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My Little Handshake Experiment

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

In effort to research a better handshake I shook hands with a door to door salesman (against my primary instincts), my ex-employer, my father and brother in-law, my dentist, a lawyer, my accountant, my wife’s boss, my friends wife, my new tenants and thirty other potential tenants that came for a look, a real estate agent and his brother, a doctor, a university professor, a banker, my mortgage broker, a waiter and two new guys that showed up for poker night. In that time I’ve had just about everything imaginable done to my hand. It was twisted, crushed, pulled, slapped and rotated and lovingly held. My arm was hugged, pushed, rigorously pumped and yanked practically out of its socket.

From what little research exists on handshakes, the conclusion is that most people aren’t aware of what they are doing when they shake hands and so don’t know how their handshakes appear to others. The next time you get a chance, ask others what they thought of your handshake. Perhaps you carry some of the following traits in your handshake unintentionally.

Here’s a breakdown of the various bad handshakes that I have, and that you (hopefully won’t) experience:

1. The death grip
2. The cold dead wet fish
3. The limp fish
4. Short grabber/finger grabber
5. Stiff arm and trust forward
6. Wrench forward controller
7. Arm twister
8. Over pumper
9. Double gripper politician
10. The teacup
11. The undershaker
12. The oddball

The death grip 1: Those that employ a macho bone crushing grip have aggressive personalities and intend to try to dominant you from the start and while this is true, the origins of this handshake and personality usually lies in insecurity that fosters a need to prove himself at every instant. It says “I have the power over you and can cause you pain if I so desire.” They have no regard for how others perceive them and use pain to put people in their place. Rings on the fingers can make matters even worse, and I think they know it! You can put these people in their place by verbalizing your pain, and drawing other people’s attention to it jokingly. Most people wont have enough confidence to be vocal about it, which is how the death gripper gets his power, but if done properly can make others laugh and set yourself apart.

Instead of using bone crushing force, use moderate pressure and when in doubt match the pressure given by the other person to signify a desire for cooperation. If you wish to set the tempo in a relationship, then deliver only slightly more pressure than them. When applying for a job, a bone crushing handshake should be avoided at all costs. You do not want to send a dominant or hostile message to your potential boss.

The cold dead wet fish 2: The dead wet fish is another particularly disgusting handshake and it portrays negative emotions to anyone that receives it. Nervousness causes sweat or even a cold drink that is condensing causes our hands to become damp and clammy which is a turnoff to others who receive this nasty treat. Sometimes the hands simply sweat continuously and uncontrollably from a medical condition called hyperhidrosis which affects about five percent of the population. If you are meeting a large amount of people, as in a cocktail party, holding a drink in the left hand, rather than the right, is a good practice to keep it properly aired out and dry. Storing a napkin in the pocket can also help in wiping your hands discreetly before handshakes, but even absent of a napkin, wiping them on the inside of the leg inside a pant pocket can serve the trick. Women who usually lack attire with pockets can lightly wipe their hands on their clothing discretely, use a napkin that holds food, or better yet or make a few trips to the washroom if the problem is particularly severe. Keeping the hands out of your pockets is good advice too, since the added heat and moisture will only make matters worse. Sometime moisture issues are unavoidable and rather than dwelling on them raising anxiety further, it is better to focus on aspects that are more controllable such as pressure and connectivity.

The limp fish 3: The flaw in the limp fish handshake is that it has far too little pressure – the handshake has “no bones.” It can be so ineffective it is as though one is shaking the hand of a five-year-old and usually comes from people who are ill at ease with shaking hands and touching in general. The limp fish handshake comes from people who submit the handshake ritual but who find the handshake as a violation of their personal space. The credibility of this handshake is very low and makes people think that you are shy or timid, lack masculinity and interest, confidence, leadership or have poor people skills. You are far less likely to gain employment for positions requiring dominant traits such as management. Men also might resort to the limp fish when shaking hands with women, but this is a mistake. Today, women expect the same treatment that men do, so give them the respect they deserve and don’t let up, give a good firm handshake. When shaking hands always try to match grip pressure to the other person unless of course they have a weak handshake. If that’s the case, apply slightly more pressure, there is no need to overdue it. If you really wish to send a submissive handshake you can do so by letting up slightly, but be careful not to seem like a push-over.

Short grabber/finger grabber 4: Someone that grabs your fingers rather than your entire hand is trying to keep you at your distance and also put you in your place. Short grabbers are usually insecure but often try to hide this by coming off as dominant. If they add a crushing action in addition to the finger tip grab they are trying to send and even stronger message by displaying their physical power over you. Crushing is used to put a bit of fear into their partners so as to dismiss the likelihood of any future challenge against them. If by chance you accidentally grab the fingers of someone else which can happen when men shake hands with women, you can vocally suggest doing the handshake over again. A simple “sorry, that didn’t quite work, let’s give it another go” will suffice. This will show that you are concerned about starting off on the right foot to properly set the tone for the relationship.

Stiff arm and thrust forward 5: The stiff arm thrust forward happens when someone grabs your hand then pushes you backwards putting you off balance. It’s a common occurrence for those trying to maintain their distance. Take for example a city slicker and a country farmer who meet for the first time. The farmer might accept the handshake even though a wave would be more appropriate for their comfort and to keep his space will push his arm forward shoving the city slicker back. This sort of handshake can happen anytime a person requires more space than their partner and this isn’t always people from the country.

Wrench forward 6: Unlike the thrust forward, the wrench forward handshaker will pull people into their personal space. This is done by people who require less personal space. It happens during a normal handshake except that a person pulls sharply toward them forcing you off balance and moving you into their personal space. People who shakes hands in this way are trying to control the other person by moving them into their personal space against their will. They feel that they can influence them more efficiently by making them uncomfortable. They are also setting the other person off balance making them unable to properly respond. Another variation exists too where someone might pull you forward toward a chair, or move you to one side of the room as they desire. Someone that shakes hands like this is trying to set the tone for the relationship by controlling where you move next. Obviously, this is a sign that they want to dominate you.

Arm twister 7: The arm twister happens like any other normal handshake except that part way through the hand is twisted underneath into the submissive palm up position. Someone who does this is absolutely committed to being on top. Sometimes a dominant handshaker will also offer their palm facing upwards almost vertically making it nearly impossible to gain the upper hand position. An arm twister is someone that wants to dominate the relationship from the start, so your tactics should be adjusted accordingly. In future encounters, attempts should be made to rotate the palm back to an even, vertical position.

Over pumper 8: This guy thinks handshakes are like pulling water from a well. Your arm is not only vigorously pumped up and down and with force, but it’s done more than what anyone would call normal. Three pumps is recommended and usual, but up to seven can still be acceptable. However, more than ten or fifteen is getting excessive and the pumping action should never seem out of ordinary or particularly violent.

Double gripper politician 9: The double gripper where both hands are used to sandwich the other persons hand is the “politician’s handshake”. It’s an intimate handshake but in the wrong company can be taken as insincere and create negative feelings for the same reason it creates positive feelings when used by politicians – because it breaks privacy boundaries. Politicians and celebrities and other high status people are afforded greater luxuries than the rest of the population, which is why we tolerate and even encourage them to kiss our babies! However, even in politicians, touching is carefully calculated and practiced. The double handshake happens when the right hand’s join followed by the left hand placed (almost) lovingly over the right hand as if to form a glove. The higher up is the placement of the hand, the more intimate. We would only use this once a strong relationship has been formed to show affection or a deep desire to make amen’s. It might also be used to strike a particularly lucrative deal that both parties feel will greatly help each other. In everyday use, the double grip handshake has little place and instead of conveying positive emotions arouses suspicion and doubt. Other forms of touching during a handshake include the elbow, shoulder, upper arm or the wrist. These are fairly advanced ways of shaking hands and reserved for more aggressive and experienced handshakers. The higher up the touching occurs, the more intimate it is so can appear as a personal space invasion. The shoulder grip is the most intense form of intimacy used during handshakes and should be used only with those you have a strong emotional tie.

Secondary to the double gripper politician but not a category onto itself is a handshake that happens as normal except the inside of the wrist is stroked with the index finger during the hand shake pump. If this happens to you, you’re bound to feel shocked, as are most people as it was by design. This person is trying to evoke a visceral feeling in you that they have the upper hand and can do as they please. Think of the wrist tickler as a nonverbal way to assault but that is so subtle that no one else will notice except the person experiencing it. Be very weary of folks that try this handshake on you as they are definitely playing psychological mind games and may try to pull a fast one on you.

The teacup 10: This handshake is conducted like any other good handshake except that the palm is cupped such that it makes no contact with the other palm. Someone that shakes hands like this is either shy or insecure, doesn’t want to fully bond or is trying to hide something. These people might take more time to open up and fully reveal their true selves to others. Take your time with them and give them lots space to open up and instead of bantering on endlessly give them an open platform to express themselves.

The undershaker 11: This handshake is so quick, it’s actually offensive. It lasts merely seconds where the hand is quickly grabbed then released or tossed aside. Sometimes it even lacks any pumping action at all. Someone who shakes hands like this is showing indifference and suspicion, perhaps they feel you are trying to sell them something they aren’t at all interested in. Other times they are trying to signal that you are intruding on their ground and that no agreement will be made. It’s probably best to respect their wishes, as their initial impression shows that you have come on far too strong. Other times the undershaker resides in an area where physical contact isn’t normal and they aren’t used to shaking hands so don’t know how to properly handle it.

The Oddball 12: This is the sort of handshake your teenage son or daughter comes home with in effort to confusing the heck out of you! It’s the handshake that has you saying “You do what with what, then what?!?” It often includes bumps, slaps, flicks and clicks. This is a fine handshake amongst casual friends, but please avoid this on a job interview or with other employees. It does however, display a relaxed atmosphere and has its place to form intimate friendships and bonds.

Above: The types of handshakes.

Types Of Bad Handshakes

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The handshake is a very common greeting gesture performed all around the world and up until recently the style with which they were delivered was anecdotally believe to predict personality traits the people who did them. Does the “bone crusher” or “wet fish” handshaker really convey that a person is aggressive or timid? Research conducted in 2000 by Dr. William Chaplin from the University of Alabama set out to get some facts straight about what the handshake really means. He found one hundred twelve students to be a part of his study but kept the purpose of it a secrete. They were simply told there were four parts to the experiment, and they’d be dismissed and welcomed to each part with a handshake in addition to other formalities. Four of the researchers, two men and two women were trained for a month on how to perform certain handshakes.

The researchers had students stand next to smaller rooms and as they entered they greeted them by shaking their hand and then proceeded into the room to fill out a questionnaire. The researchers found that a firm handshake was related to extroversion and emotional expressiveness rather than shyness and neuroticism. Women were also rated as more open to experiences when they used a firm handshake. The results show that our handshakes reveal a lot about our personalities. Women with strong handshakes can equalize themselves alongside men in the workplace and bring more favourable initial ratings from others. While an assertive attitude can be considered “pushy” especially in women, a firm handshake is an acceptable technique to show confidence without appearing too aggressive. According to Dr. Chaplin a firm handshake is a safe place for women to show their dominance in the workplace. They also happen automatically, we don’t consciously think about them and therefore we don’t often realize how good or bad our handshake really is. However, this also means we can tell a lot about people from how they shake hands because, chances are, it’s what occurs naturally to them. While men overall have firmer handshakes, the study shows us that women can level the ground simply by stepping up their firmness.

The Types Of Handshakes

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“Pressing the flesh” or handshakes are a very important ritualized greeting gesture that has gained worldwide popularity. How someone presents their hand during a handshake tells us a lot about how they see their relationship with us. There are three main palm orientations that can occur during handshakes. They are palm down (dominance or superiority), palm up (submissiveness) and palm even (equality). A palm down orientation emphasizes that a person wishes to control and dominant by taking the upper position forcing the other person’s palm down into a subordinate position. The palm down orientation is similar to placing the hand on the shoulder, which a boss might do to an intern to keep him in his place or a father might do to his son to settle him down. Conversely, the palm up offering shows a desire to submit since the hand is passively turned over allowing someone else to dominate them. Finally, the palm even or vertical is an attempt to build a cooperative, egalitarian relationship and shows a desire to produce a positive relationship.

The most universally appropriate orientation for the handshake is to have palms even and vertical, especially on a first meeting. Handshakes set the tone for the rest of the relationship though, and are often the only time two people will ever touch, so sometimes we might use alternate orientations depending on the goals we seek. A palm down technique can be used against a more subordinate individual to keep them in their place, and due to their lower rank, would tolerate it, perhaps even expect it. Anyone lower in the food chain is fair game for the palm down technique, although, I still recommend that people try to show their desire for equality from others rather than trying to show dominance. A boss will rarely tolerate the palm down maneuver from a subordinate. You may notice a strong visceral reaction from handshake jousting as it were, so heed these tips with caution. Pulling off dominance type handshakes usually amounts to not much more than negative feelings and makes others feel uncomfortable rather than making them feel subordinate as intended. If you really wish to dominate and control people than using territorial displays, invading people’s space and using strong eye language is much more permitted and effective.

It is common for people in equally powerful positions to jockey for the upper hand. Failing to show dominance through nonverbal means in the workplace can be disastrous when one intends to rise in the ranks. When performing the palm down handshake it is not necessary to thrust your arm forward with palm perfectly parallel with the ground. Doing so might even make the handshake impossible or confusing to your counterpart because it can be mistaken for some other gesture. Instead, move the hand forward with a slight downward angle such that it forces their hand to meet and rotate upwards. Once hands meet don’t try to twist, instead maintain the same angle and begin your two to three pumps. For best results always be sure to hold eye contact while shaking hands, smile slightly, use good but not excessive pressure and leaning forward slightly to convey extra interest.

It might seem that the palm-up orientation has no place at all in the handshake world, but this is not so. It can be used to placate higher authorities in order to demonstrate your desire to please them. Such is the case when a boss of much higher status meets an employee low in the ranks. The palm up shows that he is keen to keep his job and doesn’t present any threat. Someone who has crossed the line at work and is facing reprimand is best suited to at least feign his intent to set the record straight. There will be times too, that it is unfeasible to reverse the palm down technique which can cause very negative feelings so going with the flow is the second best course of action. To initiate a more equal relationship, despite taking up a palm-up orientation, you can add additional pressure at the beginning of the handshake which shows that you aren’t a complete pushover. This tells others nonverbally that you deserve a second look and that you aren’t interested in sucking up.

Duration and pressure are two other very important aspects of a good handshake. A handshake that is too short indicates lack of interest, warmth and enthusiasm, whereas a handshake that is of proper duration shows interest, attention and empathy. However, if the length of time increases much more than ordinary, the positive characteristics quickly vanish only to be replaced by negative ones. When handshakes last too long they aren’t usually aggressively protested, but your partner may seem to pulling back or away slightly. The greatest damage to over-shaking will be seen in their impression of you and will be carried forward possibly creating problems later on. The handshake is usually the first time two people touch and so is an important gesture in our first impressions, and because touch happens so rarely handshakes become etched in our minds.

Pressure and duration testing are great ways to decide if, or how strongly, someone will resist your authority. During the handshake add more pressure and increase the length of your handshake, if it’s not met with additional pressure or is met with an attempt to pull away, you can be fairly certain that your demands will be met with little resistance.
If pulling away does happen, check to see how it is done because this can be indicative of the method and strength by which people use to cause issues later on. If the attempt is weak or ineffective, than there is a good chance resistance will appear in hidden forms later on, but if they pull back confidently you can expect an open battle.

We can also tell a lot about a person by the texture of their hand. A skilled tradesmen who works fulltime building houses will have callused hands, whereas a lawyer would not. Sometimes a mixture of the two is present as is the case with the lawyer who runs a hobby carpentry outfit on his weekends. So while we can use hand features to determine congruencies, we also must exercise some caution. Regardless, hands, their strength and character can give away some tells about a person and their habits so while we are at it, meaning shaking hands, we might as well collect these cues as they may come in “handy” in the future.

How We Prefer To Orient Ourselves When Standing

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Most people would state that standing square, face-to-face was the most honest and trustworthy position people orient themselves in while speaking with someone, but they would only be half right. In fact, most Americans stand at forty-five degrees or at oblique angles to one another. Facing someone dead on, is how boxers square off to one another in the pre-show weigh-in or when two men near physical contact at a bar. The head on orientation is reserved for confrontation with just one exception. That is when two people are really comfortable with each other.

In confrontation people get really close to one another and stare into each others eyes as a signal of dominance. This stance has a basis in escape since it is much easier to exit left or right from a tilted position rather than one that squares you off to someone else. When we want to exit from a confrontational stance we need to pivot or shift first which requires more movement and puts is in peril. However, orienting at oblique angles mutually tells us that we aren’t trying to corner each other, but when confrontation is not a remote possibility, facing straight-on is a demonstration of extreme comfort and trust.

Other cultures don’t feel this way. Arabic cultures for example will speak with one another with their faces nearly touching, which isn’t rare, in fact it happens during normal conversation. Women in American cultures tolerate such closeness only from another woman. Men who do this to women will be perceived as sexually interested and be seen to be making a sexual come-on. If not welcomed closeness will be a threat and turn-off, and in an office situation, should definitely be avoided.

How To Signal I’m Here To Help But Not Be Your Friend – Some Tips For Salespeople

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There will be times when we’ll need to tell people that we are there for them, but at the same time, not overstep their boundaries. One of those times is when we act as salespeople where we want to appear helpful but not overly friendly. When dealing with the public especially in retail, we need to adopt a different style of body language than we would with close friends.

When we sell, we need to convey “I’m here to help” so we should convey alertness and motivation, but the message isn’t “I’m your friend” and we should maybe go for a drink sometime to catch up. We’ve all seen good sales people who meet you with a smile, but what is an effective smile in a retail scenario? If we smile too big, we come across as too friendly which can turn some people off. Instead we should perform a slight smile with brief eye contact. This shows them that we’ve noticed them, and are willing and able to engage any questions or need for assistance they might have. Eye contact should be non-threatening and non-challenging. Eye contact combined with our anchoring smile tells the consumer that we are employees, and that we are there to serve them. Your body should show that you are confident and assertive primarily to serve the company you work for, as you have agreed to a certain level of responsibility.

The next step is to identify the type of client you are working for. Some clients prefer to look around on their own and not be bothered and others want and even need to be directed. Others yet, will prefer a mixture of the two, especially after they have identified a product of interest. We know someone is comfortable shopping by themselves because they use sentences such as “Just browsing” or “Having a look around”. Someone that wants more direct help will immediately find a clerk and ask lots of questions and express their needs and general interests. If they don’t find what they want immediately, they will hang around a clerk, or leave altogether if they don’t get the service they require.

Clients that are short and hurried with their verbal language, who make very little or no small talk and speak only of the products of interest, only want to get their items and leave. They won’t want to interact on a personal level or chat about the weather or other such affairs. This is a fine stance in a customer and should be respected. These types of people won’t even see you as a being human, rather, they will see you as a means to their end. We identify these people because they seem to look ‘through’ or over you and seem extremely focused on the product. They will give no rapport signals and very little facial expressions. As a salesperson you should hold a neutral body position and stay relatively expressions and avoid trying to engage them on other levels besides that which directly involves the sale. In other words, sell the product and it’s features rather than yourself. Push them through the product selection quickly, talk about their pro’s and con’s and check them out as efficiently as possible, and you will make them happy.

“Friendly” clients will want something wholly different. They will begin to chat with you, express eye contact and might even touch to establish more rapport. Often the conversation will start off on an item then move onto something much less centered, it could evolve into family, sports or events. For these clients, the relationship is very important so with these types of client mirror their body language and use plenty of eye contact in effort to make them feel comfortable and as if they are speaking to a friend. This type of client is seeking to buy the entire experience including the salesperson and will often buy just because they liked the salesperson. This client requires the salesperson to sell “themselves” as part of the package.

A third type of client is the “follower.” He or she will want the salesperson to take charge. This client is usually unfamiliar with the buying process, or they are unsure of what they are looking for. These types of people stand out to us especially in situations like airports because it is such a confusing affair. They will ask specific questions but these questions might be inappropriate because he or she is not totally familiar with the subject matter. This client will show submissive body language as they try to protect themselves from embarrassment and show willingness to follow someone in charge. Followers will show timidity and nervousness at times, and take up less space than normal. Sometimes confident clients appear to be followers, but they only appear so because they are in a novel environment, or are beginning to shop for an item they don’t have much knowledgeable about. Confident people won’t show such submissive gesture at all, but will otherwise show a desire to follow the salesperson by their verbal language. Confident, ill-informed buyers will still tend to closely hang onto the salesperson like a “follower”, not because they require hand-holding, but rather because they wish to be sold directly and will purchase if enough information is provided.

The final type of client is the “dominator.” They will immediately stare you down and make strong eye contact. They will be suspicious of the salespersons motives and want to maintain control because they fear being taken advantage of. The dominator’s voice will be firm with neutral or negative facial expressions. This client might move into the salespersons personal space and try to intimidate them or they may intrude over a counter or place a bag or coat on it. They may be grabby and use touch to influence the salesperson. In this situation, the salesperson should remain neutral or positive and not mirror the client’s body language or conflict may escalate. Negative body language such as this is usual for someone with a specific complaint. Instead of fighting their language stay pleasant and hear them out trying to show empathy for their situation even if you aren’t actually able to do anything about it. At times, dropping dominant signals can help, slumping the head and shoulders shows that we are willing to submit to them. Sometimes winning the battle includes feigning loss and conceding to their demands.

Introduction – Chapter 14

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We don’t all work in office situations, but it won’t make this chapter any less valuable to those who don’t. Throughout life we all find ourselves in business situations even if they don’t appear to be so because money or capital is such a pervasive component of our global marketplace. This chapter is all about setting up and also reading the nonverbal language of business, from selling, to buying and what’s sandwiched in the middle, negotiation! We will look at how to sell to different people without becoming their friends as well as the level of service they would prefer, how best to interact with people when standing, and through my handshake experiment we shall see the types of bad handshakes you will, or have already experienced, and as well as how to gain the upper hand. Specific handshake advice is provided to women and those with small hands so their hands aren’t totally engulfed!

There are also office tips specifically directed toward women such as why women would be better served if they played down their sexiness but still showed curves, how they can use their heels to apply “pressure” to their colleagues, and how they can “power sit” for best results. We will also find out how people that are prepared for action appear like sprinters in the starting blocks, how the “top dogs” or natural leaders actually start off that way since they already have dominant body language patterns and receive promotions for these characteristics rather than something more deserved like actual talent. We then cover how to please your boss despite his disposition before delving into interview body language and outline what homework needs to be done before arriving, how to enter the interview area, what gestures are appropriate, as well as which clothing should be removed before the interview to show belonging. We conclude our chapter on office body language with a summary of buying indicators.

Summary – Chapter 13

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In this chapter we looked extensively at courtship signals. We learned that men who are not familiar with body language tend to miss the signals put out by women, but that women can be misleading or confusing as message senders, and that it is the women’s job to signal sexual interest. We talked about the most common sexual signals women use, starting with displays of submission including pigeon toes or tibial torsion, shoulder shrugs, exposing the neck or wrists, head tilt, smiling, the forehead bow and childlike playfulness. The second class of signals, we discussed where ways to create sexiness such as tossing the hair, tilting the pelvis, the parade, the room encompassing glance, grooming and preening, the leg twine and leg crossing, hiking the skirt and or dressing provocatively. The third way women use to indicate interest that we covered related to proximity such as moving closer, pointing and eye contact and crossing the legs towards her object of affection. The remaining sexual signals were rapport building. We learned that women dress more provocatively and ornament more elaborately when most fertile and receptive to male advances, that echoing and mirroring is a big component in the mating dance, and how squeezing the hand can be used as a kiss test.

We then looked at the main behaviours that can be used by women to avoid male solicitation which included facial expressions such as yawning, frowning, sneering, gaze avoidance, upward gaze, looking away, and staring and gestures such as negative head shaking, nail cleaning, teeth picking or pocketing hands and postural patterns such as arm crossing, holding the trunk rigidly, closing the legs, body contact avoidance or pulling away. These were classified into three main categories; gaze avoidance, gestures and posture patterns.

As we saw, men solicit attention from women in a different way. Men will demonstrate dominance and virility to appear sexier to women, whereas women traditionally display submission. We saw that alpha men will use the cowboy posture to draw attention to their genitals, they will and should eliminate beta male body language to attract women, use more open postures such as legs spread apart, arms uncrossed, keep their hands away from their face, hold a firm upright torso, use their arms and hands to punctuate points in speech, speak slowly with a calm voice, use fewer filler words such as “umms” and “ahhs” and generally take up more space to appear more relaxed and in control. We learned that the dominant male posture happens by placing the feet flat with the body’s weight spread evenly with hips forward and legs slightly wider than shoulder width. We then looked at how men can use negative body language to trick women into thinking they are disinterested in a cat and mouse game, how tonality affects attraction with deeper being sexier, that random smiling can bring about good things and that men should wait until eye contact is established before smiling to anchor a smile to a specific target before breaking eye contact by looking downward. In our final section we covered the tens steps to intimacy.

The Ten Steps To Intimacy

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When men and women initiate intimacy they always follow a very specific pattern. While the list isn’t entirely rigid it represents the most universally comfortable way men and women come together. There are cases when some of the steps are skipped, but in most cases, they are simply accelerated making it appear as though steps went missing. While I have no experience with adult movies, I have been told that even therein, men and women follow these steps closely. Here are the ten steps to creating intimacy.

The arm over the shoulder is in

Hand touches shoulder. This form of touching is risky because it implies
some from of connection. If absent, can still be rebuffed with minimal damage and embarrassment, but still breaches personal space boundaries.

[A] Eye to body. The eyes first make contact with the lower part of the body, but hit the face in general, the assets – buttocks and crotch, chest or breast, the legs of women and the overall build of men. If both see mutual attraction they continue to the next step.
[B] Eye to eye. Mutual eye contact is established which includes a long intimate gaze where the eyes travel over the face including the lips.
[C] Hand touches hand. Light touching of the hand, or hand-holding is often the first way distance is breeched. The hand is intimate, yet risk-free, unlike say the breasts or the genitals! Other acceptable first touches include incidental touches such as an elbow, forearm or task directed actions such as helping to put on a coat.
[D] Hand touches shoulder. This form of touching is risky because it implies
some from of connection. If absent, can still be rebuffed with minimal damage and embarrassment, but still breaches personal space boundaries.
[E] Arm encircles waist. In this step, the arm is lowered closer to the genitals so is more intimate. This form of touching, since it requires permission and attraction, which may or may not be present, is highly risky and can spell disaster if not welcomed. However, if it is accepted, it can be used as a test to move quickly to the following step.
[F] Mouth touches mouth. This step is fairly self explanatory but is a huge milestone in a relationship. Most women remember their first kiss long after men do, but even if men forget the exact details after some time, they will always recall their conquest! When two people kiss they exchange a lot more than just spit. Chemicals in the saliva are linked to taste and if things don’t jive at this moment, everything can unravel, and quickly. Women are often heard saying “things weren’t right” or that “he was a bad kisser” and it usually has to do with pheromones they find unattractive, rather than his lack of skill. Women will let men they find attractive kiss sloppily, but mediocre men need to perform at a higher level while kissing! It has been postulated by researchers that if the unique chemical signature of men and women is too closely alike, attraction fails to materialize, most probably due to a desire to avoid inbreeding. Family members carry similar genes and therefore give off similar odors signatures and so kissing is one way to test things out before getting too heavy.
[G] Hand touches head. The head is a vulnerable part of the body so we only allow those we really trust to get close enough to play with our hair or ears or whatever. Touching and stroking the hair, plays an intimate and important role in kissing, especially the good kind of kissing.
[H] Hand touches body. Having passed all the tests listed above, couples will permit each other to explore various parts of their body, at the exclusion of the breasts and crotch and usually touching happens over the clothes. Sometimes brief forays may be permitted, but this sort of intimacy still requires caution. Touching includes stroking, fondling, tickling, caressing and are precursors to sexual intimacy. If all goes well, both bodies will become aroused to the point of no return, pushing them into the next step.
[J] Mouth touches body. Included in this step is hand under clothing. Usually either mouth or hands are permitted to touch the body. This step opens up fondling of the breasts under the clothes, and usually even permits the touching of the genitals over the clothes.
[K] Hand caresses genitals and genitals touches genitals. From steps H onward, body language lacks a visual component and so people usually dim the lights, turn them out altogether or close their eyes so they can eliminate distraction and shift their focus onto their sense of touch and smell. Intercourse is a primal activity so requires just the right ingredients in just the right ratios to work. If something isn’t quite right, then the sequence can be broken at any one stage, even at the last minute, or so I’m told!

How Men Should Gaze

by  • March 6, 2013 • 2 Comments

Positive gaze

The eyes are the windows to your soul.

As mentioned, men can use a variety of ways to attract subtle attention. In accordance with the rules of the mating dance, men can see these tactics to create interest and attract women. The real goal of male sexual body language is to induce a woman to look at him, to notice him, the rest is the responsibility of verbal dialogue. It doesn’t get a whole lot more extensive than that.

Once he has her eye, a man should use proper gaze patterns. Most men will make the mistake of smiling too quickly or smiling before she has even noticed him. Worse perhaps, is their grin will appear etched on their face which appears to women as gawking and is off-putting. Men should always limit gazing to three seconds or less, any longer than this comes off as staring or leering. To start, men should first try to establish eye contact, then once established, wait a fraction of a second then flash a quick smile before turning away shyly as if being busted with the hand in the cookie jar. If this feels uncomfortable, use what is called a “slow growing smile” where the smile is directed with eye contact and seems to grow in direct response to the woman.

Mutual gaze.

Mutual gaze.

Men should always wait until eye contact is established before smiling. This tells the target that he is smiling at her rather than smiling generally, or smiling at someone in her direction, or just smiling because he’s heard someone say something funny. Eye contact is the most reliable way to anchor a smile. The effect men are trying to convey is that he has noticed her, got caught looking, but isn’t apologetic because he sincerely finds her attractive. Whenever men hold mutual eye contact followed by a smile they should hold it for at least two to three seconds before breaking it by looking downward. Men should never look to the side when finishing an eye gaze pattern, or break eye contact immediately once established, since it will indicate to a women that he was merely stealing a look, or was just caught staring. In either case, it sends the message that no interest was present, he was just scanning the room, or he’s already in a committed relationship and was checking another women out, but isn’t capable or willing to act on his eye language.

Once eye contact is broken for the first time, it is important for the man to immediately reestablish it, followed by even more powerful smile. If this second bout yields a smile in return there’s a good chance an approach will be welcomed. Women need some time to decide if attraction is present, just like men need time to isolate interesting targets from all other women present. This is why the first sequence rarely produces a smile, whereas the second is a much better possibility. If a smile happens on the first try, it tells us that she was thinking about him even before their first glance, which is also a strong signal.

Smiling And Gazing Advice For Men

by  • March 6, 2013 • 0 Comments

A worried facial expression wont lead to positive outcomes! Try a relaxed, confident smile instead.

A worried facial expression wont lead to positive outcomes! Try a relaxed, confident smile instead.

Smiles mean a lot more than just happiness, such as fear and stress. However, smiles due tend to appear most from happiness, and as a result of genuine feelings of optimism. They also indicate confidence and hopefulness. We know that smiles are infectious, yet men hardly ever sport them. I suppose men’s lack of smiles has to do with the vast amount of testosterone that courses through their bodies, coupled with the fear of appearing subordinate to others, but men should not let that be a deterrent. If men walk through life with a big grin, people will notice and stop them, wondering what good news they hold, or what successes they have achieved.

Laughter and smiles, when done by men, show women that they have interesting and successful lives. Men can easily try a smile experiment to measure the exact value it has, and they’ll know they’re onto something when they receive smiles in return. While it is true that some smiles won’t be well received, be they ignored or returned with a grimace, it shouldn’t deter the smile experiment from continuing. The object isn’t to impress everyone, rather it is to plan seeds in the minds of others that you are friendly, open to conversation, and that good things happen to you, and that if they associate with you, these good things might benefit them too.

Even stone faced women can be broken by persistent smiling so long as it is done properly. When smiling, men should never face women straight on, rather they should smile at an angle. The straight on look can be construed as aggressive and confrontational. Men should always break smiles by looking down, not away, up or to the side. A downward look shows that you are prepared to submit and that you are not a threat. If eye contact is made, keep it brief, lasting less than three seconds and always add a small genuine smile with head cocked at forty-five degrees. Avoid head on stares, prolonged looks, or abnormal or persistent eye widening, as these will surely send the wrong message.

Even if women don’t respond immediately, it doesn’t mean that a future encounter won’t lead to positive things. In public we are habitually in displacement mode so most women initially see people as objects rather than people worthy of interaction. Men should understand that women find others, especially strange men, as potential threats to their safety. If, or rather when, because after all this is a numbers game, a man finds a willing participant, the sensation will be immediately exhilarating for both parties. However, smiling isn’t the end of the story, it’s the start. Smiling endlessly can become creepy so if invitations to conversation seems welcome, graduate to verbal dialogue and take things to the next level. If your experiment fails miserably, try adding a sharp nod or even a joyous “hi”, “hey”, or “hello.” A verbal connection or a more obvious nonverbal signal can serve to snap people more forcefully out of their public displacement.

Smiles are inexpensive so don’t be afraid to use them, but do keep in mind that the vast majority of people, especially in crowded urban areas, might ignore them totally. Remember though, that just because the cues are ignored does not mean that it is a personal rejection, since logically, these people have no sense whatever about the smiler, they don’t even know them! Remember too, like a lot of things in life, smiling-success is a numbers game.