means something totally different. The bent head means agreement, confirmation, or even shame.

Head Nod And Bobble

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The head nod in western cultures says agreement. In other cultures such as in Bulgaria and Sri Lanka it means disagreement, although from studies of the deaf and blind, it is apparent that this gesture is also innate. The nod used as a greeting, performed as a quick drop of the head, may stem from an abbreviated head bow. As we learned, lowering the body signifies a submissive posture, and so too does agreement. In Japan the head nod usually signals to the speaker that they are being heard and doesn’t necessarily indicate agreement. Thus, head nods are particularly specific to cultures so caution is important.

The head bobble, which is a side to side motion across an arc also means different things to different cultures. For example, in East Slavic it means disapproval and in India it means “okay”. In Bulgaria, India and Pakistan the head bobble means “yes.” Other gestures by the head can include the chin point, in the West, which is a slick way of pointing out other girls to your buddy without getting caught. Sometimes the chin point is used as a greeting between friends as an informal acknowledgement of each other’s presence. In Greece, Turkey and Arabic-speaking countries pulling the head back in a jerking motion signals “no” but in Ethiopia it actually means “yes.”

Headshake For Negative Thoughts

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The head shake signifies a negative thought indicator. It’s as if the person can’t get past an idea. Babies use the headshake as in innate gesture to signal to their mother that they’ve had enough milk by turning their head away. The head shake is different from the typical “no type gesture” in that the head is tilted from side-to-side instead of being pivoted back and forth used to signify “no” in various cultures by adults. We should be skeptical if the head shake is given while voicing specifically agreeable language such as “You make a good point.” or “That sounds like a great idea.” These words, accompanied by the head shake, negates whatever positive words were voiced. It tells us that they were either trying to pull a fast one on us, or just trying to appease us.

The Language Of The Head

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The positions of the head tells us a lot about what feelings are present and readily leaks information to others. Head language is similar to facial expressions since it can convey a large amount of information extremely quickly. Heads can shake, nod, bobble, lowered, tilt, duck, or dropped back each having its own meaning. As we shall see, head language can tells us that someone is negative on a matter, neutral or in actively in thought.

Raising Status Through Relaxed Body Postures

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Leaning back and taking up space is a way to show that we own the joint.

Leaning back and taking up space is a way to show that we own the joint.

It might seem counter-intuitive, but taking on a relaxed position and postures when around others, such as slumping in your chair can be a way to increase your status. This might be opposite to what you would expect given the rules of height and power but slouching shows to everyone that you are comfortable with yourself and don’t feeling anxious by someone else’s presence. By extension, most people will find it difficult to relax when in the presence of higher ranking people. Therefore it follows that if someone shows relaxed body postures, they must be high ranking! Subconsciously, we do think this, although, when we know definitively that we outrank our slouching counterpart, we find them to be brazen and ignorant which fosters more negative attitudes. This can go both ways, and it will be up to you which route you take. Do you want to fit in, or “rock the boat”, so to speak.

Imagine entering your boss’s office because he wants to speak to you about your performance. You promptly sit down, without permission, and slam your feet on top of his desk taking up an ownership (comfortable) position. Without question, he will take offense. The rare exceptions can happen though. Say you are close personal friends on top of your work relationship, or maybe you are of similar rank in the office, say partners. What would happen if instead of putting your feet up on his desk you instead slouch over the arm rest and open your legs? While this isn’t equally as offensive, it will come across as a challenge to your boss’s dominance and put him on edge. In subordinate/dominant relationship relaxed body language quickly upset whatever hierarchy was thought to have existed setting the tone for future struggles which may or may not be your ultimate goal.

When competing with those of equal status, relaxed and dominant body language can help, rather than hinder, your chances of success because it will set you above your competitors without using risky verbal language.

Let’s take another example where the new boyfriend enters his girlfriend’s house, sits down on the sofa, and makes himself at home totally oblivious to her father. The boyfriend has set a competitive tone and if not challenged by Dad, he will continue to experience the upper hand. His relaxed ownership has said to his girlfriends father that he is willing (but possibly not able – this is yet to play out), to usurp his daughter’s interest and therefore take over his role as her caregiver. If Dad is a pusher-over, the boyfriend wins. Smart Dad’s set the rules early and emphatically by polishing their guns in their rocking chairs on the front porch!

As we see, territoriality means everything to relaxed postures. Where appropriate, such as with close friends of equal rank, relaxed postures are insignificant, but when they happen within someone else’s boundaries, they send a powerful message that are especially salient to the person who has laid claimed to such boundaries. The owner of the property, wherever it might be, would much rather see cautious and reserved body language from those entering their boundaries as a signal of respect. No matter the result of the challenge, relaxed body language can help set the stage to achieve higher status. When the challenge is not met, the user of relaxed body language enjoys his “free lunch”, and with this comes freedom to choose and control future scenarios.

So far we have examined how relaxed body language can set up nonverbal power struggles between those of differing rank, however, they can also maintain power rank when used by higher status individuals in lower ranking person’s territory, or to tip the balance, when use by those in equal rank. To see those of equal rank struggle for power, carefully examine the body language of leaders when they meet. One of the best examples is when presidents and prime ministers, leaders of entire countries, meet and jockey for the upper hand. Which leader appears more at home, relaxed, calm and collected? Which one fidgets, or pulls at a collar, or tries to keep himself in the picture? You can learn a lot by how leaders act when confronted with those of equal status.

I have mentioned a few examples thus far depicting relaxed body postures such as slouching in a chair and tossing the legs up on a desk. They can also include leaning further back far in a chair, sitting deep inside a comfy sofa (versus sitting at the edge in a ready position) dangling an arm over the back of the chair, opening up the legs instead of crossing them, generally taking up more space and more open body positions. A particularly obvious territorial display of confidence, authority and ownership is achieved by spreading the finger tips on a desk carrying part of the body’s weight while standing hunched over it. Onlookers will respect that the desk is in full control of the person carrying this posture. If you want to know exactly how much trouble someone is going to give you, meaning just how authoritative they are, just watch for how wide they spread themselves out across a surface. For example, a store clerk might watch just how far the arms are splayed across the top of the counter. The more spread the arms, the more trouble is coming their way. We see this type of body language most often when there is a customer service issue where a sale failed to please. The gesture will be accompanied by verbal demands and displeasure.

Relaxed body postures are really all about spreading out, taking up more space and looking as if you own your environment so if your goal is to show ownership, picture yourself in your own domain, and transport this frame of mind wherever you happened to be.

Of course with this type of body language there needs to be a disclaimer about intent. Most people, especially high ranking people, are normally protective of their property (whatever this happens to be – their house, office or favourite chair) so usurping their stuff, has the potential to alienate them, which is why you really should consider what type of battle you are orchestrating. By extension, more submissive gestures can serve to help gain someone else’s trust and instill in them a desire to help, which can sometimes be a more effective way to achieve your goals.

Relaxed Body Language

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We relax when we don't feel an immediate threat.

We relax when we don’t feel an immediate threat.

Identifying relaxed body language helps us find people that belong, or that feel they belong, in a given situation. Those that are relaxed do so in environments they “own” and control and the higher is a persons’ status, the more diverse will be these environments, although situational novelty also plays a major role in comfort. Even low status people have a variety of locations in which they feel relaxed because being relaxed is a function of feeling that no threat is present and this is based largely on experience. Someone ridding a subway for the first time, for example, will be tensed and show rigid body postures like a coiled spring. They will be looking around at the subway signs and various indicators, and the people around them. It is impossible to be and look relaxed when the senses are on alert, when we’re keen to watch for signals of danger suspecting that all noises around us could indicate imminent danger. Someone that rides the subway daily won’t notice the signs and sounds around them, just like a highway driver zones out for the majority of the drive only to find out somehow he has arrived at his destination. Subway riders might even be so relaxed that they doze off on their route or become engrossed in a newspaper or magazine and miss their stop.

Relaxed body language is any body language that lacks muscle tension, the body is loose and the arms and legs move freely and naturally swaying with any motion. The torso may sag slightly to one side, or slump, but is not held by irregular tension. Thus, the body holds regular open body postures, with the arms and legs uncrossed. A leg might even be tucked under the body, to be sat on, showing that one is not prepared to leave and doesn’t expect to be caught off-guard. Breathing is steady and slow and can even become deep showing even more relaxation. Smiles happen in coordination with the eyes and the lips are not simply stretching across the face. The eyebrows are stable or move along with speech rather than frowning and the eyes gaze rather than stare and blink at a regular rate. The forehead will have no tension and we should watch for wrinkles which is an easy give-away to tension. Lines and wrinkles in the forehead quickly showing fear. Lastly, the skin colour is normal, not red showing embarrassment or anger, and isn’t pale with fear.

Environment Plays On Height And Dominance

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Standing up while others are seated instantly creates dominance.

Standing up while others are seated instantly creates dominance.

If your goal is to gain the dominance advantage, but nature dealt you the short stack, there are several ways to use your environment in your favour. One of which is to create a scenario where it is natural to present to a seated audience. Obviously this particular example is more suitable to a boardroom business meeting, but can also be amongst friends by roaming a room, rather than taking a fix seat while entertaining. When created an artificial scenario it would be wise to include ample comfortable seating to provide an incentive for people to plop themselves down. A man might use the standing advantage at a bar to pick up women by waiting for her sit instead of approaching her while she dances. Present to the seated naturally gives you a large height advantage.

This cop knows his game. By keeping the suspect in his car he gains height-authority over him.

This cop knows his game. By keeping the suspect in his car he gains height-authority over him.

Stages by their nature are designed to give power to the speaker. Fewer interruptions from the audience is the direct result of being higher than them. It is very unnatural to address someone with any degree of authority from a lower position and we instinctively know this. If there are height differences and levels about a room, such as split levels or stairs, and your goal it to intimate or dominant someone, then use them. For example, standing on an upper step with your target below you will give you the upper hand every time. Addressing someone taller than you from an elevated position such that their height is negated will make them feel very uncomfortable and uneasy. They aren’t used to playing short stacked and they will probably do their best to rebalance the field in their favour when the opportunity arises. Try this experiment on door-to-door solicitors the next time they interrupt you. First, be sure to use the door as a barrier never quite opening it fully, and never ever invite them in. If you have a glass portion of your door, close the door slightly so as to be speaking through the glass. Ideally this will force them to address you from the next step which will be lower giving you at least a six inch height advantage. This is usually enough to stifle their pitch or at least annoy them. Next close and re-open the door at random intervals. This might seem cruel, but remember you never invited them, so they brought it upon themselves!

While lifts in shoes are out of style for men, there exits shoe brands and inserts that can add up to two inches of height. If you are 5’8”, then two inches can make a big difference in the height game, and put you into or above the average. Women know the power of heels all to well, and should use it to their advantage whenever possible in business and even in dating. The exception though is when the purpose is to build cooperation rather than asserting competence. Women should use heels in dating to set their benchmark height. It is universally recognized that women prefer men to be two to three inches taller than they are. By simply using a heel of that height and eliminating men who don’t stack up, they can immediately thwart unwanted advances. Most men won’t solicit from women taller than they are.

As we saw, forcing others to sit while we stand can helps neutralize height differences, but so too does mutually sitting. If both parties are forced to sit, the advantage is given to those that have the biggest rear ends rather than those with the longest legs. The extra cushion serves to prop them up! The largest differences in heights is largely due to the biggest bones in our bodies which is our legs, not our spines, although they do play a part. Sitting down, takes our legs out of commission. Next we should try to hold good posture and if our company has poor posture, we can negate all or most of the height difference. Sitting on opposite sides of the table negates height differences even further because separation makes it difficult to make the height comparison. The same tactic can be used while standing just by taking a step back.

An advanced, although cruel tactic includes sabotaging others by providing them with lower chairs. It’s not uncommon in the interview process to give prospects unpadded chairs with short legs. When multiple people are present, just claim the tallest chair! A chair with an abnormally tall back commonly used by royalty will make someone appear shorter due to perspective, but will also serve to make them appear more dominant and authoritative.

If presented with a power player who insists on interrupting and talking over you or others especially while seated, play their game. Instead of taking it sitting down, stand up, walk about the room, move away from the situation or move to the opposite side of the desk or table or use misdirection by looking out a window pretending to ponder his position. Each of these actions will unnerve them forcing them to up their game or concede. The simplest and most honest tactic is to hold better, more upright posture, which in and of itself can add inches over people with poor posture. Most people have a bad habit of slouching, so using better posture on its own makes you appear more confident by comparison.

If your objective is to maintain common ground instead of exploiting it, then the best bet it to try to level or lessen height differences instead of exploiting them. Tall women know this all to well, and can be found with poor posture usually because they stand out from the crowd and get teased as teenagers. Unfortunately, instead of walking tall, they hunch up trying to appear subordinate so they fit into the crowd unnoticed. Obviously, tall women who slouch are self-conscious of their height.

This not-withstanding reducing height differences fosters cooperation and reduces tension. Tall people should take notes and reverse all that was said above with respect to exploiting height differences. Most of what was mentioned was methods to use height to manipulate or create power imbalances. If the goal is to achieve cooperation, then we should be careful to try to level height differences instead of maximizing them. We should rarely show submission though, as it can be as disastrous as showing dominance when trying to build cooperation. We never want to appear weak even as we seek common ground.

The Shrinking Man

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People who achieve higher status are seen as taller - even if they aren't.

People who achieve higher status are seen as taller – even if they aren’t.

Height plays a big role in how we are perceived and even the level of income we might reach. It has been noted that taller men are significantly more likely to earn higher salaries, and be promoted, then shorter men of similar experience and qualifications. This is because we attribute more favourable qualities to taller people, just like we do for attractive women. We can call this the “halo effect” because taller and more attractive people are treated like angels, even though there is no reason to believe that they are more deserving than anyone else. Unfortunately, this phenomenon also occurs in reverse. Shorter and less attractive people are thought to be less intelligent and lazy. Many research studies looking at the treatment differences of thin people versus those who are obese have shown that bystanders are significantly more likely to come to the assistance of the more attractive people over those who are overweight. Overweight people in distress are often outright ignored.

While the facts surrounding the halo effect might not come as a surprise, the fact that those in positions of power also receive more favourable ratings might. For example, bosses, professors, judges, and others in positions of authority are perceived to be taller than they really are. Shorter bosses are given a few extra inches and bosses that are the same height as an employee will be said to be taller than them. These ratings have everything to do with their relative importance. Because they are leaders, we give them leadership qualities. Therefore, height perception is due, in part, to the positions held by the people around us. Even those with quieter personalities will be perceived as shorter than they really are, and those with more assertive and authoritative attitudes will be perceived as taller.

Height is used as a means of establishing superior-subordinate relationships. These can be real as it is with short and tall people or circumstantial as in happens by modifying ones environment or posture. The judge is at a high bench for a reason, he is trying to reign over his courtroom and establish his importance. The same goes for King’s or the Pope whom take balcony vantage points to address their followers. The pharmacist on the other hand is a compete mystery!

Reducing Body Size And Avoiding Conflict

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Reduction in body size can include anything from curling into a ball to pulling the arms in slightly to avoid detection. When we submit we show that we aren't a threat.

Reduction in body size can include anything from curling into a ball to pulling the arms in slightly to avoid detection. When we submit we show that we aren’t a threat.

There are cues that can eliminate, or significantly reduce the possibility of confrontation. These “readiness to submit” postures, are found in all animals where fighting could lead to injury or terminal harm. Unlike humans, animals in the natural world lack hospitals, doctors and medicine so conflict is risky, not to mention there might be very little upside to engaging in physical violence. Humans, while we can usually recover from some of the most violent physical altercations, still possess the same evolutionary hardwiring to avoid conflict when possible. Sometimes though, aggressive postures and hence posturing can be beneficial to thwart an attack as the opponent decides whether or not physical or verbal attack will bring them closer to their goals, or whether or not they target will make for an easy prey. Avoiding conflict can be done using submissive postures too, and an intelligent person will see that his pride will still remain intact. Submitting to others requires that a person realize that their interests are better served by achieving their goals, in this case staying injury free, rather than maintaining status.
To an instigator, the exact opposite goal is their motivation. They wish to torment and bully their way into positions of authority usually for the exact reason that they have no other skills at their disposal. The intelligent will use more sophisticated methods to win the arms race instead of physical violence.

Reduction in body size is a sure way to remain anonymous and melt into the background. Submission in this way includes; “sinking in the chair” or pulling the arms inward, pulling the shoulders down and rounding them, hunching in, pulling the chin in and pulling the legs or knees closer together. These positions would be classified as closed body postures, as are most submissive postures. Reducing body size is the exact opposite from what one would do to indicate dominance. Dominance is displayed by taking up more space, being loose and free flowing, pushing the chin out, broadening our shoulders and so forth. Remaining motionless and avoiding eye contact are other key features of a submissive posture. What all these cues have in common is that they give us a better chance of being overlooked as a threat, and help to repels attention from us.

Making the body small limits the potential of being hit and covers up vital areas of the body. In today’s age, it is uncommon to be physically attacked, but the mechanism by which we display can have a big impact on how people react physiologically to us. In other words, body language plays a big part in how other’s perceive us even if we don’t know them, and so we can influence them to our advantage even before a word is spoken. To avoid a speeding ticket, it has been shown that it is important to immediately admit to being at fault and to do so emphatically. This might be counterintuitive as most people think that admitting guilt is a sure way to get punished. However, denying culpability only serves to instigate the officer forcing him to stand his ground even further. The best stance to avoid a ticket, as we covered earlier, is to apologize, admit doing wrong, and incorporate submissive language such as head down and palms up. If you still receive a ticket, it will be much less severe.

Many sexual cues are submissive in nature - it evokes a protective response in men.

Many sexual cues are submissive in nature – it evokes a protective response in men.

The extremity of submissive language is being curled up in the fetal position, however as we get older, we find that these gestures are not acceptable so we abbreviate them. We might therefore take on a crouched position, bend our knees slightly to appear smaller, or pull a leg in and sit on it. Women can be seen hugging their knees by pulling them in. We can also take on “baby eyes” by widening the eyes and appearing more vulnerable. Women and young girls are particularly talented at this posture as anyone with daughters will no doubt admit. The vast majority of women’s sexual body language includes submissive gestures so some of them might appear during general submission. Woman might look up and lick their lips and keep them parted. Emotional tension created by submission can occur in either sex, such as a pale face, fidgeting, jerky movements, sweating, or displacement behaviours such as playing with the hair or rubbing the palms.