Author Archive for Chris Site Author

How To Avoid An Attack Or Speeding Ticket

by  • March 5, 2013 • 0 Comments

A backward facing cap with open body language means ticket all day long.

A backward facing cap with open body language means ticket all day long.

If you wish to avoid an attack, quickly avert your eyes, pull your head and chin down and draw your shoulders and body inward to make it appear smaller. Submissive postures, like this one, switches off the aggressive attack response in other people. A large part of what provides motivation for those in power, is the power itself and it has been said that those in positions of power want nothing else but more power. So to avoid an attack all we need to do is give them that power, ideally it is in the form of less physical methods. Taking up a submissive posture and admitting guilt is usually enough of a payoff to avoid a speeding ticket at best, or at worst, lessening the amount of punishment that will be received. If asked to step out of the vehicle, keep slouched so as to never reach your full height and don’t completely avoid eye contact, but don’t stare either. Keep reserved, hold your arms and hands across your mid section or in your pockets, but never cross your arms in effort to confront.

A submissive child-like posture leads to protective feelings in others.

A submissive child-like posture leads to protective feelings in others.

Only rarely does a direct confrontation between subordinate and superior individuals lead to a positive outcome for the subordinate since the aim of each must align and only rarely does this happen. Your goal is therefore to produce a situation where the dominant person receives an equal or better outcome, or a weak payout (such as making them feel guilty for giving a nice person a ticket). Affirming ones position against another only leads them to affirm their position further. This completes a never ending cycle that can escalate in short order. By admitting that you are wrong it forces people to mirror this stance causing them to drop their aggression.

If you don’t plan on fighting the ticket in court your best course of action is to vehemently admit your mistakes, and do it repeatedly for effect. The side of the road is not the place to start an argument, that’s what the courts are for, so save it for then. Right now your job is to make the officer feel bad for giving a nice person a ticket so what you want to do is act as if you are an honest, well respected member of the community. Even if you do plan to fight it, you still want to be forgotten so the officer doesn’t go back to his cruiser to jot down notes and begin to mount his court case. If he can’t remember you in court he won’t be able to defend his ticket.

When asked for information, provide it quickly and without hesitation. Avoid “humming” and “haaing” and be as helpful and short as possible, he’s heard all the excuses already so don’t bother getting emotional. The worst you can do is to appear as a threat to his safety by being shifty and moving erratically. When asked for your driver’s license and registration be sure to tell him where they are located and in what order you will give them to him. When reaching in an enclosed compartment like the glove box be sure not to hold eye contact since most attackers look directly into their victims eyes before they assault them. Statistics say that officers are very likely to be assaulted or even killed while on routine traffic stops.

Once you’ve given all the correct body language signals watch for the moment where the officer finally judges that you aren’t a threat. The officer’s body language will become more relaxed and loose and you can begin to address them in a less rigid and formal manner. Cracking jokes is risky, at this point though, since you may put them back into an authoritative position by appearing to belittling the situation. If they seem bent on issuing a ticket though, you may have nothing to lose and easing up might have them lower the fine even at the last moment. If you are persuasive enough and can efficiently built rapport, you may be able to walk the thin line between presenting your case which can be taken as an insult and setting off his dominance triggers.

You wouldn't mess with this chick. Head back spells confidence and authority.

You wouldn’t mess with this chick. Head back spells confidence and authority.

There are other times altogether when showing submission just won’t work to avoid attack. Walking in the city at night is one of them especially for women. Postures such as slumped shoulders, drooping head and a worried face are the postures attackers use to identify easy victims. While placating some attackers might sometimes be appropriate, it won’t work in every situation since every attacker has different motives and while submission postures will help reduce punishment from someone with morals and ethics, it will do nothing to reduce an attack from a criminal who is interested in your pocket money, looking for someone to abduct, or worse. The same has been said for bear attacks. It just so happens that bears, just like people, have different motives depending on their disposition, mood, hunger, sex. Female bears are particularly aggressive when their cubs are present. Therefore, your natural inclination should always be to hold dominant postures first, to fight and run if possible, and only show submission to people whose punishment you are willing to accept. The last thing you want to do is appear as though you’d be easily taken advantage of especially when faced by a stranger. So the default street posture is to keep your head up, shoulders back and a loose body. If someone is going to attack a confident looking person, they’d most likely attack you regardless of your posture, so taking on a confident posture is always the most appropriate in questionable circumstances.

Putting Your Best Side Forth

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We have always been told to put our best foot forward but it might be more advantageous to always put our best side forward instead. But what side really is our best? Is there really even a best side? You might be surprised to note that our faces do in fact have a good and bad side and it’s based on perspectives or how our minds view things. All but the most beautiful of people have some asymmetry in their faces. Meaning the left side of their face is not an exact mirror image of the right. For example, the eyes and mouth aren’t usually perfectly parallel, one eye might open wider than the other, we may have one check bone set higher than the other and so on.

To determine which side of your face is your best, begin by running a line from one eye to the other and then run a second line across the centre line of the mouth horizontally. Obviously this is best done with a still print photograph with the face head on. Having drawn our lines we now need to explain our findings, and to do so we draw from how we view perspective, landscapes in particular. Take any landscape drawing or photograph and note that as we look “into” the photograph, distant lines converge on each other, producing the effect of appearing smaller. Objects nearby, that appear larger, have lines that diverge. Objects that appear close also seem to slop or drop as they near us, again giving us the impression that they are larger. Obviously, in reality, objects neither increase nor decrease in size as our distance to them changes, it is merely a function of perspective.

Our best side therefore, is the side which lends itself best according to the rules of perspective. When we look at a face at any other angle besides head-on, the best view will be that which has the greatest distance between the edge of the mouth and the corner of the eye since it produces the proper effect in lieu of distance and perspective. We expect to see a wider gap nearest us which then narrows as it moves away. Our mind prefers to see the distant eye as actually being further away and one of the ways it perceives this is for the line created through the center of the mouth and the line created through both eyes to converge, otherwise it becomes confused. This confusion is perceived as being less attractive. The greater the angle between the mouth and the eye, the stronger is the effect producing an even greater difference between a person’s good and bad side, since the effect is amplified. Naturally too, symmetrical faces will have no best or worst side as it pertains to perspective since either side will produce this correct effect.

Having this knowledge, take the time to examine your face to determine which side has the greatest separation from eye to mouth and when in conversations or in photographs be sure to orient that side toward the camera or toward your company. The effect might be subtle, but if you are posing for an important photograph or planning an important meeting, or auditioning for a movie role, it just might make your face that much more memorable.

Why Sometimes Eye Contact Is Bad

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A 2006 study by Stirling University psychologists found that children who were instructed to avoid eye contact while considering their response to a question had a seventy-two percent chance of answering correctly but only a fifty percent chance of answered correctly when they had not been told to look away. One of the theories advanced to explain this finding suggests that looking at human faces, which are complex and information rich, requires a lot of mental processing and that this might disrupt thinking. So next time you want a child (or anyone) to provide a correct answer, instead of forcing them to be polite and maintain eye contact, allow them the freedom to cast their gaze wherever it might fall so they can better process the information. The research shows that children were justified all along by avoiding eye contact when posed difficult questions.

Eye aversion during complex thought is just one example of why sometimes eye contact is bad. Another says that eye aversion controls hierarchy and many species of animals have evolved eye aversion as a function of appeasement gestures. Primates will use direct stares as part of their threat display which is a precursor to direct physical aggression. Averting the eyes altogether or looking down and away with brief glances in the direction of the aggressor can serve to eliminate an attack response. Eye aversion to reduce physical violence is to the benefit of both parties because it eliminates the chances of serious injury or even death. In most cases the aggressor, having received the signal that he is higher in the ranks, will stop in its tracks and turn away.

Eye aversion is a form of submission and submission is usually all that is desired from most attackers. Simply put, violence is often the byproduct of two individuals who refuse to heed each other’s dominance displays, and of which are naturally fairly evenly matched. When dominance displays include things like strutting, stretching, false charges, chest pounding and so forth can not definitively crown a winner, then the conflict is settled by physical contest. Obviously, the last description could apply to any one species of animals, but it could also apply to people. When neither person backs down, a fight ensues.

Children who avoid eye contact can also avoid being physically abused by other students, although it does nothing to eliminate the problem altogether. It has been said that the only true way to settle a bully down is to give them a bit of their own medicine. Bullies are always trying to pick easy fights to build up their dominance and so tend not to want to fight as much as one would be lead to think. Eye contact between humans and non-humans is also well documented. For example, young children who haven’t yet learned to avoid eye contact with dogs, tend to be attacked more often as the dog perceives the child as an aggressor. By most accounts it is recommended that people avoid direct eye contact when confronted by bears to avoid hostile encounters. Avoiding eye contact switches off the threat response and tells the bear that you do not wish to end the dispute with a physical contest.

In most animal species unwavering gaze is used to display dominance and aggression when it happens between members of the same species. When it happens across species it indicates that a prey has been centered out and the stalk has begun. Looking away and avoiding eye contact is a submissive cue and the least dominant is usually the first one to look away. Knowing this, you can easily test out your own dominance. Just pick a victim and stare directly into their eyes for an extended period of time. Whoever breaks first admits to lower rank. You will see that direct and piercing eye contact lasting any longer than five seconds will create an intense desire to look away. If you find it difficult to stare someone down like this then look at the area just above the eyes, as if the person had a third eye. While we know we aren’t making eye contact, the victim won’t realize the difference. Staring will evoke stress, they will feel prey-like and under attack. Keeping the eyes unblinking or even narrowing them is akin to a predator-prey interaction which will make the dominance display even more powerful. However you decide to experiment, do so at your own risk!

The Business Gaze

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When engaging people in business it is important to hold the correct eye contact. Eye contact begins as soon as you wish to engage someone, but doesn’t happen continuously and in varies with whom you speak with. In fact, eye contact should be held about eighty to ninety percent of the time when men and women speak or when women speak to each other, but when men speak to each other, eye contact should be held only about sixty to seventy percent of the time.

If gaze is held for too long while men and women speak, men will evoke feelings of discomfort in women whereas women will evoke feelings of sexual interest, context permitting or dominance. If eye contact between men and women is any less than the eighty to ninety percent benchmark, both sexes will read disinterest. On the other hand if gaze is held too long amongst men, it is read as aggression, or if too short, as a lack of confidence or shiftiness. Women who wish to level the field in business can use gaze to their advantage by holding it longer than normal to increase their dominance or conversely can invoke protective feelings in men to gain resources by showing less eye contact and hence appearing more submissive. Women who increase gaze time while speaking with men will make them feel much more insecure and uneasy than that which would be caused by men against women. Men are not accustomed to taking on submissive roles especially when in the company of women, thus any women who wishes to use this tactic should be prepared. Women should always use their discretion and take their rank into consideration to decide which type of gaze is most appropriate.

As we have seen thus far, eye contact indicates that we have someone’s attention or that we are paying attention. We also discovered that while eye contact is important, we shouldn’t hold eye contact for too long lest we appear to be staring or overly dominant and while we are in the company of friends or lovers we might check out the rest of their overall physic, their clothing, their shoes and so forth, doing so in a business setting is not recommended. As noted previously, the friendly gaze travels a triangular pattern from eye to eye and then to the mouth, whereas the intimate gazes travels the same pattern with forays to the lower regions of the body in order to be “sized up”.

In business, it is important not to cast our gaze below the neckline so as not to appear sexually interested. Most of the business gaze is spent traveling from eye to eye and down only as far as the nose. The goal of the business gaze is to show interest and intensity but omit any sexual indicators. To convey an even greater seriousness, the eyes should travel from eye to eye then to the forehead, but never any lower. If you note any up and down gaze patterns from an opposite sex employer, you can be fairly certain they have more than just business on their mind! Also, men with female bosses should never allow their eyes to travel over their boss’s body unless they wish to convey sexual interest (and are prepared for the repercussions that might stem from it!). For every other encounter that is undefined or undetermined use the gaze pattern most likely to yield the response you desire. So if you wish to create friends, use the friendship gaze pattern or if you fancy someone, create intimacy with the intimacy gaze pattern and make eye forays across the face, to the lips and down to the crotch or breasts but if you want to keep it professional, keep all gaze around the eyes, nose and forehead.

When Men’s Eyes Meet Women’s Eyes – The Intimate Gaze

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The eye's of lovers.

The eye’s of lovers.

If the eyes of men and women meet and there is a spark, the eyes will follow specific patterns across the face to form an intimate gaze. Initially there will be a quick burst to establish interest, than the eyes will be quickly averted. Women will show interest by breaking eye contact downward versus to the left or right. Looking left or right is seen as “stealing a look” where one either, wishes not to be caught, or is simply scanning the room. Stealing looks is what married men do when they notice attractive women. Since married men have no true intention of pursuing, they look covertly so as to avoid detection of their spouse and that which has gained their temporary interest. In other words, they steal looks for their own sake and wish to pay no price for its sake.
This is why interested women will be found to avoid looking left or right so as not to appear to be stealing looks. Looking down to break eye contact is sexy because it’s coy, submissive and teasing. Looking down punctuates sexual interest. Looking sideways is a willful indication that one is scanning the room entirely and is not checking someone else out. Although at times, a sideways look will show timidity about being caught or that one isn’t ready to reveal their true interests.

If interest is mutual and conversation arises, scanning of the face will take place. The eyes will form a pattern from a triangular pattern from eye to eye and down to the mouth or chin. The eyes will also wander briefly to other parts of the face, but the vast majority of time will be spent looking at the eyes and mouth. Gaze duration during intimacy lasts in bouts of approximately four to five seconds. When the eyes finally do leave the face they will check out the rest of the body, to examine clothing, overall build, jewelry and rings. Both sexes, despite social norms, will glance over more intimate areas of the body such as the crotch and breasts. Men tend to check women out from the ground up, starting from the legs, then to the crotch, torso, breasts, shoulders, then face. The vast majority of women find being scanned by men to be a turn-off, however, studies show that women habitually check men out just as often, they simply do it much more discretely.

The Friendly Social Gaze

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When friends talk to one another they aren’t trying to peer into their souls, rather, they gaze. The gaze is non-threatening and like the intimate gaze, which follows, the eyes travel over the face in a specific pattern. In the friendly gaze, the eyes travel in a triangular pattern from eye to eye then to the mouth with some infrequent looks to the rest of the body. The reason we cast our eyes infrequently over other parts of the body is simply due to the reason that it is of less interest and of less value in friendship which is just the opposite of that which happens in the intimate gaze. With friends, gaze is brief, lasting only about three seconds followed by looking away. The research tells us that about seventy-five percent of the time eyes travel through the triangular pattern from the eyes to the mouth, ten percent of the time is spent on forays to the forehead and hair, and five percent to the chin, with the remaining time split on various other features.

After a period of gaze or mutual eye-contact both people will avert their eyes downward instead of left, right or upward. But if you are really in a comedic mood and want to put the fright into someone, break your eye contact by quickly looking up and taking a step backwards! They will most certainly think that something is about to fall on them which is the likely reason we rarely look up when breaking eye contact. Looking down, on the other hand is a symbol of submission whereas looking left or right can imply disinterest (or interest in something else), or a desire to withdraw from the conversation. Looking past or ‘through’ someone, by having an expressionless face, and unblinking eyes has the same affect, it places importance on other things aside from the conversation at hand. Of course, and as mentioned previously, feelings associated with improper eye contact is noted and held subconsciously, since for most people they are out of the normal range of awareness. That being said, people will attach powerful feelings and judgments to us based on how we use eye contact during conversation regardless of our true personalities.

The extreme end of negative thoughts and feelings related to eye contact comes from prolonged periods of unbroken eye contact – staring!

Gazing

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Avoiding eye contact shows disagreement.

Avoiding eye contact shows disagreement.

Eye contact and gaze are some of the most salient nonverbal behaviours in human interaction. It is the first connection a mother has with her infant and the first interaction that infant has with anyone. Through gazing forms a very powerful and special bond between mother and infant. However, even mothers differ in their strength and frequency of gaze with their children. Affectionate mothers will go out of their way to kneel so as to bring their eyes into level, whereas, less affectionate mothers tend to lean forward instead and use gaze much less frequently. These experiences from early development formulate our norms which can persist throughout our lives. Only with conscious effort can we change them, but first we must understand the purpose and function of gaze and also what good gaze habits really are.

Over the course of a typical day, eye gaze can reveal cues to interest, attention, affiliation, intimacy, approval, dominance, aggression and openness to personal involvement. Gaze happens in a much different way than a stare. Stares are like daggers, shooting invisible arrows into the face of another. A gaze is inviting and a display of warmth. A gaze includes the attachment of a positive emotion which men sometimes have difficulty with. Lovers are particularly adept at gazing, with bouts sometimes lasting for several minutes, other times even much longer. As early as six children seem to pick up that eye contact and gaze indicate a connection. Young girls tend to realize it sooner than young boys and women tend to enjoy gaze more than men and so use eye contact and gaze more readily. Additionally, women will hold eye-gaze for longer periods of time than men, which is most evident when women gaze at other women.

Gazing is eye language that can take up various meaning depending on how it is done. The “face-gaze” happens when one person directs their eyes at another person’s face. “Eye-gaze”, on the other hand, happens when the gaze is directed toward the eyes of another but of which that person might not reciprocate. “Mutual-gaze” happens when two people look each other’s faces which might include bouts of eye-gaze and “eye-contact” refers to two people looking directly into each other’s eyes. Other forms of gaze include “omission”, defined as a failure to look at someone without intending to and “avoidance”, in which a person purposely prevents eye contact. Most are familiar with “staring”, but to be sure, we define it as a persistent look that occurs regardless of what another person is doing. Simply defining the types of gazes and eye contact likely evoke some pretty strong feelings which can be positive as in the case of mutual gaze or negative as in the stare. Prolonged eye contact early in a loosely established relationship is almost always taken negatively, or with hostility, and decoded by others as offensive. We may even think prolonged eye contact is a result of projected dislike or even disapproval of others, even when it is the result of affection or attraction. Holding gaze for as little as three seconds longer than normal can come across as over-assertiveness and create contempt. However, because we aren’t always aware of eye contact consciously, others won’t be able to describe the reason for their feelings which is why the use of gaze needs to be taken seriously.

Introduction – Chapter 5

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Lovers gazing adoringly.

Lovers gazing adoringly.

The language of the eye has been shown by researchers to be more reliable than other body language because the movements the eyes make are involuntary and fleeting. This makes it hard for people to pay as much attention to them as, say the arms, hands or the legs. Eyes straight ahead while considering an answer, as we will see means that a prospect is passively considering information, the eyes down means that someone is concentrating or evaluating and the eyes upward means that an idea is being analyzed. Conversely, eyes looking off into space indicates a loss of interest, and eye contact avoidance indicates submission or fear. We can also tell a lot about what a person is thinking just by how the eyes move and then relating it back to context as we shall cover later.

In the seventies, Michael Argyle found that about sixty percent of conversation involved some form of gazing. He found that only thirty percent involved mutual gazing where the eyes met and held eye contact directly and that people look twice as often (seventy-five percent) while listening, versus just forty percent while speaking. The average gaze length was recorded to be about three seconds long whereas mutual gaze lasted just over one second before being broken. Eye contact has been found to be related to both cultural and personality differences. For example, Japanese and South Americans use far less eye contact as it is thought to be aggressive and disrespectful and introverted people make less eye contact then someone who is extroverted. It has also been shown through research that eye gaze is an indication of patterns in speech. People will tend to look away as they begin to speak, presumably to avoid distraction, and will then return their gaze as they near completion of their thought.

Eye contact is also a great way to measure like-mindedness. The more agreement is formed between individuals, the more eye contact is present. Even under research conditions where strangers were forced to hold eye contact for extended periods of time, they reported a greater sense of liking. We also tend to distrust others who make poor eye contact with us because subconsciously we think they are trying to hide something. The following chapter deals with the complete language of the eyes including its hidden meaning.

Summary – Chapter 4

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In this chapter we looked in depth about space or territory and how it influences body language. We learned that the term applied to how people use space is proxemics and it includes personal space, distance norms, how cultures and regionality such as rural and urban centers are reflected in personal space, and how they relate to status and context. We learned why people turn into zombies in crowded city streets, how eye contact can control intimacy and why we should respect people’s personal space comforts no matter where they hail. We then played the urinal game and showed how space ties together with this ritual, and finally we covered indicators of invasion which can help us in respecting space limitations when in novel situations, or when around new acquaintances.

Indicators of Invasion

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'Ventral denial,' or turning the front of the body away is a sign that there is discomfort.

‘Ventral denial,’ or turning the front of the body away is a sign that there is discomfort.

There are some very simple ways in which people indicate that they are being invaded, and they are important should one want to avoid offending them. As we have learned in this chapter, personal space is important to all people and so we want to be cautious not to intrude on others for two reasons: first, for the sake of the comfort of the people around us, and second, for our own sake, so that people don’t attach negative ideas to us.

Strangers should be given the most amount of space until we get to know them so we should avoid breaking the five foot separation mark unless invited to do so. While it might seem rude to keep a new acquaintance at a distance and five feet might even seem like a huge distance, it’s a clearly defined ritual and a benchmark that most people find commonplace. For those that use touch to display connectivity (the touchy-feely ones) should show reservation at least until proper rapport is built and your acquaintance shows relaxed and open signals. Handshakes are common across most culture and are acceptable greeting method when meeting new people. The kiss-hello and other more intimate methods to greet find their place in many cultures, but the handshake is becoming more and more popular across the globe, so it’s a fairly safe bet it will be well received. After the handshake is complete, on should take a step back or to the side to converse. Next, you should allow the other person to define their preferred zone in which to carry on the remainder of the interaction. This is done by allowing them to move forward or backward if they desire. Eventually you will find a happy medium between you and them, so do avoid continuously approaching or leaning forward, in other words, plant your feet and keep an upright body.

Your partner will signal that you are encroaching on them and making them feel uncomfortable by taking a step backwards. If this isn’t possible due to space restrictions, or while in tight quarters such as an elevator, or if continuously followed by advancements, your partner will begin to pull their heads backwards and away. Even when space is not limited, we may find that polite people that don’t wish to overtly show that they are being infringed upon may also simply pull their heads back versus stepping backwards. If you find that you are constantly moving forward, then it’s likely because your comfort distance is less than the comfort distance of others.

Others might just show a bigger smile (possibly showing stress) and simply pretend that nothing is bothering them, but as soon as eye contact is broken or when their speaking partner is distracted, will take a step back. Others still, can pull their arms up and out to reserve space or can use their hand on the sleeve of the other to keep them from advancing. Arm crossing also demonstrates a negative posture and is used to shield the body so this can also indicate encroachment. Respecting other people’s intimate zones is extremely important. Invading people’s space can cause anxiety, irritation, anger or fear. If all else fails, you know you’ve exceeded the general personal space of others when your eyes begin to fuzz or cross, or you feel the uncomfortable sensation of warm breath on your face. When all else fails, take a step back and let them close the gap.